Category: Movie/Long Subject Reviews

Like fellow bad-taste satirists Monty Python (when they felt like it) only not nearly as cleverly or with as much ease, Kevin Smith is both expressing some deep, heartfelt opinions and laughing his A$$ off at the same time.  Also like Monty Python, he’d like it to make people think and he’d like it to make a difference, but if it doesn’t, and it doesn’t…and you don’t like it, what the fck does he care?

So I have to admire the man’s attitude, at least.  He’s an individual, you’re an individual.  This is how he thinks (and laughs).  And suggestions that this movie is in any way “offensive” are absurd: you know what it is beforehand, if the subject matter would offend you, don’t watch it.  It’s called freedom of expression.  He expresses his by making it, you express your opinion that it’s a pile of sh1t by not watching it.

Is it heretical and blasphemous?  Of course it is.  Is it “offensive”? *Shrug* I don’t think so.

If you pay close attention, you’ll see that Smith is not attacking faith: he’s attacking blind faith, he’s attacking intolerance, he’s attacking hypocrisy.  What his faith is, or is not, I couldn’t really care less about…that has no impact on me (since I am my own person) or on the film (since it is an entity of itself, formed in Smith’s head but made well outside of it).

In terms of the actual QUALITY of the MOVIE, I’d have to say it’s not nearly as good as Smith wants it to be, but still good enough to be worth watching.  He’s just not a good enough writer to fully pull off a ‘Life Of Brian’.  So it lags in parts and is downright boring and stupid in other parts.  But there are GREAT moments, and if you just concentrate on those I have faith it will get you through the entire movie.  I don’t BELIEVE that…but I have a good idea.

Some of the moments are truly funny, and some (surprisingly) are truly moving.

Fav characters, paired up in a “Good” vs. “Evil” tag-team match:

Metatron and Jay vs. Loki and Bartleby

Inspirational Quote: “Do you know much, about voodoo?  It’s a fascinating practice…no real doctrine of faith to speak of, more an arrangement of superstitions…”

Grade: B

5/25/16: I did not underrate ‘Life Of Brian’, nor did I overrate this. I just made a comparison based on somewhat distant memory. They both possess periods of tedium, but here it’s more of the “get ON with it…” variety; overly wordy in the Tolkien sense. This is clearly better, overall. I suppose in twenty years this could reverse, but I don’t think either one of them is good enough (or bad enough) to really worry about that. Grade: B

Rockin’ intro. 

But the horror stories are pretty mediocre and unexceptional.  And they get progressively worse.

Best moment: Soylent Green-ish warning.

Grade: D-

Psychological horror/drama.  Mostly B-grade, but featuring a decent Scully lookalike.

Displaying once again the wisdom of “liking” a serial killer.

1:06:38-54 – The danger of inanimate objects.

Grade: D+

Spoiler: They don’t find him.  Why not?  He’s dead, that’s why not.

An alarming trend: Movies-as-documentaries, to justify the sh1tty quality.

Consistently dull and tedious.  And pretentious.  Try ‘In The Mouth Of Madness’ instead.

1:19:19 – There’s logistically illogical blood on that thar face!
1:23:39 – Suggested rewrite: “Haikiba!”

Favorite Scene: Driving on a road, cut to view of Earth from space, back to driving on road.  Just to give us a better sense of where exactly they are.

Grade: F

Most of this is just cheap action/”drama” flick, all noise and commotion and trite “sentimentality”…adolescent instead of adult, which was perfect for me at the time it came out, but not so much now.  I used to hate when that happened…now I can generally see it coming.

But I enjoy this movie (somewhat) as a guilty pleasure.

Mainly because of Emilio Estevez as Billy the Kid: Smiling like an evil cherub, fresh-faced and harmless back-and-forth with cold-blooded and merciless, fearless and with lots of wisecracks at both ends that he finds hilarious even if noone else does.  And sometimes I do.

Quality admired in the real Billy: Loyalty.

Inspirational Quote: “Hey Peppin…Charlie Crawford ain’t with ya anymore.”

Grade: D+

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Gotta love Billy. Grade: C-

If you take this (as you should) as a lighthearted, tasteless, self-mocking treatment of its subject matter (which, while admittedly brilliant, is ripe for such a treatment)…it’s sorta fun.  Coulda been a lot BETTER, but not bad.

Inspirational Quote: “I’ll never be your dungeonmaster again.”

Grade: C

How many different variations do Joss Whedon fans really need on Joss Whedon? 

Wittiness having flatlined at the same level for years, fairly amusing, kinda sweet, kinda sappy, kinda cliche, teen-angst “romantic”, eye-roll inducing and hard to take at times, mainstream enough for a normal person but made for a dork, dumb enough for everyone but made for a 21-35 year old demographic, that guy from ‘Firefly’…over and over and over again, in different settings.

This one’s got sh1tty songs, too!

Grade: D

A great horror movie to watch if you don’t want to be scared. 

Somewhat creepy at a few points, but mostly just really silly.  Perhaps this is “family-friendly” horror?

More interesting holes: Black, Portable, Rebel Set.

Grade: F

1/28/13: Suggested propaganda quote: “A great horror movie…”.  Grade: F

Halfway decent setup quickly turns into dull cr@ppy zombie flick.

Grade: F

Visually and thematically brilliant.

Intelligent, provocative, creepy, and well-written.

Cruise’s character functions with the precision and speed of a highly effective machine.  No surprise, since it’s Tom Cruise.  Although he does show one emotion very convincingly: Anger.

At one point there’s an act of timing that makes that one really impressive moment from ‘Ink’ watchable, without having to watch ‘Ink’.

Peter Stormare plays an intelligent weirdo.  Big surprise.  He plays him very well.  Bigger surprise.

Let me guess:  There are people today who don’t find this frightening, but rather a comforting hope for the (according to some of what I’ve read, very near) future.  After all, with continued technological and scientific advancement inherently comes continued human moral advancement.

Just have to work the kinks out.

One hour, 32 minutes: Behold, the on-your-knees worship of ultimate biological perfection.  The machine has not become the ultimate human being, the human being has become the ultimate machine.  Does it make any difference?

Dig the efficient, fully automated factory…human workers required: NONE!

One problem: The ending is too quick and too simplistic compared to the rest.

Inspirational Quote(s): “…I like you, so…”

Grade: A

3/29/17: “Specify.” The mistake made is completely out of character, given all the rest. It’s like Spock’s mishandle in ‘Balance Of Terror’.

“In other words, he…”
“And that, is impossible.”

FAIR USE: CRITICISM – A very good clip from a mediocre episode.

I wonder how many people are disappointed at the final target. A$$holes. Grade: A

Great, Japan.  You’ve made the stupidest movie in the history of the world.

I was going to explain in detail how AWFUL every single thing about this movie was until I realized I just couldn’t stop laughing.  For the first part.  During the second part I went back and forth between laughing, yawning, and checking how much time was left.

Inspirational Quote: “I don’t want to watch this.”

Grade: C-

Quick setup into short movies.  The intro is decent and (more importantly) quick and the interludes/finale are well-made and, as advertised, both theatrical and bizarre.

First feature: Very silly.  GREAT relationship: He obviously is with her for her amazing conversational abilities (and she’s great in the sack).  She obviously is with him because she shares his deep spiritual/historical curiosity (and he’s great in the sack).

Second feature: Well-acted and fairly convincing.  Ah…L’Amour.

Third feature: Tom Savini directing…opening reaction: YAY!
Abusive husband deals with some very disturbing dreams.  Intelligent and creepy.  And gory, of course…Savini’s gotta flex the mastery he’s developed over the years.  Nay, decades.

Fourth feature: Ruminations on life and death.  Fairly interesting.

Fifth feature: Clever, creepy, gory, thought-provoking, and extremely disturbing.  The best.

Sixth feature: Sickeningly-sweet ruminations on inane breakup cliches and shallow, self-centered, self-absorbed scumbags.

It’s all quite gruesome and somewhat artsy, but if you can deal with (or prefer) that sort of thing, it’s pretty good overall.

Grade: B-

Mostly hype. 

A collection of short horror films with a bad setup to get to them.

As far as such things go, it’s pretty well made.  It’s not intentionally ragged/chaotic to adhere to the “setup”.  It’s intentionally ragged/chaotic because that’s easier and a LOT cheaper to make, and some people prefer it.  Call me a cynic, but I’m 6.9 on that.

Unfortunately the only “shorts” worth watching beyond technical achievement awards are the first (which begins when they pop in the first tape) and the last (which begins after the setup screeches to a halt).

First: ‘When Horrible Things Happen To Drunk Men’
Fifth: ‘Random Creepy Sounds And Images’

Fifth doesn’t begin til around 1:39:30.  Everything in between is useless sh1t.

Grade: D

Same-Day Edit: Ok, so it’s creepy throughout.  So is a bad ‘Twilight Zone’ episode.  You know, the ones where it’s all buildup buildup buildup and then BAM…nothing.  That’s this movie, except for the first short (which is pretty scary as well as creepy) and the mish-mash ending (which doesn’t make much sense to me but IS very creepy, and chaotic, and has a real ending). 

So watch the first, skip to 1:39:30, watch the chaos until you’ll-know-when, turn it off, and pretend the rest was any good.  Because it wasn’t.  Grade: D+

As D+D/fantasy movies from my childhood go, this doesn’t hold up anywhere near as well as ‘Clash Of The Titans’.  The special effects are pitiful even by the standards of the day, and the story is utterly simplistic.

But I can’t help but retain a certain fondness for it…and it did in some small way help inspire my subsequent (and lasting) love for fantasy/roleplaying.  Who knows, without this and movies like it I might never have gleefully selected the relatively new ‘Monster Manual’ as a prized birthday gift: great cover, and perfect for repeated front-to-back readings on rainy days.  It’s wise to study the ways of one’s enemies, after all.

Anyone under 30 but older than, say, 8 and anyone with no interest in D+D should ignore this.

Nostalgia fans and hard-core fans of the genre will probably enjoy it in a wistful way, perhaps even smiling slightly at the relative simplicity and innocence of the story and of the time, in reality, that it evokes.

Grade: D

Ok, so supposedly this is Vampires/Werewolves For Morons.

And in a lot of ways, it is.  The story is often cliche and never really surprising in any way.  Aside from Kate Beckinsale and (to a lesser extent) Scott Speedman, and maybe a coupla others with bit parts so who gives a sh1t, the acting is pretentious, cliche, and dull.

The “romance” is pretty predictable, but it’s still kinda fun to watch because it involves the only two relevant characters that aren’t pretentious, cliche, and dull.

The FX are good and it’s very stylish and dark in a smooth, seemingly effortless way.  Which is great during action scenes, but useless when something has to be acted out, explained, or discussed.

Based on her acrobatic ability, deadliness, funky black outfit and taste for blood I dub Beckinsale’s character ‘Aeon Sux’. She speaks with a British accent so that makes her more interesting, of course.  And what she says by definition has more meaning, as well.

So yeah, it’s pretty fcken dumb.  But it’s well-made enough that it’s a bit of fun if you like this sort of thing.  Vampires, werewolves, forbidden romances, dark gothiness, extreme pretension…stuff like that.

Further installments promise to suck.

As for sides, how can you take one?  I mean, what do the vampires and werewolves both do?  They try to kill each other.  Isn’t that what different groups of humans do? 

Extreme power, same base unevolved morality.

I’ll take the guard dogs any day.  If only the vampires hadn’t imitated humans yet again, and taught them to be vicious when they’re born to be loving.

Grade: D+

I wondered, at first, why this was a popular view on Netflix streaming recently.  Then I thought, “Hey…wasn’t this actually a REAL movie-theater movie recently?”.  Then I found out it totally bombed.  Then I realized WHY it was available on Netflix streaming.  Then I realized that when it comes to new horror movies, beggars can’t be choosers.

Professional waste of time.  Except for the extra that decides to check out the lead’s a$$.

Grade: F

Martin Luther King, Jr. was a great man who achieved great things.

But this documentary isn’t great.  It’s a simple recital of facts, as dry as a textbook but not as informative.  Everything contained in it is better off read/researched, as there is very little emotional appeal to this presentation.

Grade: D

What technically is the main story: the “vikings”, training, dragon life, humans vs. dragons…is merely ok.  A lot of the dialogue is mediocre/predictable, a lot of the characters are boring, and even some of the DRAGONS are boring.

The three things that make this movie worth watching:
The impressive visuals, particularly the flying scenes (which at their best recall ‘Avatar’).
The score, which seems to mesh most effectively when paired with a flying scene and/or boy/dragon scene.
The friendship between boy and dragon, which is truly touching and the REAL focus of the movie.

Most of the other relationships seem forced, inserted out of necessity, and/or sappy/dull.

There’s a movie-long allegory here about not judging books by their covers, mutual acceptance, respect of differences between all, etc…which I AGREE with completely, but it’s a bit too obviously stated for me.  And I already knew all of that.

So it’s a bit too childish…great for kids both to watch and enjoy and to hopefully learn from, but too dumbed-down for my taste.  I still enjoy it, though…I just think, every time it hits a high point and then drops to a low point, that it could have been a lot better if it was more ambitious.

GREAT ending, though.

Inspirational Quote(s): “…we have…DRAGONS.”

Grade: B-

Not funny, sexy, clever, or sci-fi.

Just bad.

I think I’d rather see ‘Mad Girls From Bars’.  Maybe Roger Corman is working on that.

Grade: F

John Landis is one of the few voices of “Yes, this IS a sea of sh1t” reason amongst a vast array of people trying to give any meaning at all to cr@ppy 70’s exploitation films shot in the Philippines.  So most of this documentary is as meaningless as those movies, but it’s fun to laugh at, especially at the pretentiousness of some of the “This has real value!” proponents, most notably Roger Corman.

Grade: B-

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’.  Grade: C-

OK…up to around the 57-58 minute mark this movie is just really: stupid, silly, campy, ridiculous, and disgusting.  But I am fairly certain all the time I’m watching that it was meant to be, and this assurance and hope for eventual payoff keeps me somewhat interested.

Then something happens (wait for it…), and it just reaches that ‘Dead Alive’ level of sublime absurdity that is actually quite rare, both by movies TRYING to reach it, and by those that just happen to reach it by accident.  Therefore it becomes interesting to laugh at and say/think “What the FCK is this???”, if you don’t mind complete tastelessness/camp.

Think ‘RoboCop’ meets ‘Star Wars’ in some really silly alternate universe.

Re: ‘Pupdate – 1/14/13’: I said “soon”.

Inspirational Quote: “I wanna go home!”

Grade: C-

Nein.

Time spent coming up with pre-emptive review: 2 seconds.

Time spent watching movie as a necessary evil to fully and completely confirm the accuracy of pre-emptive review: 5,441 seconds.

That’s the painful but necessary price of critical integrity.

This is INCREDIBLY bad, making me wonder why it wasn’t MST’d…it’s basically ‘Mitchell’ meets a really dull, sad version of ‘Alien’ while listening to WKRP in Cin-ci-nahhh-ti.

Grade: F-

The information on Vlad the Impaler DOES come, after about 45-50 minutes.  Until then it’s basically a study of Bram Stoker and the influences on the creation of his most famous book.  And near the end it turns into a documentary/tourist guide of Romania.

Sometimes it’s quite interesting and at other times it’s dull…it could have been much better given the subject matter.

Also, it features a woman who seems WAY too interested in vampires.  I’m not an expert on body language, but if you gently play with your hair while talking about “sexy” and “beautiful” vampires, I’m gonna guess that suggests something.  (boom-chikka wah wah).

Grade: B-

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’.  Grade: C-

If you’re a friend of Emily Hagins, AKA “Zombie Girl”, you’ve seen this already and probably thought it was really fun to watch.  I’m sure she had fun making it, too, just like ‘Pathogen’.  It’s probably better than anything I could ever make.

Unfortunately, that’s as much “praise” as I can POSSIBLY give this.  A movie written and directed by an 18-year-old, while a LOT better than one written and directed by a then-12-year-old, is still pretty amateurish, predictable, and dull for the rest of the viewing public beyond friends/family.

At least, this one is.

That’s all, really.  End of cute story.  ‘Zombie Girl’ is probably the most interesting thing she’ll ever be involved in.  I mean, come on…fun is fun, but unless she starts actually improving noticeably as a REAL filmmaker, there’s really no point in going on making films.  I don’t grade on a curve…if it sucks, it sucks.  And this does.

At least she titled it appropriately.

Grade: F

Some interesting thoughts on the purpose and usefulness of different forms of dreaming.

Grade: B-

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’.  Grade: C+

8/28/13: BABY DON’T HURT ME, DON’T HURT ME, NO MORE!!  Grade: C+

The trials and tribulations of a visionary filmmaker whose magnificent festerings are only held up by the persistent problems of others, who are invariably less talented than he is.

This is for people for whom watching the final, pristine cut of B-movies isn’t enough.  They need the raw footage, before all the grandeur is stripped away by slick editing.

Actually in all seriousness it’s a documentary that’s as dull as the subject matter demands, unless it’s MST-ing itself, which is only occasionally.

Inspirational Quote: “I’m not Picasso.  I’m more like the guy who paints Elvis on velvet.”

Grade: D

Generic cr@ppy zombie flick, until the hissing slugs make an appearance.  Then it gets campy/gory in a bit of a ‘Slither’ vein, but not nearly as good/funny/interesting/visually impressive.  And of course there’s cr@ppy incidental music.

Features two guys going up to a cabin for a towjob.

Knowledge gained: When a friend is being eaten alive by a zombie and screaming desperately for help, do more than poke the offending zombie with the stick end of a broom repeatedly in an attempt to shoo it off.

Grade: D

Cr@ppy zombie movie, filmed in grainy Haze-Cam.

Features lots of cr@ppy, out of place incidental music.  And bad dialogue/acting, of course.

If only the main characters’ alarm clocks hadn’t gone off, this movie need never have been made.

Knowledge gained: Zombies are destroyed by stock footage.

Inspirational Exchange:

Man: “I wasn’t always a priest.”
(several minutes later)
Woman: “You weren’t always a priest, were you?”

Grade: F-

Somewhat informative, somewhat absurd, often repetitive “documentary” on the zombie idea.

Grade: D

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: D+

What a complete RIPOFF.

It starts out good enough…seems fairly witty, intelligent, well-acted, well-made.

But besides (infrequent) zombies, it’s NOTHING like the original.  I would liken it more to ‘Return’ but it’s NOT funny.  It’s also not scary.  It also gets boring about half an hour in when you begin to wonder when it’s actually going to START.

Character development is great.  But only when the characters then do stuff.

It’s cleverly made in that it puts forth a good opening and since you KNOW it’s gonna eventually turn into ‘Night 2012’, you keep watching.  But it doesn’t.  Ever.  Really.  I watched the WHOLE THING.

Just cashing in on the name, basically.  And except for first-time viewers who haven’t heard what a piece of sh1t it is (like me), it will attract NO type of audience.  Not gore fans, not horror fans, not horror parody fans, not even die-hard Romero fans.

Upped a notch for the decent but meaningless beginning, and to prevent having to add it to my F list.  I have SOME standards.

Grade: D-

3/11/13: Why didn’t I notice that this was a prequel to the cr@ppy 2006 ‘Night’ “remake” until well after I’d finished watching it?  Because the 2006 version was so terrible I didn’t bother to review it.  There.  Accurate AND precise!  Grade: D-

A post-apocalypse movie.  Cause: extreme heat.

It’s well made and acted enough to be “authentic”, but the dialogue is as persistently lifeless and dull as the landscape.

Nothing special.  Subtitles if you care, and kinda boring regardless.  The ‘Twilight Zone’ heat episode is much better, if you insist on a heat disaster subject.

Grade: D

Interesting and well-made documentary about CleanFlicks in particular and the edited-movie business in general, as well as some of the people that were involved in it.

Obviously since it was made by people it’s subjective, but overall the stance is fairly neutral: it presents a clear viewpoint, but it doesn’t show and say ONLY those things that back up that viewpoint.  So it’s opinionated without being completely propagandic…which is good, because if you’re denouncing preachy behavior it’s a good idea not to preach about it.

Grade: B

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’.  Grade: C+

A quote and a comment open this movie.  Both are creepy-interesting.

Then the movie begins.

Is it creepy?  It’s about a girlfriend eating her boyfriend…so yeah.

But it’s ALL mood.  I mean ALL.  Dark, creepy mood.  Bad (infrequent) dialogue, bad acting, bad arty attempts, bad SFX (the gore in any zombie flick is more “realistic” than this).  And after a while dark, creepy mood becomes dull, monotonous repetitive mood.

To close, two guest reviews:

Larry: “Let’s pluck him, and see if he’s ripe!”

Monty Python (paraphrased):

*Derek Hart* “Nude man, what did you make of that?”
*Nude Man* “Well, don’t you see, that was exactly the kind of explicit…reference I’m objecting to. It’s titillation for the sake of it. A deliberate attempt at cheap sensationalism. I don’t care what the so-called avant-garde, left-wing, intellectual namby-pambies say…It is filth!”
*Derek Hart* Bishop.
*The Bishop* Okay, don’t anybody eat!

Grade: F

A combination of mediocre horror flick and attempt-at gripping post-apocalyptic drama.

It’s more the second, along the lines of ’28 Days Later’/’The Book Of Eli’ (much more ‘Eli’, though, especially with the recurring religious themes).

Of course it’s not nearly as GOOD as either of those films…it’s not bad and it’s fairly watchable, but it’s pretty predictable.  I didn’t discover any surprises, at least.

The “sidekick”/kid is actually a lot more convincing than the lead/”hero”.  None of the other characters really make an impression despite some of them trying really hard, and the whole thing is a bit overwrought.  But it doesn’t really make you think much, if that’s a bonus for you.

There’s a part where the narrator says “small talk stopped”.  Lucky break for the screenwriter.  And of course shortly after that there’s a moment when it’s quiet…TOO quiet…

A: They had a great cheezy hit with “Kyrie”
Q: Why would it be cool if the lead’s last name was the same as his first?

Inspirationally Dumb Tactical Move: “Let’s leave the pregnant sleeping girl alone.”

Grade: C-

Subject of mockumentary: Really Cr@ppy B-Movies.

But despite the unbelievably easy target provided, it only hits “mildly amusing”, and even that only occasionally.  So if you liked ‘This Is Spinal Tap’ or ‘Best In Show’, well…so did I, but this kinda sucks.

Although as a B-grade mockumentary of B-grade movies, there’s a certain symmetry of mediocrity there.

Grade: D-

Somewhat interesting documentary of Michael Jordan’s one-season baseball career: why it happened, how it went, and why it ended.

Grade: C+

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’.  Grade: D+

…and the question is:  When will the world’s supply of disposable paper products replenish itself?

Features lots of interviews with former porn stars and people in the porn business.

I don’t know HOW, but this makes porn actually seem kinda meaningless. 

Honestly, it is kinda sad to see the real, emotional, human reasons why some of these women (and men…but mostly women) got into porn in the first place; reasons that invariably tend toward loneliness, abandonment, and self-esteem issues.

Not really sure what the target audience is here, though…
Men that used to jerk off to these women that actually care about them as people?
OR…
Men/Women that actually care about them as people, who also want to see the many nude scenes sprinkled throughout?

Grade: C

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’.  Grade: D

The title is the most cleverly enjoyable part of watching the movie.

Not scary, and since it’s a straight-out parody the one or (maybe) two laughs and couple of mildly interesting moments (all in the first half) don’t make it worth watching.

What a waste of time and dull mostly-professional competence.

Grade: D-

Started to watch this…found it to be an inferior version of ‘Masters Of Horror’, with worse scripts/acting/directing…stopped.  I wasn’t afraid, I was bored.

I almost ALWAYS make it a rule to watch every single minute of something before I review it, just on the OFF chance I might miss some great revelation that makes the first 99% worth slogging through.  So take this as an “incomplete”, and torture yourself if you want to.  You MIGHT like it.  But based on the evidence I saw, I’m 6.9 you won’t.  Unless you have really bad taste, or you JUST CAN’T GET ENOUGH…dun dun dun dun dun da da dun dun.

Pretentious artsy cr@p.  About as meaningful as ‘Sprockets’ but not NEARLY as watchable.

Grade: F-

It’s sad to see a lot of this footage behind the fight that shouldn’t have been, but if you’re a fan of Holmes, Ali, boxing, or the importance of knowing when something’s over, it’s worth the pain.

Grade: B

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’.  Grade: B-

More of a really cr@ppy combination of a cheerleading movie and ultra-soft-core porn-for-guys than the campy, cheezy “cult classic” you might be expecting from shlockmeister Roger Corman.  So it’s stupid and it’s dull and it’s not scary.

Watch this only after every episode of MST3K, ‘Troll 2’, ‘Hobo With A Shotgun’…

BUT…maybe before ‘Rubber’.  Too close to call, really.

Fans of underwear sorority pillow fights in slow motion: A MUST-SEE!

I left that last line in especially so it can be misquoted by people with an interest in seeing this piece of dreck make money as “…A MUST-SEE!”

Grade: D-

Tries to be really dramatic, but fails.  The “light” moments certainly don’t help, nor are they funny.

Leaves out huge chunks of the book and dumbs down the rest, which is just plain DUMB because it was all understandable AS IT WAS, in the book.

Here’s what I would do:  Read the book.

It’s really short and very easy to read…and it’s brilliant while being simple.  Understandable on a very basic level by mandate to junior-high students (I think, maybe even younger…these kids today, a lot smarter) but also a VERY “adult” book when you think about the themes/messages.  Personally I think it’s just as good as ‘Nineteen Eighty-Four’ (the book). 

This is nowhere NEAR as good as ‘Nineteen Eighty-Four’ (the movie).

Grade: D

My favorite part of this movie is that they say “canopy” a lot.  And indeed, there’s a candid picture of one.

But I digress.

GREAT message, so-so animation/script, mediocre music, poor sound mix, HORRIBLE songs.

The message is pretty obvious, but how can you disagree with it? “Do Not Destroy Nature”.

And I appreciate the Three Stooges rip.

Ending Battle: Not quite “Force Of Nature”, but Green beats Black.

Inspirational Quote: “Humans can’t feel anything.  They’re numb from the brain down.”

Grade: C-

5/11/14: A more candid grade.  Grade: D+

I could do without the LONNNGGG pauses accompanied by monotonous minimalist piano score, but this documentary on eugenics is otherwise fairly interesting.

I may not agree with everything it’s trying to say (then again, I may not UNDERSTAND everything it’s trying to say) but I believe I can sum up the basic, simple message intended by the filmmaker thusly:

Eugenics SUCKS.

Or, regarding the “discoveries” of/from eugenics, I believe Ian Malcolm said it best:
“…what you call discovery, I call the rape of the natural world.”

Or for Star Trek fans:
*Khan* “We offered the world ORDER.”
*Kirk* “We?”

Grade: B-

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’.  Grade: C

Zombies don’t run. 

At least, George Romero’s zombies don’t.  And since this is a remake of a Romero film (see the title), you can attribute the speed of the zombies in this to one of two things: Either it’s an artistic attempt at improvement, or it’s a hackish attempt at making them more “scary”. 

I think the second.  And since the movie itself is pretty generic by undead standards and at times really DUMB, the “re-imagining” produces only one superior idea: “Let’s hire a few real actors.”

Not…good…enough.

The first five minutes or so are pretty good if you saw the original and haven’t read this review, admittedly.

Inspirational Exchange:
“We’re goin’ to the mall.”
*Pause* … “Sh1t.”

Grade: D

The only problems with this movie are that the script is poor and that it doesn’t have any good actors (which is a pretty big problem, seeing as how it’s a movie and all).

I mean, some of them are ok…but a few REALLY suck.

But the IDEAS are brilliant…Romero just isn’t a very good dialogue writer.  At least, for every movie ’til ‘Land’.  And after ‘Land’.

The gory nastiness has improved in “quality” from ‘Dawn’, if you care about that.

The only really notable acting performances (for being good) are Dr. Frankenstein and Bub. Franky-baby is a thoroughly convincing insane genius.  And he, and his activities, lift the movie up a bit in terms of thought-provocation and level of interest.  Everything else is pretty much irrelevant given the existence of ‘Night’, ‘Dawn’, and ‘Land’.

Inspirationally Cheezy Scene: “Dramatic” standoff complete with EXCITING music.

Grade: C

This film works so well because:
1) It adheres so closely to the novel, which was absolutely brilliant.
2) It makes no attempt whatsoever to glamorize or sanitize the utter bleakness of the world Orwell created/imagined/feared.

Since it follows the novel so well, it goes without saying that it’s well-written.  It’s also well-acted.  Could it have been better?  Perhaps, a bit…but I don’t really think it needs to be.

If you’ve read the book, this still has considerable value.  If you haven’t, this is an absolute must-see.

When you see it, you’ll know why.  I hope.

Inspirational Quote: “No.  Nothing’s real.”

Grade: A

Why anyone would want to WATCH ZZ Top instead of just listening to them (unless you’re actually at a concert) when there’s no elaborate “show” and really nothing besides the three of them playing their instruments and occasionally smiling (well, and talking…but you can HEAR that) is beyond me.

However, if you have any interest, the songs do sound a bit more raw live.  Usually not quite as good, to me…but since they haven’t really been writing interesting new songs for quite a while, there’s at least no weak current-album tracks.  And it goes without saying that they’ve got their material down cold.

Grade: B

There is virtually nothing here that is not in an episode of the series (see ‘Mr. Bean – The Whole Bean’) in a funnier version.

It tries to put a “story” in, but ‘Mr. Bean’ was never about brilliant stories…it was Rowan Atkinson’s cute cleverness on display.  So unless you want to see a cr@ppy movie with sub-standard Bean antics in it, just watch the series.  Some of the episodes, at least. 

I reviewed them all, but I’d say episodes 3-7 would be enough for most people.

Think of it as Atkinson’s version of ‘And Now For Something Completely Different’: Americanized for your viewing boredom.

Grade: D-