Category: Movie/Long Subject Reviews

Goodness knows it’s not that I can’t enjoy an old movie.

I understand that FX stunk in 1958. I understand that things were different in 1958. I understand that horror films had to have obligatory EXCITING! opening music in 1958.

But I saw a movie released in 1956 called ‘Invasion Of The Body Snatchers’ that was pretty darn good (I think I under-rated it, actually…oops).

The difference between ‘Invasion’ and this?

‘Invasion’ takes a great idea and plays it out well using decent acting, directing, and writing.

This takes a great idea and plays it out badly using wooden acting (except for Patricia Owens, the female lead), and poor directing.

Owens is working by herself most of the time, surrounded by puppets and cliches, and that’s how she looks.

I mean…at the end, when they’re walking away from the camera, the boy LIFTS HIS FOOT AWKWARDLY OVER a croquet hoop, instead of, you know…breaking the “perfect” symmetry of the departing line by stepping slightly to the side, just to keep the “perfect ending” in place.

No need to re-take that.

We’ve come full-circle. In 1986, this was remade to salvage a great idea with: good acting, a much better script, and better directing. The FX are improved too, of course…but that’s not what makes it a good film.

Now, we’re remaking films from about thirty years ago and making them suck with slick, robotic acting and bad scripts; hoping that the GREAT FX and all the AMAZING visuals will hide the fact that they suck.

About 54 minutes in: “Perhaps booze would alleviate this situation…”

A short time later: “This house has sho gone crazy!”

Upped a notch for inspiring the 1986 remake.

Grade: D

4/21/16: Instant re-review – I loved it. Much better than ‘Cats’. I’m going to watch it again and again.

Director David Cronenberg is linked to “body horror” films.

The thing is, unlike almost every other director linked to those, he has talent beyond camp cr@p and gore sh1t.

I did a little research (yeah, really!) and the general consensus is that Jeff Goldblum is great in this. I agree.

The way he portrays protagonist Seth Brundle – giving him a personality complete with quirks and mannerisms and an awkward sort of charm – makes you buy the character, and care about him. Always important in a lead, but especially here, where caring about Brundle is absolutely essential in having any interest in the film.

Unless, of course, you just enjoy seeing great creepy make-up and disturbing images. In that case, you may find some things here perplexing, so allow me to explain: the thing that operates throughout the film is called a “script”, the entities with real personalities are called “characters”, and the way in which the whole thing is portrayed is called “intelligence”.

Geena Davis is good as Brundle’s foil and love interest, but quite frankly Goldblum is so good as Brundle that she’s not even necessary: this could be a one-man show in Brundle’s unfashionable “home”/laboratory and it would still be interesting.

Goldblum is so sympathetic that even when he’s morphing he retains more humanity (and personality) than most probably would. And he plays each stage just as well as the original Brundle character, which, again, makes the transformation believable. And, since you care about Brundle, disturbing and creepy.

Again, if you’re just watching for the creepy makeup and images, an explanation: “humanity” in the manner I mean constitutes aspects of compassion, humor, sympathy, kindness, loyalty, self-sacrifice, and so on. Some people tend to look for that in characters, so they can have sympathy for them. If you still don’t understand, see Wiktionary entry “sympathy”.

The whole idea here is creepy, the mood is creepy, Goldblum himself (even as unassuming original-Brundle) has a tinge of creepiness mixed into his appearance and attitude, and the transformation happens slowly enough (and is portrayed convincingly enough, mentally as well as physically) to string that creepiness out over almost the entire movie.

The FX are 30 years old, so come on…it’s gonna be a LITTLE cheezy at times. And there are bits that seem disjointed, or unnecessary.

But I think it’s creepy as HELL.

Inspirational Quote: “Have you ever heard of insect politics?…Neither have I.”

Grade: B

Cheezy; yes, of course.

But somewhat enjoyable, especially near the beginning.

…but not near the end, when it gets generic, and AT the end, when it gets really generic, cliche, stupid, and mildly anti-climactic. Then again, to expect much from a King-adapted novel is not logical.

Inspirational Quote: “God I hate rock n’ roll.”

Grade: D

Good: Jones

Pretty good: Snipes, Downey

Indifferent: Most of the rest

Really bad: The wig

If this came out by itself, on its own, it would be seen as a somewhat generic but decent chase/suspense/thriller/whodunit with a pretty good cast and a certain amount of intelligence.

As ‘The Fugitive 2’ it’s a huge disappointment.

So…if you’re gonna compare, don’t bother watching.

Without Harrison Ford, the focus shifts from “THE Fugitive” to “a fugitive”; Wesley Snipes is pretty good but he’s not Ford, and he can’t carry the movie.

The writer or writers probably realize this, which is why this is much less Snipes-centric than ‘The Fugitive’ was Ford-centric.

The addition of Robert Downey Jr helps, the lines are spread out more among Jones’ crew, and it becomes much more about the chase/suspense/thriller/whodunit aspect than the rooting-for-a-likeable-character aspect.

If you like TL Jones’ character and crew, give it a watch. If not, skip it.

Grade: C

Like ‘Thinner’ (and ‘The Arrival’, and ‘The Rock’, and ‘The Puppet Masters’…) in that it isn’t all THAT good, but I have watched it several times and enjoyed it. Just somethin’ about it…I don’t know…

Basically it’s a satire on boxing, corruption, and racism.

It’s got an “ensemble cast” (the best way to describe a bunch of actors you know from when they WERE good and/or have always been B List) as well as Samuel L. Jackson (You’ll guess who he’s supposed to be in about 2 seconds), Jamie Foxx (who is quite good in a small role), Damon Wayans (who is kinda grumpy), and some guy named Peter Berg as the white heavyweight (who may have never appeared in a major movie before or since, but is actually good in this).

The show so far:

Yes, the, uh, show so far. Well…there’s two black boxers, and one of them wins. Then there’s a group that wants more money, and they want to get a white challenger. Then they get the white challenger, and white people love him. Then he becomes well-trained enough to give a sliver of hope (or fear, depending) he might win. Then they fight. Ding.

Grade: C

WARNING: Do not let the initial promise of this film convince you to watch the rest. I can’t say it’s all set-up and then nothing, but it is a lot of set-up for a very disappointing, badly written ending.

It’s a cast of four on one set interacting.  Fine, but if it’s character-driven it has to be better acted and if it’s plot-driven then there has to be more plot and the ending can’t suck.

Watched to completion only by people that don’t know they’re in for a “WTF???” at the end.  Be my guest.

Grade: D-

A very low-budget-looking horror/comedy.

Nowhere near as ridiculously gory as ‘Dead Alive’, but almost as deadpan tasteless – and good for stupid cool catchphrases.

It’s also not very disturbing, since it’s so unbelievably unbelievable. Beyond the obvious movie reference, it reminded me of what ‘The Brain That Wouldn’t Die’ (a much more creepy, sinister film MST3K’Od) might have been like if they hadn’t tried.

Also makes me think of Queen. No, that’s not Freddie Mercury, though the premise of the movie suggests that it MIGHT be.

Inspirational Quote: “You want a sandwich?”

Grade: C

Part one (boot camp) is a great, compelling, disturbing short film. R. Lee Ermey is brilliant, and Vincent D’Onofrio’s Private Pyle is a real character: you see him, flaws and all, trying his best but in way over his head. And you can tell from the beginning that there’s something slightly wrong with him…D’Onofrio portrays his descent well, up to and including the ending, which comes too soon.

Part two (off to Vietnam) is a collection of scenes and lines that seem thrown together to make the film long enough – like they came up with interesting individual bits of dialogue and then had to write actual scenes around them, which don’t feel connected. The fact that the characters don’t seem at all real anymore makes it a bit difficult to give a fck, too.

Same as I remembered it: two movies; one great, one ok.

Inspirational Quote: “I AM…in a world…of SH1T.”

Grade: B-

The only good thing about this collection of caricatures, cardboard cutouts, meaningless SFX, and convenient and mediocre plot devices is young James T. Kirk, convincing both in action and in emotion.

Translated: He’s a decent actor and he was written well.

The attempt to unite the ST:TOS crowd behind this is far less convincing than the attempt to do so in ‘Generations’.

And that’s no insult to the memory of Leonard Nimoy…it’s a compliment, if anything. HIS Spock was, by far, the most interesting character of the TOS crew. It seems beneath him to favor this tripe with an appearance.

And fictional “Timeline” fans, please explain this minor inconsistency from TOS:

“Mr. Spock: Vulcan has not been conquered within its collective memory. The memory goes back so far that no Vulcan can conceive of a conqueror. I knew the ship was lost because I sensed it.

Capt. Kirk: What was it you sensed?

Mr. Spock: Touch of death.

Capt. Kirk: And what do you think they felt?

Mr. Spock: Astonishment.”

Grade: D-

1/19/16: Alternate Timeline: Plot device used by lazy writers who either don’t care about old material or don’t like to do enough research to make an existing timeline actually cohere with new material.

8/3/16: Fine, it’s not terrible. But BESIDES Kirk and all permutations thereof (the car, the bar fight, Uhura catching him with her roommate, the REALLY COOL apple reference…) it’s just generic. Fine-tuned mediocrity, not boding well for the future since NONE of the characters seem real, besides Kirk. He hates to lose… Grade: D+

“2” was “1”, only without the slightest attempt at a script. Look to 1 for the grade, and try to imagine it lower.

This, on the other hand, is thoroughly disgusting but less shocking than either 1 or 2…the gore is expected (and less), the end result is pre-decided.

If you have the stomach for it (really) and like wretched (I mean REALLY), you might enjoy this slightly as camp: the greatest achievement of the director, an MST3K-after-hours worthy film.

Inspirational Quote: “That B-movie sh1t??”

Grade: D-

I watched this yesterday and after running out of sh1t to do today I’m finally reviewing it, because it’s “zombie”.  I think that’s enough.

Grade: D-

I DON’T understand…AT ALL…WHY, for the love of Cthulhu, there haven’t been ANY good film adaptations of Lovecraft’s work (that I’ve seen) beyond ‘In The Mouth Of Madness’.

Surely the source material is good enough, and imaginative enough, and creepy enough…for SOMEONE to take those ideas and transform them into a movie that’s somewhat worthy of the source.

But ITMOM is the only success I’ve seen.

And, while I applaud the appreciation of the material that this film (and some others) show(s), it is “well-intentioned”; like everything except ITMOM, a regretful if (in some cases) sincere failure.

Grade: F

AKA ‘The Gates Of Hell’

Sh1tty Italian zombie flick.

Lots of eyeball close-ups.

21:16 – The endangered-crotch guy from ‘The Dead Talk Back’ could have finally made a sale.

58:28 – The BBC should have put ‘Gardening Club’ here.

Question: Why does Dunwich occasionally turn into a jungle?

Grade: F-

Guest Review:

“How could any man do such monstrous things?”
“Mr. Dante??”

Grade: F

Lots of ACTION, sfx, and attempts to be cool.

The action and sfx are somewhat impressive but mostly pointless; there to distract attention from a really mediocre script.

The attempts to be cool succeed very rarely.

Basically the only REALLY interesting thing about this movie is The Zombie Whisperer, which comes in the last third and is still contaminated by the other three.

Please adjust the grade upward relative to how much of a moron you are.

Grade: D

Mediocre drama about three people with a few zombies.

A precision display of unnecessary film-making.

Grade: D-

Yes, a movie review!

I had to, it’s “zombie”.

Anyhoo…

Yes, it’s that bad.

No, it’s not good-bad.

Grade: F

Since Shyamalan was given a free pass to create whatever he wanted after making a great (and financially successful) movie in ’99, I take anything further that has his name on it with a grain of salt and a touch of apprehension.

He’s certainly talented, but when one is given complete freedom to indulge their ideas they tend to produce at least SOME really bad ones.

Therefore the main reason for hope with this was the presence of Joaquin Phoenix, whom I have never seen appear in a truly bad film.

Phoenix is fine, as are the rest, but imagine my surprise when the standout of this movie turned out to be someone I’d never heard of before (Bryce Dallas Howard) as Phoenix’s love interest and the real lead of the film.

The story itself is somewhat creepy and certainly well done (acted, directed, etc) but this is no ‘Sixth Sense’. It’s intriguing but not near compelling, without flagrant flaw but also devoid of a point of revelation.

The most intriguing moment is a turning point in the film that is masterfully directed and sets up the finale.

The finale has a certain charm and the lead actress continues to shine, but this is a pleasant exercise in nostalgia, wistfulness, and innocence. Nicely done, but don’t expect anything more than that…there’s nothing “thrilling” about it.

Grade: C

Setting: Post-apocalypse (frozen world)

Type: Zombie/infected/etc flick

MUCH better Bill Paxton movie available on NF streaming: ‘A Simple Plan’

Reason for review: See “Type”

As if it wasn’t bad enough, at the end it gets completely LaVeyan. What I go through…

Inspirational Quote: “No! No more runnin'” (guy who hasn’t run)

Inspirational Quote that could have been, near the end: “Game over, man!”

Grade: D-

More evidence that scumbags are scumbags, on either side of the law. Most of the gangsters seem like selfish pricks, and so do most of the cops.

Pacino (“Lefty”) and Depp (Brasco) do some pretty good acting – I don’t think either is capable of doing otherwise – and each plays a character with at least a little bit of honor and loyalty; sorely lacking in most of the rest.

The fact that they’re on the opposite side of the law makes the interaction intriguing: Brasco’s loyalty to his job has a genuine conflict with his loyalty to Lefty, whom he considers a friend (and vice versa).

They’re really the only two characters I give a d@mn about, because they’re the only characters that seem genuine and not just generic mob movie sh1t.

Depp in particular is interesting; both his conflict with Pacino and the other mob characters and the conflict within himself about what’s right and what’s wrong.

Gets better as it gets more complex: you wonder where the tangled web is eventually going to lead.

It’s a little slow at times, and it never reaches the heights I want it to, but not once do I feel the urge to turn it off. And it’s 126 minutes.

Inspirational Quote: “I’m not becoming like them Maggie, I am them.”

Grade: B-

Intelligent and well made, and though it’s not completely successful as either a horror or a comedy, it does usually come up with a twist to keep it fresh whenever you think it’s about to turn predictable/cliche.

Sometimes it’s creepy, sometimes it’s laid-back, sometimes it’s dark, sometimes it’s darkly amusing, sometimes it’s blatantly gory.

So it’s impressive…but it’s not as enjoyable to watch as most critics seem to think, for me. But I can see why some people might like it more.

As for acting, it’s solid all around, with the mother and daughter being above-solid impressive.

I laughed a few times, and I usually don’t laugh easily.

Some interesting improvised weaponry, too.

I believe there’s a remake in the works, and with a bigger budget and a little bit of script editing it could easily be better. Or, it could lose all its charm. Too close to call.

Inspirational Quote: “…and the rest is a blur. What’d you say?”

Grade: C

I’m impressed with Christian Bale’s dedication to getting into the right body form for the role, but I’m still not impressed with his typically wooden acting.

Pretty creepy movie, in theme and established tone.

But that’s it…it’s like a bad ‘Twilight Zone’ episode: no hook.

Not one that makes it worth watching at least.

Try ‘Memento’ instead. Similar and superior.

And no Christian Bale.

Grade: D+

Russell is obviously smarter, more knowledgeable, and more self-aware than he’s ever been, judging by his rants.

But why did all of this have to make him less funny?

Actual laughs: 3

Hard ones: 0

Upped a notch for info.

Inspirational Quote: “…just remember…that is NOT your oxen!”

Grade: D

The intro combines a lot of Terry Gilliam’s precise animated Python slices with a bit of Peckinpah’s ‘Salad Days’.

And it’s NOT trying to be funny…I don’t think.

The mini-movies after are useless dumb sh1t, with the following exceptions:

C: I don’t like it that much, but at least it has a message.

K: Creepy and surreal. Not bad.

Q: Not too bad…ironic.

R: Nice twist.

U: See C, only better.

A few of the rest are just dull or bad, but some are absolutely WRETCHED…my favorite worst is “Y”, which actually made me laugh: Yet another brilliant installment of first-class Asian Horror.

And like the first movie, sh1tloads of credits.

Actual length: Around 1:50.

Grade: D-

A “zombie” population becomes infected by sound.

It’s done fairly well but is mostly voiceovers and action on one set.

In the end it’s a lot of buildup with no legitimate payoff; an interesting idea that is not realized and a movie without characters to really care about.

Grade: D

Very, very weird.

It’s about a game within a game within…

Quite complicated. I don’t think it’s nearly as gripping as it is impressive/interesting; it does not envelop and engross as much as such a movie should.

However if you’re a fan of virtual reality, odd sci-fi, and/or cerebral sci-fi it’s something you need to see for yourself to decide.

Inspirational Quote: “Death to the Demon…”

Grade: C

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: C+

Kinda creepy. But this is a “thriller” that’s not particularly thrilling.

That the filmmaker held my mild interest long enough to make me finish the film in the HOPE it would prove worthy via a payoff is an achievement. But don’t let it happen to you.

Cuz it ain’t worth it.

Grade: D-

Extremely unnecessary reboot, since the original was very-good-to-great.

Vastly inferior reworking with impressive action/FX/visuals, some (and I stress SOME) decent acting, and very little plot.

Gary Oldman (surprisingly) plays a relatively good guy, and he does it well. Keaton’s meh as sleazy-corporate-guy. And the Samuel L. Jackson bits kinda suck. I mean, he adds cheeze – especially at the end – just like he does to ‘The Great White Hype’ (NF Streaming, where the Hell is it??!!), but this doesn’t WANT cheeze.

Great use of one of the best songs ever to feature yodeling, though.

Inspirational Quote: “It’s the illusion…of free will.”

Grade: D

Two very damaged people find comfort with each other.

One of them is an actress who acts fairly convincingly.

The other is Nic Cage.

That’s why this is a failure.

If there is any message, it’s this: If your life is horrid and you feel there’s nothing to live for, find a hooker with a heart of gold and be honest with her. She’ll fall in love with you and be your saviour. Unless, of course, you don’t want one.

With the exception of that last sentence…didn’t that sort of cliche go out a long time ago?

Just say no to nihilism.

On Netflix Streaming until 3/1/15.

Grade: D-

An infection carried by rats slowly spreads, turning a portion of New York City into a mini-warzone, with the focus on two buildings.

People actually mutate into sort of rat-type things, which takes away from the horror factor and adds a cheeze factor.

Basically it’s Rage with some rat added…unfortunately. Rather a lot of rat, really.

Also lots of: heat, sweat, ironic happy music and claustrophobia.

Best during the buildup; drops off when it should kick into high gear.

Acting = decent

Cult following = undeserved

Well directed, but come on…it’s just not that good.

On Netflix Streaming until 3/1/15

Grade: D+

From Shane Carruth, the man who surprised the hell out of me with ‘Primer’.

VERY weird, very odd, very artsy, very well-made.

I have little idea what most of this means. It strikes me, from a purely logical and analytical standpoint, as something completely meaningless. It strikes me, in that sense, as something so incredibly pretentious it would make the worst artsy-horrid French filmmaker blush.

But I FEEL that there’s something here…it does not feel, as logically I know it should (in my mind), to be nonsense. It feels as though this is deep and important and possibly even profound.

What is the case? I don’t know, really. Perhaps the filmmaker, as he did in ‘Primer’, simply knows how to evoke feelings of meaning whether or not they exist. Perhaps his meaningless quirks happen to speak to my particular sensibilities for some reason I don’t understand.

Very perplexing, much like ‘Primer’. But unlike that movie, I don’t know WHY this is perplexing. For to be perplexed, one must care. And I do not know why I care.

In any case, this is beyond me: if it’s worthless nonsense then I was interested in worthless nonsense for the duration and inspired enough to write this long and felt a review.

If it’s more, I can’t say what.

It’s enough to make me actually question my subconscious mind – to wonder why I felt this way. Because I don’t know.

Either way, it’s something I’m glad I watched. But I can’t say why I’m glad nor can I explain the movie, really, in any worthwhile fashion to a non-viewer.

It’s like…listening to Brian Eno if I liked Brian Eno, or going on a trip without taking drugs. Unexplainable to one who does not experience, and that’s the way it should be. Maybe?

Tranquil.

It’s like…having a dream – that you don’t understand while it’s happening, and you don’t understand from what you recall imperfectly upon awakening. But nevertheless, it does make you refreshed and full of a mild wonder. Eventually it will fade, and then it will be impossible to recall why it had meaning at all. Because you never really knew, you just felt.

The writer and director also wrote the score, so the “experience” is solely his. I wish I could peek inside his mind to know what this is, if only to know whether it’s an F- or an A+. Because I can’t tell.

Inspirational Review: “While Upstream Color has a fair amount of (purely functional) dialogue, it’s essentially a silent film, obsessed not just with color but with texture and movement and rhythm.” – Mike D’Angelo

Grade: B-

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: B

One of the most tasteless movies, beginning to end, that I have ever seen.

Gory, bloody, Americanized sequel that has two things the original didn’t: A bit of wit and some fairly consistent camp.

Of course it also has long periods of useless gore filler and useless non-gore filler, but it’s an improvement.

Inspirational Quote: “It’s not what it looks like!”

Grade: D

Incredibly bad zombie flick not to be confused with ‘Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter’, which is probably just as stupid.

My insistence on watching and reviewing anything zombie-related is both a burden and a comfort: I tried two sh1t movies before this (the terrible ‘Nightbreed’ and the polished-to-a-boring-sheen ‘Odd Thomas’) and stopped partway through each after realizing they weren’t worth the time. I knew that right away with this, but didn’t have to worry cuz I was locked in.

Abe’s weapon is TOTALLY bada$$, but even the camp value wears thin about halfway through. And without camp value it’s an F-.

Fav character: random bird walking on camera behind a tense scene.

Inspirational Quote: “Emancipate THIS!”

Grade: D-

Boring, nondescript space exploration movie padded with lots of commentary and repetition.

Six astronauts go to one of Jupiter’s moons and discover a small sample of life and some flickering and glowing lights. At the very end they discover something else; but it seems thrown in to give the movie a point, or an ending. And it’s nothing exciting.

The acting is ok but there’s nothing here. Not in character development, character interaction, emotional resonance…anything beyond mere competence.

The Wikipedia summary of the events of the movie is more exciting than the movie itself.

Grade: D-

This is a huge, meandering “epic” sci-fi failure salvaged only slightly by impressive/very ODD visuals and parts of Milla Jovovich’s character.

As you watch an array of ‘Hunger Games’-ish silly costumes parade by, the dislocated and disjointed bits of weirdness just keep on coming…the movie doesn’t.

The plot tries to be intricate but it’s just padded. The idea is a very simple one, blown out in bad ST:TOS fashion in ways that simply aren’t necessary and are often boring and/or annoying.

Luc Besson seems to be using some recycled ‘Professional’ material here: the sounds and light-of-salvation from the cabbie’s decision scene are right out of the hotel door-opening rescue.

I find Oldman’s appearance good only because it distracts from his out-RAY!-geous southern accent.

Milla Jovovich does fairly well as a combination of naive fish-out-of-water, ultrabad supreme-type being, and spouter of really fast gibberish. Her occasional cute comments, moments of shamelessness, and speedy nonsense are the movie’s highlights. If that’s not enough for you, skip it. Oh, and there’s lots of cleavage.

Exception: The anti-war message – featuring a convincing if brief performance by Jovovich – near the end is well done, and pretty powerful. Really, it’s the first GENUINELY “realistic” emotional moment in the entire film.

But it’s not enough, and there are none to follow.

Grade: D

Don’t think anyone really needs a summary. But I was watching it again (mostly to review it), so here’s a little blurb:

A man is transformed into a GENTLEMAN! Needless to say, it disgraces him for life…he can’t even look his CHILDREN in the face!

It’s held up pretty well. Interesting Three Stooges premise – though not as good as the Stooges episode – and decent writing and acting.

The only problem is that the vast majority of the last quarter is stupid, boring, and/or cliche. The Stooges sometimes had similar issues.

Grade: C

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: C+

Nice animated intro: I’ll take his rejects.

If you’re expecting a movie about two sisters holding a man captive, that’s just a setup…most of the movie is the aftermath.

And while the setup is convincing and freaky, the aftermath is NOT “horror”…it’s dark drama, and not nearly as convincing.

And THEN it turns again, into a mediocre thriller.

And WHAT a brave and smart leading man! Everyone knows the best way to overcome trauma is to drag your supportive, loving wife into it while also neglecting her and her feelings!

Movie one of three was a fairly interesting short.

Grade: D-

A WHOLE LOT of atmospheric staring and whatnot.

Creepy idea about an island of psycho kids, acted out and written very badly.

And the ending scenes were obviously just footage from ‘Njorl’s Saga’.

Grade: F

Strikes me sort of like a British version of ‘The Burbs’…AT FIRST.

Elfie and friend are not-very-good-or-necessary “investigators” until a somewhat odd new family moves into town.

Basically it’s a “dark”-ish comedy in the lightest possible sense…up to a point.

Unfortunately, after a while of fairly decent buildup along those lines it finishes as a generic horror flick with a rather weak ending.

Disappointing, really…I was hoping for better.

To those perfectionists (not me. well, sometimes.) and Britons (sp?, Alba Gu Brath!) who criticize my usage of the US name and release date, this quote from Cliff in the spirit of fun:

“So if you Brits ever find yourselves in trouble against, uh, another major military power like Argentina, don’t worry about a thing. We Yanks will be there to bail you out just like we worked on the last two big ones, eh?”

Grade: D

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: D+

I watched this to get over ‘Omnivores’…and to have a “January 2015” archive.

It was a light-hearted welcome to mock some of the really cheezy and Immortal-Arnold moments.

Basically this is just a mediocre if occasionally fun and somewhat visually impressive sci/fi-action cr@p vehicle for Schwarzenegger.

For a GOOD Philip K. Dick adaptation, try ‘Minority Report’.

Inspirational Quote: “I’ll blow this place up and be home in time for cornflakes.”

Grade: D+

Seeing “Fangoria” was a bad sign.

And indeed, it’s a cheap exploitation flick.

More graphic and disturbing than ‘Emanuelle And The Last Cannibals’ but not as well written, acted, or directed.

Cannibalism, really bad fake sex, and Torgo’s grandson.

Actual length: 1:18

Grade: F-

About a group of really-into-it LARPers (is there any other kind?).

Well the trick is either a) getting LARPers who can ACT – on film – or b) getting actors good enough to convince people they like LARPing when they don’t.

As a D+D fan I find it mildly interesting when it’s a mixture of playful/serious gaming, IC/OOC commenting, playful self-mockery, etc. This is done fairly well.

However, when it tries to become a “horror” movie, the lack of a budget makes it completely unscary and makes the rest not nearly as fun.

And this is about half an hour in.

It then gets progressively worse and worse until it is absolutely TERRIBLE.

D+D fans might like the first 30 mins or so.

Inspirational Quote: “We’ll be back you redneck c@cksuckers…this I vow.”

Grade: D-

Sucked in by the description? Me too.

The “main” story is supposedly about mankind’s effort to stop global warming by releasing a large amount of some chemical into the atmosphere – a plan that apparently backfires in a Twilight Zone “hot/cold” episode sort of a way.

But the real story is about a train containing the last remnants of humanity, where class and treatment are organized by proximity to the front (engine) of the train.

Apparently the train has been running for almost 20 years and the “upper”, “middle”, and “lower” classes have been more and more clearly defined, with the lower of course existing only to serve the upper. There’s also a sort of Godhood that has developed concerning the supposed leader, “Wilford”, and his sacred engine.

It’s got some really weird/freaky/stupid images and lines.

It’s also got some really weird/freaky/impressive images. Not many lines though.

The idea itself is enough to get through the low parts. I thought at one point it was going to grind to a halt (metaphorically speaking) but it actually got better as it went along, at least to a point.

More inspired than ‘The Hunger Games’, that’s for sure.

Grade: C+

Fairly obscure somewhat-dark comedy featuring Tom Hanks.

It’s not all that funny, but it is somewhat interesting if you like dark and cheezy.

Grade: D+

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: C-

Finally, I spotted it. Saw it a LONG time ago (when it came out), and had to re-watch it to review it.

I like the zombieness allusions to the life of the main character.

The quick cuts are well done, it’s witty, and it’s pretty funny.

I think it’s a bit overrated, but still good.

Inspirational Quote: “We’re coming to get you Barbara!”

Grade: B-

Remake featuring a cool cameo from the star of the original.

Definitely some cheezy parts, with Donald Sutherland as the obvious acting highlight.

It’s cool to see Leonard Nimoy in something else, too.

Gets better as it goes along…although I have to say it’s not really an improvement over the original, more of an interesting slight alteration.

“The function of life is survival” – Wow, this movie was creepy enough when I thought they just turned you into an emotionless thing…but a LaVeyan??? Oh, the inhumanity.

Inspirational Scream: Wait for it…

Grade: C

A bunch of semi-famous actors talk about the lifestyle of being a non-STAR actor: the ups, the downs, the weirdness, the motivation, and so on.

It’s not exciting but it’s somewhat interesting, fairly informative, and occasionally amusing.

Inspirational Quote: “I had a job for three months…in a law firm…stapling.”

Grade: D+

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: C-

Finally…after watching endless clips on Youtube, tis on Netflix Streaming.

Unfortunately the bits I’ve watched endlessly are the best bits.

Basically it’s a mixture of really good scenes and hokey, overly dramatic ones. Should have been cut down to about 1:45 and Wyatt’s immortal vengeance toned down JUST a bit.

The good scenes are enough to make it worth a watch, but it’s far from a classic.

Best acting by a longshot: Val Kilmer as Doc Holliday.

Inspirational Quote: “…I don’t.”

IQ2: “…I wasn’t.”

Grade: C+