Category: Movie/Long Subject Reviews

Documentary-format movie about British men slowly turning into “zombies” via some unknown disease.

Centers on one man (Harold) and a woman that takes care of him.  She looks a bit like a young Dawn French, if that holds any interest for you.

I can’t call it moving or funny or scary, because every time it seems to be edging towards one of those it just moves back to slow and deliberate.  Not boring, just slowly moving along, going nowhere in particular, in no hurry – sort of like the disease itself.

It’s a bit frustrating, actually, because it’s fairly clever and never embarrassing, but it just never seems to even TRY to go anywhere beyond its initial borders.  It’s like watching a slow-moving stream and wondering when it’s going to overflow or change direction.  Certainly not unpleasant, but if you’re expecting anything else, somewhat disappointing.

Very few players, very little “action”.  Weird…and by far the most tranquil zombie movie I’ve ever seen.

Grade: C-

Cheezy, dumb ripoff of the then-popularity of Romero’s ‘Dawn’. 

Quick intro scene lifted right from the middle of ‘Dawn’.  Why?  SELL SELL SELL!  (Ironic, no?)

If you like gore you might (mildly) enjoy cackling and/or laughing at this, depending on your tastes and your tolerance for cheeze and bad FX.

I need decent acting, a decent script, believable characters…SOMETHING else besides gore to make a zombie flick watchable.  Unless it’s UTTERLY horrid…and this doesn’t QUITE achieve that.

With the cheeziness and background music, it’s sort of like watching a 70’s porn flick, without the porn.  It’s even got a guy that was in one of the ‘Emanuelle’ movies.  Not to be confused with the ‘Emmanuelle’ movies.

The “exciting” scenes often have a Michael-Palin-from-MPFC’s-‘jungle explorers find a nice place to eat and then bad stuff happens’ sketch, near the end – before it’s deemed not suitable for family viewing.

“Do you know much, about voodoo?  It’s a fascinating practice…” Yeah well you wouldn’t know it from this, Loki.

Upped a notch so I don’t have to worry about which title to put on my F list.  And because it reminds me of ‘Dawn’.  And 70’s porn.

Grade: D-

It’s a good sign at the beginning when something deadpan happens and it’s played just right.  Not ignored, but not POINTED OUT, like “wasn’t THAT clever???”.

Acting is tolerable, fx are cheezy, music is pretty decent.  The weakness of the script becomes more of an issue as things get more complex.

I kind of went back and forth between bemoaning its stupid cheeziness and waiting to become enthralled by its near-fascinating gothiness.  I doubt many will find the second winning in their hearts/minds, but, as with ‘Lo’, it’s completely possible some people will adore it and others will think it’s a load of sh1t.  Me, I’m somewhere in the middle, but it doesn’t grab me the way ‘Lo’ did, so leaning more towards the latter.

You’ll only find it funny if you hate it, and you won’t find it scary either way.  The best to hope for is rapt fascination…which I could understand.  None of that HERE, but to each their own.

If it was better written and better acted I might call it moving.  As it is let’s call it (mildly) interesting. (Re: JJ – RC, DH ‘ICSS’)

For living/undead romance, I’ll take ROTLD Part 3.

Grade: D+

Once again Jeff Goldblum plays the coolest character in a cheezy, dated-upon-release but still somewhat fun quasi-epic sci-fi-ish adventure flick.  Only this one is more cheezy.  And a little too long.

But it does have Will Smith, which sort of offsets that.  Sort of.

Inspirational Quote: “Excuse me…Mister President…that’s…not, ENTIRELY accurate.”

Grade: D

Cr@ppy attempted sci-fi/non-scary horror preceded by cr@ppy attempted drama.  And liberally interspersed with it.

OR: The rants of a crazy old woman.

You can watch it if you want something to make fun of that safely promises never to interest, scare, or emotionally involve.  There are VERY brief flashes of competence, and sound failure. 

Should you choose to watch it, there is a point where a flashback occurs as an explanation of a semi-revelation.  You might, like me, wonder to yourself: “Why didn’t I notice that when it happened?”  The answer, I think, is “Because it wasn’t any dumber than the rest of the movie so I chalked it up to sh1tty writing.”  The advantage, I suppose, of being horrible – you can disguise plot points with layer upon layer of stupidity until the viewer just doesn’t care anymore.

Featuring a sliding-door walk-in police department.

Alternate Title: ‘Invasion Of The Mouth-To-Mouth Flattened Mutant Corndogs’

Grade: F-

The problem with most of these zombie-type movies is that the innate creepiness of WALKING DEAD PEOPLE tends to be negated by the fact that you can’t for a moment suspend your disbelief, because of the extreme awfulness of the acting/script/production values.

Twist:  Lots of trees around.

Oh, and evidently the occasionally drunk camera operator makes a set shambling pattern unnecessary.

Favorite character: “Stunt Coordinator”

Grade: F

A relatively (given most) well-made “zombie” type movie.  It’s got a budget and everything.

FX (when they appear, which is rarely) are decent, and this has the look and feel of a real movie.

But it’s more a drama than a thriller/horror film, and it’s pretty tepid on both counts, despite the valiant attempts of whoever scored it. 

Tolerable, but completely non-essential.

Grade: D

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: D+

Oh God.  Another found footage movie.  Spoiler: It’s NOT REAL.

Actually, I think it’s an anti-seafood movie produced by the cattle industry.  Or rogue chickens of yesterday.

Acting/Dialogue: tolerable (only if you like thrills/chills, see below)

Icky makeup/FX: pretty darn icky

Thrills/Chills: a few, mostly near the end.  If you like that sort of thing, slog through the intro cr@p.  Just make sure you’re not afraid of sudden switches in volume level.

Pro-ecology message: Good.

Really tight pants on female reporter: GREAT!

Ends around 1:19:20, then sh1tloads of credits.

Grade: C-

Starts out surprisingly decent, as if it might actually be leading up to something interesting.  Then after about 15-20 minutes it just gets dull.

Not a horror movie…more a drama/wanna-be-thriller.

The very ending’s a little twisted if you wanna fast-forward to that.  Otherwise you can safely skip it.

Grade: D-

Terrible zombie flick with a down-home relaxed southern feel. 

Mr. Blonde has gone from menacing to fat, wrinkly, and pathetic.

I mean, I’m fat and wrinkly.  But at least I didn’t star in this.

I also spotted a guy that was decent in ‘The Rock’ about 20 years ago.

Even if you just want gore, there are much better options.

I have a theory: the main reason anyone agreed to appear in this movie (except the ‘Rock’ guy) is NOT the money.  It’s so they could put on their resume “I was in a movie with Michael Madsen”.

I was GOING to give this an F- right til the end, when I realized it could be interesting to watch to make fun of.  But only barely.  So I upped it.

48:10 – Ah, brilliant ‘Reservoir Dogs’ rip.  Door instead of cigarette.
48:32 – ‘Rock’ guy realizes he’s in this movie.

Epilogue: I’d rather the log remained hairy.  Also, during the second string of end credits, does the guy really say “high fever of the t1tty?”

Grade: F

A sh1t horror film that features zombies (well, sort of) near the end.

Sub-Corman-esque in its pandering: misogynists in the beginning, desperate gore fiends around 55 minutes in.  Briefly.

But most importantly fans of badly-acted, horribly-written sh1t all the way through.

Features the worst police office set ever very partially constructed.

30:45- CUT! Ok, now the zombie movie…umm…well, about 25 mins later actually.
31:41- Gordy NO!!!

Inspirational Quote: “Here…have a cookie.”

Grade: F-

This is NOT a zombie movie. 

It took me at least two (maybe three) tries to watch this.  I searched for “zombie” on Netflix and then looked at ALL (and boy are there a lot, some of them very sad) of the results.  This actually stuck out to me and I moved it to the top of my queue because it didn’t sound familiar and I thought it MIGHT actually be decent.  But when I was asked if I wanted to “Resume” viewing, I sensed danger.  Even with absolutely nothing better to do and a review waiting, it took quite a bit of will to force myself to actually watch the WHOLE D@MN THING.

It’s a student-film level attempt at moviemaking, which happens to revolve vaguely around the zombie concept.  Sort of like ‘My Sucky Teen Romance’ and vampires, only not as good.

I think the male lead sums up Blake Reigle’s confusion over what could make this movie interesting: “Drugs, sex, murder, pills?…nothing??”

Grade: F-

This is supposed to be witty and funny.  Well, you can laugh AT it, for as long as you can stand the boredom of watching it.

Despite its best efforts it reaches funny only once, at around the 40-41 minute mark.  Well, I did chuckle faintly around 1:21…thus the relatively high grade.

“The director’s cut of this sci-fi comedy is a Netflix exclusive.”

Oh, Netflix streaming, you get all the best movies!

And hey, don’t miss the seven minutes of credits at the end.

Inspirational Quote: “So…you are a formerly dead black model who is now suddenly a living white hobo after spending a weekend on the moon.  Is that correct?”

Grade: D-

Poorly acted, LONG, DULL mishmash of zombie/infected stuff you’ve seen before and/or don’t need to see.

Grade: F

Really horrible.

“Chilling” intro, then cut to pleasant somewhat-funky music over the credits.

It’s got a tag-team “grenade” toss and a few cr@ppy zombie scenes.  And dullness.

Advice to guy being killed by zombies: Stop sticking your hand straight up in the hair and moving it around shakily, and instead use it to swat at one of the zombies.

It’s all worth it for the profound ending, of course.

Inspirational Quote: “That’d be swell!”

Grade: F-

Cr@ppy war movie with unconvincing drama and lots of fast, angry “zombies”.

Source of zombies: “Anti-death experiments”. 

Hey, I’ve got an idea for an anti-death experiment: DON’T FCKEN KILL PEOPLE.

Opening walking scene: Is that people being tortured or just heavy industrial?

Grade: D-

Killer rats with the psychic ability to shake cages and anticipate phone calls.

Oh, and one of them eventually turns into a remarkably human-sized rat.  Convenient for the costume guy.

Bad acting, no budget, no horror, red rat-cam, and lots of rat footage.

The “scary” scenes are only scary if quick cuts, stock rat footage, really fake blood and/or people holding rats/fake rats against themselves while also pretending to fight them off scare you.  Think of the dynamite rabbit in ‘Holy Grail’, but not quite as scary.

The second plotline consists of freeway footage and bad acting, until it merges with the first after absolutely nothing happens in terms of interest or character development.  Oh…you do find out that one of the young ladies enjoys wearing a persistently high out-of-jeans thong.  That’s her “thing”.

And the others try/pretend to have “things” too.  And perform lots of dramatic…pauses.

What made someone write this movie?  Head dents.
If you were a car, what would watching this movie be like to you?  Road dents.
And so on, and so on…

Unbelievably brief breast shot of thong-lady.  Then the worst porno music (without porno) I’ve heard since the 70’s (including me going “Boom-Chikka WAH WAH!”), leading me to this:

Inspirational Quote: “There’s so many nooks and crannies…”

IQ2: “UH…Oh, uh…UH!…UH…OH…oh…uhh, oh…uh…uh…oh…”

Grade: F-

An OK movie made better by nostalgia and utterly overrated (like the rest) by a rabid fanbase.

Better than the second, not as good as the first.

To put this in perspective, here’s a realistic appraisal: Not QUITE as good as ‘Clash Of The Titans’.

Grade: C+

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Despite being cheezy, it’s too fun (in the “entertaining” sense) to not be a wee bit higher. Grade: B-

Very dark compared to part one (or four, who cares?) and not as good.  More cheezy, less charming.

And more boring.  A necessary middle.

Fav. New Observation: Hey, that rebel commander sure looks like he could use a Waldorf Salad.

Inspirational Exchange:
*Luke* “I don’t believe it.”
*Yoda* “That is why you fail.”

Grade: C-

In the spirit of alienating what little sci-fi/RPG fanbase I have, BUT in strict adherence to critical integrity, here goes.

Star Trek’s better.

I do like this, to a certain extent.  I saw it when it first came out, at an age when it seemed like the most amazing and absolutely epic thing possible.  Obviously it’s not nearly as enthralling now as when I was a tot, but I still enjoy it, and not (just) as nostalgia.

I love the somewhat Buddhist one-ness of “The Force”, the Butterfly Effect quote “Hold your fire.  There are no life forms aboard”, and the (still, fairly) fun escapism.

Negatives: Vastly overrated, obviously dated, too cheezy, Mark Hamill.

Inspirational Quote: “We meet again at last.”

IQ2: “I find your lack of faith disturbing…”

Grade: B-

5/24/16: Hmmm. “Alienating”. That’s not bad. Grade: B-

Don’t tease me, title.

Ummm…’Mad Alice, Beyond UmbrellaDome’?

Umbrella Corp has learned from their mistakes (and, quite obviously though not very well, ‘Day Of The Dead’ and ‘The Birds’), and could no doubt repeat them exactly.

Only 94 minutes but seems MUCH longer.

That these movies made Jovovich a Comic-Con idol is undeniable empirical evidence that not all geeks/nerds/dorks are smart.  Some of them are just plain fcken stupid.

Let me up, I’ve had enough.

Grade: F-

Umbrella Corp, a subsidiary of ConHugeCo, presents:

Lots of action (w/ sloooooo mooooooooo) and precious little else.

I mean, really, why not just play the video game at this point?  Acting can’t be any worse.  Nor can the story.  And the visuals are probably better.  And you have a tiny vested interest in giving a sh1t.

Grade: F

Why did I get in on this so late?  I’ve found that video games turned into movies tend to suck.

But this is zombie/rage-ish related, so I thought I’d give it a whirl.  Also, a certain fondness for Milla Jovovich played into my decision.  She did play one of my heroes, after all.

Conclusion: Interesting premise that far too often devolves into dumb zombie/infected/video game quality gore sh1t.  And this movie’s Vasquez copy isn’t nearly as cool.

Grade: D

5/28/13: I actually watched the first three, painful though it was.  I thought I needed to show the very minor movement from movie to movie.  But I started off at the wrong point.  Grade: D-

One of my (two) favorite Mel Brooks films.  Why is that not saying much?

Because it has plenty of dull, failed jokes…just like every Mel Brooks film.  On only two occasions do the good ones (and there are definitely some good ones here) generally outweigh the bad ones.  And even here (and there, probably…need to watch it again) parts are still so dull and predictable that it’s a fairly close call.

I give a little of the credit for saving it to Gene Wilder, who helped write it and who acts brilliantly in it.

I give a little of the blame to Brooks’ Madeline Kahn fixation, which makes the ending fairly dull.  And the rest to the often painfully predictable nature of Brooks’ humor, which he manages to overcome…barely.

Inspirational Quote: “Abby someone.”

Grade: B-

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. I think this is the first one I’m actually LOWERING the grade on. Grade: C+

A quite cerebral look at some (mainly two) scientists and their attempts at discovery.

Focuses on their passions, motivations, and personalities as well as their methods and what they actually do: make a time machine.

This started off fairly interesting, and by half an hour in I had moved well past “Am I going to like this?” to “Just HOW good is this going to get, and for how long will it stay there?”.

I understand very little of the terminology and theory…just trying to wrap my mind around all of it completely makes my brain hurt.  But I understand enough, here and there, at a certain level, to have it seem “genuine”.  Since this is a sci-fi drama, that is key.

Odd, original, minimalist, and very interesting.

Grade: B+

For those of you who haven’t seen this, but have heard about it by fans of it and/or Peter Jackson, let me say this first: it sucks.

If you go in with that in mind, and are cool with it (like me), and with MASSIVE amounts of gore and camp, then enjoy!

Inspirational Quote: “Does THIS look like a well-maintained frontage??”

Grade: B-

A really dumb lump of sh1t.

Great if you wanna see a young(er) Angelina Jolie in tight black and sweaty.

Oh, and she takes an apparently AMAZING shower…hairflip…ahhhhhh…

No nudity.

And hey, don’t get me wrong…I’m not making fun of Jolie here.  She probably laughed when she read the script, then said “ok” because she knew it’d be the easiest movie she ever did (minimal dialogue, minimal acting, lots of stunt double) and if people were stupid enough to see it anyway, that’s their problem.  I actually saw this when it first came out…well played, Angie.

Suggested sorority-ish parody for this movie’s target audience:

‘Lara Croft: The College Years – Panty Raid Her’

Grade: F

Delightfully galoomy.

Ah…what might have been.

Especially Huston and Julia, who are both remarkably elegant and have brilliant chemistry.

The rest…not as much.  But those two are enough, along with some clever sight/wordplay gags, to make this, the first (and ONLY this, the first), worth watching.

P.S.
(Puppy) Hey soundtrack/score…you sound pretty good to me.
(Soundtrack/Score) “If I only didn’t have a Hammer.”
(Puppy) I hear ya.

Inspirational Quote: “You frightened me.” *Dramatic Pause* “Do it again.”

Grade: B-

(Puppy was impressed)

I’m impressed.

(But how to convey that…)

But how to convey that…

The first 35-40 minutes I’m thinking: It doesn’t take itself seriously and it’s kinda clever/”cool”/witty in a somewhat predictable sense.  Yup, Joss Whedon. 

A dark comedy that is all polish and expertise but not quite enough inspiration – Whedon can pump out stuff like this in his sleep.  Pick a genre, pick a setting…

Then it really gets good.

A little (vastly-improved) ‘Evil Dead’, a little ‘Truman Show’, a little pathos, a little “So Much For Pathos…”, a little RACE AGAINST TIME action mockery, a LOT of horror-movie mockery, some horror-AUDIENCE mockery…even some specialized Asian Horror+AdorableAnimeCuteness mockery!

And, my favorite, Cthulhu-esque mythos mockery featuring Whedon’s idea of the final guardian.

Great makeup, really good FX, great timing, and…and this is the KEY part…it still retains the Whedon-esque nature that was the first 35-40 minutes.

It’s gory…but it’s not a horror movie.  FAR too tongue-in-cheek for that.

Inspirational Quote: “He’s got a husband bulge.”

Grade: B+

9/27/13: I have to.  I just HAVE to.  I mean, when the worst thing you can say about a movie is that one of the brief mythicals is out-of-character, that’s something.  And if those aren’t the twins I saw, they’re close enough.  Grade: A-

The stylish, smooth, better-written, polished-to-a-gleaming-shine second draft of ‘Reservoir Dogs’.

What is it about?  Watches up a$$es, gimps, bandaids, glow, random rants/comments, visible L7’s.

In other words, nothing.  But it’s pretty d@mn fun to watch.  Except “the date”, which is tedious.

Standouts: Willis, Keitel, The Ending.

Recommended Afterwards: Norm MacDonald’s SNL Version

Inspirational Quote: “That’s how you’re gonna beat ’em, Butch.  They keep underestimating you.”

Grade: A-

Animated feature about a kid that can communicate with the dead/mostly-dead.

Kinda cute, but not creepy enough for zombie fans.  And nothing you (probably) haven’t seen/heard before.

I get the message (tolerance/acceptance) but I don’t think this is the animated movie to have your kids see if you’re doing it for the message.  It’s just too mediocre, beyond being creepy.

Recommended only to those that absolutely must see everything animated AND zombie.  And that’s a pretty odd combination, so very few.

Inspirational Quote: “There’s nothing wrong with being scared, Norman.  As long as you don’t let it change who you are.”

Grade: D+

Any Christopher Walken movie, at least in retrospect post-“cowbell”, is inherently somewhat funny to me.  Why?  Christopher Walken.

But that’s not the only interest here.  It IS somewhat sad, convincingly dark and weird, and fairly intriguing and (at times) thrilling.  Also slightly cheezy and dated in parts, but definitely much more good than bad.

Walken is actually quite good, Martin Sheen is great as insane-senator guy, and Herbert Lom is very good as Walken’s doctor/friend/advisor.

Inspirational Quote: “What would you do?”

Grade: B

Camp fans must be desperate.

“Did the creator of ‘Red Dwarf’ watch this piece of cr@p and lift the biggest idiot’s name?”
READ THE BOOK.

Smeg!

Grade: F

Lots of borderline actors get some work in sh1tty zombie movie.

Gore: gratuitous and generic
Slo-Mo: pointless
Attempts At Drama: pathetic
Fake Baby Prop: really pathetic

Inspirational Quote: “We’re sittin’ here like, uhh…sittin’ ducks.”

Grade: F

Q: So, Puppy…how would you best describe the scene unfolding around a slice of Bacon and other (less interesting) actors if you had to rip MST3K and could be slightly off fictionally and geographically speaking?

A: Smothered in ‘Dune’-worms, TEXAS STYLE!

Q: And, similarly, regarding the level of cheeze that is this “horror” film’s only possible attraction?

A: Big, Bold, and Brassy!

Inspirational Quote: “Hey…check this out!  I found the a$$ end!”

Grade: C-

Warning: No zombies.  Just lots of people being turned really boring.

Starts off as an extremely dated, wanna-be cool generic 80’s flick. 

It’s got a guy that sorta looks like one of the Coreys and another guy that sorta looks like…some other guy that used to be kinda famous.  And Michael Madsen’s sister.  Nothing much happens except for the main plotline, which involves lots of people going from annoying and stupid to really really dull.

Pretty bad.  Not funny, not scary, just pretty bad.

Inspirational Quote: “You can’t replace human emotions with a crystal!”

Grade: F

I was a little worried Louis might have mellowed out a bit, and in the process gotten less funny. 

But he hasn’t, at least not that I can tell.  Well, maybe SLIGHTLY.  But most people won’t notice and the rest probably won’t give a sh1t.

This isn’t QUITE as good as ‘Chewed Up’, but close.  And different enough to be worth watching.

Favorite Bits: God’s disgust, wildly inappropriate vendetta rant

Inspirational Quote: “Leave me alone, I’m trying to cheat on your father!”

Grade: B

Taking this seriously…

Basically, this treats ‘Inferno’ as a series of stupid video game levels with a “boss” to defeat to pass each one, which is a truly sad statement on both who it’s (I guess) trying to reach and the desperation with which it’s trying to reach them.

Not taking it seriously: Cr@ppy non-interactive ultra-violent/stupid/poorly-dubbed video game sh1t.

Inspirational Quote: “Isn’t there…perhaps, a…way around it?” – Our Hero

Grade: F-

Another L.F. Dibley classic: ‘The British Blair Witch Ripoff Project’.

It gets somewhat scary with about 25 minutes left, to be fair. And the ending is made clear. UNTIL then, to save you the time, here’s what you learn in just over an hour that means anything: brunette woman is going to marry man, other man is jealous and seems a bit freaky/obsessed with brunette woman, they find a creepy tree of legend.

Question: Is this gonna come out every fourteen years with a new title in a new country? Sort of like the Olympics…I’m guessing France for 2027.

And now, for my own amusement, since they (mostly) wasted MY time, let me rip something:

“I’m afraid there’s been a mistake…

The people that have been acting for you are impostors. They are not in fact affiliated with the real police of East Anglia, but actors wanted by the ‘Blair Witch Project’ preservation society. Anybody who doesn’t believe me can look it up in the film registry.

Now then, the first prize is this beautiful silver Pointing Out The Bleedin’ Obvious For Your Protection cup, which has been won by me.

Next we come to the Fairfax Atkinson Trophy for outstanding achievement in the field of trashing ‘Blair Witch’ ripoffs. Well, there’s been noone else this just-begun year who’s reached the required standard set by me, so it goes in my sack.” – ‘The Puppy MPFC Ripoff Project’

Inspirational Exchange:

*Man* “What time is it?”
*Blonde Woman, in apparent silent response* “It’s time for a shot of my crotch.”

Grade: D

2/26/13: Inspirational Exchange Rip: “I have dispatched 25 minutes of somewhat scary footage to save the movie! They will be playing NOW!”
“Were they as surrounded by cr@p as this? Actually it was more like 15.” Grade: D-

At BEST, that’s totally imprecise and only somewhat accurate.  And totally sexist. 

I mean, what about the heterosexual female and homosexual male ones?  Not to mention the asexual ones, the lesbian/heterosexual male ones with headaches, or the ones that aren’t just mostly dead.

But here’s the deal…the “setup” (idea one) features nice costumes/scenery/most of the budget and tolerable acting and lasts until about the 15 minute mark, then the ultra-soft-core porn (necessary to add “NUDITY” to advertising) part turns into cr@ppy “horror” plot point (idea two) which eventually leads us to the actual movie (idea three, at around 25:30).

Actual movie lasts about 45 minutes and sucks.  FX are sad, acting is poor, dialogue is really bad.

Only misogynists and people that want to see Eric Roberts embarrass himself will enjoy it.

Nice fireplace, though…too bad they didn’t just show that for 1:14:05.

Inspirational Quote: “I’m a big fat cowboy!”

Grade: F

Pointless setup featuring 3-second fast forwards to boredom into

…Johnny Cage…

combination ‘Saw’/mostly ‘Mortal Kombat’ ripoff, which is just as pointless.

…Raiden…

And it’s not any good.  Well, if you like one-on-one fight choreography, it’s tolerable.

…Liu Kang…

About halfway through it switches from filming in a vacant room to filming in a

…Sonya…

vacant warehouse for the second level.  Haikiba!

…Sindel…

Thank goodness it’s the first 2013 streaming movie choice I came across or I might NEVER have watched it.

…Scorpion…

With all that being said, I can’t bring myself to truly hate it.  Maybe because it’s so un-ambitious that it can’t really fail (??!!).  Sort of like watching a human video game, except video games are much more fun when you’re PLAYING, not WATCHING.

…Sub-Zero…eh, I prefer ‘Killer Instinct’…Cinder…

It adds a retroactive plot and a Dr. Evil/Bond-ish villain at the end, if you care.

Grade: D-

A cute little movie.  It’s witty; somewhat gruesome yet also somewhat charming/sweet.

It’s not really my thing, for the most part…so I’d stop there.

But I can certainly understand how it could also be described as touching and even somewhat magical by fans.

This has such a wide audience because everyone from the most shallowly angsty to the most wistfully romantic can (potentially) feel all these things.

Like all Disney movies, the songs are annoying in their Basil Exposition qualities for adults, but the gruesomeness does mostly offset the traditional sappiness.

Like good Disney movies, this is simple and cute enough for children but smart enough for adults.

How so many people that like this can hate EVERY OTHER Disney movie is beyond me, since this IS a slight (goth/creepy/macabre/odd…take your pick) alteration on stock-Disney to create a modern-day ‘How The Grinch Stole Christmas’.

The message any non-idiot can take from this, if you pay any attention at all: insisting on gloom all the time is just as absurd as insisting on smiles all the time.  I mean, Skellington himself marvels at the stupidity of his minions in their failure to understand how anything worthwhile can NOT be negative.

The yearning for escape from enforced drudgery into freedom/happiness is pretty obvious, too.  But Sally points out that while that is a noble goal, to force one’s gloominess upon others (as Jack attempts) is just as wrong as to force one’s cheeriness upon others.

Or, as Jack simplifies for anyone that hasn’t gotten it yet: Leave gloom to the gloomy and cheer to the cheery.  If they want to mix, fine…if they don’t…fine.  It’s called free will.

For scumbags that enjoy this: It’s cuz only in fantasy can your fcked up dreams come true.  And, like it or not, your life is longer than 1:16:08.

For non-scumbags that enjoy this: If anyone tries to tell you the ending isn’t truly romantic (and honestly hopeful)…don’t listen.  Hope you read this, you know who…I hope.

Inspirational Quote: “How could I…be so blind?”

Grade: B

7/15/13: Dae Update – Hope unchanged, but moving on.  WAIT…yes.  WAIT…maybe…yes.

Extremely simplified version of the book, ending changed to happy. 

Is it good?  Sorta.  Is it anywhere near as good as the book?  No WAY.  The exchanges are much dumber and a lot is left out.  And if the dialogue seems very cheezy at times NOW, it’s gonna be downright pitiful soon enough.

But it’s a good way to bring the book to the masses.

In the spirit of that comment, I believe the necessity for this is summed up best by (then)star Sam Neill in another movie, talking to someone in a padded cell:

Man: “What about people that don’t read?”
Neill: *With a hopeless, lost, slightly insane expression* “There’s a movie.”

Saddest moment: Chilling slow-motion close-up of a Barbasol can.

The “movie” inside the movie should be ready for MSTing in 20-30 years or so.  I imagine it will be as sad as your typical 50’s prop flick.

Most Noble/Cool Character: Ian *BLEEPIN* Malcolm…YEAH!

Inspirational Quote: “Gee, the lack of humility…before nature that’s being displayed here, ummm…staggers me.”

Grade: C+

Title hints at sex and horror, movie has neither.  Worthless.

Grade: F-

Collection of cr@ppy short horror films, plus one (*) decent cheezefest.

First one: Dumba$$ white trash cleavage or die.
Second one: Artsy and predictable or die.
Third One: Reminiscent of ‘Last Clear Chance’ as its only redeeming factor or die.
*Fourth one: Extremely cheezy, somewhat funny cr@ppy clown drama or die.
Fifth one: One good face shot and nothing else or die.

It’s dead, Jim.

Grade: D-

Finally, the perfect forum for him.  As usual Jim Carrey is a one-man Three Stooges and everyone else is his foil.  It’s absurdly silly, as usual, but it’s also funny and witty (like the Stooges at their best) instead of incredibly stupid (as usual).  Good outtakes, too.

Of course it’s complete nonsense, but who cares?  It’s fun, except for when it gets sappy.  Which unfortunately is almost everything after the last courtroom scene.  But, good enough.

Inspirational Quote: “I’M AN INCONSIDERATE PRICK!!!”

Grade: B

I have two opinions on this very long advertisement and the movie it advertises.

One, it’s a shameless, greedy ripoff with no point whatsoever.  Leave the poor man alone and let him rest in peace, D@MNIT.

Two, it provides some bits of insight that even the most die-hard Python fan would find interesting (along with, of course, a lot of stuff you’ve already read/heard/seen a million times before) and is thus a somewhat valuable historical document, at the very least.

I want to believe two but my heart is screaming one.

Grade: F

Really enraged people-biters movie.  German with subtitles (but who cares?).

No setup, generic formula, cr@ppy dialogue, nothing much new.

But…it’s short.  And the acting is…decent.  And it has an actual ending.

The only other good thing that can be said is the makeup/fx are A-list.  Or at least B+ list.  But most of the scenes involve little of that and a lot of dull stuff (see above).

Inspirational Quote: “Hurry, turn on the torches!”

Grade: D

I’ve never liked Kurt Russell as an actor.  Never.  Well, except for ‘The Thing’, when his one-character persona was relatively “new”.  But in this movie I have to admit, he actually does some real ACTING.  Pretty good, too. I KNOW…can you STAND it??

Similarly, I sort of expected this movie to suck.  You know, another vehicle for one “name” actor, no real quality…so imagine my surprise when I discovered it was actually well-written and reasonably well-acted.  Pretty good.  After the 4th viewing, I still enjoyed it. 

It’s a thriller in the non-gore/non-stupid-action sense of the word, at least until the end.  Definitely worth a watch if you like thrillers.

Grade: B

“Zombie” flick…sort of.  A little.  If you REALLY stretch your imagination.

Thanks again, George.

Great cocktail lounge opening number complete with MPFC Episode 8.

4:32- I don’t think that fly was supposed to be there.  Not quite ‘Troll 2’ duration, but still.

There’s a lot more, but I’ll let you discover the majesty for yourself.

Incredibly bad.  With massive audio complications, yet.

I wanted to give this an F-, but then I realized it was a sh1t classic on the level of T2 or HWAS.

Grade: C