Category: Movie/Long Subject Reviews

Clumsily borrows the ignorantly-into-the-aftermath format from ’28 Days Later’, only with a bad leadup and maybe a minute of confusion before the inevitable sh1tty zombie flick part starts.  And it goes on from there until the end.

The female lead is the best of the lot, and she has some decent moments…but even she’s in way over her head, and without a script.

9:49 – Monty Python tryout

12:24 – (in the spirit) We do not know which stall door he/she/it is behind.  But we can soon find out.

Also, the woman around 16:30 whose intestines are being gnawed on by a zombie – isn’t she dead?  And if she’s not, why isn’t she doing much of anything?  And if she IS, why is she smiling and blinking?

Grade: F

A beautifully made movie about loss, pain, confusion/compassion, love, and redemption.

The music is appropriately sad but beautiful.

There’s an air of sadness and loss throughout the entire film that is understandable given both its subject matter and the ending twist.  It’s there, for me, as it was 14 years ago when I saw it the first time…when I DIDN’T know about the twist, not til the end.

Willis is good, Osment is great.  Shyamalan has never come close since in my limited experience.  The movie of his career, I’d say with virtual certainty, before his career is over.

VERY creepy, even after repeated viewings.

Quite touching in parts, especially as it gets closer to the end; sometimes sad and/or creepy at the same time.

There are a few lulls…but very few.  A great film.

And perhaps it’s because it reaches into some part of me, and some part of what was – but I can’t help but cry when Osment and his mother talk in the car, near the end.  It’s very comforting to know I can still do that, sometimes.  If you don’t understand that’s alright…this is for me.

Inspirational Quote: “They don’t have meetings about rainbows.”

Grade: A

4/16/14:  Instead of the joke I planned – which doesn’t fit here, or HERE, in my mind – I will just say that I think I knew I was using the same word multiple times but the REASON I didn’t alter that wasn’t because I couldn’t think of a synonym for “sad” or “beautiful”…I think, and hope as this to me is somewhat of a beautiful memory, that I used the words because they fit.  And I didn’t care if they echoed.  As with almost all my, or anyone’s, best work, there’s feeling in this.  Grade: A

11/12/16: Edited to remove spoiler, just in case. Grade: A

Five tales of “horror”.  It’s the sequel to ‘Tales From The Crypt’, and it’s pretty much the same except it’s not creepy at all, just cheezy and predictable.

It’s tolerable.  Also: you can make fun of it, you won’t be scared, and you can see The Doctor with a nasty looking beard and without his jelly babies.

Grade: D

First tale: About a murder and a guy in a Santa costume, remade (unnecessarily and worse) for the show.

Second tale: Interesting take on death perception.

Third tale: Horrific treatment makes a man commit suicide, and his corpse returns to his main tormentor in poetic fashion.

Fourth tale: Three wishes, used unwisely and twisted as usual.

Fifth tale: Nasty man takes over a home for the blind and treats them horribly, they turn the tables.

Somewhat cheezy, but they’re fairly interesting without being too gory, and they get better as they go along.

Grade: C+

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: B-

The story of a town that slowly becomes infected with something that turns people into psychotic, bloodthirsty lunatics.  Each in their own way, so it’s not a “zombie” or “infected” flick – they each have a somewhat unique personality, a different take on the psychosis.

The acting is good enough to make the extreme creepiness believable (therefore creepy) and it’s fairly well-written.  There’s also plenty of gore for people who want that.

Unfortunately it’s got about an hour’s worth of good horror movie and it stretches to 1:33.  Best in the beginning til it gets whittled down to 4 (the second time), then clever at the very end.

Grade: C+

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: B-

Once I realized this Japanese “zombie” (not really) flick was total horsesh1t, I tried to enjoy it as such…like many movies in the past, to one extent or another.

Unfortunately the almost complete lack of intelligence, even in coordinating the stupidity in a mockable pattern, made that very difficult.  With their best efforts, I laughed once, near the beginning.  Then I just waited for the d@mn thing to end…it peaked very early in both stupid and disgusting, and more of the same without anything new for almost an hour was just fcken DULL.

Unless you enjoy lots of a$$ shots, terrible dialogue, vomit, sh1t, farts, fake blood, incoherent plot twists, eyeballs captured in mid-flight, and double replays of a head crushed by buttcheeks, you can skip this.

It’s not, despite its best efforts, as amusing as a superior total-sh1t film: ‘Hobo’, ‘Nazis At The Center Of The Earth’, etc…

Why?  Because there’s almost no intelligence to it.  It’s just supremely weird disgustingness.  Asia seems to specialize in these, for some unknown reason.

To the country that was producing Samurai as opposed to sh1t films with regularity 300 years ago, some advice from one of your ancestors:

“It is said that what is called “the spirit of an age” is something to which one cannot return. That this spirit gradually dissipates is due to the world’s coming to an end. For this reason, although one would like to change today’s world back to the spirit of one hundred years or more ago, it cannot be done. Thus it is important to make the best out of every generation.”

Is this your best?

Inspirational Quote: “My balls!  You flattened them!”

Grade: F

This one tries to be clever and also epic.  It fails.

It’s got lots of REALLY dumb voiceovers, lots of REALLY dumb dialogue, a cr@ppy hero, and Danny Trejo for about 2 pages of dialogue/lots of mean faces.

The fact that it tries helps, if only to mock it – especially when the POWERFUL music kicks in to back up the failed attempts.  Oh, and when the TITLES pop onto the screen for each CHARACTER and sometimes INANIMATE OBJECTS.

Three menaces: zombies, chainsaw guy, bad CGI.

It made me laugh a few times, so I upped the grade.

Inspirational Quote: “It’s quiet here…it’s almost too quiet…”

Grade: D-

Some Irishmen/women must stay drunk to survive alien invasion.

This movie brought to you by ConLushCo, a subsidiary of The Booze Council.

Somewhat clever and fun, actually…mock-horror that’s fairly “believable.”  Sort of like a watery ‘Tremors’.

Inspirational Quote: “Youuuu…really are Irish.”

Grade: C-

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: C

Mostly this is two characters sharing dull dialogue from separate bathroom stalls.  You only get to see one of them, making it that much more interesting.  Very close to the end there are a few non-lavatory shots, but they’re just as meaningless and dull.

There’s also some zombies, but they’re more of a side attraction probably thrown in to get “zombie” in the movie description.

If you watch very carefully, you can see one woman caressing another woman’s ALMOST-BARE BACK in the beginning.

Grade: F

Ok, so there’s TWENTY-SIX directors here.  They each take a letter and make a short film based on a word beginning with said letter.

That means, each director is responsible for 1/26th of a movie.  Not even 5 minutes.  You’d think with that little responsibility there’d be some interesting ideas, because 1) It’s 26 times easier than making a full movie and 2) There’s 26 chances.

So it’s really sad how many times the ultra-mini-movies suck.

Here are the ones I found interesting:

D (Disturbing, but stick with it for the twist)
H (Very silly, but somewhat interesting)
Q (EASILY my favorite…makes the sh1t ones look that much dumber)
U (Undead point of view)
V (Sci-fi dystopian, interesting)

That’s 5 out of 26.

Some of the rest are so absurd that they’d finish below P.P. Pasolini’s ‘The Third Test Match’.

And of course there’s sh1tloads of credits.

Inspirational Quote: “So Stinky!”

Grade: D-

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: D

Opening: Darth Vader confronted by a furious Derek Vinyard.

After that, there’s the “intro” – more buyable than in part 1 and better acted but just as “who cares?” because the whole point is “pop in the tapes”.  And they do:

Movie 1: Guy gets an eye implant and then starts seeing people that shouldn’t be there.  That’s basically it until near the end, when a girl he’d seen before at the hospital comes to his door.  And some other stuff happens.  Paranormal-ish and kinda creepy, but derivative and unnecessary. 

Movie 2: Interesting…and Problematic.

It’s an inventive short zombie movie.  It’s very gory but it’s also well-made and well-acted.  The makeup and FX are convincing.  It’s intelligent and has a sense of timing (even though one bit is off, IMPO).  It explores zombie endurance, behavior and “relation” in somewhat-original fashion.  To paraphrase Roger Corby: “It even has a (dark and twisted) sense of humor.”

It also comes VERY close to (in my eyes) crossing the boundary between “tasteless” and “offensive” near the end, when I think to myself “No way…” when presented with two soon-to-be convergent scenes. 

The fact that I am reviewing it in depth (and positively) goes to show that a) In my opinion, it does not cross that line and b) it was well-made enough to make me FEEL, and THINK about that, and my review, with serious and somewhat disturbed emotions.

Only interesting bit after movie 2: waiting for the name of movie 2 in the credits after suffering through 3 and 4. It turns out to be ‘A Ride In The Park’, directed by Eduardo Sanchez and another old pro from ‘Blair Witch’.

So (hopefully) no new careers being jump-started here.

Basically I recommend you watch 2 and maybe the intro+1 if you don’t feel like skipping forward.

Grade: D+

Come on, this whole zombie/infected thing has just been done to death.

*rimshot*

I mean, where do they keep digging up these films?

*rimshot*

Besides, the whole zombie thing is just so year-in-the-past-after-which-they-ceased-to-be-relevant-and-fresh.

This particular terribly-everything one takes place in Cliche City.  You know, it’s that one after Redundancy Ridge, if you follow Stupid Street until the very end and then take a dull right onto Pec Pike, and then just make sure not to miss that left onto Derivative Drive.

Here’s a little bit I just ripped off Python:

And so the great powers of the world and the people of Shanklin, Isle of Wight, made zombie flicks.  They made them in Cairo, Bangkok, Cape Town, Buenos Aires, Harrow, Hammersmith, Stepney, Wandsworth and Enfield…but always they stunk.

Fav Bit: Female with a topknot worthy of the most ADORABLE kender.

Grade: F-

Weird as Hell, frozen over…MINNESOTA STYLE!

A film in which the Best Actress winner (Frances McDormand) doesn’t appear until there’s about an hour left in it. 

I’m not saying she isn’t good – only William H. Macy as the snivelling, incompetent crime-organizer is as impressive – just struck me kinda weird is all.

The story’s a simple crime drama with a lot of odd twists.  The reason it’s still simple despite having a lot of odd twists is that the odd twists have nothing to do with the crime drama.  They have nothing to do with anything.  They’re just THERE. 

Hell, forget “twists”…totally irrelevant SCENES, as pertains to the actual story.  No “alluding to” this or “establishing” that or “foreshadowing” this…they’re just THERE.  Like, hey, we wrote this scene…let’s throw it in.  The problem is, if you took all of them out you’d be left with…mmm, maybe 15-20 minutes of movie.

Basically, it’s mostly hollow and filled with sh1t.
(Sometimes)-Interesting sh1t, but sh1t nonetheless.  Hit it with a stick and it’ll burst open. You’ll laugh, you’ll gasp, you’ll eat it up, you’ll walk away and move on with your completely unaffected and unmoved life.

I guess you could admire the way the Coen Brothers took a 20 minute crime drama and lengthened it out to 90+ minutes with “yah”‘s and “you betcha”‘s and Tarantino Pulp-era-reject throwaways.  You COULD…I don’t, but you could. 

But why would you want to WATCH it?

Grade: C+

Starts off trying to hook you into caring with a two-pronged approach: decent acting in a naturally sympathy-inducing location (a rehab center) and showing, to the best of their ability, the limited cleavage of the lead actress.  You feel sorry for her or you stick around for more cleavage, I guess is the plan.

Quite effective, really…I went for both.  Plus the fact that I had to watch it because that’s…what I do.

Shortly after that there’s the all-important changing-for-a-photo-shoot scene, which allows them to say “nudity” (barely).

Between 19-22 minutes in it turns creepy and almost everything is explained, after which it ceases to be creepy.

Then you get the cr@ppy horror flick (with a few flashbacks that you don’t care about cuz either you realize it’s a sh1t film or cuz you never cared in the first place because you were just waiting for the sh1t film part to start).

It’s sort of like ‘Saw’, only much worse acted, dumber, and more pointless.  Actually it’s not all THAT much like ‘Saw’, I just wanted to point out that, since I didn’t really like ‘Saw’ all that much, this REALLY sucks.

Mainly for misogynists, sadists, and crusading antitheists as “acceptable evidence”.

Directed by Britt Napier, apparently to show that women can make pointless sh1t movies just as well as men.  Well done.

Movie actually ends at 1:10, then there’s sh1tloads of credits.  Upped a notch for the first 10 minutes or so being not-sh1tty.

This is the sort of completely worthless garbage that ‘Cabin In The Woods’ is (so compellingly) skewering.  Bravo, Joss.

Inspirational Quote: “I’m a dirty girl.”

Grade: F

A half-way decent horror flick that’s (at times) both creepy and campy.

Periods of tedium, and the camp grows as the creepiness lessens.  Or maybe the creepiness just lessens.  It seems to go on too long, like they had enough ideas for half a movie but needed to pad it out to a full one.

But it’s an ok watch if you like the genre. 

Features Ving Rhames, one kick-a$$ kid, and at least one HORRIBLE mask.

Inspirational Attack Move: Nose-pick

Grade: D+

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: C-

Hey, I didn’t know this til just now…it’s ‘The Search For Ash’.

So it’s instantly that much better, of course.

The standout actors to me are Ernie Hudson (in his 94-95 period of pretty cool serious acting bits) and some of the bit players (one from ‘The Fugitive’, one from you’ll-know-where, etc…).  And of course Amy.

The mains, beside Hudson, are…ok.  It’s a little too cliched in script, it’s a little too formulaic overall…but it has a moderate entertainment value if you like decent (if unremarkable), well-made action/adventure flicks. 

If only I could erase Mitchell.

Inspirational Quote: “Humans are dangerous.  Gorillas are very gentle.”

IQ2: *with disdain* “…you should shake this rat from off your neck.”

Grade: C+

9/8/18: “Am I startin’ that again?” Grade: C-

Some Troma flicks are watchable, because they’re…not good enough, but smart enough.  And doggone it, some people do like them.

This isn’t all that smart, even adjusting for sh1t, but I actually find it minorly enjoyable.

My favorite part was minorly enjoying it while waiting for it to end so I could review it, knowing there would be nothing to actually have to analyze. 

Oh, and every shot of Janelle Brady.  That pretty much got me through.

Inspirational Quote: “Hmm? Mmm? … Hmm?”

Grade: D

Lots of sh1tty music.  Because sh1tty bands have sh1tty standards when it comes to getting sh1tty plugs in sh1tty horror movies that aren’t scary.

Basically the only thing I got out of this movie is a nagging feeling that we aren’t doing enough to support stem cell research.

Inspirational Quote: “I’m going to be an ac-tress.”

Grade: F-

Wretched Italian zombie flick.  For mockery only. 

Particularly horrible are the script, the score, and creepy-boy.

Grade: F-

At the beginning, you may think to yourself – “This could be pretty good…creepy, maybe thriller-type interesting”. 

It could.  But it isn’t.

Like most cr@ppy NetFlix streaming horror movies you’d never heard of before, the reason why is because it’s not very good at all and so noone watched it, or if they did they didn’t tell anyone else.  Or if they did, they told them it sucked.

It’s professional-grade, I’ll say that for it.  No ridiculously gross awfulness.

But the opening faint promise becomes more and more disappointing as it just meanders around, going nowhere interesting until the very end.

The philosophical/spiritual attempts are half-hearted, as is the “romance”, and both seem to serve only to (like love) pad the film.

I mean, she basks in the obvious afterglow with her bra still on?

Comes with lots of unwarranted VERY SCARY music, and cadaver-fishing.

9/12/13: Guest Review by Mr. Eric Praline, addressing the director (and being disturbing) – “It’s people like you what causes unrest!”

Inspirational Quote: “I got a head!”

Grade: F

Documentary-format movie about British men slowly turning into “zombies” via some unknown disease.

Centers on one man (Harold) and a woman that takes care of him.  She looks a bit like a young Dawn French, if that holds any interest for you.

I can’t call it moving or funny or scary, because every time it seems to be edging towards one of those it just moves back to slow and deliberate.  Not boring, just slowly moving along, going nowhere in particular, in no hurry – sort of like the disease itself.

It’s a bit frustrating, actually, because it’s fairly clever and never embarrassing, but it just never seems to even TRY to go anywhere beyond its initial borders.  It’s like watching a slow-moving stream and wondering when it’s going to overflow or change direction.  Certainly not unpleasant, but if you’re expecting anything else, somewhat disappointing.

Very few players, very little “action”.  Weird…and by far the most tranquil zombie movie I’ve ever seen.

Grade: C-

Cheezy, dumb ripoff of the then-popularity of Romero’s ‘Dawn’. 

Quick intro scene lifted right from the middle of ‘Dawn’.  Why?  SELL SELL SELL!  (Ironic, no?)

If you like gore you might (mildly) enjoy cackling and/or laughing at this, depending on your tastes and your tolerance for cheeze and bad FX.

I need decent acting, a decent script, believable characters…SOMETHING else besides gore to make a zombie flick watchable.  Unless it’s UTTERLY horrid…and this doesn’t QUITE achieve that.

With the cheeziness and background music, it’s sort of like watching a 70’s porn flick, without the porn.  It’s even got a guy that was in one of the ‘Emanuelle’ movies.  Not to be confused with the ‘Emmanuelle’ movies.

The “exciting” scenes often have a Michael-Palin-from-MPFC’s-‘jungle explorers find a nice place to eat and then bad stuff happens’ sketch, near the end – before it’s deemed not suitable for family viewing.

“Do you know much, about voodoo?  It’s a fascinating practice…” Yeah well you wouldn’t know it from this, Loki.

Upped a notch so I don’t have to worry about which title to put on my F list.  And because it reminds me of ‘Dawn’.  And 70’s porn.

Grade: D-

It’s a good sign at the beginning when something deadpan happens and it’s played just right.  Not ignored, but not POINTED OUT, like “wasn’t THAT clever???”.

Acting is tolerable, fx are cheezy, music is pretty decent.  The weakness of the script becomes more of an issue as things get more complex.

I kind of went back and forth between bemoaning its stupid cheeziness and waiting to become enthralled by its near-fascinating gothiness.  I doubt many will find the second winning in their hearts/minds, but, as with ‘Lo’, it’s completely possible some people will adore it and others will think it’s a load of sh1t.  Me, I’m somewhere in the middle, but it doesn’t grab me the way ‘Lo’ did, so leaning more towards the latter.

You’ll only find it funny if you hate it, and you won’t find it scary either way.  The best to hope for is rapt fascination…which I could understand.  None of that HERE, but to each their own.

If it was better written and better acted I might call it moving.  As it is let’s call it (mildly) interesting. (Re: JJ – RC, DH ‘ICSS’)

For living/undead romance, I’ll take ROTLD Part 3.

Grade: D+

Once again Jeff Goldblum plays the coolest character in a cheezy, dated-upon-release but still somewhat fun quasi-epic sci-fi-ish adventure flick.  Only this one is more cheezy.  And a little too long.

But it does have Will Smith, which sort of offsets that.  Sort of.

Inspirational Quote: “Excuse me…Mister President…that’s…not, ENTIRELY accurate.”

Grade: D

Cr@ppy attempted sci-fi/non-scary horror preceded by cr@ppy attempted drama.  And liberally interspersed with it.

OR: The rants of a crazy old woman.

You can watch it if you want something to make fun of that safely promises never to interest, scare, or emotionally involve.  There are VERY brief flashes of competence, and sound failure. 

Should you choose to watch it, there is a point where a flashback occurs as an explanation of a semi-revelation.  You might, like me, wonder to yourself: “Why didn’t I notice that when it happened?”  The answer, I think, is “Because it wasn’t any dumber than the rest of the movie so I chalked it up to sh1tty writing.”  The advantage, I suppose, of being horrible – you can disguise plot points with layer upon layer of stupidity until the viewer just doesn’t care anymore.

Featuring a sliding-door walk-in police department.

Alternate Title: ‘Invasion Of The Mouth-To-Mouth Flattened Mutant Corndogs’

Grade: F-

The problem with most of these zombie-type movies is that the innate creepiness of WALKING DEAD PEOPLE tends to be negated by the fact that you can’t for a moment suspend your disbelief, because of the extreme awfulness of the acting/script/production values.

Twist:  Lots of trees around.

Oh, and evidently the occasionally drunk camera operator makes a set shambling pattern unnecessary.

Favorite character: “Stunt Coordinator”

Grade: F

A relatively (given most) well-made “zombie” type movie.  It’s got a budget and everything.

FX (when they appear, which is rarely) are decent, and this has the look and feel of a real movie.

But it’s more a drama than a thriller/horror film, and it’s pretty tepid on both counts, despite the valiant attempts of whoever scored it. 

Tolerable, but completely non-essential.

Grade: D

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: D+

Oh God.  Another found footage movie.  Spoiler: It’s NOT REAL.

Actually, I think it’s an anti-seafood movie produced by the cattle industry.  Or rogue chickens of yesterday.

Acting/Dialogue: tolerable (only if you like thrills/chills, see below)

Icky makeup/FX: pretty darn icky

Thrills/Chills: a few, mostly near the end.  If you like that sort of thing, slog through the intro cr@p.  Just make sure you’re not afraid of sudden switches in volume level.

Pro-ecology message: Good.

Really tight pants on female reporter: GREAT!

Ends around 1:19:20, then sh1tloads of credits.

Grade: C-

Starts out surprisingly decent, as if it might actually be leading up to something interesting.  Then after about 15-20 minutes it just gets dull.

Not a horror movie…more a drama/wanna-be-thriller.

The very ending’s a little twisted if you wanna fast-forward to that.  Otherwise you can safely skip it.

Grade: D-

Terrible zombie flick with a down-home relaxed southern feel. 

Mr. Blonde has gone from menacing to fat, wrinkly, and pathetic.

I mean, I’m fat and wrinkly.  But at least I didn’t star in this.

I also spotted a guy that was decent in ‘The Rock’ about 20 years ago.

Even if you just want gore, there are much better options.

I have a theory: the main reason anyone agreed to appear in this movie (except the ‘Rock’ guy) is NOT the money.  It’s so they could put on their resume “I was in a movie with Michael Madsen”.

I was GOING to give this an F- right til the end, when I realized it could be interesting to watch to make fun of.  But only barely.  So I upped it.

48:10 – Ah, brilliant ‘Reservoir Dogs’ rip.  Door instead of cigarette.
48:32 – ‘Rock’ guy realizes he’s in this movie.

Epilogue: I’d rather the log remained hairy.  Also, during the second string of end credits, does the guy really say “high fever of the t1tty?”

Grade: F

A sh1t horror film that features zombies (well, sort of) near the end.

Sub-Corman-esque in its pandering: misogynists in the beginning, desperate gore fiends around 55 minutes in.  Briefly.

But most importantly fans of badly-acted, horribly-written sh1t all the way through.

Features the worst police office set ever very partially constructed.

30:45- CUT! Ok, now the zombie movie…umm…well, about 25 mins later actually.
31:41- Gordy NO!!!

Inspirational Quote: “Here…have a cookie.”

Grade: F-

This is NOT a zombie movie. 

It took me at least two (maybe three) tries to watch this.  I searched for “zombie” on Netflix and then looked at ALL (and boy are there a lot, some of them very sad) of the results.  This actually stuck out to me and I moved it to the top of my queue because it didn’t sound familiar and I thought it MIGHT actually be decent.  But when I was asked if I wanted to “Resume” viewing, I sensed danger.  Even with absolutely nothing better to do and a review waiting, it took quite a bit of will to force myself to actually watch the WHOLE D@MN THING.

It’s a student-film level attempt at moviemaking, which happens to revolve vaguely around the zombie concept.  Sort of like ‘My Sucky Teen Romance’ and vampires, only not as good.

I think the male lead sums up Blake Reigle’s confusion over what could make this movie interesting: “Drugs, sex, murder, pills?…nothing??”

Grade: F-

This is supposed to be witty and funny.  Well, you can laugh AT it, for as long as you can stand the boredom of watching it.

Despite its best efforts it reaches funny only once, at around the 40-41 minute mark.  Well, I did chuckle faintly around 1:21…thus the relatively high grade.

“The director’s cut of this sci-fi comedy is a Netflix exclusive.”

Oh, Netflix streaming, you get all the best movies!

And hey, don’t miss the seven minutes of credits at the end.

Inspirational Quote: “So…you are a formerly dead black model who is now suddenly a living white hobo after spending a weekend on the moon.  Is that correct?”

Grade: D-

Poorly acted, LONG, DULL mishmash of zombie/infected stuff you’ve seen before and/or don’t need to see.

Grade: F

Really horrible.

“Chilling” intro, then cut to pleasant somewhat-funky music over the credits.

It’s got a tag-team “grenade” toss and a few cr@ppy zombie scenes.  And dullness.

Advice to guy being killed by zombies: Stop sticking your hand straight up in the hair and moving it around shakily, and instead use it to swat at one of the zombies.

It’s all worth it for the profound ending, of course.

Inspirational Quote: “That’d be swell!”

Grade: F-

Cr@ppy war movie with unconvincing drama and lots of fast, angry “zombies”.

Source of zombies: “Anti-death experiments”. 

Hey, I’ve got an idea for an anti-death experiment: DON’T FCKEN KILL PEOPLE.

Opening walking scene: Is that people being tortured or just heavy industrial?

Grade: D-

Killer rats with the psychic ability to shake cages and anticipate phone calls.

Oh, and one of them eventually turns into a remarkably human-sized rat.  Convenient for the costume guy.

Bad acting, no budget, no horror, red rat-cam, and lots of rat footage.

The “scary” scenes are only scary if quick cuts, stock rat footage, really fake blood and/or people holding rats/fake rats against themselves while also pretending to fight them off scare you.  Think of the dynamite rabbit in ‘Holy Grail’, but not quite as scary.

The second plotline consists of freeway footage and bad acting, until it merges with the first after absolutely nothing happens in terms of interest or character development.  Oh…you do find out that one of the young ladies enjoys wearing a persistently high out-of-jeans thong.  That’s her “thing”.

And the others try/pretend to have “things” too.  And perform lots of dramatic…pauses.

What made someone write this movie?  Head dents.
If you were a car, what would watching this movie be like to you?  Road dents.
And so on, and so on…

Unbelievably brief breast shot of thong-lady.  Then the worst porno music (without porno) I’ve heard since the 70’s (including me going “Boom-Chikka WAH WAH!”), leading me to this:

Inspirational Quote: “There’s so many nooks and crannies…”

IQ2: “UH…Oh, uh…UH!…UH…OH…oh…uhh, oh…uh…uh…oh…”

Grade: F-

An OK movie made better by nostalgia and utterly overrated (like the rest) by a rabid fanbase.

Better than the second, not as good as the first.

To put this in perspective, here’s a realistic appraisal: Not QUITE as good as ‘Clash Of The Titans’.

Grade: C+

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Despite being cheezy, it’s too fun (in the “entertaining” sense) to not be a wee bit higher. Grade: B-

Very dark compared to part one (or four, who cares?) and not as good.  More cheezy, less charming.

And more boring.  A necessary middle.

Fav. New Observation: Hey, that rebel commander sure looks like he could use a Waldorf Salad.

Inspirational Exchange:
*Luke* “I don’t believe it.”
*Yoda* “That is why you fail.”

Grade: C-

In the spirit of alienating what little sci-fi/RPG fanbase I have, BUT in strict adherence to critical integrity, here goes.

Star Trek’s better.

I do like this, to a certain extent.  I saw it when it first came out, at an age when it seemed like the most amazing and absolutely epic thing possible.  Obviously it’s not nearly as enthralling now as when I was a tot, but I still enjoy it, and not (just) as nostalgia.

I love the somewhat Buddhist one-ness of “The Force”, the Butterfly Effect quote “Hold your fire.  There are no life forms aboard”, and the (still, fairly) fun escapism.

Negatives: Vastly overrated, obviously dated, too cheezy, Mark Hamill.

Inspirational Quote: “We meet again at last.”

IQ2: “I find your lack of faith disturbing…”

Grade: B-

5/24/16: Hmmm. “Alienating”. That’s not bad. Grade: B-

Don’t tease me, title.

Ummm…’Mad Alice, Beyond UmbrellaDome’?

Umbrella Corp has learned from their mistakes (and, quite obviously though not very well, ‘Day Of The Dead’ and ‘The Birds’), and could no doubt repeat them exactly.

Only 94 minutes but seems MUCH longer.

That these movies made Jovovich a Comic-Con idol is undeniable empirical evidence that not all geeks/nerds/dorks are smart.  Some of them are just plain fcken stupid.

Let me up, I’ve had enough.

Grade: F-

Umbrella Corp, a subsidiary of ConHugeCo, presents:

Lots of action (w/ sloooooo mooooooooo) and precious little else.

I mean, really, why not just play the video game at this point?  Acting can’t be any worse.  Nor can the story.  And the visuals are probably better.  And you have a tiny vested interest in giving a sh1t.

Grade: F

Why did I get in on this so late?  I’ve found that video games turned into movies tend to suck.

But this is zombie/rage-ish related, so I thought I’d give it a whirl.  Also, a certain fondness for Milla Jovovich played into my decision.  She did play one of my heroes, after all.

Conclusion: Interesting premise that far too often devolves into dumb zombie/infected/video game quality gore sh1t.  And this movie’s Vasquez copy isn’t nearly as cool.

Grade: D

5/28/13: I actually watched the first three, painful though it was.  I thought I needed to show the very minor movement from movie to movie.  But I started off at the wrong point.  Grade: D-

One of my (two) favorite Mel Brooks films.  Why is that not saying much?

Because it has plenty of dull, failed jokes…just like every Mel Brooks film.  On only two occasions do the good ones (and there are definitely some good ones here) generally outweigh the bad ones.  And even here (and there, probably…need to watch it again) parts are still so dull and predictable that it’s a fairly close call.

I give a little of the credit for saving it to Gene Wilder, who helped write it and who acts brilliantly in it.

I give a little of the blame to Brooks’ Madeline Kahn fixation, which makes the ending fairly dull.  And the rest to the often painfully predictable nature of Brooks’ humor, which he manages to overcome…barely.

Inspirational Quote: “Abby someone.”

Grade: B-

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. I think this is the first one I’m actually LOWERING the grade on. Grade: C+

A quite cerebral look at some (mainly two) scientists and their attempts at discovery.

Focuses on their passions, motivations, and personalities as well as their methods and what they actually do: make a time machine.

This started off fairly interesting, and by half an hour in I had moved well past “Am I going to like this?” to “Just HOW good is this going to get, and for how long will it stay there?”.

I understand very little of the terminology and theory…just trying to wrap my mind around all of it completely makes my brain hurt.  But I understand enough, here and there, at a certain level, to have it seem “genuine”.  Since this is a sci-fi drama, that is key.

Odd, original, minimalist, and very interesting.

Grade: B+

For those of you who haven’t seen this, but have heard about it by fans of it and/or Peter Jackson, let me say this first: it sucks.

If you go in with that in mind, and are cool with it (like me), and with MASSIVE amounts of gore and camp, then enjoy!

Inspirational Quote: “Does THIS look like a well-maintained frontage??”

Grade: B-

A really dumb lump of sh1t.

Great if you wanna see a young(er) Angelina Jolie in tight black and sweaty.

Oh, and she takes an apparently AMAZING shower…hairflip…ahhhhhh…

No nudity.

And hey, don’t get me wrong…I’m not making fun of Jolie here.  She probably laughed when she read the script, then said “ok” because she knew it’d be the easiest movie she ever did (minimal dialogue, minimal acting, lots of stunt double) and if people were stupid enough to see it anyway, that’s their problem.  I actually saw this when it first came out…well played, Angie.

Suggested sorority-ish parody for this movie’s target audience:

‘Lara Croft: The College Years – Panty Raid Her’

Grade: F

Delightfully galoomy.

Ah…what might have been.

Especially Huston and Julia, who are both remarkably elegant and have brilliant chemistry.

The rest…not as much.  But those two are enough, along with some clever sight/wordplay gags, to make this, the first (and ONLY this, the first), worth watching.

P.S.
(Puppy) Hey soundtrack/score…you sound pretty good to me.
(Soundtrack/Score) “If I only didn’t have a Hammer.”
(Puppy) I hear ya.

Inspirational Quote: “You frightened me.” *Dramatic Pause* “Do it again.”

Grade: B-

(Puppy was impressed)

I’m impressed.

(But how to convey that…)

But how to convey that…

The first 35-40 minutes I’m thinking: It doesn’t take itself seriously and it’s kinda clever/”cool”/witty in a somewhat predictable sense.  Yup, Joss Whedon. 

A dark comedy that is all polish and expertise but not quite enough inspiration – Whedon can pump out stuff like this in his sleep.  Pick a genre, pick a setting…

Then it really gets good.

A little (vastly-improved) ‘Evil Dead’, a little ‘Truman Show’, a little pathos, a little “So Much For Pathos…”, a little RACE AGAINST TIME action mockery, a LOT of horror-movie mockery, some horror-AUDIENCE mockery…even some specialized Asian Horror+AdorableAnimeCuteness mockery!

And, my favorite, Cthulhu-esque mythos mockery featuring Whedon’s idea of the final guardian.

Great makeup, really good FX, great timing, and…and this is the KEY part…it still retains the Whedon-esque nature that was the first 35-40 minutes.

It’s gory…but it’s not a horror movie.  FAR too tongue-in-cheek for that.

Inspirational Quote: “He’s got a husband bulge.”

Grade: B+

9/27/13: I have to.  I just HAVE to.  I mean, when the worst thing you can say about a movie is that one of the brief mythicals is out-of-character, that’s something.  And if those aren’t the twins I saw, they’re close enough.  Grade: A-

The stylish, smooth, better-written, polished-to-a-gleaming-shine second draft of ‘Reservoir Dogs’.

What is it about?  Watches up a$$es, gimps, bandaids, glow, random rants/comments, visible L7’s.

In other words, nothing.  But it’s pretty d@mn fun to watch.  Except “the date”, which is tedious.

Standouts: Willis, Keitel, The Ending.

Recommended Afterwards: Norm MacDonald’s SNL Version

Inspirational Quote: “That’s how you’re gonna beat ’em, Butch.  They keep underestimating you.”

Grade: A-