Category: Movie/Long Subject Reviews

Ok…forget everything I’ve ever said about this movie. 

It had been a LONG LONG time since I last saw it.  ‘Til now.

The intro is weak and the intro song sucks.

As for the movie…it’s got some completely weak/dull bits scattered liberally throughout.  It’s also got some really amusing/interesting bits scattered liberally throughout.

Nothing that’s PARTICULARLY funny…not up to ‘Holy Grail’ or any of the best of ‘Flying Circus’. 

The best parts come after about the 40 minute mark.  Some of them are lifted, but they rip their own material, so it’s not too bad.

And it’s got a nice message at the very end.

Inspirational Quote: “No, that’s the point…don’t let ANYONE tell you what to do!”

Grade: C+

Great intro…Steve Buscemi almost always satisfies.

This is a bunch of action scenes, mostly shootouts, spread out over the length of a movie by drama scenes that don’t really mean anything.

This movie doesn’t really mean anything.  But here are my favs:

– The first shootout after Buscemi’s warning: great music/action.

– Danny Trejo vs. Banderas and a car full of bad guys: great action/chaos theory ponderings.

A couple of scenes are also interesting/amusing…but most are just there because they have to be.

Grade: C-

Ok, so apparently there’s this little Asian boy with terrifyingly bad dental work.  And/or bad breath.

Just dumb.  That’s all.  Another sh1t Japanese horror flick.

Inspirational Quote: “oooooooooooaaaaaaaahhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHH”

Grade: F

There’s a hole in this thar movie!

So the kid sees soon-to-be-dead people?  Mostly dead?  Slightly alive?  Que?  Little boy in this movie: you are no Haley Joel Osment.

Freakiness/Weirdness is there, but the first not as much.  And there really isn’t much “scariness”…it’s mostly a longggg bit of atmosphere broken up by scenes; tedious in the middle.

I don’t buy the drama or the characters so much, probably because of the quality of the writing.  And acting.  Not horrid, but…not A-list.

After it seems over: The rest seems plastered on, thrown in because it still wasn’t good enough, a lame attempt at more suspense “action”.

With all that said, kudos to the director for making it watchable and semi-enjoyable.  I’m sure it wasn’t easy.

To all the critics that don’t “understand” the movie:  I think you misuse the word “understand”.  I understand it, I just think parts of it exist for no real reason, explained or otherwise.  It’s just someone’s attempt at a scary movie, that’s all.  And they had to pad around it and make it more “mysterious” to achieve anything at all.

But it’s not worth all the work.  Maybe it could’ve been a dark, creepy X-File.  But it wasn’t.

Grade: C

Easily the best thing about this is the relaxed lineup promo pic.

Somewhat odd, mostly over-wordy and boring (at least, after a while) crime drama.

Kevin Spacey as the “narrator” and one of the Usuals is really the only draw. 

Everything else is what an “ensemble cast” movie usually is: not good, but professional and therefore somewhat tolerable.  But nothing to watch voluntarily.

Disappointing…I was hoping for much better.

Inspirational Drool: Stephen Baldwin

Grade: D

Horrible aerial footage and completely out-of-place music indicates this will suck.  Nevertheless…

Oh God, the horrid dialogue. 

Oh God, the horrid battle scenes.

Brilliant scene selection, too.  Zoom in slightly on a dead body, then immediately cut to bad disco number cuz THEY can dance!

A lot of music and dancing to pad the film, of course.

And cr@ppy “gore” FX, especially with the Chia Zombies. 

And horrid foley.

Basically, this is a sh1t movie that you might get a kick out of if you like mocking said movie type.  In that case, it’s…serviceable.

Grade: D

It’s a Troma flick.  Most difficult part of reviewing it: deciding on ’87 or ’89.  I did a thorough couple minute search and I’m going with ’87.

I’ve explained Troma before, so let’s just say this one isn’t smart or funny in its horribleness.  I think I’m gonna stop watching these; this is a very persuasive argument.

According to Wikipedia, this is a “VERY low budget” film.  Caps mine, and I agree.

Answer: Oh, about 3 1/2 minutes.

6:57 – Production meeting
27:55-28:00 – At least one person gets a good laugh
55:57 – HAIKIBA!
1:01:25-40 – Camera sex

1:03:30-1:05:30 – Great moment in insane medical history, and the only at-all funny/clever part of the film.

Inspirational Quote: “Where’s a good place to take a sh1t?”

Grade: F-

Simon Pegg does nothing to help save this…save yourself the bother.

It’s supposed to be a clever, amusing dark comedy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mAwfAadI1KU

That’s about it, though.

Grade: D-

Starts off really well – tasteless and/or funny, and seemingly fresh.

That’s the first few minutes.

After that it becomes uneven: more amusing than funny, with a few exceptions.  And the mumbling/grunting gets on my fcken nerves after…right away.  I don’t want Tim Allen, I want Louis C.K.

He just doesn’t seem all that inspired sometimes.  For the first time that I’ve noticed, he seems vaguely fake in points.

Check out the highlights, then try another special, unless you demand to see them all.

Highlights: Dead Kid bit, Awkward Heterosexual Sucking bit, Sh1t bit

Grade: C+

This is a dark/silly comedy, despite the blood.  “Horror” is just such a misplaced word relating to this.

Stressed out man gets an alien thing in his body.

Best things about it: Distant relative of ‘How To Get Ahead In Advertising’ (perhaps a lovechild with ‘Office Space’), the train intro, and Peter Stormare.

Neutrals: Intelligence, Weirdness, Decent acting.

Worst thing about it: The fact that I got completely bored not quite halfway in and never gave a sh1t after that.

Grade: D

This is such an AMAZINGLY mediocre movie.  Truly, the level of not-good-but-not-too-bad is persistently off the charts.

Nick Nolte is a poor man’s…anyone.  Or a median-income man’s Mitchell.  Or a lucky man to get any roles at all.  Or a straw man if you pick on his acting over Murphy’s.

One good thing: Murphy is decent and sometimes amusing.

WOW is some of this music cheezy as hell.  WHY, James Horner?

If this had any effect on the making of GOOD cop/buddy action flicks, great, and thank you.  But by itself it’s a mediocre version of something that’s since been done to death, and much better.

Inspirational Quote: “There’s a new sheriff in town…and his name is Reggie Hammond.”

Grade: D

Extremely dated in parts (yes, beyond the norm for ’85), but it’s a fairly interesting/entertaining little movie. Parts REALLY drag, but parts hold up well.

I mean, it’s not a horror film. Don’t think it’s even trying for that. It’s more a dark and cheezy comedy with a little bit of mediocre drama thrown in. When the very few actually dramatic scenes occur, it does make them that much more…dramatic.

My opinion on it might be slightly dated given past (beginning near original release) viewings, but I think I’ve pretty much detached that and given it a reasonable/fair grade. And I only had to watch it for the 33rd time!

Inspirational Quote: “You’re so cool, Brewster!”

Grade: C

10/5/16: BETTER Inspirational Quote: “You havta have faith, for this to work on *me*, Mr. Vincent.”

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: C+

Again, the problem: Hicks (as much as I’d want him to be) is not a very good stand-up comic.  I’m sorry, he’s not. (Thanks, NdT).

Repeats some material from ‘Dangerous’, and I think it’s safe to say makes ‘Dangerous’ completely irrelevant since it’s also better.

File under the “Admirable But Not Very Enjoyable” category.

Best Bits:  Weapons Catalog, Good Drugs/Good Drug Story

Inspirational Quote: “You know, I don’t know what y’all believe and I don’t really care.”

Grade: C

Like I said in my review of Hicks’ biopic, he’s not nearly as funny as he or I would like.

But he’s sincere and he’s at least somewhat amusing/intriguing in his anger/frustration.

I’d LIKE to grade him higher on sheer moral principle, but artistic integrity forces my hand yet again.

By the way…since I assume any stand-up comedian researches his/her material at least in a basic fashion, who is George Michaels?  If that offends you, chill the fck out…Hicks would have wanted you to.

Inspirational Quote: “Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration…that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively.  There’s no such thing as death, life is only a dream and we’re the imagination of ourselves.  Here’s Tom with the weather.”

Inspirational Idea: At the very end.

Grade: C-

Worst of the three I’ve seen so far, but that’s more a compliment to the other two.

C.K. is talented enough that even his “ok” is better than most comic’s “funny”.

Laughed a few times; REAL laughter, too…and was at least mildly amused for the rest of the time…could’ve used a few more of the first though.

Louis, at this point, is a bit like a security blanket…I can wrap myself in the knowledge that while he may not always be brilliant, he never stinks.  And this is some small comfort re: standup.

Tasteless, as usual…seems to have fun with it, as usual…doesn’t seem to give a fck if you’re offended or not, as usual.

Good, sensible, easy-to-understand pro Gay Rights section too.

Not his BEST, but it ain’t bad.  So if you’re anal about such things, start here.

Highlights:
Extra Jerky
bags of dicks
donuts and dead hookers

Inspirational Quote: “Who gives a sh1t?? It doesn’t MATTER, it doesn’t have any effect on your life, why the fck do you care?”

Grade: B-

For those who thought Russell was dumb/cliche in ‘Escape From New York’, well step aside…a new standard has been set.

It’s a nice, weird, silly, big, smelly pile of cheeze. Perfect for non-thinking, mocking, and potentially grinning/chuckling/laughing.

Inspirational Quote: “Now this really pisses me off to no end!”

Grade: D+

The best ‘Massive Headwound Harry’ cinematic performance ever.

Not nearly as scary or interesting as the book.

But it’s close enough to be a little bit of both.

Grade: C+

Poorly conceived, written, and performed ‘Saw’ ripoff.

Pad-the-film time is rampant, the acting is mediocre, there are no interesting ideas presented, and it’s not particularly horrifying. 

Oh, and the voiceover guy is trying WAY too hard.

Featuring the remarkable “plane-sniffing man”.

Grade: F

Ness and his Inconceivables:
Moving bravely through the cigarette-smoke-and-hot bribe (TEXAS STYLE!!!) induced fog/smog toward the Grail-like ultimate goal of preventing people from drinking booze. 

WHAT AN IDEA! Not a GOOD one, but, an IDEA!

Not exactly high up on my list of “heroes”.

Wikipedia: “The efforts of Ness and his team had little impact on Capone’s operations. Ness had almost nothing to do with the IRS prosecuting Capone for income tax evasion, which led to Capone’s downfall.”

Income Tax Evasion…now, what low-effort bit of mine does that remind me of…

Has not aged well (especially near the end), but still somewhat interesting, if overly DRAMATIC!

Grade: D

There’s a lot of stumbling and repetition and stupid attempts at “dialogue” but very little else.  The zombies aren’t that great either.

No exciting, brilliant, refreshing (???), ingenious, or clever new ideas here.  Same zombie sh1t, different zombie day.  So it’s forced to get by on the acting and script.  Unfortunately, the acting sucks and the script is even worse.

Inspirational Quote: “I can’t imagine it could be any worse.”

Grade: F-

Long, slow movie with lots of slow, dull acting and no horror.

Very occasional psychotic outburst, like Cleese in the architect sketch – only much less convincing and completely un-funny.

Begins, ends, and goes almost the entire way through with a whimper.

Guest Review:

“What a bunch of cr@p!” -R. Ubbish

Grade: F

Ok, fairly generic movie that tries to be really funny (sometimes subtle, sometimes not).

Bad gore attempts, some good tasteless humor, some boring attempted humor.

And, of course, zombies.  They shamble…nothing special.

I get the feeling, as I got around the time of K. Cobain’s death, that while these types of movies will continue to be made, everything that has to be said, every variant that needs to be explored…is over and done.  So it might limp along for a while, but it is essentially dead.

Note: Cobain reference was toward grunge, not Cobain himself.

Grade: D

With a name like ‘Sharknado’, you…Eh, screw it. 

Sharks flying in tor-nayyyy-does, it’s Ser-E-us.

Graded upwards for high mockability quotient.  And come on…it takes a brave man not to give this an F-. (Yes, I know mockability isn’t a word.  I made it up.  It conveys meaning.  Therefore it is a legitimate symbol…which is what all letters are.  It’s called “being human”.  Some people need to try that sometime).

Inspirational Quote: “Just can’t sit back and watch this…”

Grade: D

Another decent Stephen King story turned into a cr@ppy horror flick.

Not NEARLY as bad when you’re just waiting for it to end so you can play ‘Killer Instinct’.

Most interesting feature:  An evil, possessed electric icebox.  ONE…and I can’t stress that enough…but ONE idea that Curly had that was perhaps not completely, totally cool.

(Insert electric icebox moment of clarity here)

Grade: F

4/23/16: It’s got a faint creepiness to it. I mean, the faint-creepiness-inducing scenes are so cheezy that they would be laughable if they weren’t so gross…but it IS there, nevertheless. Grade: D-

Christian Bale performs very well as an alternately boring/psychotic yuppie.  The boring is easy for Bale…and there’s a lot more boring than psychotic, so it’s pretty much his perfect role.

Why?  Because even for a sh1tty actor with very limited range, two emotions (apathetic and psychotic) are easy enough to get down.

There’s also a lot of meaningless drivel as Bale’s character descends further and further into insanity.  But he’s still pretty boring.

His fascination with 80’s music isn’t a great low-key setup for anything.  It’s just dull.  And he’s got sh1tty taste.

Grade: D

4/7/14: OK, OK…it’s not THAT bad.  I still have no use for Christian Bale as an actor in general, but as I said, this is his perfect role.  And his dullness IS funny at times, and there are some moments so ridiculous that they’re amusing and some juxtapositions (hey, mighty fancy word) that are interesting because they’re so different. 

Inspirational Quote: “Yes, it is!”

Grade: C-

It’s a laidback (monster) club setup where Vincent Price tells some non-monster guy 3 stories.  In between, there’s horrible club music numbers.  I mean, they really are both cheezy and annoying at the same time.

I used to really like this, when I was just an itsy bitsy teensy weensy little…schmeensy.

1: Sensitive, truly romantic monster gets seduced by a scheming human.  There’s very little horror here, but some thriller and decent drama. And a littttle bit of comedy.

2: Dull, boring mini-flick.  With an unfortunate helping of Donald Unpleasance.  Tiny twist at the end doesn’t save it.

3: Man gets trapped in a village of Ghoulish man-eaters.  Some interesting things happen, and the ending is good and kinda creepy.

Inspirational Speech: Vincent Price at the end.

Grade: D

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: C-

My GOD is this pretentious.  You don’t sit there and feel surprised/enlightened…just bored, really.

Points out all the “hidden messages” in the movie ‘The Shining’.

Watch ‘The Shining’ instead.  If you want conspiracy messages/random theories about it, look online.  Don’t waste 1:43 of your time here.

This documentary should have come out as French, with English subtitles.

Guest IQ: “[Kubrick] didn’t tell an audience what to think or how to think and if everyone came out thinking something differently that was fine with him. That said, I’m certain that he wouldn’t have wanted to listen to about 70, or maybe 80 percent [of Room 237]… Because it’s pure gibberish.” -Leon Vitali

Grade: F

Very mediocre and disappointing sci-fi action/drama with the feel of ‘Aliens’/’Sphere’.  Not very good at either, and not very good.  I stress “feel”…not quality, in any way.  Well, regarding ‘Aliens’, that is.

So if you wondered why it wasn’t a hit, that’s why.  It is NOT an overlooked gem.

Fav bits: Sam Neill getting a bit Trent-ish.

Inspirational Quote: “She’s ready to blow.”

Grade: D-

Oh, what lovely intro music.  Someone diddling on a synth.  I mean doodling…or diddling, whichever.

Wikipedia describes this as a cross between ‘Zombi 2’ and an Emmanuelle flick with cannibal action.

More the second, actually.  Without the porn bits.

5:36 – Anacanapooner…
5:38 – *knowingly* Aaaanacanapooner…
5:41 – *With a frustrated glare* AnacanaPOOner!
5:42 – Ohhh…

1:20:05-07 – HAIKIBA!

Inspirational Quote: “It was the most beautiful part of my life…I wouldn’t want to see those places again.”

Grade: F

Dreadful cheezy 80’s “horror” flick.

Sufficiently ridiculous and unscary to enjoy laughing at, on occasion.  But there are many better/worse things to laugh at.

Question: How can you, “once again”, “be together for all time”?

Well, I asked for it.  To paraphrase ‘I’ll Never Heil Again’:

“I want some new ideas of sh1t movies to review!”
“Ohhh, so you want some new ideas…”
“Yeah, give ’em to me now!”
“You got ’em- *SPLAT*”

59:08-21: SLEDGEHAMMER!

Grade: D-

Clumsily borrows the ignorantly-into-the-aftermath format from ’28 Days Later’, only with a bad leadup and maybe a minute of confusion before the inevitable sh1tty zombie flick part starts.  And it goes on from there until the end.

The female lead is the best of the lot, and she has some decent moments…but even she’s in way over her head, and without a script.

9:49 – Monty Python tryout

12:24 – (in the spirit) We do not know which stall door he/she/it is behind.  But we can soon find out.

Also, the woman around 16:30 whose intestines are being gnawed on by a zombie – isn’t she dead?  And if she’s not, why isn’t she doing much of anything?  And if she IS, why is she smiling and blinking?

Grade: F

A beautifully made movie about loss, pain, confusion/compassion, love, and redemption.

The music is appropriately sad but beautiful.

There’s an air of sadness and loss throughout the entire film that is understandable given both its subject matter and the ending twist.  It’s there, for me, as it was 14 years ago when I saw it the first time…when I DIDN’T know about the twist, not til the end.

Willis is good, Osment is great.  Shyamalan has never come close since in my limited experience.  The movie of his career, I’d say with virtual certainty, before his career is over.

VERY creepy, even after repeated viewings.

Quite touching in parts, especially as it gets closer to the end; sometimes sad and/or creepy at the same time.

There are a few lulls…but very few.  A great film.

And perhaps it’s because it reaches into some part of me, and some part of what was – but I can’t help but cry when Osment and his mother talk in the car, near the end.  It’s very comforting to know I can still do that, sometimes.  If you don’t understand that’s alright…this is for me.

Inspirational Quote: “They don’t have meetings about rainbows.”

Grade: A

4/16/14:  Instead of the joke I planned – which doesn’t fit here, or HERE, in my mind – I will just say that I think I knew I was using the same word multiple times but the REASON I didn’t alter that wasn’t because I couldn’t think of a synonym for “sad” or “beautiful”…I think, and hope as this to me is somewhat of a beautiful memory, that I used the words because they fit.  And I didn’t care if they echoed.  As with almost all my, or anyone’s, best work, there’s feeling in this.  Grade: A

11/12/16: Edited to remove spoiler, just in case. Grade: A

Five tales of “horror”.  It’s the sequel to ‘Tales From The Crypt’, and it’s pretty much the same except it’s not creepy at all, just cheezy and predictable.

It’s tolerable.  Also: you can make fun of it, you won’t be scared, and you can see The Doctor with a nasty looking beard and without his jelly babies.

Grade: D

First tale: About a murder and a guy in a Santa costume, remade (unnecessarily and worse) for the show.

Second tale: Interesting take on death perception.

Third tale: Horrific treatment makes a man commit suicide, and his corpse returns to his main tormentor in poetic fashion.

Fourth tale: Three wishes, used unwisely and twisted as usual.

Fifth tale: Nasty man takes over a home for the blind and treats them horribly, they turn the tables.

Somewhat cheezy, but they’re fairly interesting without being too gory, and they get better as they go along.

Grade: C+

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: B-

The story of a town that slowly becomes infected with something that turns people into psychotic, bloodthirsty lunatics.  Each in their own way, so it’s not a “zombie” or “infected” flick – they each have a somewhat unique personality, a different take on the psychosis.

The acting is good enough to make the extreme creepiness believable (therefore creepy) and it’s fairly well-written.  There’s also plenty of gore for people who want that.

Unfortunately it’s got about an hour’s worth of good horror movie and it stretches to 1:33.  Best in the beginning til it gets whittled down to 4 (the second time), then clever at the very end.

Grade: C+

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: B-

Once I realized this Japanese “zombie” (not really) flick was total horsesh1t, I tried to enjoy it as such…like many movies in the past, to one extent or another.

Unfortunately the almost complete lack of intelligence, even in coordinating the stupidity in a mockable pattern, made that very difficult.  With their best efforts, I laughed once, near the beginning.  Then I just waited for the d@mn thing to end…it peaked very early in both stupid and disgusting, and more of the same without anything new for almost an hour was just fcken DULL.

Unless you enjoy lots of a$$ shots, terrible dialogue, vomit, sh1t, farts, fake blood, incoherent plot twists, eyeballs captured in mid-flight, and double replays of a head crushed by buttcheeks, you can skip this.

It’s not, despite its best efforts, as amusing as a superior total-sh1t film: ‘Hobo’, ‘Nazis At The Center Of The Earth’, etc…

Why?  Because there’s almost no intelligence to it.  It’s just supremely weird disgustingness.  Asia seems to specialize in these, for some unknown reason.

To the country that was producing Samurai as opposed to sh1t films with regularity 300 years ago, some advice from one of your ancestors:

“It is said that what is called “the spirit of an age” is something to which one cannot return. That this spirit gradually dissipates is due to the world’s coming to an end. For this reason, although one would like to change today’s world back to the spirit of one hundred years or more ago, it cannot be done. Thus it is important to make the best out of every generation.”

Is this your best?

Inspirational Quote: “My balls!  You flattened them!”

Grade: F

This one tries to be clever and also epic.  It fails.

It’s got lots of REALLY dumb voiceovers, lots of REALLY dumb dialogue, a cr@ppy hero, and Danny Trejo for about 2 pages of dialogue/lots of mean faces.

The fact that it tries helps, if only to mock it – especially when the POWERFUL music kicks in to back up the failed attempts.  Oh, and when the TITLES pop onto the screen for each CHARACTER and sometimes INANIMATE OBJECTS.

Three menaces: zombies, chainsaw guy, bad CGI.

It made me laugh a few times, so I upped the grade.

Inspirational Quote: “It’s quiet here…it’s almost too quiet…”

Grade: D-

Some Irishmen/women must stay drunk to survive alien invasion.

This movie brought to you by ConLushCo, a subsidiary of The Booze Council.

Somewhat clever and fun, actually…mock-horror that’s fairly “believable.”  Sort of like a watery ‘Tremors’.

Inspirational Quote: “Youuuu…really are Irish.”

Grade: C-

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: C

Mostly this is two characters sharing dull dialogue from separate bathroom stalls.  You only get to see one of them, making it that much more interesting.  Very close to the end there are a few non-lavatory shots, but they’re just as meaningless and dull.

There’s also some zombies, but they’re more of a side attraction probably thrown in to get “zombie” in the movie description.

If you watch very carefully, you can see one woman caressing another woman’s ALMOST-BARE BACK in the beginning.

Grade: F

Ok, so there’s TWENTY-SIX directors here.  They each take a letter and make a short film based on a word beginning with said letter.

That means, each director is responsible for 1/26th of a movie.  Not even 5 minutes.  You’d think with that little responsibility there’d be some interesting ideas, because 1) It’s 26 times easier than making a full movie and 2) There’s 26 chances.

So it’s really sad how many times the ultra-mini-movies suck.

Here are the ones I found interesting:

D (Disturbing, but stick with it for the twist)
H (Very silly, but somewhat interesting)
Q (EASILY my favorite…makes the sh1t ones look that much dumber)
U (Undead point of view)
V (Sci-fi dystopian, interesting)

That’s 5 out of 26.

Some of the rest are so absurd that they’d finish below P.P. Pasolini’s ‘The Third Test Match’.

And of course there’s sh1tloads of credits.

Inspirational Quote: “So Stinky!”

Grade: D-

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: D

Opening: Darth Vader confronted by a furious Derek Vinyard.

After that, there’s the “intro” – more buyable than in part 1 and better acted but just as “who cares?” because the whole point is “pop in the tapes”.  And they do:

Movie 1: Guy gets an eye implant and then starts seeing people that shouldn’t be there.  That’s basically it until near the end, when a girl he’d seen before at the hospital comes to his door.  And some other stuff happens.  Paranormal-ish and kinda creepy, but derivative and unnecessary. 

Movie 2: Interesting…and Problematic.

It’s an inventive short zombie movie.  It’s very gory but it’s also well-made and well-acted.  The makeup and FX are convincing.  It’s intelligent and has a sense of timing (even though one bit is off, IMPO).  It explores zombie endurance, behavior and “relation” in somewhat-original fashion.  To paraphrase Roger Corby: “It even has a (dark and twisted) sense of humor.”

It also comes VERY close to (in my eyes) crossing the boundary between “tasteless” and “offensive” near the end, when I think to myself “No way…” when presented with two soon-to-be convergent scenes. 

The fact that I am reviewing it in depth (and positively) goes to show that a) In my opinion, it does not cross that line and b) it was well-made enough to make me FEEL, and THINK about that, and my review, with serious and somewhat disturbed emotions.

Only interesting bit after movie 2: waiting for the name of movie 2 in the credits after suffering through 3 and 4. It turns out to be ‘A Ride In The Park’, directed by Eduardo Sanchez and another old pro from ‘Blair Witch’.

So (hopefully) no new careers being jump-started here.

Basically I recommend you watch 2 and maybe the intro+1 if you don’t feel like skipping forward.

Grade: D+

Come on, this whole zombie/infected thing has just been done to death.

*rimshot*

I mean, where do they keep digging up these films?

*rimshot*

Besides, the whole zombie thing is just so year-in-the-past-after-which-they-ceased-to-be-relevant-and-fresh.

This particular terribly-everything one takes place in Cliche City.  You know, it’s that one after Redundancy Ridge, if you follow Stupid Street until the very end and then take a dull right onto Pec Pike, and then just make sure not to miss that left onto Derivative Drive.

Here’s a little bit I just ripped off Python:

And so the great powers of the world and the people of Shanklin, Isle of Wight, made zombie flicks.  They made them in Cairo, Bangkok, Cape Town, Buenos Aires, Harrow, Hammersmith, Stepney, Wandsworth and Enfield…but always they stunk.

Fav Bit: Female with a topknot worthy of the most ADORABLE kender.

Grade: F-

Weird as Hell, frozen over…MINNESOTA STYLE!

A film in which the Best Actress winner (Frances McDormand) doesn’t appear until there’s about an hour left in it. 

I’m not saying she isn’t good – only William H. Macy as the snivelling, incompetent crime-organizer is as impressive – just struck me kinda weird is all.

The story’s a simple crime drama with a lot of odd twists.  The reason it’s still simple despite having a lot of odd twists is that the odd twists have nothing to do with the crime drama.  They have nothing to do with anything.  They’re just THERE. 

Hell, forget “twists”…totally irrelevant SCENES, as pertains to the actual story.  No “alluding to” this or “establishing” that or “foreshadowing” this…they’re just THERE.  Like, hey, we wrote this scene…let’s throw it in.  The problem is, if you took all of them out you’d be left with…mmm, maybe 15-20 minutes of movie.

Basically, it’s mostly hollow and filled with sh1t.
(Sometimes)-Interesting sh1t, but sh1t nonetheless.  Hit it with a stick and it’ll burst open. You’ll laugh, you’ll gasp, you’ll eat it up, you’ll walk away and move on with your completely unaffected and unmoved life.

I guess you could admire the way the Coen Brothers took a 20 minute crime drama and lengthened it out to 90+ minutes with “yah”‘s and “you betcha”‘s and Tarantino Pulp-era-reject throwaways.  You COULD…I don’t, but you could. 

But why would you want to WATCH it?

Grade: C+

Starts off trying to hook you into caring with a two-pronged approach: decent acting in a naturally sympathy-inducing location (a rehab center) and showing, to the best of their ability, the limited cleavage of the lead actress.  You feel sorry for her or you stick around for more cleavage, I guess is the plan.

Quite effective, really…I went for both.  Plus the fact that I had to watch it because that’s…what I do.

Shortly after that there’s the all-important changing-for-a-photo-shoot scene, which allows them to say “nudity” (barely).

Between 19-22 minutes in it turns creepy and almost everything is explained, after which it ceases to be creepy.

Then you get the cr@ppy horror flick (with a few flashbacks that you don’t care about cuz either you realize it’s a sh1t film or cuz you never cared in the first place because you were just waiting for the sh1t film part to start).

It’s sort of like ‘Saw’, only much worse acted, dumber, and more pointless.  Actually it’s not all THAT much like ‘Saw’, I just wanted to point out that, since I didn’t really like ‘Saw’ all that much, this REALLY sucks.

Mainly for misogynists, sadists, and crusading antitheists as “acceptable evidence”.

Directed by Britt Napier, apparently to show that women can make pointless sh1t movies just as well as men.  Well done.

Movie actually ends at 1:10, then there’s sh1tloads of credits.  Upped a notch for the first 10 minutes or so being not-sh1tty.

This is the sort of completely worthless garbage that ‘Cabin In The Woods’ is (so compellingly) skewering.  Bravo, Joss.

Inspirational Quote: “I’m a dirty girl.”

Grade: F

A half-way decent horror flick that’s (at times) both creepy and campy.

Periods of tedium, and the camp grows as the creepiness lessens.  Or maybe the creepiness just lessens.  It seems to go on too long, like they had enough ideas for half a movie but needed to pad it out to a full one.

But it’s an ok watch if you like the genre. 

Features Ving Rhames, one kick-a$$ kid, and at least one HORRIBLE mask.

Inspirational Attack Move: Nose-pick

Grade: D+

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: C-

Hey, I didn’t know this til just now…it’s ‘The Search For Ash’.

So it’s instantly that much better, of course.

The standout actors to me are Ernie Hudson (in his 94-95 period of pretty cool serious acting bits) and some of the bit players (one from ‘The Fugitive’, one from you’ll-know-where, etc…).  And of course Amy.

The mains, beside Hudson, are…ok.  It’s a little too cliched in script, it’s a little too formulaic overall…but it has a moderate entertainment value if you like decent (if unremarkable), well-made action/adventure flicks. 

If only I could erase Mitchell.

Inspirational Quote: “Humans are dangerous.  Gorillas are very gentle.”

IQ2: *with disdain* “…you should shake this rat from off your neck.”

Grade: C+

9/8/18: “Am I startin’ that again?” Grade: C-

Some Troma flicks are watchable, because they’re…not good enough, but smart enough.  And doggone it, some people do like them.

This isn’t all that smart, even adjusting for sh1t, but I actually find it minorly enjoyable.

My favorite part was minorly enjoying it while waiting for it to end so I could review it, knowing there would be nothing to actually have to analyze. 

Oh, and every shot of Janelle Brady.  That pretty much got me through.

Inspirational Quote: “Hmm? Mmm? … Hmm?”

Grade: D

Lots of sh1tty music.  Because sh1tty bands have sh1tty standards when it comes to getting sh1tty plugs in sh1tty horror movies that aren’t scary.

Basically the only thing I got out of this movie is a nagging feeling that we aren’t doing enough to support stem cell research.

Inspirational Quote: “I’m going to be an ac-tress.”

Grade: F-

Wretched Italian zombie flick.  For mockery only. 

Particularly horrible are the script, the score, and creepy-boy.

Grade: F-

At the beginning, you may think to yourself – “This could be pretty good…creepy, maybe thriller-type interesting”. 

It could.  But it isn’t.

Like most cr@ppy NetFlix streaming horror movies you’d never heard of before, the reason why is because it’s not very good at all and so noone watched it, or if they did they didn’t tell anyone else.  Or if they did, they told them it sucked.

It’s professional-grade, I’ll say that for it.  No ridiculously gross awfulness.

But the opening faint promise becomes more and more disappointing as it just meanders around, going nowhere interesting until the very end.

The philosophical/spiritual attempts are half-hearted, as is the “romance”, and both seem to serve only to (like love) pad the film.

I mean, she basks in the obvious afterglow with her bra still on?

Comes with lots of unwarranted VERY SCARY music, and cadaver-fishing.

9/12/13: Guest Review by Mr. Eric Praline, addressing the director (and being disturbing) – “It’s people like you what causes unrest!”

Inspirational Quote: “I got a head!”

Grade: F