Nein.
Time spent coming up with pre-emptive review: 2 seconds.
Time spent watching movie as a necessary evil to fully and completely confirm the accuracy of pre-emptive review: 5,441 seconds.
That’s the painful but necessary price of critical integrity.
This is INCREDIBLY bad, making me wonder why it wasn’t MST’d…it’s basically ‘Mitchell’ meets a really dull, sad version of ‘Alien’ while listening to WKRP in Cin-ci-nahhh-ti.
Grade: F-
The information on Vlad the Impaler DOES come, after about 45-50 minutes. Until then it’s basically a study of Bram Stoker and the influences on the creation of his most famous book. And near the end it turns into a documentary/tourist guide of Romania.
Sometimes it’s quite interesting and at other times it’s dull…it could have been much better given the subject matter.
Also, it features a woman who seems WAY too interested in vampires. I’m not an expert on body language, but if you gently play with your hair while talking about “sexy” and “beautiful” vampires, I’m gonna guess that suggests something. (boom-chikka wah wah).
Grade: B-
1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’. Grade: C-
If you’re a friend of Emily Hagins, AKA “Zombie Girl”, you’ve seen this already and probably thought it was really fun to watch. I’m sure she had fun making it, too, just like ‘Pathogen’. It’s probably better than anything I could ever make.
Unfortunately, that’s as much “praise” as I can POSSIBLY give this. A movie written and directed by an 18-year-old, while a LOT better than one written and directed by a then-12-year-old, is still pretty amateurish, predictable, and dull for the rest of the viewing public beyond friends/family.
At least, this one is.
That’s all, really. End of cute story. ‘Zombie Girl’ is probably the most interesting thing she’ll ever be involved in. I mean, come on…fun is fun, but unless she starts actually improving noticeably as a REAL filmmaker, there’s really no point in going on making films. I don’t grade on a curve…if it sucks, it sucks. And this does.
At least she titled it appropriately.
Grade: F
Some interesting thoughts on the purpose and usefulness of different forms of dreaming.
Grade: B-
1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’. Grade: C+
8/28/13: BABY DON’T HURT ME, DON’T HURT ME, NO MORE!! Grade: C+
The trials and tribulations of a visionary filmmaker whose magnificent festerings are only held up by the persistent problems of others, who are invariably less talented than he is.
This is for people for whom watching the final, pristine cut of B-movies isn’t enough. They need the raw footage, before all the grandeur is stripped away by slick editing.
Actually in all seriousness it’s a documentary that’s as dull as the subject matter demands, unless it’s MST-ing itself, which is only occasionally.
Inspirational Quote: “I’m not Picasso. I’m more like the guy who paints Elvis on velvet.”
Grade: D
Generic cr@ppy zombie flick, until the hissing slugs make an appearance. Then it gets campy/gory in a bit of a ‘Slither’ vein, but not nearly as good/funny/interesting/visually impressive. And of course there’s cr@ppy incidental music.
Features two guys going up to a cabin for a towjob.
Knowledge gained: When a friend is being eaten alive by a zombie and screaming desperately for help, do more than poke the offending zombie with the stick end of a broom repeatedly in an attempt to shoo it off.
Grade: D
Cr@ppy zombie movie, filmed in grainy Haze-Cam.
Features lots of cr@ppy, out of place incidental music. And bad dialogue/acting, of course.
If only the main characters’ alarm clocks hadn’t gone off, this movie need never have been made.
Knowledge gained: Zombies are destroyed by stock footage.
Inspirational Exchange:
Man: “I wasn’t always a priest.”
(several minutes later)
Woman: “You weren’t always a priest, were you?”
Grade: F-
Somewhat informative, somewhat absurd, often repetitive “documentary” on the zombie idea.
Grade: D
7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: D+
What a complete RIPOFF.
It starts out good enough…seems fairly witty, intelligent, well-acted, well-made.
But besides (infrequent) zombies, it’s NOTHING like the original. I would liken it more to ‘Return’ but it’s NOT funny. It’s also not scary. It also gets boring about half an hour in when you begin to wonder when it’s actually going to START.
Character development is great. But only when the characters then do stuff.
It’s cleverly made in that it puts forth a good opening and since you KNOW it’s gonna eventually turn into ‘Night 2012’, you keep watching. But it doesn’t. Ever. Really. I watched the WHOLE THING.
Just cashing in on the name, basically. And except for first-time viewers who haven’t heard what a piece of sh1t it is (like me), it will attract NO type of audience. Not gore fans, not horror fans, not horror parody fans, not even die-hard Romero fans.
Upped a notch for the decent but meaningless beginning, and to prevent having to add it to my F list. I have SOME standards.
Grade: D-
3/11/13: Why didn’t I notice that this was a prequel to the cr@ppy 2006 ‘Night’ “remake” until well after I’d finished watching it? Because the 2006 version was so terrible I didn’t bother to review it. There. Accurate AND precise! Grade: D-
A post-apocalypse movie. Cause: extreme heat.
It’s well made and acted enough to be “authentic”, but the dialogue is as persistently lifeless and dull as the landscape.
Nothing special. Subtitles if you care, and kinda boring regardless. The ‘Twilight Zone’ heat episode is much better, if you insist on a heat disaster subject.
Grade: D
Interesting and well-made documentary about CleanFlicks in particular and the edited-movie business in general, as well as some of the people that were involved in it.
Obviously since it was made by people it’s subjective, but overall the stance is fairly neutral: it presents a clear viewpoint, but it doesn’t show and say ONLY those things that back up that viewpoint. So it’s opinionated without being completely propagandic…which is good, because if you’re denouncing preachy behavior it’s a good idea not to preach about it.
Grade: B
1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’. Grade: C+
A quote and a comment open this movie. Both are creepy-interesting.
Then the movie begins.
Is it creepy? It’s about a girlfriend eating her boyfriend…so yeah.
But it’s ALL mood. I mean ALL. Dark, creepy mood. Bad (infrequent) dialogue, bad acting, bad arty attempts, bad SFX (the gore in any zombie flick is more “realistic” than this). And after a while dark, creepy mood becomes dull, monotonous repetitive mood.
To close, two guest reviews:
Larry: “Let’s pluck him, and see if he’s ripe!”
Monty Python (paraphrased):
*Derek Hart* “Nude man, what did you make of that?”
*Nude Man* “Well, don’t you see, that was exactly the kind of explicit…reference I’m objecting to. It’s titillation for the sake of it. A deliberate attempt at cheap sensationalism. I don’t care what the so-called avant-garde, left-wing, intellectual namby-pambies say…It is filth!”
*Derek Hart* Bishop.
*The Bishop* Okay, don’t anybody eat!
Grade: F
A combination of mediocre horror flick and attempt-at gripping post-apocalyptic drama.
It’s more the second, along the lines of ’28 Days Later’/’The Book Of Eli’ (much more ‘Eli’, though, especially with the recurring religious themes).
Of course it’s not nearly as GOOD as either of those films…it’s not bad and it’s fairly watchable, but it’s pretty predictable. I didn’t discover any surprises, at least.
The “sidekick”/kid is actually a lot more convincing than the lead/”hero”. None of the other characters really make an impression despite some of them trying really hard, and the whole thing is a bit overwrought. But it doesn’t really make you think much, if that’s a bonus for you.
There’s a part where the narrator says “small talk stopped”. Lucky break for the screenwriter. And of course shortly after that there’s a moment when it’s quiet…TOO quiet…
A: They had a great cheezy hit with “Kyrie”
Q: Why would it be cool if the lead’s last name was the same as his first?
Inspirationally Dumb Tactical Move: “Let’s leave the pregnant sleeping girl alone.”
Grade: C-
Subject of mockumentary: Really Cr@ppy B-Movies.
But despite the unbelievably easy target provided, it only hits “mildly amusing”, and even that only occasionally. So if you liked ‘This Is Spinal Tap’ or ‘Best In Show’, well…so did I, but this kinda sucks.
Although as a B-grade mockumentary of B-grade movies, there’s a certain symmetry of mediocrity there.
Grade: D-
Somewhat interesting documentary of Michael Jordan’s one-season baseball career: why it happened, how it went, and why it ended.
Grade: C+
1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’. Grade: D+
…and the question is: When will the world’s supply of disposable paper products replenish itself?
Features lots of interviews with former porn stars and people in the porn business.
I don’t know HOW, but this makes porn actually seem kinda meaningless.
Honestly, it is kinda sad to see the real, emotional, human reasons why some of these women (and men…but mostly women) got into porn in the first place; reasons that invariably tend toward loneliness, abandonment, and self-esteem issues.
Not really sure what the target audience is here, though…
Men that used to jerk off to these women that actually care about them as people?
OR…
Men/Women that actually care about them as people, who also want to see the many nude scenes sprinkled throughout?
Grade: C
1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’. Grade: D
The title is the most cleverly enjoyable part of watching the movie.
Not scary, and since it’s a straight-out parody the one or (maybe) two laughs and couple of mildly interesting moments (all in the first half) don’t make it worth watching.
What a waste of time and dull mostly-professional competence.
Grade: D-
Started to watch this…found it to be an inferior version of ‘Masters Of Horror’, with worse scripts/acting/directing…stopped. I wasn’t afraid, I was bored.
I almost ALWAYS make it a rule to watch every single minute of something before I review it, just on the OFF chance I might miss some great revelation that makes the first 99% worth slogging through. So take this as an “incomplete”, and torture yourself if you want to. You MIGHT like it. But based on the evidence I saw, I’m 6.9 you won’t. Unless you have really bad taste, or you JUST CAN’T GET ENOUGH…dun dun dun dun dun da da dun dun.
Pretentious artsy cr@p. About as meaningful as ‘Sprockets’ but not NEARLY as watchable.
Grade: F-
It’s sad to see a lot of this footage behind the fight that shouldn’t have been, but if you’re a fan of Holmes, Ali, boxing, or the importance of knowing when something’s over, it’s worth the pain.
Grade: B
1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’. Grade: B-
More of a really cr@ppy combination of a cheerleading movie and ultra-soft-core porn-for-guys than the campy, cheezy “cult classic” you might be expecting from shlockmeister Roger Corman. So it’s stupid and it’s dull and it’s not scary.
Watch this only after every episode of MST3K, ‘Troll 2’, ‘Hobo With A Shotgun’…
BUT…maybe before ‘Rubber’. Too close to call, really.
Fans of underwear sorority pillow fights in slow motion: A MUST-SEE!
I left that last line in especially so it can be misquoted by people with an interest in seeing this piece of dreck make money as “…A MUST-SEE!”
Grade: D-
Tries to be really dramatic, but fails. The “light” moments certainly don’t help, nor are they funny.
Leaves out huge chunks of the book and dumbs down the rest, which is just plain DUMB because it was all understandable AS IT WAS, in the book.
Here’s what I would do: Read the book.
It’s really short and very easy to read…and it’s brilliant while being simple. Understandable on a very basic level by mandate to junior-high students (I think, maybe even younger…these kids today, a lot smarter) but also a VERY “adult” book when you think about the themes/messages. Personally I think it’s just as good as ‘Nineteen Eighty-Four’ (the book).
This is nowhere NEAR as good as ‘Nineteen Eighty-Four’ (the movie).
Grade: D
My favorite part of this movie is that they say “canopy” a lot. And indeed, there’s a candid picture of one.
But I digress.
GREAT message, so-so animation/script, mediocre music, poor sound mix, HORRIBLE songs.
The message is pretty obvious, but how can you disagree with it? “Do Not Destroy Nature”.
And I appreciate the Three Stooges rip.
Ending Battle: Not quite “Force Of Nature”, but Green beats Black.
Inspirational Quote: “Humans can’t feel anything. They’re numb from the brain down.”
Grade: C-
5/11/14: A more candid grade. Grade: D+
I could do without the LONNNGGG pauses accompanied by monotonous minimalist piano score, but this documentary on eugenics is otherwise fairly interesting.
I may not agree with everything it’s trying to say (then again, I may not UNDERSTAND everything it’s trying to say) but I believe I can sum up the basic, simple message intended by the filmmaker thusly:
Eugenics SUCKS.
Or, regarding the “discoveries” of/from eugenics, I believe Ian Malcolm said it best:
“…what you call discovery, I call the rape of the natural world.”
Or for Star Trek fans:
*Khan* “We offered the world ORDER.”
*Kirk* “We?”
Grade: B-
1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’. Grade: C
Zombies don’t run.
At least, George Romero’s zombies don’t. And since this is a remake of a Romero film (see the title), you can attribute the speed of the zombies in this to one of two things: Either it’s an artistic attempt at improvement, or it’s a hackish attempt at making them more “scary”.
I think the second. And since the movie itself is pretty generic by undead standards and at times really DUMB, the “re-imagining” produces only one superior idea: “Let’s hire a few real actors.”
Not…good…enough.
The first five minutes or so are pretty good if you saw the original and haven’t read this review, admittedly.
Inspirational Exchange:
“We’re goin’ to the mall.”
*Pause* … “Sh1t.”
Grade: D
The only problems with this movie are that the script is poor and that it doesn’t have any good actors (which is a pretty big problem, seeing as how it’s a movie and all).
I mean, some of them are ok…but a few REALLY suck.
But the IDEAS are brilliant…Romero just isn’t a very good dialogue writer. At least, for every movie ’til ‘Land’. And after ‘Land’.
The gory nastiness has improved in “quality” from ‘Dawn’, if you care about that.
The only really notable acting performances (for being good) are Dr. Frankenstein and Bub. Franky-baby is a thoroughly convincing insane genius. And he, and his activities, lift the movie up a bit in terms of thought-provocation and level of interest. Everything else is pretty much irrelevant given the existence of ‘Night’, ‘Dawn’, and ‘Land’.
Inspirationally Cheezy Scene: “Dramatic” standoff complete with EXCITING music.
Grade: C
This film works so well because:
1) It adheres so closely to the novel, which was absolutely brilliant.
2) It makes no attempt whatsoever to glamorize or sanitize the utter bleakness of the world Orwell created/imagined/feared.
Since it follows the novel so well, it goes without saying that it’s well-written. It’s also well-acted. Could it have been better? Perhaps, a bit…but I don’t really think it needs to be.
If you’ve read the book, this still has considerable value. If you haven’t, this is an absolute must-see.
When you see it, you’ll know why. I hope.
Inspirational Quote: “No. Nothing’s real.”
Grade: A
Why anyone would want to WATCH ZZ Top instead of just listening to them (unless you’re actually at a concert) when there’s no elaborate “show” and really nothing besides the three of them playing their instruments and occasionally smiling (well, and talking…but you can HEAR that) is beyond me.
However, if you have any interest, the songs do sound a bit more raw live. Usually not quite as good, to me…but since they haven’t really been writing interesting new songs for quite a while, there’s at least no weak current-album tracks. And it goes without saying that they’ve got their material down cold.
Grade: B
There is virtually nothing here that is not in an episode of the series (see ‘Mr. Bean – The Whole Bean’) in a funnier version.
It tries to put a “story” in, but ‘Mr. Bean’ was never about brilliant stories…it was Rowan Atkinson’s cute cleverness on display. So unless you want to see a cr@ppy movie with sub-standard Bean antics in it, just watch the series. Some of the episodes, at least.
I reviewed them all, but I’d say episodes 3-7 would be enough for most people.
Think of it as Atkinson’s version of ‘And Now For Something Completely Different’: Americanized for your viewing boredom.
Grade: D-
I understand the tremendous potential, hypothetically speaking, of turning ‘Alice In Wonderland’ into a nightmarish horror film, given the sheer creepiness and lunacy of the original “children’s story”.
But this is just a badly made artsy-craftsy load of sh1t.
OR, maybe it’s a brilliant work of art, if I take the time to research every scene down to the minutest detail.
But I’m leaning strongly towards sh1t.
Not for kids. Not for adults either. Not for anyone that likes any sort of film.
Sort of like L.F. Dibley’s ‘Rear Window’, only MUCH, MUCH longer.
Grade: F-
Fantastic, inventive, creepy and occasionally adorable.
But most of the songs are unnecessary, boring and/or annoying.
Also, like Alice, I find that the repetitive sheer insanity does get a bit DULL after a while.
Grade: B-
If Nic Cage is a vampire, vampires really suck.
Bad movie featuring lots of EXTREME over-acting by Cage, which is the only point of interest and which, in this movie, is actually INTENDED to be funny. How he turned it into a career I’ll never know.
How much ultra-campy Nic Cage do you want, I guess is the question…lots of it here, nothing else.
The “alphabet” scene is probably my fav.
Inspirational Quote: “I’m a vampiah, I’m a vampiah, I’m a vampiah, I’m a vampiah, I’m a vampiah!”
Grade: D+
Not in English, with subtitles, but that doesn’t really matter in this case.
It’s intentionally slow and minimalist…it’s not trying to “entertain”, be a persuasive “documentary”…it’s trying to be a realistic historical document. So it is easy to follow what is being said, and at the same time take in the images and the emotions, many of which are fairly powerful.
Grade: B-
1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’. Grade: C
First almost-half: If you’re a Nirvana fan, probably nothing you haven’t heard/seen before. If you’re not, there’s no point anyway.
Mostly just a bunch of spliced together Kurt Loder commentaries.
Second little-more-than-half: quick political/social commentary, slight rehash, British voiceover guy sounding really deep. Better than the first if only cuz it’s more well-made.
Also some Butch Vig material that’s all regurgitated from ‘Nirvana: Nevermind’, which is a lot more interesting overall.
Last 20 minutes: interview/self-interview stuff you might find amusing or INCREDIBLY dull.
Highlight: Obviously heartfelt interview of Michael Stipe.
Grade: D+
1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’. Grade: D-
Alien invasion movie, similar to ‘The Puppet Masters’ in some respects.
Cool in the beginning, but as the story begins to unfold, you see the “layers” of it…which are pretty obvious and shallow, so it gets more stupid/cliche as it goes along.
Decent cast (check out Frodo in high school), ok FX…mildly interesting for fans of alien movies. Useless otherwise.
Highlight: Jon Stewart plays a “menacing” alien, which to me is by FAR the funniest part of the movie.
Grade: D
This is about as tasteless, pointless, senseless, and sensationalist as you can get WITHOUT being interesting in ANY way, shape, or form. And it’s actually “nun”. And the guns aren’t that big.
Grade: F-
If I had a strong opinion on clowns, for or against, I might appreciate this more.
As it is, it’s still pretty funny in an ultra-cheezy cr@p film sort of way, with some of the silliest dialogue ever uttered with a straight face. And the acting is good (that is, deadpan) enough to sell it as a “serious” movie, which is necessary in order to laugh at its sheer absurdity.
Inspirational Reaction To Shotgun Pointed In Face: “Shhhhh!”
Inspirational Quote: “Nobody stores cotton candy like this!”
Grade: C+
Ron Perlman’s name will attract ‘Hellboy’ fans in droves, but he’s much less interesting here as a grumpy old priest trying to bring some legitimacy to a fairly dull supernatural drama/”horror” flick.
Creepiest moment: The licking of Ron Perlman, creepy for licker and lickee.
Inspirational Quote: “She broke my healing hand!”
Grade: D-
Even more improvisational than ‘Whose Line’, but not as funny.
Stretches of boring, stretches of decent, moments of funny.
Anchored by Matt Besser and (more importantly and funny-ly) Amy Poehler, who provide most of the moments of funny.
Grade: C-
More of an “alien invasion” movie than a zombie movie…it’s very aggressive (the) stuff.
At the beginning (and let’s be fair, before it even started) I thought it was gonna suck.
But the scene cuts show a basic level of directing competence, there’s lots of gratuitous nudity in the beginning to lure you in (if you like that sort of thing), they spent the money on some gratuitous gory shots sprinkled throughout (if you like that sort of thing), and it seems to at least KNOW that it’s stupid and try to have a little fun with that in mind.
And, surprisingly, it does. It’s fairly witty/amusing/enjoyable, for what it is.
Featuring some fishermen who don’t catch any fish, BUT they do manage to snag a Forestry Service official briefly.
Recommended mildly to horror/gore parody fans.
Inspirational Quote: “Lick me, c@nt-biscuit!”
Grade: C-
Wow. What was he thinking?
Simplistic, predictable, tedious, bordering-on-laughable script/story with aspirations to grandiosity.
If you want an avatar, watch ‘Avatar’. If you want a bender, watch ‘Futurama’.
Grade: F
The jig is up, the news is out, I finally watched thee.
From Renegade, why was it made? Oh woe-oooo-oe IS me…
Etc, etc, etc…
It’s a lot like ’28 Days Later’, except it sucks. Lots of extreme over-drama. And lots of British and British-esque accents and slang, cuz everyone knows people dig that.
Also, there’s no gore. Apparently the disgusting special effects were scrapped over budgetary concerns.
1:02:35 – Vicious, completely unprovoked toupee assault.
SAME-DAY EDIT: I can never listen to “Forever Autumn” again…too depressing a thought.
Despite being listed at 110 minutes, the actual “zombie” part doesn’t start until around the 56 minute mark, inspiring the quote below.
Inspirational Quote: “This is gettin’ stupid…”
Grade: F
Well…yeah. I wasn’t aware of the ages-old blood feud between the two parties.
But, onward…the director’s fascination with quick cuts keeps the dull, boring “horror” film action moving forward at a FURIOUS pace.
Grade: D-
Ahhhhh…a Christmas movie!
Oops sorry…a non-religious-change-of-seasons movie!
Horrible acting/dialogue, woman hit by car (the “action” scene), horrible acting/dialogue.
And when I say horrible acting, I mean both that the acting itself is horrible, and that the type of horribleness changes frequently: sometimes severe-over, sometimes what-do-I-do-under.
And when I say horrible dialogue, I mean both that the dialogue itself is horrible, and that it’s spoken in horribly irregular patterns/tones: as if they didn’t actually rehearse and they’re just badly improvising how to say the horrible dialogue as they go along.
Other than that it’s great.
Grade: F-
John Carpenter’s ‘Decent Background Music Ruined By Really Awful Horror Flick’.
Grade: F
It’s so stupid it’s BRILLIANT. Well sort of.
Ultra-campy cr@p “horror” film. Cheezy 80’s music, hair and clothes adds to the effect.
Not exactly a proud moment in Danny Aiello’s career.
Moral: Never, ever eat throbbing, pulsating gooey substances of unknown origin.
Grade: C-
7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: C
A psychokinetic tire rolls around and blows things up.
That’s it. Really.
The intro “explanation” ruins any chance this has of being the next ‘Troll 2’: a truly sincere piece of utter horsesh1t, and the (very slight) “artiness” ruins any chance of it being the next ‘Hobo With A Shotgun’: a truly campy piece of utter horsesh1t.
It’s certainly got “tasteless” and “pointless” down, but because it’s one of the stupidest things I’ve ever seen, it struggles mightily to nab “interesting”.
Grade: D-
Brand remarks in hyper fashion on language/semantics, “celebrity”, himself, mocking stupid people that mock him, and (of course) sex. Not nearly as “shocking” or “taboo” as some people’s reaction to him might lead you to believe. Pretty funny, though.
Grade: B-
A completely necessary historical document.
Interesting in part one, moreso in part two, riveting by the middle of part three.
Grade: B+
1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’. Grade: B
When you’re desperate for something outside of Hollywood to be revelatory, a well-intentioned and well-made but fairly non-descript (besides the scenery) and mostly boring movie such as this can seem to be reason for celebration.
It’s a small variation on a very old theme, and not a very good one. The last 15 minutes or so are interesting and somewhat moving…but there’s no need to watch the rest of it.
Grade: D+
