Category: Movie/Long Subject Reviews

Animated feature about a kid that can communicate with the dead/mostly-dead.

Kinda cute, but not creepy enough for zombie fans.  And nothing you (probably) haven’t seen/heard before.

I get the message (tolerance/acceptance) but I don’t think this is the animated movie to have your kids see if you’re doing it for the message.  It’s just too mediocre, beyond being creepy.

Recommended only to those that absolutely must see everything animated AND zombie.  And that’s a pretty odd combination, so very few.

Inspirational Quote: “There’s nothing wrong with being scared, Norman.  As long as you don’t let it change who you are.”

Grade: D+

Any Christopher Walken movie, at least in retrospect post-“cowbell”, is inherently somewhat funny to me.  Why?  Christopher Walken.

But that’s not the only interest here.  It IS somewhat sad, convincingly dark and weird, and fairly intriguing and (at times) thrilling.  Also slightly cheezy and dated in parts, but definitely much more good than bad.

Walken is actually quite good, Martin Sheen is great as insane-senator guy, and Herbert Lom is very good as Walken’s doctor/friend/advisor.

Inspirational Quote: “What would you do?”

Grade: B

Camp fans must be desperate.

“Did the creator of ‘Red Dwarf’ watch this piece of cr@p and lift the biggest idiot’s name?”
READ THE BOOK.

Smeg!

Grade: F

Lots of borderline actors get some work in sh1tty zombie movie.

Gore: gratuitous and generic
Slo-Mo: pointless
Attempts At Drama: pathetic
Fake Baby Prop: really pathetic

Inspirational Quote: “We’re sittin’ here like, uhh…sittin’ ducks.”

Grade: F

Q: So, Puppy…how would you best describe the scene unfolding around a slice of Bacon and other (less interesting) actors if you had to rip MST3K and could be slightly off fictionally and geographically speaking?

A: Smothered in ‘Dune’-worms, TEXAS STYLE!

Q: And, similarly, regarding the level of cheeze that is this “horror” film’s only possible attraction?

A: Big, Bold, and Brassy!

Inspirational Quote: “Hey…check this out!  I found the a$$ end!”

Grade: C-

Warning: No zombies.  Just lots of people being turned really boring.

Starts off as an extremely dated, wanna-be cool generic 80’s flick. 

It’s got a guy that sorta looks like one of the Coreys and another guy that sorta looks like…some other guy that used to be kinda famous.  And Michael Madsen’s sister.  Nothing much happens except for the main plotline, which involves lots of people going from annoying and stupid to really really dull.

Pretty bad.  Not funny, not scary, just pretty bad.

Inspirational Quote: “You can’t replace human emotions with a crystal!”

Grade: F

I was a little worried Louis might have mellowed out a bit, and in the process gotten less funny. 

But he hasn’t, at least not that I can tell.  Well, maybe SLIGHTLY.  But most people won’t notice and the rest probably won’t give a sh1t.

This isn’t QUITE as good as ‘Chewed Up’, but close.  And different enough to be worth watching.

Favorite Bits: God’s disgust, wildly inappropriate vendetta rant

Inspirational Quote: “Leave me alone, I’m trying to cheat on your father!”

Grade: B

Taking this seriously…

Basically, this treats ‘Inferno’ as a series of stupid video game levels with a “boss” to defeat to pass each one, which is a truly sad statement on both who it’s (I guess) trying to reach and the desperation with which it’s trying to reach them.

Not taking it seriously: Cr@ppy non-interactive ultra-violent/stupid/poorly-dubbed video game sh1t.

Inspirational Quote: “Isn’t there…perhaps, a…way around it?” – Our Hero

Grade: F-

Another L.F. Dibley classic: ‘The British Blair Witch Ripoff Project’.

It gets somewhat scary with about 25 minutes left, to be fair. And the ending is made clear. UNTIL then, to save you the time, here’s what you learn in just over an hour that means anything: brunette woman is going to marry man, other man is jealous and seems a bit freaky/obsessed with brunette woman, they find a creepy tree of legend.

Question: Is this gonna come out every fourteen years with a new title in a new country? Sort of like the Olympics…I’m guessing France for 2027.

And now, for my own amusement, since they (mostly) wasted MY time, let me rip something:

“I’m afraid there’s been a mistake…

The people that have been acting for you are impostors. They are not in fact affiliated with the real police of East Anglia, but actors wanted by the ‘Blair Witch Project’ preservation society. Anybody who doesn’t believe me can look it up in the film registry.

Now then, the first prize is this beautiful silver Pointing Out The Bleedin’ Obvious For Your Protection cup, which has been won by me.

Next we come to the Fairfax Atkinson Trophy for outstanding achievement in the field of trashing ‘Blair Witch’ ripoffs. Well, there’s been noone else this just-begun year who’s reached the required standard set by me, so it goes in my sack.” – ‘The Puppy MPFC Ripoff Project’

Inspirational Exchange:

*Man* “What time is it?”
*Blonde Woman, in apparent silent response* “It’s time for a shot of my crotch.”

Grade: D

2/26/13: Inspirational Exchange Rip: “I have dispatched 25 minutes of somewhat scary footage to save the movie! They will be playing NOW!”
“Were they as surrounded by cr@p as this? Actually it was more like 15.” Grade: D-

At BEST, that’s totally imprecise and only somewhat accurate.  And totally sexist. 

I mean, what about the heterosexual female and homosexual male ones?  Not to mention the asexual ones, the lesbian/heterosexual male ones with headaches, or the ones that aren’t just mostly dead.

But here’s the deal…the “setup” (idea one) features nice costumes/scenery/most of the budget and tolerable acting and lasts until about the 15 minute mark, then the ultra-soft-core porn (necessary to add “NUDITY” to advertising) part turns into cr@ppy “horror” plot point (idea two) which eventually leads us to the actual movie (idea three, at around 25:30).

Actual movie lasts about 45 minutes and sucks.  FX are sad, acting is poor, dialogue is really bad.

Only misogynists and people that want to see Eric Roberts embarrass himself will enjoy it.

Nice fireplace, though…too bad they didn’t just show that for 1:14:05.

Inspirational Quote: “I’m a big fat cowboy!”

Grade: F

Pointless setup featuring 3-second fast forwards to boredom into

…Johnny Cage…

combination ‘Saw’/mostly ‘Mortal Kombat’ ripoff, which is just as pointless.

…Raiden…

And it’s not any good.  Well, if you like one-on-one fight choreography, it’s tolerable.

…Liu Kang…

About halfway through it switches from filming in a vacant room to filming in a

…Sonya…

vacant warehouse for the second level.  Haikiba!

…Sindel…

Thank goodness it’s the first 2013 streaming movie choice I came across or I might NEVER have watched it.

…Scorpion…

With all that being said, I can’t bring myself to truly hate it.  Maybe because it’s so un-ambitious that it can’t really fail (??!!).  Sort of like watching a human video game, except video games are much more fun when you’re PLAYING, not WATCHING.

…Sub-Zero…eh, I prefer ‘Killer Instinct’…Cinder…

It adds a retroactive plot and a Dr. Evil/Bond-ish villain at the end, if you care.

Grade: D-

A cute little movie.  It’s witty; somewhat gruesome yet also somewhat charming/sweet.

It’s not really my thing, for the most part…so I’d stop there.

But I can certainly understand how it could also be described as touching and even somewhat magical by fans.

This has such a wide audience because everyone from the most shallowly angsty to the most wistfully romantic can (potentially) feel all these things.

Like all Disney movies, the songs are annoying in their Basil Exposition qualities for adults, but the gruesomeness does mostly offset the traditional sappiness.

Like good Disney movies, this is simple and cute enough for children but smart enough for adults.

How so many people that like this can hate EVERY OTHER Disney movie is beyond me, since this IS a slight (goth/creepy/macabre/odd…take your pick) alteration on stock-Disney to create a modern-day ‘How The Grinch Stole Christmas’.

The message any non-idiot can take from this, if you pay any attention at all: insisting on gloom all the time is just as absurd as insisting on smiles all the time.  I mean, Skellington himself marvels at the stupidity of his minions in their failure to understand how anything worthwhile can NOT be negative.

The yearning for escape from enforced drudgery into freedom/happiness is pretty obvious, too.  But Sally points out that while that is a noble goal, to force one’s gloominess upon others (as Jack attempts) is just as wrong as to force one’s cheeriness upon others.

Or, as Jack simplifies for anyone that hasn’t gotten it yet: Leave gloom to the gloomy and cheer to the cheery.  If they want to mix, fine…if they don’t…fine.  It’s called free will.

For scumbags that enjoy this: It’s cuz only in fantasy can your fcked up dreams come true.  And, like it or not, your life is longer than 1:16:08.

For non-scumbags that enjoy this: If anyone tries to tell you the ending isn’t truly romantic (and honestly hopeful)…don’t listen.  Hope you read this, you know who…I hope.

Inspirational Quote: “How could I…be so blind?”

Grade: B

7/15/13: Dae Update – Hope unchanged, but moving on.  WAIT…yes.  WAIT…maybe…yes.

Extremely simplified version of the book, ending changed to happy. 

Is it good?  Sorta.  Is it anywhere near as good as the book?  No WAY.  The exchanges are much dumber and a lot is left out.  And if the dialogue seems very cheezy at times NOW, it’s gonna be downright pitiful soon enough.

But it’s a good way to bring the book to the masses.

In the spirit of that comment, I believe the necessity for this is summed up best by (then)star Sam Neill in another movie, talking to someone in a padded cell:

Man: “What about people that don’t read?”
Neill: *With a hopeless, lost, slightly insane expression* “There’s a movie.”

Saddest moment: Chilling slow-motion close-up of a Barbasol can.

The “movie” inside the movie should be ready for MSTing in 20-30 years or so.  I imagine it will be as sad as your typical 50’s prop flick.

Most Noble/Cool Character: Ian *BLEEPIN* Malcolm…YEAH!

Inspirational Quote: “Gee, the lack of humility…before nature that’s being displayed here, ummm…staggers me.”

Grade: C+

Title hints at sex and horror, movie has neither.  Worthless.

Grade: F-

Collection of cr@ppy short horror films, plus one (*) decent cheezefest.

First one: Dumba$$ white trash cleavage or die.
Second one: Artsy and predictable or die.
Third One: Reminiscent of ‘Last Clear Chance’ as its only redeeming factor or die.
*Fourth one: Extremely cheezy, somewhat funny cr@ppy clown drama or die.
Fifth one: One good face shot and nothing else or die.

It’s dead, Jim.

Grade: D-

Finally, the perfect forum for him.  As usual Jim Carrey is a one-man Three Stooges and everyone else is his foil.  It’s absurdly silly, as usual, but it’s also funny and witty (like the Stooges at their best) instead of incredibly stupid (as usual).  Good outtakes, too.

Of course it’s complete nonsense, but who cares?  It’s fun, except for when it gets sappy.  Which unfortunately is almost everything after the last courtroom scene.  But, good enough.

Inspirational Quote: “I’M AN INCONSIDERATE PRICK!!!”

Grade: B

I have two opinions on this very long advertisement and the movie it advertises.

One, it’s a shameless, greedy ripoff with no point whatsoever.  Leave the poor man alone and let him rest in peace, D@MNIT.

Two, it provides some bits of insight that even the most die-hard Python fan would find interesting (along with, of course, a lot of stuff you’ve already read/heard/seen a million times before) and is thus a somewhat valuable historical document, at the very least.

I want to believe two but my heart is screaming one.

Grade: F

Really enraged people-biters movie.  German with subtitles (but who cares?).

No setup, generic formula, cr@ppy dialogue, nothing much new.

But…it’s short.  And the acting is…decent.  And it has an actual ending.

The only other good thing that can be said is the makeup/fx are A-list.  Or at least B+ list.  But most of the scenes involve little of that and a lot of dull stuff (see above).

Inspirational Quote: “Hurry, turn on the torches!”

Grade: D

I’ve never liked Kurt Russell as an actor.  Never.  Well, except for ‘The Thing’, when his one-character persona was relatively “new”.  But in this movie I have to admit, he actually does some real ACTING.  Pretty good, too. I KNOW…can you STAND it??

Similarly, I sort of expected this movie to suck.  You know, another vehicle for one “name” actor, no real quality…so imagine my surprise when I discovered it was actually well-written and reasonably well-acted.  Pretty good.  After the 4th viewing, I still enjoyed it. 

It’s a thriller in the non-gore/non-stupid-action sense of the word, at least until the end.  Definitely worth a watch if you like thrillers.

Grade: B

“Zombie” flick…sort of.  A little.  If you REALLY stretch your imagination.

Thanks again, George.

Great cocktail lounge opening number complete with MPFC Episode 8.

4:32- I don’t think that fly was supposed to be there.  Not quite ‘Troll 2’ duration, but still.

There’s a lot more, but I’ll let you discover the majesty for yourself.

Incredibly bad.  With massive audio complications, yet.

I wanted to give this an F-, but then I realized it was a sh1t classic on the level of T2 or HWAS.

Grade: C

Like fellow bad-taste satirists Monty Python (when they felt like it) only not nearly as cleverly or with as much ease, Kevin Smith is both expressing some deep, heartfelt opinions and laughing his A$$ off at the same time.  Also like Monty Python, he’d like it to make people think and he’d like it to make a difference, but if it doesn’t, and it doesn’t…and you don’t like it, what the fck does he care?

So I have to admire the man’s attitude, at least.  He’s an individual, you’re an individual.  This is how he thinks (and laughs).  And suggestions that this movie is in any way “offensive” are absurd: you know what it is beforehand, if the subject matter would offend you, don’t watch it.  It’s called freedom of expression.  He expresses his by making it, you express your opinion that it’s a pile of sh1t by not watching it.

Is it heretical and blasphemous?  Of course it is.  Is it “offensive”? *Shrug* I don’t think so.

If you pay close attention, you’ll see that Smith is not attacking faith: he’s attacking blind faith, he’s attacking intolerance, he’s attacking hypocrisy.  What his faith is, or is not, I couldn’t really care less about…that has no impact on me (since I am my own person) or on the film (since it is an entity of itself, formed in Smith’s head but made well outside of it).

In terms of the actual QUALITY of the MOVIE, I’d have to say it’s not nearly as good as Smith wants it to be, but still good enough to be worth watching.  He’s just not a good enough writer to fully pull off a ‘Life Of Brian’.  So it lags in parts and is downright boring and stupid in other parts.  But there are GREAT moments, and if you just concentrate on those I have faith it will get you through the entire movie.  I don’t BELIEVE that…but I have a good idea.

Some of the moments are truly funny, and some (surprisingly) are truly moving.

Fav characters, paired up in a “Good” vs. “Evil” tag-team match:

Metatron and Jay vs. Loki and Bartleby

Inspirational Quote: “Do you know much, about voodoo?  It’s a fascinating practice…no real doctrine of faith to speak of, more an arrangement of superstitions…”

Grade: B

5/25/16: I did not underrate ‘Life Of Brian’, nor did I overrate this. I just made a comparison based on somewhat distant memory. They both possess periods of tedium, but here it’s more of the “get ON with it…” variety; overly wordy in the Tolkien sense. This is clearly better, overall. I suppose in twenty years this could reverse, but I don’t think either one of them is good enough (or bad enough) to really worry about that. Grade: B

Rockin’ intro. 

But the horror stories are pretty mediocre and unexceptional.  And they get progressively worse.

Best moment: Soylent Green-ish warning.

Grade: D-

Psychological horror/drama.  Mostly B-grade, but featuring a decent Scully lookalike.

Displaying once again the wisdom of “liking” a serial killer.

1:06:38-54 – The danger of inanimate objects.

Grade: D+

Spoiler: They don’t find him.  Why not?  He’s dead, that’s why not.

An alarming trend: Movies-as-documentaries, to justify the sh1tty quality.

Consistently dull and tedious.  And pretentious.  Try ‘In The Mouth Of Madness’ instead.

1:19:19 – There’s logistically illogical blood on that thar face!
1:23:39 – Suggested rewrite: “Haikiba!”

Favorite Scene: Driving on a road, cut to view of Earth from space, back to driving on road.  Just to give us a better sense of where exactly they are.

Grade: F

Most of this is just cheap action/”drama” flick, all noise and commotion and trite “sentimentality”…adolescent instead of adult, which was perfect for me at the time it came out, but not so much now.  I used to hate when that happened…now I can generally see it coming.

But I enjoy this movie (somewhat) as a guilty pleasure.

Mainly because of Emilio Estevez as Billy the Kid: Smiling like an evil cherub, fresh-faced and harmless back-and-forth with cold-blooded and merciless, fearless and with lots of wisecracks at both ends that he finds hilarious even if noone else does.  And sometimes I do.

Quality admired in the real Billy: Loyalty.

Inspirational Quote: “Hey Peppin…Charlie Crawford ain’t with ya anymore.”

Grade: D+

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Gotta love Billy. Grade: C-

If you take this (as you should) as a lighthearted, tasteless, self-mocking treatment of its subject matter (which, while admittedly brilliant, is ripe for such a treatment)…it’s sorta fun.  Coulda been a lot BETTER, but not bad.

Inspirational Quote: “I’ll never be your dungeonmaster again.”

Grade: C

How many different variations do Joss Whedon fans really need on Joss Whedon? 

Wittiness having flatlined at the same level for years, fairly amusing, kinda sweet, kinda sappy, kinda cliche, teen-angst “romantic”, eye-roll inducing and hard to take at times, mainstream enough for a normal person but made for a dork, dumb enough for everyone but made for a 21-35 year old demographic, that guy from ‘Firefly’…over and over and over again, in different settings.

This one’s got sh1tty songs, too!

Grade: D

A great horror movie to watch if you don’t want to be scared. 

Somewhat creepy at a few points, but mostly just really silly.  Perhaps this is “family-friendly” horror?

More interesting holes: Black, Portable, Rebel Set.

Grade: F

1/28/13: Suggested propaganda quote: “A great horror movie…”.  Grade: F

Halfway decent setup quickly turns into dull cr@ppy zombie flick.

Grade: F

Visually and thematically brilliant.

Intelligent, provocative, creepy, and well-written.

Cruise’s character functions with the precision and speed of a highly effective machine.  No surprise, since it’s Tom Cruise.  Although he does show one emotion very convincingly: Anger.

At one point there’s an act of timing that makes that one really impressive moment from ‘Ink’ watchable, without having to watch ‘Ink’.

Peter Stormare plays an intelligent weirdo.  Big surprise.  He plays him very well.  Bigger surprise.

Let me guess:  There are people today who don’t find this frightening, but rather a comforting hope for the (according to some of what I’ve read, very near) future.  After all, with continued technological and scientific advancement inherently comes continued human moral advancement.

Just have to work the kinks out.

One hour, 32 minutes: Behold, the on-your-knees worship of ultimate biological perfection.  The machine has not become the ultimate human being, the human being has become the ultimate machine.  Does it make any difference?

Dig the efficient, fully automated factory…human workers required: NONE!

One problem: The ending is too quick and too simplistic compared to the rest.

Inspirational Quote(s): “…I like you, so…”

Grade: A

3/29/17: “Specify.” The mistake made is completely out of character, given all the rest. It’s like Spock’s mishandle in ‘Balance Of Terror’.

“In other words, he…”
“And that, is impossible.”

FAIR USE: CRITICISM – A very good clip from a mediocre episode.

I wonder how many people are disappointed at the final target. A$$holes. Grade: A

Great, Japan.  You’ve made the stupidest movie in the history of the world.

I was going to explain in detail how AWFUL every single thing about this movie was until I realized I just couldn’t stop laughing.  For the first part.  During the second part I went back and forth between laughing, yawning, and checking how much time was left.

Inspirational Quote: “I don’t want to watch this.”

Grade: C-

Quick setup into short movies.  The intro is decent and (more importantly) quick and the interludes/finale are well-made and, as advertised, both theatrical and bizarre.

First feature: Very silly.  GREAT relationship: He obviously is with her for her amazing conversational abilities (and she’s great in the sack).  She obviously is with him because she shares his deep spiritual/historical curiosity (and he’s great in the sack).

Second feature: Well-acted and fairly convincing.  Ah…L’Amour.

Third feature: Tom Savini directing…opening reaction: YAY!
Abusive husband deals with some very disturbing dreams.  Intelligent and creepy.  And gory, of course…Savini’s gotta flex the mastery he’s developed over the years.  Nay, decades.

Fourth feature: Ruminations on life and death.  Fairly interesting.

Fifth feature: Clever, creepy, gory, thought-provoking, and extremely disturbing.  The best.

Sixth feature: Sickeningly-sweet ruminations on inane breakup cliches and shallow, self-centered, self-absorbed scumbags.

It’s all quite gruesome and somewhat artsy, but if you can deal with (or prefer) that sort of thing, it’s pretty good overall.

Grade: B-

Mostly hype. 

A collection of short horror films with a bad setup to get to them.

As far as such things go, it’s pretty well made.  It’s not intentionally ragged/chaotic to adhere to the “setup”.  It’s intentionally ragged/chaotic because that’s easier and a LOT cheaper to make, and some people prefer it.  Call me a cynic, but I’m 6.9 on that.

Unfortunately the only “shorts” worth watching beyond technical achievement awards are the first (which begins when they pop in the first tape) and the last (which begins after the setup screeches to a halt).

First: ‘When Horrible Things Happen To Drunk Men’
Fifth: ‘Random Creepy Sounds And Images’

Fifth doesn’t begin til around 1:39:30.  Everything in between is useless sh1t.

Grade: D

Same-Day Edit: Ok, so it’s creepy throughout.  So is a bad ‘Twilight Zone’ episode.  You know, the ones where it’s all buildup buildup buildup and then BAM…nothing.  That’s this movie, except for the first short (which is pretty scary as well as creepy) and the mish-mash ending (which doesn’t make much sense to me but IS very creepy, and chaotic, and has a real ending). 

So watch the first, skip to 1:39:30, watch the chaos until you’ll-know-when, turn it off, and pretend the rest was any good.  Because it wasn’t.  Grade: D+

As D+D/fantasy movies from my childhood go, this doesn’t hold up anywhere near as well as ‘Clash Of The Titans’.  The special effects are pitiful even by the standards of the day, and the story is utterly simplistic.

But I can’t help but retain a certain fondness for it…and it did in some small way help inspire my subsequent (and lasting) love for fantasy/roleplaying.  Who knows, without this and movies like it I might never have gleefully selected the relatively new ‘Monster Manual’ as a prized birthday gift: great cover, and perfect for repeated front-to-back readings on rainy days.  It’s wise to study the ways of one’s enemies, after all.

Anyone under 30 but older than, say, 8 and anyone with no interest in D+D should ignore this.

Nostalgia fans and hard-core fans of the genre will probably enjoy it in a wistful way, perhaps even smiling slightly at the relative simplicity and innocence of the story and of the time, in reality, that it evokes.

Grade: D

Ok, so supposedly this is Vampires/Werewolves For Morons.

And in a lot of ways, it is.  The story is often cliche and never really surprising in any way.  Aside from Kate Beckinsale and (to a lesser extent) Scott Speedman, and maybe a coupla others with bit parts so who gives a sh1t, the acting is pretentious, cliche, and dull.

The “romance” is pretty predictable, but it’s still kinda fun to watch because it involves the only two relevant characters that aren’t pretentious, cliche, and dull.

The FX are good and it’s very stylish and dark in a smooth, seemingly effortless way.  Which is great during action scenes, but useless when something has to be acted out, explained, or discussed.

Based on her acrobatic ability, deadliness, funky black outfit and taste for blood I dub Beckinsale’s character ‘Aeon Sux’. She speaks with a British accent so that makes her more interesting, of course.  And what she says by definition has more meaning, as well.

So yeah, it’s pretty fcken dumb.  But it’s well-made enough that it’s a bit of fun if you like this sort of thing.  Vampires, werewolves, forbidden romances, dark gothiness, extreme pretension…stuff like that.

Further installments promise to suck.

As for sides, how can you take one?  I mean, what do the vampires and werewolves both do?  They try to kill each other.  Isn’t that what different groups of humans do? 

Extreme power, same base unevolved morality.

I’ll take the guard dogs any day.  If only the vampires hadn’t imitated humans yet again, and taught them to be vicious when they’re born to be loving.

Grade: D+

I wondered, at first, why this was a popular view on Netflix streaming recently.  Then I thought, “Hey…wasn’t this actually a REAL movie-theater movie recently?”.  Then I found out it totally bombed.  Then I realized WHY it was available on Netflix streaming.  Then I realized that when it comes to new horror movies, beggars can’t be choosers.

Professional waste of time.  Except for the extra that decides to check out the lead’s a$$.

Grade: F

Martin Luther King, Jr. was a great man who achieved great things.

But this documentary isn’t great.  It’s a simple recital of facts, as dry as a textbook but not as informative.  Everything contained in it is better off read/researched, as there is very little emotional appeal to this presentation.

Grade: D

What technically is the main story: the “vikings”, training, dragon life, humans vs. dragons…is merely ok.  A lot of the dialogue is mediocre/predictable, a lot of the characters are boring, and even some of the DRAGONS are boring.

The three things that make this movie worth watching:
The impressive visuals, particularly the flying scenes (which at their best recall ‘Avatar’).
The score, which seems to mesh most effectively when paired with a flying scene and/or boy/dragon scene.
The friendship between boy and dragon, which is truly touching and the REAL focus of the movie.

Most of the other relationships seem forced, inserted out of necessity, and/or sappy/dull.

There’s a movie-long allegory here about not judging books by their covers, mutual acceptance, respect of differences between all, etc…which I AGREE with completely, but it’s a bit too obviously stated for me.  And I already knew all of that.

So it’s a bit too childish…great for kids both to watch and enjoy and to hopefully learn from, but too dumbed-down for my taste.  I still enjoy it, though…I just think, every time it hits a high point and then drops to a low point, that it could have been a lot better if it was more ambitious.

GREAT ending, though.

Inspirational Quote(s): “…we have…DRAGONS.”

Grade: B-

Not funny, sexy, clever, or sci-fi.

Just bad.

I think I’d rather see ‘Mad Girls From Bars’.  Maybe Roger Corman is working on that.

Grade: F

John Landis is one of the few voices of “Yes, this IS a sea of sh1t” reason amongst a vast array of people trying to give any meaning at all to cr@ppy 70’s exploitation films shot in the Philippines.  So most of this documentary is as meaningless as those movies, but it’s fun to laugh at, especially at the pretentiousness of some of the “This has real value!” proponents, most notably Roger Corman.

Grade: B-

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’.  Grade: C-

OK…up to around the 57-58 minute mark this movie is just really: stupid, silly, campy, ridiculous, and disgusting.  But I am fairly certain all the time I’m watching that it was meant to be, and this assurance and hope for eventual payoff keeps me somewhat interested.

Then something happens (wait for it…), and it just reaches that ‘Dead Alive’ level of sublime absurdity that is actually quite rare, both by movies TRYING to reach it, and by those that just happen to reach it by accident.  Therefore it becomes interesting to laugh at and say/think “What the FCK is this???”, if you don’t mind complete tastelessness/camp.

Think ‘RoboCop’ meets ‘Star Wars’ in some really silly alternate universe.

Re: ‘Pupdate – 1/14/13’: I said “soon”.

Inspirational Quote: “I wanna go home!”

Grade: C-

Nein.

Time spent coming up with pre-emptive review: 2 seconds.

Time spent watching movie as a necessary evil to fully and completely confirm the accuracy of pre-emptive review: 5,441 seconds.

That’s the painful but necessary price of critical integrity.

This is INCREDIBLY bad, making me wonder why it wasn’t MST’d…it’s basically ‘Mitchell’ meets a really dull, sad version of ‘Alien’ while listening to WKRP in Cin-ci-nahhh-ti.

Grade: F-

The information on Vlad the Impaler DOES come, after about 45-50 minutes.  Until then it’s basically a study of Bram Stoker and the influences on the creation of his most famous book.  And near the end it turns into a documentary/tourist guide of Romania.

Sometimes it’s quite interesting and at other times it’s dull…it could have been much better given the subject matter.

Also, it features a woman who seems WAY too interested in vampires.  I’m not an expert on body language, but if you gently play with your hair while talking about “sexy” and “beautiful” vampires, I’m gonna guess that suggests something.  (boom-chikka wah wah).

Grade: B-

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’.  Grade: C-

If you’re a friend of Emily Hagins, AKA “Zombie Girl”, you’ve seen this already and probably thought it was really fun to watch.  I’m sure she had fun making it, too, just like ‘Pathogen’.  It’s probably better than anything I could ever make.

Unfortunately, that’s as much “praise” as I can POSSIBLY give this.  A movie written and directed by an 18-year-old, while a LOT better than one written and directed by a then-12-year-old, is still pretty amateurish, predictable, and dull for the rest of the viewing public beyond friends/family.

At least, this one is.

That’s all, really.  End of cute story.  ‘Zombie Girl’ is probably the most interesting thing she’ll ever be involved in.  I mean, come on…fun is fun, but unless she starts actually improving noticeably as a REAL filmmaker, there’s really no point in going on making films.  I don’t grade on a curve…if it sucks, it sucks.  And this does.

At least she titled it appropriately.

Grade: F

Some interesting thoughts on the purpose and usefulness of different forms of dreaming.

Grade: B-

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’.  Grade: C+

8/28/13: BABY DON’T HURT ME, DON’T HURT ME, NO MORE!!  Grade: C+

The trials and tribulations of a visionary filmmaker whose magnificent festerings are only held up by the persistent problems of others, who are invariably less talented than he is.

This is for people for whom watching the final, pristine cut of B-movies isn’t enough.  They need the raw footage, before all the grandeur is stripped away by slick editing.

Actually in all seriousness it’s a documentary that’s as dull as the subject matter demands, unless it’s MST-ing itself, which is only occasionally.

Inspirational Quote: “I’m not Picasso.  I’m more like the guy who paints Elvis on velvet.”

Grade: D

Generic cr@ppy zombie flick, until the hissing slugs make an appearance.  Then it gets campy/gory in a bit of a ‘Slither’ vein, but not nearly as good/funny/interesting/visually impressive.  And of course there’s cr@ppy incidental music.

Features two guys going up to a cabin for a towjob.

Knowledge gained: When a friend is being eaten alive by a zombie and screaming desperately for help, do more than poke the offending zombie with the stick end of a broom repeatedly in an attempt to shoo it off.

Grade: D

Cr@ppy zombie movie, filmed in grainy Haze-Cam.

Features lots of cr@ppy, out of place incidental music.  And bad dialogue/acting, of course.

If only the main characters’ alarm clocks hadn’t gone off, this movie need never have been made.

Knowledge gained: Zombies are destroyed by stock footage.

Inspirational Exchange:

Man: “I wasn’t always a priest.”
(several minutes later)
Woman: “You weren’t always a priest, were you?”

Grade: F-

Somewhat informative, somewhat absurd, often repetitive “documentary” on the zombie idea.

Grade: D

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: D+

What a complete RIPOFF.

It starts out good enough…seems fairly witty, intelligent, well-acted, well-made.

But besides (infrequent) zombies, it’s NOTHING like the original.  I would liken it more to ‘Return’ but it’s NOT funny.  It’s also not scary.  It also gets boring about half an hour in when you begin to wonder when it’s actually going to START.

Character development is great.  But only when the characters then do stuff.

It’s cleverly made in that it puts forth a good opening and since you KNOW it’s gonna eventually turn into ‘Night 2012’, you keep watching.  But it doesn’t.  Ever.  Really.  I watched the WHOLE THING.

Just cashing in on the name, basically.  And except for first-time viewers who haven’t heard what a piece of sh1t it is (like me), it will attract NO type of audience.  Not gore fans, not horror fans, not horror parody fans, not even die-hard Romero fans.

Upped a notch for the decent but meaningless beginning, and to prevent having to add it to my F list.  I have SOME standards.

Grade: D-

3/11/13: Why didn’t I notice that this was a prequel to the cr@ppy 2006 ‘Night’ “remake” until well after I’d finished watching it?  Because the 2006 version was so terrible I didn’t bother to review it.  There.  Accurate AND precise!  Grade: D-