Category: Movie/Long Subject Reviews

One-line review choices:

1) “You gotta be fcken kidding…”
2) Statue-of-Liberty-head-nado.
3) Oh no, there goes Tokyo.

Take your pick.

It’s less than 75 minutes long, unless you like eternal credit scrolls.

There’s a cr@ppy end voiceover bit that was probably included so the movie could bill itself as an hour and a half.

Upped a notch for vague Cthulhu-ness and SPECIAL FX!

Inspirational Quote: “We’ve gotta get out of here…it’s time to leave the electronics store!”

Grade: D-

What a horrible relic.

You know, at times the competence level ALMOST makes you think you’re watching an actual movie.

Much ado about little.

Grade: D-

Cool book.

Australia: We’re like England, just not as good.

Creepy but extremely predictable; if you don’t expect too much from it you might not be let down.

The Babadook: E.T.’s evil twin brother.

Grade: D+

You’re only one step away from being forced to live in a waking nightmare.

So make the best of what you have, in the time you have. Follow your dreams, follow your will.

Grade: C+

‘Four Days In October’ is far superior for 2004. And the other cr@p here is regurgitated and dull.

Grade: D-

If there are two evil scumbags and both get away, that’s a tragedy.

If there are two evil scumbags and one gets away, that’s a shame.

If there are two evil scumbags and neither gets away, that’s a triumph.

Sure, so it’s interesting. It’s quite disturbing, undeniably.

Julianne Moore is not Clarice Starling, and I don’t root for Evil in its purest, most disgusting form.

But d@mnit, I am bound by critical integrity. ‘A Simple Plan’, your sway still holds.

Inspirational Quote From Julianne Moore: “The new Clarice would be very different…”

Inspirational Quote From Diane Chambers: “It is to laugh…”

Upped a notch for lingering dread.

Grade: B-

For those of you who may have just missed ‘Psycho’, here it is again.

The only worthwhile effect of this absolute carbon-copy remake is that if you look in a movie listing and see ‘Psycho’ …listed, you don’t have to worry about which version it is.

Favorite actor/actress: Spider near the end, which shows more life than the rest of the cast. Not sure if it was a cockerel or a pullet.

Grade: F

I don’t need blood and gore from a horror movie. But this is vastly over-rated.

Anthony Perkins is great as the Bates family, vastly-synonym pre-dating the Klumps. He acts well and does the best he can with his dialogue.

But the rest…they seem mostly cardboard, there’s little life to them at all. The dialogue-synonym-synonym seems contrived at times, random at other times, and only rarely does it produce a gem.

Everything from when she gets in the car to skip town until she meets Norman Bates is almost Wood-en…hardly the stuff of a classic.

The idea’s very creepy, of course. But it could have been done much better.

*shrug* It is what it is.

Inspirational Quote: “We all go a little mad sometimes.”

Grade: C-

So dated. Oh well.

23:47-23:50: Trying really hard not to smile.

Kinda clever in parts. Ha.

No reason they shouldn’t be plantin’ the sheep right now.

“Worth a watch” if you like f’d up black comedy/horror (more comedy), even though it’s not the absolute apex.

51:13-51:43: Best whip use since Indy, I was going to say. But given the date, perhaps George Lucas found inspiration here.

Inspirational Quote: “I used…preservatives.”

Grade: D+

Don’t look this up if you believe in beautiful memories kept whole:

“You said our life was a prison. Dull. Boring. Empty. I can’t begin to tell you how much that hurt…come home — to me…again. Together. I love you. Always.”

Grade: B-

A nice, silly way to relax your brain for 20,000 Leagues.

It’s really cheezy and dumb, but you might enjoy that, or enjoy laughing at it.

Or just watch the first locker scene from MIB2.

Grade: D-

Lots of creepy images and scenes. Somewhat predictable. Actually VERY predictable, if you just go by the scary music warnings.

Not much character development.

BUT…the actors are decent enough. The idea isn’t exactly fresh and innovative…they seem to borrow a little here, a little there; stuff they liked, stuff they wanted to imitate, stuff they wanted to make their own…that’s my guess, at least.

So…predictably creepy, and interesting enough to give it a shot if you like that sort of thing.

ITMOM (Nice picture), ‘Night’ re-make uncle, ‘The Dead Zone’…you’ve seen some things before, but they’re not the WHOLE movie, so they’re kinda cool actually.

Zombieish, found footagey.

Inspirational Quote: “You should really let me go.”

Grade: D

Gets off to a bit of a slow start, but then gets to her talent level fairly quickly.

Nice timing, some good jokes, some bad jokes, and LOTS of bad taste.

It just came to me: Sarah Silverman is Louis C.K.’s female understudy.

Clever girl.

Inspirational Quote: “I love them like my very own aborted fetuses.”

Grade: C+

Despite the 1-3 person drama (done tolerably well), this is a (tolerable) failure.

Because I don’t think it’s good enough to “believe” in the characters.

Because this is a zombie movie where the only echoes of zombie danger until about 20 minutes left are some weird screams (always in the background).

Only in the end does it get truly dramatic.

Stephen Donaldson, give me strength.

Grade: D-

The great thing about Norm’s act/performing style is that it will go completely unnoticed when he finally goes senile and starts just rambling incoherently, without timing or interest in whether people can understand or not.

I’m sick of calling his attitude “brave”. It’s just fcken smug-a$$ dull by this point. If a bit of good humor comes out now and again, credit the law of averages.

Grade: D-

“Dreaming…dreaming is free.”

*thoughts, feelings, incidentals*

If you need to know more you won’t like it.

Grade: B-

You know the story, of course. So the question is “how well will they tell it?”

This particular version has impressive performances by the female lead and Ben Kingsley.

The other characters seem peripheral – not bad, but not really good…”capable”.

It’s a little bit too teen-angst/cliche for me at parts in the beginning, but overall this is a pretty good movie. Nowhere near the power of ‘Schindler’s List’, but something I think should at least be given a chance.

Builds somewhat slowly after the capture – shows the gradual loss of anything that even resembles humane treatment.

Grade: C+

What I remembered: Well-made enough, a bit macho, fairly interesting, not interesting enough to compel viewing but enough to warrant a look-see, too much flashbacking.

Confirmed.

Has a bit of a Dreckheimer feel about it…but Denzel and (usually) the plot are enough to get by that.

Grade: C

Ignore the title. Ignore the description. Hell, ignore the movie.

Tired of creating innovative and interesting series, NF apparently decided to momentarily rest on their laurels and give us this movie-long hunk of total sh1t.

It’s not NEARLY as “menacing” as the title and description make it seem. That’s just BS advertising.

Of course, since it’s really stupid BUT well-written enough and well-acted enough to be convincing in its stupidity, this will be seen by some as a marvelous accomplishment; a prodigious achievement.

You said it, it’s putrid.

Upgrade to an A if you thought ‘The Big Lebowski’ was brilliant cinema.

Grade: F

A documentary on how people lie, why, different circumstances, different perceptions, etc.

It’s a bit slow at first, and there are tedious moments.

However, the main speaker (who they cut to frequently) is both interesting and somewhat amusing.

And the overall interest factor in learning about the subject should keep your attention for the most part.

Grade: C+

It’s about people with major physical deformities: how they act, how they’re treated by “normal” people, how they feel about themselves, and their various friends/family.

Some of the visuals are disturbing, and parts of the movie are disturbing.

A bit difficult to grade…the makeup is very convincing, the characters seem real enough, and its message is at heart positive, about such people and the things they have to endure…AND about how they’re almost invariably better people than the ones that look “normal”.

But I think the idea of it could have been realized a lot better than it was.

If it sounds interesting, try the beginning, and go from there.

Grade: D

Ha ha. Kangaroo Court. Ha ha.

Having established and accepted that his films suck, I thought I’d try to just summarize David Lynch for people who may be a bit confused.

Lynch is a writer/director whose “talents” are in the “director” part.

I mean, it’s got mood (LOTS of it), it’s got slowwwww building sequences, it’s got weird images, it’s got too many eyeball closeups, it’s got 1 minute scenes stretched out to 5 by means of standing/sitting around doing nothing, and it’s got a script that some may consider brilliant but that is, in reality, sh1t.

I mean, hell, even Ed Wood wrote better lines than this.

So unbelievable, so cold, so NON-reality-escaping.

So PLEASE-don’t-take-me-to-this-fantasy-world-for-two-hours-and-change.

I mean, the dialogue is mediocre at best. And the delivery is like a cross between Flying Circus’s ‘The Free Repetition Of Doubtful Words Thing’ and Ed Wood’s old buddy Kline.

It’s not dream-like unless your dreams are stupid and pretentious at the same time.

Horrible movie.

Grade: F

An eerie doctor does some eerie tests on some eerie patients in an eerie hospital.

I was going to dismiss this as yet another totally cliche, predictable “horror” movie that loves sudden, SCARY music and actions. And doesn’t bother too much with acting.

But there was something about it (maybe the other second-banana nurse looking GREAT in her uniform, RAWR) that intrigued me just enough to keep watching. And by then, it wasn’t a film, it was a meal.

The creepy moments are there, so if you’re desperate for a horror/”thriller” movie, you MIGHT find this of some interest. But don’t be desperate, watch something else.

The ending sucks, if you like that sort of thing

Inspirational Quote: “My strengths are…bodily fluids and spongebaths.”

Premature IQ: “I’m okay.”

Grade: D-

Watch out for Snake!

Just as cheezy as I remembered/feared.

Mediocre everything, not-even-that dialogue.

There’s a minor interest in terms of the “idea”, but this is a pretty bad film.

Grade: D-

A little boring in parts, a little creepy in parts.

Things seem to fail more often than not, and even when they “work” you wonder how long a couple that met maybe three times before getting married will stay together.

Moral of the story, IMPO: It ain’t worth it.

It’s a tolerable watch, but nothing all that good.

Grade: D

Amy talks about sex n’ stuff for a while.

Monumental letdown after Louis C.K. – she’s not that funny, and her serious commentary is generic at best.

Grade: D

Louis’s still got his edge; I was worried.

If you don’t like edgy/tasteless, stay away.

There are a few bits that miss but overall it’s good, clever, and utterly tasteless.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen him more tasteless, actually. I chalk it up to two things…just guesses, but here they are:

1) He’s pissed off and bitter.
2) He’s pushing as far as he can while still making people laugh; it’s sort of like this is Louis’s version of Chapman/Cleese saying “Let’s see how offensive we can be…I mean, let’s PUSH IT” via the ‘Undertaker Sketch’.

Best bits:
Baby killing rant
Anti-Love rant
Elegant fingering
Dick sniffing

Grade: B

See title for description.

A few strong reactions:

– Creepy as H@LL
– Appalling and riveting at the same time

Shawcross is obviously evil, but you EXPECT that; he’s a serial killer.

You also expect the celebrity fan mail he receives, given the dark side of people.

But if you’re pretty d@mn horrified by his long-lost daughter’s
offhand commentary/relationship with him, let’s just say you’re not alone.

Not for weak stomachs.

Grade: C+

It’s a zombie movie. Not a “flick”, it’s too good for that, at least.

But how good? Well…

If all you’re looking for is “zombie” “action” (together and apart), you can watch this without the subtitles and probably be suitably impressed.

The FX are certainly convincing, and the scope is pretty darn impressive.

As I wrote BEFORE I read it echoed in an existing review (NYAH!), it’s very similar to ‘World War Z’ in that respect. The zombies are ENRAGED, and they move as a mass of rage; convincingly, relentlessly…not quite the epic visual of the WWZ wall-climb, but there’s some very worthwhile visuals here if you like somewhat grotesque and wave-of-zombie.

So on the zombie/action front, no problem at all, absolutely none.

Now, on the acting/dialogue front…

The acting is ok for the most part; they seem to do the best they can with what they’re given.

But the dialogue at times is hokey, cliche, and/or purely unbelievable. And there’s only so much you can do when your lines suck. It’s too much to fully suspend disbelief, and therefore too much to truly feel emotionally involved.

It’s good enough to hold interest…and there are SOME genuinely touching/realistic moments…but it could have used a re-write or two.

The other problem is continuity. Sometimes, the change is INSTANT. Other times, there’s plenty of time for a long, drawn-out meant-to-be-dramatic scene that is instead sappy because of said flaw. I mean, I get stretching a pattern a little, but sometimes it just goes too far against the established grain.

There’s some interesting messages (really), and I’d like to like this more than I do, but the writing just holds it back too much.

Gotta admit though, especially in relation to ‘Night’, the ending is pretty cool.

Worth a watch for zombie/infected fans.

Grade: C-

SPOILER ALERT: Ending Revealed. But who cares?

A bunch of unfunny jokes, boring stories, and dumba$$ illustrations filling time while a group of people dig a big hole looking for ‘E.T.’ cartridges.

I mean, I knew it was going to MENTION ‘E.T.’, but I thought it would be much more about the actual demise of Atari…you know, exactly WHY, HOW, etc…

Very little of that, lots of dirt and sh1tty references.

And they find some cartridges. Oh joy.

Grade: F

Sort of interesting in parts, but the premise is incredibly stupid:

The Earth MUST accept peaceful conduct. If not, it’ll be DESTROYED!!!

Huh? I get the point the movie’s trying to make, but that’s absurd.

Also absurd (and inhuman, and fascist, and morality-destroying) is the “system” developed by Klaatu and his kind.

Well-made enough to remain an object of mild interest, but for me the most enjoyable part is the pre-‘Army Of Darkness’ quote anticipation, and a greater understanding of why Ash should have paid a bit more attention. Cough.

Inspirational Quote: “Klaatu barada nikto.”

Grade: D

Mockumentary of a “regular family” and how they deal with one of them being a zombie.

Basically it’s done as everyone and everything involved being “normal”, typical real-documentary-ish, except for the ZOMBIE IN THE HOUSE.

Interesting “idea”…but the first half of the movie is pretty much jokes that fall flat, “observations” that are obvious/dull/have already been made, and tedium.

About halfway through it starts to get more interesting: the local morgue forgets basic Zombie 101, the mother gets more and more insane in her devotion, and – and this is my favorite part – the cameraman has to have one of his hands chopped off to prevent “infection”, and that becomes a bit of a running gag (the father complaining about blood on his floor, the cameraman dutifully washing off his bloody stump, the unsteady-cam but otherwise admirable camera-duty devotion, some finger jokes).

So the second half is more weird-creepy as opposed to weird-boring. And there’s definitely a few scenes you might like if that’s your thing.

But eventually even that devolves into the usual, generic, no-more-ideas zombie gore sh1t.

Recommendation: If you like creepy sh1t/zombie movies, skip about halfway in and see what you think. Turn it off when it gets relentlessly gory, cuz that’s all that’s left.

Inspirational Quote: “There’s nothin’ that woman wouldn’t give for her children.”

Grade: D

Tommy Wiseau looks sort of like what I imagine Peter Steele would look like right now.

It’s not often I can say this, but *I* could make a better movie than this. So could you.

I prefer more artistic wretched failures: ‘Troll 2’, ‘Hobo With A Shotgun’, and so on.

But this is fun to watch, knowing you have X amount of time to laugh/chuckle/shake your head/cover your eyes/go OH GAWD and, of course, revel in the fact that your life can’t possibly be as bad as this movie.

10:19 – Is that in the script, or is she guiding the other actress?

Note: Brains can only be blown out if said person has brains.

Inspirational Quote: “I’m gonna do what I wanna do, and that’s it. What do you think I should do?”

IQ2: “So, I mean, what’s the interesting part?”

Grade: C (F- adjusted for horrificness)

Netflix Streaming, I am not amused.

Well, be fair, I am a little. Is this SUPPOSED to be funny?

People LIKE this?

What a load of sh1t.

The “idea” here was to make money – it’s dumb, it’s badly acted, it’s badly written, it’s utterly unbelievable, and it’s not scary for a second.

Just an absolutely wretched “horror” film.

Upped a notch cuz you might laugh at it.

I’ve had worse dates.

Hardest part of review: spending the time to confirm how many S’s are in the word “abysmal”. I was right.

Let THIS – be a warning – to YOU.

Grade: F

Ok so supposedly this is another mediocre, failed H.P. adaptation.

But before that…

Some people complain about the main character being gay; a “highly liked” review ends with the GHASTLY notion that this might leave people with the idea that Lovecraft was gay!!!

WHO GIVES A SH!T??? WTF does sexuality have to do with Lovecraft’s notion that people don’t have the SLIGHTEST idea what is really going on, that humanity is just a tiny speck in the cosmic scheme of (bigger, better, more powerful, more intelligent, etc…) things?

Answer: Nothing.

Oh, but H.P. was notoriously bigoted (see “miscegenation”), so it’s not a HUGE surprise that some of his fans are as well.

ANYHOO…as to the MOVIE…you know, the parts that MATTER…

It’s a mediocre adaptation of Lovecraft. BUT…and this is the point…it’s a very admirable, attempts-to-get-it-right adaptation.

And when I say get “it” right, it = the mood. See ‘ITMOM’.

It does about as well, I think, as a low-budget movie with no “name” actors and no real FX can do with the story.

Is that enough? No. But it does have its good points, and it’s not some cheezy cr@pfest like a lot of “Lovecraftian” sh1t films are.

The lead is actually pretty good…the family “drama” seems at least tolerably genuine and his acting is convincing throughout.

The creepiness seems to build slowly (LIKE IT SHOULD)…it’s not some stupid cheezy sh1t just THROWN at you (GASP! THRILLS! CHILLS! EXPLOSIVE! A MUST SEE!)

…and it actually IS *kinda* creepy, at times. Seems like it might have ripped a few movies here and there, but GOOD rips. ITMOM, for instance.

The ending is…interesting, and appropriately at-least-ambiguous-dark.

Grade: D+

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: C-

Really bad adaptation of another unduly-worshipped Lovecraft story.

Points for creepiness, I guess…and lots more against for dumbness and cheeziness. And WTF is the big deal with this sh1t ness.

I mean, come on. Lovecraft’s idea that “reality” is just a veneer over things human beings can’t possibly comprehend is an extremely interesting one.

But far too often his idea of what’s “really” there just isn’t all that great.

Nice ‘Holy Grail’ reference…THUMP.

Try ‘In The Mouth Of Madness’. Or, for a reverent mock, ‘The Cabin In The Woods’.

Grade: D-

So a guy carries around a basket with a dangerous psychotic entity inside, unleashing it sometimes intentionally and sometimes not.

The thing is animated very badly, but that only adds to the cheezy charm of it, if you like cheeze. I mean, it’s pretty darn silly-looking, but also pretty freaky.

It gets jealous whenever the carrier tries to have any kind of life for himself, and when it gets jealous it gets mad, and you DON’T WANT IT MAD.

As for moral analysis: I actually do feel sorry for both of them, because they didn’t really *ask* for what happened…so I get the loyalty there, the sticking-together.

But while it may have been reasonably sane at first, it eventually turns into a bloodthirsty, controlling thing; definitely an “it” as opposed to what it may have been.

Then again, this is a somewhat fun sh1t film, why am I bothering with moral analysis?

Blonde secretary/Love interest: Starts…squeakin’. Then does a great totally out of character mini-rant a bit later.

Several “Don’t do it man!” moments.

Full Frontal Nudity: Hello, Sailor.

Ending: To be expected, really.

Grade: C-

The most effective and expedient initial alien-invasion response ever.

Fortunately, there’s more of ’em.

Re: critical acclaim – Character development my a$$…”social commentary” my a$$.

Character development: “I live here, neglected, that’s why i mug people, but I’m rugged so I don’t complain…FEEL the pain”. No…that’s half-a$$ed.

Social commentary: “The aliens are really society’s way of attacking black people. Wait, no, that theory is wrong…but it got mentioned with drugs and guns, so there’s the social commentary…

…Oh, and don’t help starving kids in Africa when there’s horribly cared-for and completely well-nourished teen muggers right here in England!”. Quarter-a$$ed.

It’s well made: it looks and sounds “real” enough, decent fx, decent score, and the acting ain’t bad.

But it’s a small teen gang fighting a small group of shambling, neon-toothed aliens.

That’s it. Just doesn’t do it for me.

Then again, if you’re in the right demographic (teens to mid 20s, British, lower-to-middle income family, somewhat of a loner) you might love this as YOURS.

But for me, that was ‘The Crow’…and even in objective retrospect, that setting blows this away.

Grade: D

Another attempt to re-create the mood of H.P. Lovecraft’s world.

Features the ‘Re-Animator’ guy doing some halfway decent acting. Come to think of it, the ‘Re-Animator’ guy should have appeared in EVERY SINGLE LOVECRAFT ATTEMPT after ‘Re-Animator’. It’s his only thing, really, but he does it convincingly and lends some cred.

Seems tolerable at first, some promise…

Low budget and all, but it’s surprisingly decent.

The problem is…it’s just not that interesting.

I blame H.P.

It gets kinda silly at parts. I mean, not exactly insanity-inducing.

More like WTF-did-people-see-in-this-sh1t-inducing.

Obviously, two things. One, H.P. wasn’t all-powerful. Two, this isn’t his best.

Whenever I try to envision a world defined solely by Lovecraft’s visions, I edge closer and closer to insanity at the dumb-a$$ horror that I can barely comprehend.

Inspirational Quote: “I guess, uh…we’re ready to go to Church.”

Grade: D-

3/17/17: Grade Correction. Grade: D

Pointless half-a$$ed echo of the original: a collection of re-gurgitated re-animated gags/grossouts.

For dedicated fans only.

Inspirational Foot Scene: Kootchie-Kootchie-Koo!

Grade: D-

The reason this particular movie failed upon release is that it’s not very good.

George Romero had a nice little idea about reanimated corpses attacking and eating people, but then he got silly.

That’s all, really…he was never much of a writer, or a director; aside from ‘Night’ and ‘Land’, he’s made mostly cheezy, occasionally interesting cr@p.

A few interesting-creepy moments half an hour in here, a few more intermittently throughout. Besides them, it’s cr@p.

Upped a notch for the superior remake it inspired.

Particularly lame: the cutaways from a poorly-written military highups convo to really stupid military ACTION! bits.

Pretty d@mn bad: The writing in general.

Almost as bad: The acting in general…but then again, it’s hard to act well given these lines. Also, George has a habit of hiring non-actors to act: one from here reappears as a dumb-a$$ in ‘Dawn’, another moves on to bigger and better-acted things as Frankenstein in ‘Day’.

Fav bad bit: Persistent suit-muffled dialogue.

Inspirational Defiance: Ted Striker goes berserk.

Inspirationally Dated Song: The end theme.

Inspirational Monotone Quote: “Stop where you are…”

Grade: D-

Completism: A Puppy Perspective.

Sh1t movie.

Grade: F

A really sweet documentary about a group of dogs rescued and then slowly nursed to good health and adoptability.

Something to watch if you love dogs and love seeing them be happy, because *SPOILER ALERT* they all end up happy.

Like most documentaries, if you like the subject matter (and it’s well-made) you’ll like it, and it you don’t (or it isn’t) you won’t.

I love dogs, and the people involved seem just as happy to help them as dog lovers will be to see them get helped.

If you don’t like dogs (wtf is wrong with you?) you won’t like it.

Grade: C+ (A+ for rescue-dog lovers, F- for puppy mill advocates)

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: B

Like every Mel Brooks movie, this has some jokes that just fall completely flat. Boring, cliche, obvious. Not funny.

For the first third, that happens maybe once. Really good stuff.

After that, the idea descends from inspired scenes, bits, and riffs to mostly lame and half-a$$ed character “interaction” and “development”…and Brooks sucks at that, so there aren’t any characters to interact/develop.

There are some good bits, but they’re scattered…enough to keep you watching for more but a steep cliff drop-off for the most part.

Smart move, I guess…draw ’em in with the good stuff and keep ’em hanging around for more. But man this mofo is overrated.

And Madeline Kahn sucks.

Inspirational Quote: “Excuse me while I whip this out…”

Grade: C

Basically just a succession of tortures (mental and physical) and attempts at escape by a psycho and his kidnapped neighbor, respectively. Very little before or after.

Compelling (believable, decently-acted, creepy) enough to make it interesting, but gory and disgusting enough to make it revolting.

It left me with a hollow, mildly nauseous feeling. And, unless you’re a sociopath, a psychopath, an extreme sadist, and/or an extreme masochist, it will quite probably have a similar effect on you.

If you *do* enjoy being shocked and disgusted – I mean REALLY – then this is probably on the lower end of your disgust-o-meter.

Because while it might fit loosely on the level of ‘Cut’ and ‘Dumplings’, it takes that … Extra bit of graphic disgustingness and wastes it on the mild pretense of a story, dramatic pauses, mood, and the believable character reactions of the female lead.

It has a happy ending, of sorts. I mean, reaping the whirlwind and all that.

Grade: D-

Shatner: dull. He drinks more as the movie goes on, suggesting a possibleway to tolerate it.

Family visit: sucks
Boy in a tree: sucks
Crime scene visit: kinda creepy
Santa and his zombie elves: cheezy cr@p

Ending: horrible

No, it’s not quite stupid enough to be funny.

No, you can’t just watch the non-sh1tty one, because it cuts back n’ forth between them all until the end.

Inspirational Quote: “Elves becoming the walking dead; no, it does not make any sense.”

Grade: F

Positives: Well-directed, interesting premise, solid acting.

Negatives: Moves too slowly, not creepy enough, not “believable” enough.

It’s about a man slowly going insane, his friend, and how it affects them both.

It gets more creepy and interesting as it goes along…slowly…at first.

Then, it plateaus with everything pretty much “laid out” for you. And it stays there. Until the end. Which is disappointing.

Too clinical, too step-by-step analytical, and not enough SCARY AS HELL.

Think Jack Nicholson from ‘The Shining’. The typing scene. That…is scary. REALLY creepy, convincing GOING CRAZY.

TAP…TAPTAP…TAPTAPTAP…TAPTAP…

This is not. It’s like it was made from the viewpoint of someone who had read a dozen books on severe mental illness, but never actually experienced anything close to it themselves.

Despite all that, its intent, the acting, the direction, the quality of it…make it interesting.

But don’t expect to be scared. Just…intrigued.

Cute moment: GHOST WARS

Grade: C-

Zomromcom about a boy who loves a girl so much that he comes back from the dead to fulfill his dream of taking her to the prom.

It’s totally deadpan: there’s no “horror”, because the tone just never allows for that.

It’s more like a typical high school “loser slowly wins over the most popular girl from the dumb jock with his sincerity” movie, except that the plot twists impacting the relationship (the focus of the film) are due to things like body parts falling off and a growing appetite for human flesh. You know, no big whoop.

The lead is very even-keeled despite his zombiehood, and doesn’t understand when other people are mildly confused by his return (that’s about as strong a reaction as he gets at first…maybe that’s a joke on how noone really paid attention to him when he was alive anyway).

His parents are blissfully ignorant of the fact that he’s come back from the dead in a “oh, hi, welcome back” everything-is-fine 50’s ‘Date With The Family’ sort of way. His mother stays just as pleasant as she adapts to his new appetite; like the rest of the movie, it’s amusing/interesting at first, but eventually runs out of ideas and “surprises” and becomes mostly just silly.

It does stay at least mildly interesting until right near the end, though, so it’s worth a watch. The ending is rather weak, but tolerable.

Inspirational Quote: “I was at the mortuary; they’re practically *giving* them away.”

Grade: C

The scariest thing about this movie is that, in researching it a bit, I found out that one of the things at the top of David Cronenberg’s wish list was/(is?) to work with Burt Reynolds. And NOT in a mockumentary.

The overall idea is interesting and the movie is disturbing – like most of Cronenberg’s work, I think – but despite some inherently disturbing scenes it’s decidedly un-scary; it seems like the idea was conceived well enough and then just written very poorly.

The doctor’s brief escape from the perilous pool scene reminded me a bit of Galahad’s just-in-time rescue from the Castle Anthrax.

Suggested dialogue upgrade (this did come out at around the same time, so it could have been L.F. Dibleyed):

(Doctor) *internal dialogue* “At this time I felt I was in great peril; however, something inside me insisted that I go back, and face the peril, even if perhaps it would be too perilous.”

OMG what a horrific, terrifying ending…(besides the rotten sax solo, I mean): Not since Ed Wood’s classic ‘The Violent Years’ couple-in-a-car scene has the male population of the world felt so incredibly threatened as by the second car leaving the garage.

In other news, this shows that you CAN, in fact, improve as a writer/director/filmmaker. Because, unlike some of Cronenberg’s later works, this sucks big-time.

Generous grade provided by the idea itself and a few halfway-decent scenes. And so as not to offend my Canadian readers.

Grade: D-