Category: Movie/Long Subject Reviews

Some of the attraction/interest is in the direction, which features a lot of quick cuts, alternate shots, and metaphors.

But that would mean next to nothing if the movie itself stunk – if the characters were unbelievable and/or the script was stupid.

Fortunately, neither of those is the case.

The story is basically about loss and (mostly) addiction, and how four different people deal with these things. There’s the mother, her son, his girlfriend, and his best friend. The addictions are mostly drug-based, but one (and the most interesting one, to me, because of the character) is not. There are more than a few scenes that show this clearly as being portrayed as the equivalent of drug addiction, and while they’re not brilliant metaphors, neither are they weak hit-you-over-the-head cliches.

For me, the story of the mother is by far the most compelling. With the son, the girlfriend, and the best friend, you don’t know EXACTLY what’s coming, but you’ve seen this road before (‘Drugstore Cowboy’ for one, parts of ‘Traffic’, etc…). It’s an especially bleak and well-portrayed road in this movie, but to me it lacks the force of the mother’s story.

The mother’s story is also so compelling to me because Ellen Burstyn delivers the best performance of any of the actors, and her character is the only one of the four who truly doesn’t REALLY know that she’s getting into a dangerous spiral until it’s too late…all the others are in touch enough to realize the risks they’re taking, the danger they’re putting themselves in…at least to a certain extent.

In summation, the mother’s story – told as it is visually, acted as it is believably and emotionally – is the draw here. The three others aren’t bad, but none of them can match the power…the disturbing and moving sadness…of hers.

Good (and appropriate) music, too.

Near the end the cuts speed up and take over, and the entire movie takes on a completely hopeless air – musically, visually, and emotionally.

I found myself a bit drained by this, and disturbed…so if you don’t want either of those I wouldn’t recommend watching it. But to me, it was worth it for the very real emotional impact.

Grade: B-

8/29/16: Never never never…throw chips at a driver. Grade: B

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Good, already updated. Grade: B

An action/drama set in Medieval Times, with the emphasis on characters over action.  That is to say, on actionS and dialogue about/between characters instead of “action scenes”.

I had no idea it was going to be set in Medieval Norway, I thought it was going to be modern.  My hopes sank a bit when I realized my mistake, as I feared it would be some overwrought Medieval-esque cr@p or some horribly acted ‘Deathstalker’ fluff-and-cheeze.

I was pleasantly surprised, however, when it turned out to be a decent film.

Basically a bunch of bandits kill a girl’s family and take her hostage,
with the leader (and mother of a littler girl) intending to have
her men rape her to conceive a “little sister” for her daughter.  Her daughter is meant to learn how to be “strong”, but in fact is a naturally decent person (the only one of the group, excepting the
kidnapped) and learns from her mother what NOT to be.

Positives: The relationship between the two young heroines is convincing and sweet, the obviously well-intentioned nature of the film, a decent character the girls run into who tells a story that somewhat explains the mother’s cold nature, mostly interesting and occasionally compelling overall, pretty scenery, and being reminded of ‘Braveheart’ for some reason.

Negatives: A few obvious lapses in the quality of the dialogue and the acting, absurdly horrid bandit watch duty, and breaking my suspension of disbelief near the end when things go beyond “extremely lucky” to “No way in Hell pure fiction – even for a fiction”.

Grade: C

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: C+

A bunch of backwoods lunatics worship a big hole in the ground.

Interesting intro…I like the riff, even if it’s borrowed.  And I like the tone in the beginning – it seems “real” enough, it’s buyable.

But it slowly moves from the initial creepy vibe to a mostly obvious-and-silly vibe.  It becomes a chore to watch before all that long, and not even an angry pit can stave off the tedium.  Sure it’s gross…but it’s dull, tedious, pointless gross.

The pit (or something in it) really has powers, too, made vaguely clear by close camera zooms and fake blood and guts.

The effects are mediocre, and the limited interaction with them is below mediocre…it’s cheezy.

Two closing points, which are both more interesting than the movie and the rest of this review:

1) One of the main hick lunatics sorta looks like a really grungy, hairy Will Ferrell.

2) Executive Producer Lucky McKee, apparently not content to simply make his own bad-to-mediocre horror flicks, here nurtures another mediocre horror filmmaker.

Grade: D-

Extreme audience over-reaction to mediocre material.

A bit better in the second half, but nothing special…a couple of smiles, no laughter.

Grade: D-

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: D

The difference is 6 minutes between this and the rated one, so I figured I’d watch the longer one since there was no way in Hell I was watching both.

The fairly quick introduction of the chaos after a brief, life-is-good opening is pretty disturbing and believable; it builds quickly layer after more unusual layer while Pitt and family are stuck in a traffic jam.

The intro of the infected (they’re ’28 Days Later’ types; the only thing “zombie” about them is how they’re mentioned) is believable, capturing with major help from a big budget the actual chaos of a city suddenly struck by infection/panic, as opposed to just the aftermath.  So it’s got that going for “new” genre ideas, and it’s pretty scary to see how enraged these things are…

The acting is pretty good, i think…teamed up with the budget it makes for a pretty d@mn scary start…20 minutes or so of mostly believable mass chaos; not a dollar wasted if you’re up for that sort of thing.

The tenacity of the infected is terrifying and amazing – watch them do their best lemmings impression as they try to catch a helicopter if you don’t believe me.  They believe they can FLY…they believe they can…so on, so on.

After the shock of the initial huge-scale portrayal, it does sort of calm down a bit…briefly.  And it’s in the calm moments (few though they are) that the movie is weakest: this is best watched as a thriller and a horror flick.  As a drama, it leaves a bit to be desired.

Infected effects are impressive, and the makeup is quite convincing.

The mass massive-wall-climb (and what follows) is impressive, too…probably the signature image of the film.

On a negative note, the infected plane scenario seems UNBELIEVABLY implausible, considering the VERY well established behavior pattern of infected up to that point (you’ll know when you see it, I think).

There are a few interesting defense/offense ideas vs. zombies/infected presented, and a somewhat-original possible solution proposed and attempted near the end.

The ending is a bit disappointing and generic, unfortunately, but if you like thrillers this movie generally delivers.

Recommended strongly to zombie/infected fans, not because it’s GREAT but because it’s better than most of the sh1t you’re used to. How do I know that?  I’ve seen most of the sh1t you’re used to.

Grade: B

A zombie flick/parody featuring a college campus and some alien slugs.

It’s got a gruff cop with some bad lines – I actually like him.

Campy but not often funny.  Still, if you like anything zombie or are a sucker for camp, it has enough moments to be worth a watch.

Inspirational Quote: “Thrill me.”

Grade: D

A decent unknown NF Streaming movie for a change.

It’s about a woman who is mentally imbalanced, trying to live out the somewhat-normal life she has no doubt struggled to build for herself after a horrific childhood and lots of abuse.  It’s obvious from the start that she is at least somewhat odd/troubled, as she just seems out of place wherever she is; even at the bookstore that she owns.

The only connections that evidently mean anything to her are her books, her cats, her a$$hole ex-bf, and (most of all) her childhood friend and foster sister.  Indeed, these are the only “things” she appears truly comfortable with; the sister especially seems to be vital to her tenuous hold on sanity.

Basically this film is a portrayal of her slow descent, further and further away from her somewhat-ordered and somewhat-normal world, and at the same time the nobility and loyalty of the sister, whose dominant initial nature proves to be necessary and a product of caring, not manipulation or self-gratification.

For quite a while, the lead seems like she’s TRYING as hard as she can to be “normal”, despite obviously losing the battle.  So she evokes sympathy, making it that much more painful when she sinks below a certain point; one beyond sympathy.

The flashbacks and obvious signs of her horrid past, too, evoke sympathy for her.  At least for a while.

The overall mood is dark, foreboding, and disturbing: the music is almost always perfect in reflecting these, as is the acting; which is solid, especially by the lead.

Overall a very dark film, from start to finish – even the lighter parts seem surrounded by lurking shadows.  And it gets better…and more creepy…as it goes along, culminating in the high point of
its effect, which comes a little bit before the ending.

The ending is a disappointment, unfortunately…but til then this is a decent, interesting movie.

Available on Netflix Streaming until 6/15/14.

Grade: C+

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: B-

Terrible, pretentious artsy/goth flick.

The intro monologue is actually promising…until the first special effect, which is so bad that it both disappoints and amuses.

Not quite down to the depths of ‘Vampegeddon’, but close.  Turns out it’s bad acting, bad effects, and lots and LOTS of monologue.

00:20:Something – That’s the director fleeing the scene.

Available on Netflix Streaming until 6/15/14.

Inspirational Quote: “Jesus Christ, it’s like a made-for-tv movie in here…”

Grade: F

A zombie flick.  Imagine my surprise.

The theme is actually somewhat promising, as is the opening; which gives a small but convincing backstory about the female lead, and why she thinks/feels/acts the way she does during the film.

A zombie epidemic is survived by humanity, partly due to a vaccine that “returns” zombies to a normal human state.  But it has to be taken every day, and supplies run short…with the inevitable
reactions both by those infected, those affected, and those just plain scared of the whole situation.

So it’s an unusual, non-redundant take, I’ll give it that.

But it’s pretty slow after the beginning until near the end.  I keep watching because I have to, and because it seems like it MIGHT get better at any moment…but it never really does til the ending.

Points of interest: believable loyalty/devotion of the female lead, a few moving/disturbing parts, and some bits near the ending.

But Chris Cornell’s unintended review of ‘The Crossing Guard’ is too often applicable here, as it just doesn’t live up to the promise.

Grade: D+

This is an artsy German flick (In English).

Not horror, not thriller, mostly dull.

Basically it’s a bunch of scientists arguing/intriguing over research and discovery.  With a backstory, and stumbling to the ending.

I suppose if you like artsy you might like this – it’s got lots of different cuts, camera angles, points of view, flashbacks, etc…

But if you’re looking for what it seems to advertise itself as, you’ll be disappointed if not bored.

The acting is decent, I admit, especially bald creepy-guy.  But I never feel drawn in at all…I never FEEL for any of the characters.  It seems as cold and clinical as its setting.

The music is annoying and out of place a lot.

There’s one interesting plot point and a few cool/weird visuals, and a whole lot of mediocre tedium.

Grade: D-

Pretty much the same as the first, only not nearly as good.

The difference is more marked in the mediocre second half.

Nothing special, so unless you liked the first a LOT, probably safe to skip it.

Grade: C

I like both beginnings: in space and at sea.

And this is a necessary link between old and new, both to announce the definite end of “old” and as a symbol of “unity” to bring fans of each together.

Sounds a bit silly, but it’s true.  And when I say that, I’m including myself in those that are glad it was done this way – with the symbolic handing-over of the torch.

Favorite parts:

– Data’s “emotion chip” insertion and subsequent results.
– Nexus experiences/emotions/discussions.
– Of special amusement: Data’s little song.
– Kirk/Picard interaction

Good transition, good movie.  Good…moving.  At times, at least.

Inspirational Quote: “Humor!  I love it!”

Grade: B

00:10 – Why don’t they look?

Begins with lots of mayhem and extreme character stupidity.

I watched it because I thought it might be a zombie-ish movie.

It’s not.  It’s about some cannibals, but only vaguely.  Mostly it’s about misogyny, bad dialogue, and gratuitous violence.

Both detestable and incredibly stupid.

‘Butcher Boys’ was filmed on location in a vacant slum.

Inspirational Quote: “AHHHHHHH!!!”

Grade: F-

Off Netflix Streaming 6/7/14.

WARNING: SPOILER

WARNING: Not fully viewed.

Ok, so I wrote this huge review for this film after stopping partway through due to moral concerns…and then I found out that it’s not real, as it pretends to be.

It’s people shown filming other people, but they’re all actors.  Subject of fiction: someone wanting to film someone suicidal up to the point of suicide.

So, if you want to discuss the subject of suicide/assisted suicide, the ethics surrounding it, etc…why not just discuss the subject?

Why does ANYONE need to see a group of (fake) people (that is, these people are all acting, to a SCRIPT) go through the obvious moral questions/concerns/dilemmas?

Unless you get off on the dark voyeurism of the whole thing – even though it’s fake – there really is no point, other than to be spurred into thinking about a subject that either a) doesn’t affect you anyway or b) has already occurred to you without prodding.

Note: I stopped when I was unsure if the portrayed-as-real filmmaker interviewed two little girls, one of whom said she wanted to be the subject of the film.  I started again once he revealed he called Social Services.  I stopped again when I realized it was all fake.

I suppose the argument is they had to pretend it was real to evoke real, strong emotions and reactions from viewers.  And it did succeed there.

And I did find myself asking…why WOULD you have watched it if it was real, but NOT continue watching knowing it was fake?

That’s an interesting question.  I can say with certainty that I was rooting for the subject, whoever it may have been, to NOT go through with it.  I was hoping for a realistic (as I thought it was real) story of someone who feels they want to kill themself, but gradually realizes that life (despite how horrible it sometimes can be) is worth living.  I wanted a voyeuristically POSITIVE result, as I believe this to be the case.  Finding out it was fake made it much less interesting…probably because it would require GREAT acting (which I hadn’t seen so far and wasn’t expecting), whereas if it had been REAL, there would be no “acting”…so it would seem real, because it WAS.

So I’m disappointed and a bit frustrated, because it would have been heartwarming to see someone realize that – despite how horrible your life may seem – it’s worth living…to never give up hope.

Grade: D-

6/3/14: Why didn’t I finish this movie, you may ask.  Laziness?  Fear? I just can’t bear to deal with the emotions involved?  No, no, and no.  For anyone that has any experience with extreme depression and/or suicidal ideation, it’s simply not necessary.  Their (and my) real ruminations are infinitely preferable to someone else’s fake ones.

If you have no experience at all with aforementioned subjects, you may find this extremely intriguing.  In that case, up it to a C- from what I saw before stopping, with possibility for a great rise or fall depending on the rest.

For anyone (like me) who has been in such a position and has decided, emphatically, that life IS worth living, and that suicide is NOT an option, it would be redundant at best. 

I’ll take my own genuine realizations and revelations, thank you very much.  Grade: D-

Without – for the most part – the two best characters from II (Spock and Khan), this is a fairly unremarkable, mediocre necessary link to IV – except maybe the last 10 minutes, which are all that’s needed.  And even then only as a warmup to IV if you want one.

The other cast members have to act more to compensate for no Spock, which isn’t so good as they invariably overreach themselves.

Tribbles good, dog putting up with Klingons bad.

Grade: D

Wow…12 years ago.  And to me it seems modern.  Guess I’m getting old.

Parts I remember and parts I don’t…but the one thing I kept remembering throughout was that I liked 2 better.

It’s pretty d@mn fun in the beginning, especially Peter Parker discovering his abilities…cute, both lighthearted and serious.

Tobey Maguire is really good as Parker, but to me the only other standout is the gruff yet oddly charming greedy newspaper chief.  That’s not a good thing, since he has maybe 5-10 minutes total screen time.

Dunst and Franco I find decent but not much more, and the one actor I’d expect to like the most – Willem Dafoe – is actually pretty mediocre.  As the “good” side he’s fine, but the Green Goblin side is overacted and is far more annoying than menacing.  And that’s PRETTY annoying.  I’m not a fan of the comics and I don’t have anything else to go on, but I don’t care…even if Dafoe is portraying him EXACTLY as written, then he’s written pretty badly.

Some dramatic parts believable, others cliche/grandiose.

The camerawork is great, but the FX they capture are sometimes impressive/sometimes Ehhhh…

There’s too much sloooo-moooo, and especially near the ending (and at the ending) it becomes more persistently cliche – not innovative, not “felt”, and just plain not enjoyable.

And there’s far too much Basil Exposition for 2.

Off Netflix Streaming…in a few hours.  Or a few +24, if they show it ON the expiration date and not just TIL it.

Inspirational Quote: “With great power, comes great responsibility. Remember that, Pete…remember that.”

Grade: C

A cabin in the woods.  But this one isn’t scary or funny.

Just another cr@ppy zombie(ish) flick.

Really dumb and boring.

And if I see one more sh1tty movie where they show people nailing small fcken pieces of wood onto fcken doors and windows I’m gonna…not be surprised.

Grade: F

I was afraid to watch this again.  The first time (a LONG time ago) I really liked it, and I was quite concerned that it would be a huge disappointment now, for some nagging reason…

It wasn’t a huge disappointment.  But that’s mostly because I went in expecting it to be a huge disappointment, and it was ok.

The script is…ok.

The acting is decent, not great…Kline probably being the best.

The “drama” attempts fall short, and while it has some amusing moments certainly, it’s rarely “funny”.

Definitely dated.

Off NF Streaming 6/1/14.

Grade: D+

A documentary on the making of ‘Night Of The Living Dead’, with four sources of info: George Romero himself (dun dun DUN!), a voiceover guy and stock footage (Oh, the pretension…), various voices talking over scenes/stills of the movie itself, and lastly (and leastly) some “experts” giving their opinions on various subjects (OHHH, the pretension).

Before proceeding further let me be clear: this is a DOCUMENTARY.  It’s not a ‘Dead’ movie.  It’s not about a new ‘Dead’ movie.  There is NOTHING new here in terms of actual “movie”.  So if you’re looking for that, stop right here and look someplace else.

If you’re up for a ‘Night’ documentary, this is in some ways unique (quotes, stills) and in some ways lacking; leaving out important behind-the-scenes bits that I’ve seen in other documentaries on the subject.

If you think you might be up for it, here goes…

The Sources:

1: Romero – talks about himself, talks about the making, talks about the travails, makes some jokes, laughs, grins, smiles, rakes in the dough.  Hell, I’d be smiling.  “Screw you, copyright laws!” he may well have been thinking.  He also confirms some theories:
-The ending was, from the beginning of the script, intentionally as dark as possible – something they fought to keep, actually.
-The cause of the “zombies” is never given on purpose (I believe George could have concocted something solid if he really wanted to): “God changed the rules, no more room in Hell…” or whatever else you can think of.
-By what he says AND doesn’t say: there was no Vietnam message, no civil rights message, etc etc etc…(see the IQ below for George’s overall take on making the film).  The closest he comes to validating any of these (or any other) theories is to acknowledge that the fictional inspiration for ‘Night’ was about “revolution”. 

From his own commentary, he may have used little bits here and there of what he saw/heard/experienced of the times, but only in the same way that he used the already-dented car: it was there (physically or in his head), so it came out. 

According to Romero’s own words, they DO NOT explore the “racial issue” AT ALL…the script remains as it is despite the concerns of  (you guessed it) Duane Jones. 

A black man as a hero is great, and Duane Jones is a real actor…and the retroactive commentary is fun to think about/look at…but Romero didn’t cast Jones because he was black.  He wasn’t making a message.  He was hiring an actor.  So let’s not turn this into some great, brave revelation by Romero.  It simply was as it happened.

2: Voiceover guy and stock footage – lots of commentary about the 60’s, the civil rights movement, riots, unrest, violence, politics, Vietnam…none of which, I believe, had anything to do with ‘Night’.  I mean, was Romero AWARE of these events?  Sure.  Did they inspire him to make a movie?  Did they have ANYTHING to do with the movie?  No.  He just wanted to make a flippin’ movie.  Again, see the IQ below.  Trudging through this is often painful since it’s so obviously cr@p and it’s not even NEW cr@p…I’ve heard most of it before.

3: Various voices + scenes/stills – Often interesting, mostly because of the movie supplying the footage, but occasionally due to some commentary that rises above mediocre/redundant (usually from George).  Unfortunately it doesn’t seem to be able to decide on whether it wants to be THIS (an actual analysis of creation/scenes/etc) or an over-analysis of extremely debatable “motivations”/”themes”/”messages”…ultimately the latter wins out, which is too bad.

4: The only names I recall are Fessenden and Ebert, because everything else was just so unremarkable.  You’ve got George himself talking about it…who the fck cares what some random unrelated guy THINKS George was “trying to say”?  You’ve got the man himself there.  And the man himself seems to say, for the most part, “I was just trying to make a horror film”.  But for the good and the bad:
– Larry Fessenden tries to cast the movie as a willful defiance of Hollywood as a form of “critique” of “Hollywood” films…but that’s bullsh1t.  Romero shot it on a really worn shoestring because he
HAD to, not cuz he would have minded getting a few thousand from “mainstream cinema”.  So Fessenden stars as the guy that gets the most pretentious about the whole thing.
– As Roger Ebert (among others) attested to, and is quoted rather hauntingly around 1:02:00 as saying, this was NOT your typical B-grade 60’s cheezy “horror” flick – something which children found out rather painfully after going in expecting to see one.  His quote, as per usual with him and R.C., says it better than I ever could.

Other notes: Some good background info on the many contributors to the film that you may not have seen/heard/known before, some interesting little factoids in general, a completely unexplainable venture into Sidney Poitier films that makes me think they needed to pad out the length or were just REALLY stretching the whole (non-existent, IMPO) “civil rights” angle to the film, and LOTS and LOTS of over-analysis.

I think Romero himself summed up ‘Night’ and dismissed all the brouhaha surrounding it simultaneously with the best line of the doc.

Inspirational Quote: “It was no big thing, man.”

Grade: D

Three Asian (Korean) short films: one “zombie” and then two artsy.

If you’re not in the mood to have (at least attempted) deeeeeep thoughts presented for your analysis/approval/disapproval/mockery, best to steer clear.

But generally not being a fan of pretentious artsy cr@p, I find the second and third films somewhat interesting and worth a view.  I don’t think they’re as “deep” as they want to be, but they don’t annoy me and they do, to an extent, intrigue me.

First: Zombie-ish outbreak film.  A few darkly humorous touches, otherwise totally generic at best and terrible (in dialogue and acting) at worst.  And more the latter.

Second: A robot appears to have achieved “Consciousness” – a sense of identity and a pattern of “thought” beyond what was programmed into it.  Some revere it, some want it destroyed.

The dialogue and acting are generally decent, and it’s at least somewhat thought-provoking; with a definite Buddhist leaning to its philosophizing.  Parts are dull, but parts are interesting…and I was surprised and pleased (quality-wise) by the ending.

Third: After an online order, everyone prepares for the end of the world via a meteor collision.  Like the first, a few darkly humorous touches…more, probably; and better.  More in line with
the second in terms of the acting and dialogue being relatively decent.  A hell of a lot better than ‘Melancholia’, and less fcken gloomy.

Grade: D+

Attempt to cash in on the current (then; hopefully fading) undead craze (mostly zombies, but still).

Tries to be a witty dark comedy, a drama, and an action film.

Fails at the first except for a couple of (brief) moments and completely (and somewhat embarrassingly) fails at the second.

As for action, it’s just boring since the movie is so completely and utterly shallow that you don’t care at all about any of the “characters”.

I had little hope to start, and never gained any.

Inspirational Quote: “I look like a dead hooker!”

Grade: F

The opening is cheezy and grandiose, and just plain bad.

And, for the most part, so is the rest of the movie.

I could (and did) write a page of notes on its flaws, but in editing mode they have been whittled down (and tidied up).

The positives: Gary Oldman (good and creepy as usual) as Dracula and Anthony Hopkins (just as good) as Van Helsing.  And some guy I don’t recognize as Renfield, though his part is small.

The negatives: Every single thing Keanu Reeves says and does (the accent is laughable and the acting follows suit), Winona Ryder (not nearly as bad but still mediocre and unconvincing), often cheezy FX, bordering-on-silly grandiosity, and parts of the script which even Oldman can’t save.

On a more visceral (my new favorite word) note, I find myself feeling sympathy for Oldman’s Dracula (as is intended) because his love is true, as he demonstrates at several points; and also because of the very real sense of doom he must exist with.

Van Helsing draws my sympathies from discipline, bravery, and (most importantly by far) the belief that he does what he does because he believes and cares, not because he enjoys.  Hopkins’ acting makes this clear well before the quote below does so.

Other notes: 40 minutes in my only real hope was that Hopkins would save it…Dracula’s come-on to Ryder hovers just above Torgo-ish in nature.

There are a few moving moments in the movie, but overall the intended majestic gestures are an exercise in “gothic” pomposity.

Without Hopkins, indeed, I would find it virtually unwatchable.

Inspirational Quote: “He was in life a most remarkable man, and his mind was great and powerful…but greater is the necessity to stamp him out and destroy him utterly.”

Grade: D

Some decently acted family interaction leads off, broken up only by a vaguely odd visitor plot point.

Fairly quickly turns into the female lead vs. weird/unexplained events as the other characters are absent for a long stretch of house-creeping, with the camerawork as ragged as her emotional state.

But it’s basically just consistent suspense/spookiness and very little else – broken briefly by what seems a silly fx moment getting near the end.  There’s no unexpected (and necessary) “payoff” to all the creeping about.

The lead is fairly convincing, but there’s so little to the movie that it’s really not enough.  The ending certainly isn’t worth it.

Grade: D-

Love the intro.

To sum up without giving away, it’s about cannibalism and a mythology of “gaining another’s” strength through it.  It’s also about morality vs. self-preservation and decadence.

First act: a bit creepy (moreso as it nears the end), and darkly humorous at points (in line with the intro, but under rather adverse conditions).  It works fairly well, for me at least; the creepiness
and dark humor mesh together and don’t cancel each other out at all.  Even the music and camerawork seem to be in on it.

Personally I think the first act goes on a little bit too long – it’s setup, I welcome and understand, but perhaps a bit too much of it at a bit too slow of a pace.

Then a foreboding interlude after the very important plot point.

Second act: the humor fades (with a brief return near the end) and it becomes, for the most part, a dark drama.  Much more consistently tense and creepy, somewhat philosophical, more thought-provoking, and more compelling in general.

The ending is decent in more ways than one.

I particularly like the way in which the film portrays those who dismiss morality and quote against it as a “weakness” as being themselves weak, unable to keep in check the most base impulses, slaves to their own dangerous yet pathetic ethos because they have become the embodiment of it, not because they believe in it.  For the most part, that is…there are always exceptions, rare though they may be.

Self-preservation is the opiate of the masses, as I am ultra fond of saying.

Grade: B-

An altered, “modern” take on Herman Melville’s short story.

It’s got David Paymer co-starring, if you care.

Weird and quirky right from the beginning; and while the supporting cast’s contributions are fine (decently acted) the draw is Bartleby (played by Crispin Glover) and Paymer’s boss character – their actions and interactions.

I find it promising from shortly in ’til the “punchline”…the delivery, the riddle answered, in the vein of ‘The Twilight Zone’.  DECENT, not great ‘Twilight Zone’, since while I found some enjoyment in the buildup I was a bit let down by the ending.

It does get a bit artsy, but I wasn’t put off by that in this case.  You, on the other hand, may think it’s a load of pretentious cr@p.  It’s really hard to say without watching.  I guess TZ is the closest thing I can think of to gauge your interest.  Or if you’ve read the short story.

Bad points: a little (totally out of place) slapstick, some dull moments, not as creepy as it could have been.

Inspirational Quote: “I would prefer not to.”

Grade: C-

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: C

The beginning shows the promise of a generic flight disaster film (zombies, infected, snakes, etc…) with predictable and eminently forgettable characters.

It turns out to be more of a bad Whodunit, with nothing of the zombie/infected/mystical/supernatural sort until about 20 minutes left.  And even then it’s pretty tedious.

A really old Mark Hamill gives it semi-star power, and makes me actually feel really sad for the guy.

Re: old Mark Hamill – the FX are not quite ‘Star Wars’ (the cheezy original) quality.

Great cinematic moment: Foreboding “complimentary drink” music.

Grade: F

Un-promising cartoon intro.

Then there’s a live-action continuation of some really questionable mythology and a car crash which leaves the lead somewhere between this world and the next (sort of like ‘The Crow’, face paint and all).

But that’s the only thing in common with ‘The Crow’.

This movie features a lead who isn’t a very good actor, a bunch of other people that aren’t very good actors, some really bad dialogue points, lots of weird but not very interesting scenes,
somewhat silly FX, and lots of rain. (Oops…two things).

I did not enjoy this at any point, and was quite thankful when it ended.  Recommended to lovers of pretentious, grandiose quasi-goth cinema.

Really bad ending, too.

Grade: F

Converting notes to review form:

The premise is interesting enough, sure…and the intro is decent.  I actually had my interest sparked a bit in both the subject and the competence level of the film.

But it goes nowhere.  It takes a premise and stretches it as far as possible in terms of “setup” and then just slowly dissolves into poorly acted, scripted, and directed insanity. Disappointing long before the end, but I hoped that at least the ending would be somewhat worth my trouble.  It wasn’t.

None of the players stand out acting-wise, so I don’t buy into any of them or their interactions/frictions, nor do I particularly care what happens to their characters.  Near the end I can sort of see why one of them goes insane (and it’s not abstract), but the acting of the others doesn’t convince me.

The first moment of foreboding (for my possible viewing enjoyment) comes with the first act of insanity, which isn’t slow…it’s just very, very stupid and completely unbelievable.

Features some EXTREMELY annoying noises…just as bad for the viewer as the cast.

Rips: ‘Pet Sematary’, ‘In The Mouth Of Madness’, and of course ‘The Blair Witch Project’; except the reactions aren’t real, the characters aren’t as believable, and it’s in no way original by the year 2010.  In fact, it’s been done to death, and this is a pointless and mostly worthless variation.

Featuring a motivational speech on neck-breaking.

Grade: F

10/3/15: Eh.  Upped a notch for mood/intro.  It still sucks.  Grade: D-

Not “found” films; “cheezily and laughably stolen” films.

The thieves have pretty bad taste, too.

First: Old puppeteer clings to his puppet obsession, conflicting with British lad and his mum.  Features a couple of extremely unnecessary in-out zooms, “Wayne’s World” style, and a really dumb chase.  Awfully bad.

Second: Quite dull until very close to the end, where a mildly interesting twist fails to save it.  Sadly, the best of the bunch.

Third: Sillier and sillier story about a house with a strange self-defense system based on garden gnomes and blinking lights.

The post-third ending is very short but terrible.

Grade: F

First half: Somewhat creepy, good makeup/fx for most interesting scene: no gore but fairly disturbing (see, it CAN be done!), acting/script seem a BIT wooden at times, fade…

Second half: Decent fx for not-so-key scenes, greater (same) problem with acting/script, somewhat less creepy, disappointing (and bad) ending.

The only part I’d ever want to watch again is the one first-half scene, which comes just before the second half and gives you a bit of false hope.

I mean it’s never AWFUL…but it’s a horror movie that veers towards dull far too often and is never light – a “serious” waste of time.

Grade: D-

Just found on NF streaming.

You’ve probably seen it already, but if you haven’t (or don’t remember) here’s a quick summary:

Roman General Maximus, after a decisive victory in Germania (which opens and is the best part of the movie, IMPO) is condemned to death by the Emperor’s son, who does not react well to being told he will not inherit his father’s position.  Maximus becomes a slave, and then works his way back to Rome, where the inevitable confrontation occurs.  Then there’s lots of drama before it occurs again.

Joaquin Phoenix is very good (and creepy and evil) as the son, but Russell Crowe is the star with a ferocious and emotionally convincing performance as Maximus.

Periods of tedium, periods of mediocrity, periods of moving excitement/epicness.

There are some really interesting/moving visuals – some grand and some tiny – mostly near and at the end.

I think it’s a little too long.

But, overall, a pretty good movie.

Inspirational Quote: “They say no.”

Grade: B-

An amazing archaeological discovery brings James Spader (Indiana Jones without the respect, personality, or ruggedness…or Evie without the charm and quirkiness) and Kurt Russell (a Kurt Russell character – Gruff variant) together to try to make sense and a movie out of it.

Turns out to be a portal, leading to a sci-fi-ish adventure.

I remembered it being somewhat interesting but ponderous, confusing, and ultimately unsatisfying.

Re-viewing: Pretty boring, actually.  Dull and often cliche.  The beginning isn’t too bad, but the farther it goes the worse it gets.

Grade: D-

The disappointing/unnecessary/ragged rough draft/precursor for ‘Desperado’.

Grade: D-

Phew, thank God…another “found footage” movie.  I was beginning to worry.

Starts off decently actually, as a WWII movie from the perspective of some Russian soldiers.

It builds up decently as well, with some signs of what’s to come.

Finally they run into the monstrous creations, which seem pretty small in number for an army.  But they are rather deadly.

After that it’s grossness, pauses, and intermittent poorly-filmed battles with often-silly monstrosities until a quick plot twist explaining the camera’s “necessity”.

It switches shortly thereafter to gross Dr. Frankenstein disgustingness (he’s not nearly as interesting as ‘Day Of The Dead”s version) as the unbelievable and fairly thin plot stretches to the end.

I admit, it was interesting enough (at least in potential/curiosity) to make me actually WANT to watch ’til Frankenstein appeared.  But after that it was just gross and fairly pointless, with several dialogue mistakes that I don’t believe were intentional, but which I HOPE the director left in because he didn’t care anymore either.

Grade: D

Hey, it’s Bob Solo.  Better not let him out of the car.

After seeing the opening caption I was ready, and sure enough…spotted at 22 minutes and change.  Recurring, yet.

This is not another ‘1313’ movie, despite the title.  I’ve learned my lesson well.

Watched mainly to test my memory from age 13-14 of it being good; part I remembered best from before: future ‘Shawshank’ guard getting the sh1t beaten out of him.

It’s a very dark movie, mostly prison-type scenes.  It’s also far too long…there’s a lot of dull/mediocre sh1t that should have been trimmed, especially in the second half.  But it holds up decently for the most part.

And yeah, it’s the long version, and yeah, it’s off NF streaming IMMINENTLY.

Grade: C

The opening ‘Scream’ parody is pretty good.

The rest is a mixed bag, with lots of unfunny parodies/jokes and a few other decent ones.

Other Favs: ‘Reservoir Dogs’ slow-walk mock, recurrent driving disaster memories, and a few other ultra-quick bits.

Near the end it gets REALLY dull, unfortunately…you can pretty much turn it off after the last driving flashback.

I reviewed it because it’s off NF streaming SOON, if you care.

Grade: D

NF streaming description incorrect.  It should read, IMPO: “After making out while drunk and depressed with some guy, he rapes her”.  Just to prepare those who are expecting a one-night-stand.

It should, IMPO, further read: “He gives her some horrific illness that slowly degenerates her body, life, morality, and sanity – in that order.  Near the end she goes psycho, destroys everyone she cares about, and then is VERY briefly an infected/zombie.  The End.”

I mean, that’s it…and there’s no point.  How is this so unlike ‘Jenifer’, then?  In ‘Jenifer’ there’s a choice.  And it’s fcken scary.  This is just: “you’re fcked, you’re gonna fck over everyone you know, then you’re gonna die.  There’s nothing you can do about it.”  And it’s not scary, just gross.

Basically this tries to appeal to the gross, nasty visuals crowd.  But if you want gross, nasty visuals there are SO many movies out there that are ALL gross, nasty visuals.  So this is pointless.

The acting is decent, so I can’t possibly give this an F.  But I’d really, really like to.

Grade: D-

6/23/18: I had a feeling this was better than I gave it credit for. And I was right, sort of. The female lead is convincing, and the grossness is … interesting. There’s precious little more, but it is interesting if you LIKE gross. Not “tolerate if there’s something more to it-gross”, but LIKE. The nasty-horrible-vicious-little side of me does sometimes. Oh, and there’s a very powerful anti-lesbian message here. Methinks the director doth get rejected too much. Grade: D

I really like the intro to this…nice flow of time to the pictures.

And the couple becomes likeable 10 mins in, when the husband shows a good sense of humor and some wit, and the wife shows (I think) faithfulness, cuteness, and obvious (I think) love.

Shortly after that the teapot arrives on scene.

I like the sorta-BDSM scene but that’s probably cuz the wife is hot.

I also like her well-worded vagina defense, which takes place during one of the last really interesting scenes (a mostly-vegan meal clash).

There ends the good portion of the review.  Because unlike how I expected this to go, it turns to (attempts at) humor and absurdity.  The humor is sometimes dark, but more often it’s medium: not light-hearted, but not good enough for dark either.  Luke-warm.

It’s just tedious after a while, the silly quality having destroyed any chance of emotional attachment or taking anything seriously…at least for me.

Eventually things end, probably as you expected them to after a certain point.

Great idea, decent start…WRONG direction.  This should have been a thriller, a creepy morality play.  Not a comedy.  Or it should have been a really funny comedy, which it wasn’t.

Grade: D

Quick review/advice: watch the first 35-40 and last 4-5 minutes.  Skip the other 80 or so.

My first impression was: French.  It’s artsy.  Competent but boring.

Then: Gets more clever, I can tell (I think) the messages it’s sending without being hit over the head with them, and I chuckle/smile a bit.  The way she finds a secret compartment is clever, especially after being led in a different direction.  Then it slowly meanders and starts to lose me until…

About 40 minutes in, I’d had enough.  And though I watched the rest of it, I really didn’t care.  It was drudgery and “Yeah, real clever.  Wonderful.  Oh, great…yeah.  How much time is left??”.

To explain, I would say that the clever bits either stopped being clever or COMPLETELY lost my interest because they were leading to dull/dumb things if they led anywhere at all.  The talking to the camera didn’t draw me in…thank God.  I didn’t wanna be in.  It was the same as the rest, no better or worse.  Equivalent, let’s say, for the sticklers, as opposed to equal.

Quite frankly I found Amelie herself more pretentious and weird than interesting.  Weird does NOT equal interesting.  The two are not intrinsically connected, although they certainly converge in many instances.  This, to me, is not one of them.  And despite all of her weirdness, I find her acts of inspiration rather stupid random chaos.

Her signature moves are smiling impishly, and letting others (including the narrator) talk for her.

I mean, I don’t buy it.  I don’t buy it at all.  Not one bit, not after :40:00.

I get the messages…like when she asks her father a deep question and he responds by saying something unrelated and dull, my interpretation is “they’re showing how different they are and how she longs for someone to understand her, etc…”.  I get that.  I just don’t think it’s really any more clever than the next DECENT movie giving messages in exactly the same way.  Without being brilliant.  Just like this.

Parts are just overblown and annoying, because they’re supposed to be brilliant but I know they’re not.  I particularly groaned (not just bored, annoyed) at the artsy-craftsy visuals.

Vastly overrated.  After 40, it’s barely watchable.  And it HURTS.

Grade: D-

“…he looked like a doctor.
He did, actually.
That’s true.
But he wasn’t, unfortunately.”

A lunatic who believes he is a doctor escapes from confinement and carries out his “work”.

He’s pretty creepy and/or campy when he’s not giggling stupidly.

Somewhat better than your typical cr@p horror flick.  And there are a few clever, funny moments amidst all the stupid ones.

Inspirational Quote: “Terminal.”

Grade: D

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: D+

Not to be confused with ‘World War Z’.  There are a lot of streaming movies that need a tag to that effect regarding some other (major) movie.

People become infected by a space germ and start eating other people.

There’s attention paid to trying to develop characters that you care about, but it’s not done very well so you really don’t care all that much.  At least, I don’t.  Seems shallow emotionally, superficial; just as bad as if they hadn’t bothered and just gone with all gore.

It’s completely serious, not camp.  And it’s just good enough that you can’t really laugh at it, you just have to tolerate it or – maybe, if you see something I don’t – enjoy it mildly as an infected/zombie flick.

The actors seem to do their best, but that doesn’t stop the acting from descending often into B-Grade.

Ok…there’s one moment of REALLY bad gore FX about halfway through, but where it loses my consideration for anything above a D- comes when an infected tears a woman’s arm off and then beats another woman to death with a REALLY bad prop.  Maybe that’s not how I wanna go.

About an hour in: bad infected behavior continuity.  Lazy, lazy!

The ending drama might do something for you if you’re in the right mood.  And you won’t be missing anything if you skip to it to find out.

Grade: D-

Stylish crime drama/action/dark comedy.   Stylish like Tarantino, so you don’t really need to know what the actual plot is.

You know, one of those types.  Lots of clever references and a few interesting visuals.

It’s a little TOO clever for me most times, though…references that make sense but don’t seem amusing, just self-indulgent. 

Or boring, if you prefer. 

Not as bad as ‘DIEner”s subtitle, but you get the idea.  And if you don’t, check it out.

Ending’s pretty cool, though.

Grade: C-

Yeah, I saw this when it came out.  Ahhh…long gone days.

Really dark comedy/horror, of course.

Doesn’t disappoint after a brief interlude of not seeing it.  At LEAST ten years…it’s scarier than any movie it references and it feels real.

Good until the very ending, when it gets a bit weak.

Cutest character: David Arquette…awwww.

Great Moment In Nipple Shot History: Rose McGowan

Inspirational Quote: “You fcken hit me with the PHONE, d1ck!”

Grade: B

Extremely cheezy “terror” opening: “The Past”

Robert Englund with a horrid combover: “Present Day”

Then the “romantic tension” is announced via a rock song w/ the dialogue.

Features some really obvious extras movement.  That’s extras to the movie, moving in very obvious badly choreographed patterns.

And at one point you might get thirsty for some COKE.

First Wish: Screaming, shifting/growing little creature form, some COKE, and the female lead’s anguished face montage.

Oh, there’s an amazing no-crash insane driving sequence.  Apparently only swerving was in the budget.

Especially after a bit of Robert Englund and a VERY little Tony Todd.

There’s a killing spree near the end that wants to be ‘Hellraiser III’ but is more ‘Monty Python’s Sam Peckinpah’s Salad Days’.

If you wanna see the heroine vs. the djinn in a (boring) Wits N’ Wishes battle, that starts around the hour mark.

Inspirational Quote: “Yessss…the sh1t just…hit the fan, didn’t it?”

Grade: F

So there come times when I ask myself why I watch these wretched movies that I watch, knowing I must hate them because they stink and really, who wants to read about D- after D- after F…and do *I* really want to WRITE about them so badly?

But then there’s the occasional ‘Lo’ or ‘The Devil’s Rock’ or ‘Wake Wood’…a little gem of a movie that I otherwise would have missed.

This, believe it or not, falls into that saving-grace category.

It’s about a family that practices cannibalism on a semi-regular basis.  And, since it’s made well, it’s therefore quite disturbing…and interesting.

Low-key and yet creepy at the beginning and slowly but steadily building up in both what the family does/is revealed as having done and in the suspicions of others.

The mood is appropriate, and the acting by a no-name cast is quite good.

There are a few hokey “action” parts near the end, but they don’t last long and eventually the action isn’t so hokey.

It’s bloody disgusting, but it’s not hokey.

EXTREMELY gory/disturbing near the end.

Pretty powerful, actually.

Just one question: shaking hands…so ‘Book of Eli’ was right??

Grade: B

Slightly interesting opening featuring the Spanish/American Inquisition.

It quickly devolves into a religious/western/zombie/post-apoc mishmash.

Then Snipes explains his motivation.

Then it’s a lot of boredom and pondering and dullness.

Exceptions: A couple of the action scenes have some interest value, and tell me that little boy/girl doesn’t look like Newt!

Grade: D-

Presumption and 1st Impression: student-film level sh1t non-horror flick.

Christopher Lloyd gets some work and makes the best of it, and so does Kevin McDonald.

But the more I watched, the more I realized it was not complete sh1t. It was mostly sh1t, but decent mocking material, and some decent cheezy sh1t moments.

That’s not an endorsement…it’s a reprieve from sh1t failure land.

Approx. 1:11:00 – One of the finest unexpected moments in anti-Cage, pro-Conan cinematic history.

Inspirational Quote: “I’m gonna go poop.”

Grade: D-

Eric Idle proves he doesn’t need John Cleese to be funny.

Of course, John Cleese needs Idle even less, but there it is.

Occasionally amusing parody with short songs, some of which are fun and some of which are boring.

A bit better than ‘Bad News’ but nowhere near as good as ‘Tap’.

Highlights:
some of Idle’s writing
consistent camera problems
ripping off old bluesmen
Idle v. Radner

Lowlights:
many Python rips by Idle, not as funny the second time (I stopped counting at 4, not quite halfway through)
some of the songs

Grade: D+

I’ve watched them out of order, so I don’t know whether to say “improvement” or “downgrade”…but this is pretty insightful/direct/funny. 

Almost back to ‘Chewed Up’, I think.

And it’s a welcome return to very bad taste.

Favorite bits: extended Hate rant, slavery rant, extended Anti/Pro children rant

Inspirational Quote: “You don’t die, idiot, you just have a long sh1tty second half.”

Grade: B

This is his worst so far, IMPO.

It’s decent and watchable but it doesn’t seem inspired.  And it’s just plain not that funny.  A coupla chuckles/laughs is not good enough.

Grade: C-