Category: MST3K Reviews

Very vaguely Batman-ish ripoff movie featuring dullness and dull cheeze.

Just watch the short.

Highlights:
Cheating short

Inspirational Quote: “There are not enough belltowers in the world for Johnny.”

Grade: D

Really horrible Corman western.  Look for the frequent/flagrant mistakes.

Highlights:
Servo’s big fluffy head
two guys in a horse outfit
jeep tracks of the ollllld west.

Grade: D+

Pearl leaves very quickly, thankfully.  But there’s still a troubling lack of Frank.

It’s a monster movie.  Monster = creepy ugly long-faced guy.  It’s very boring, so thankfully it’s short.  But since they use all their best riffs on the even-shorter short, there’s not much point in watching it.

Highlights:
The Chicken Of Tomorrow short (in a deadly battle against the Chicken of Today)
fake-newspaper mocking

Inspirational Quote: “…so put your mouth under a chicken.”

Grade: D+

Short is strongly recommended to potentially-smitten logic worshippers.

Movie is the inevitable combination of mob non-intrigue and LOTS of very silly female wrestling.  Incredibly bad.  Recommended to Ed Wood fans.

Highlights:
persistent Lisa Loeb
Are You Ready For Marriage? short feat. the pseudo-scientific method
boing
horrific editing/run-on dialogue
decent riffing

Inspirational Quote: “My loins will never stir again.”

Grade: B-

Brain-guys first appear, make lots of amoeba comments.  Spock did it better.

Movie is mediocre drama that turns into really cheezy non-scary horror/drama.  Spoiler alert: It’s sort of like the “incredibly resilient man” in practice.

Highlights:
mostly-decent riffing
Crow T. Robot’s ‘Civil War’
divining jokes

Inspirational Quote: “The little lady oughta be down to her twelfth layer o’ slip by now.”

Grade: C-

This is the one with “Big Stupid”. 

Movie’s pretty dull/dreary but it’s not so bad that it’s completely laughable.  In short, it sucks.

Riffing starts off dull, like the movie, but gets better near the middle.

Highlights:
Evil Event Days
money jokes
the scene that inspired ‘Fight Club’

Inspirational Quote: “Sorry for being warm, tender and accommodating.”

Grade: C

I don’t see much difference between this and other Connery 007 films.  Except the budget, of course.

Highlights:
Joel 007 sketch
Bond references
visit from Torgo
decent riffing

Inspirational Quote: “Good GOD I’m ugly…”

Grade: C+

I refuse.

Good luck.

5/1/24: I dared on some. Meh.

Small spider incursion.  Spiders joined in their attack by cr@ppy large puppets.

Segments are dull “Body Snatchers” riffs, riffing is nothing special.

Highlights:
Wisconsin jokes
some Joe named Cooper

Inspirational Quote: “…it just might work.”

Grade: D

Really cheezy “superhero” movie with REALLY cheezy music.

Highlights:
ACTION music/SUPER foley
dull yet silly things
mostly-good riffing

Inspirational Quote: “Come any way you like…but come.”

Grade: C+

Mamie Van Doren acts “rebellious”, Paul Anka acts ultra-sweet and sings dumb songs, mild ‘Reform School Girls’ shenanigans occur.  Lots of slang and dull moments.

Highlights:
Tom Servo’s scat
decent riffing

Inspirational Quote: “If you sing I’ll become a personal representative of Satan, so help me…”

Grade: C

6/25/13: See ‘Zombie Nightmare’.  Grade: D+

Roger Corman sh1t.  Lots of dull stuff happens, with LOTS of padding.

If you want to see an early attempt at women-in-prison and catfighting that Corman would perfect later (when he realized it made much more money than SERIOUS cr@ppy movies), this will do nicely.

Highlights:
old-Trek parodying intro
What To Do On A Date short
Touch Conners getting a little pre-emptive ‘Space Mutiny’ treatment
decent riffing

Inspirational Quote: “Kay’s worked on the kill floor, she knows where to deliver the blow.”

Grade: B-

Ed Wood film that’s no better or worse than most of these.  Very, very dull though.

With mostly dull riffing.  Just watch the short unless you’re desperate.

Highlights:
Hired! part one
the bird

Inspirational Quote: “So…time for booze.”

Grade: D+

Cr@ppy villain tries to take over the world.  Mostly boring, including the riffs. 

I feel their pain.

Highlights:
Servo’s intro-singing
the story of Fu Manchu sketch

Grade: D-

Another cr@ppy-fantasy “epic”. 

They seem a little more into ripping this one than the previous MST review, though.

Highlights:
Sinbad(?)-mocking sketch
mostly-decent riffing
fish fascination/fear

Inspirational Quote: “No, wait, stop, don’t.”

Grade: C-

Stupid fantasy cr@p.

Pretty generic, and the riffing is mostly uninspired.  A few good quips scattered throughout.

Definitely getting near the end of the “worth reviewing” pile here.

Highlights:
really quick D+D
lots of dogs

Inspirational Quote: “The legend of Boggy Creek had more depth.”

Grade: D

Apparently this is what zombies dream about.  Poor things.

Cr@ppy 80’s “zombie” version of ‘The Crow’.  No flesh-eating; one slow, buff, hairy dead guy.

Riffing only ok, unfortunately.

Highlights:
really sad “rebellion”
low-key sheep lady: a fascinating practice
ratty guy invents new alignment: “Chaotic Stupid”

Grade: C-

6/25/13: Sometimes when I’m in a good mood I give too high a grade.  Also, sometimes when I’m in a bad mood I give too high a grade.  I forget which was responsible for this.  Grade: D

Is it about a teenager who strangles, or someone who strangles teenagers?  Good question!

Highlights:
Is This Love? short
inappropriate off-camera laugh
Mikey
Wood-ian general ineptitude
good solid riffing

Inspirational Quote: “Or is it just rough sex with Michael Douglas?”

Grade: B+

Really cheezy Japanese ‘Planet Of The Apes’ ripoff by the ultra-cr@ppy Sandy Frank.

Highlights:
horrific dubbing
Johnny’s indifference/matching mocking sketch
decent riffing

Inspirational Quote: “I don’t care!”

Grade: C

Lumpy ugly guy and friends wander around, invade Cuba. 

Riffing only ok.

Highlights:
Speech: Platform Posture And Appearance short (well, sort of)
extensive combat training
the most inept invasion attempt ever

Inspirational Quote: “I’m just glad Coleman’s not wearing a skirt.”

Grade: C-

Actually somewhat interesting, as far as these movies go.  Cheezy but creepy.  Tolerate the Pearl and Co. bits and you’ll probably enjoy it.

Highlights:
Vague ‘1984’ nostalgia factor
rampant Americana
EXCITING childrens shows (y en Espanol!)
solid riffing
Peter Graves end-mocking

Inspirational Quote: “Now let’s put out our flaming crotches and we’ll find your nose.”

Grade: B-

Dreadful Finnish fairy tale.  Good for mocking, not for watching.

Highlights:
Unhappy Meals
Here Comes The Circus short
circus-mocking sketch
Sampo obsession
Python/Fawlty references
pretty good riffing (such an easy target, but still)

Inspirational Quote: “Is there another wise man we can talk to?”

Grade: B

Movie follows after mediocre (long) short with ok riffing. 

What’s it about?  Giant leeches.  Attacking.  Slowly.  *Shrug*

It’s like ‘Zombie Lake’ without the lucid plot. – Frank rip

Highlights:
Joel doing it
Patches the leech
Insty Adolescent Kit
EXCITING opening music
GREAT coffee
good solid riffing

Inspirational Quote: “This sittin’ around plum wore me out…”

Grade: B

A sweet, sappy, stupid, well-meaning little love story with cheezy carnage and mild sci-fi intermixed.

Highlights:
TORTURE!
Reel To Real
big fat drunk guy on the couch
Joel getting realllllly light
Unicow
duct tape modeling sketch
consistently good riffing

Inspirational Quote: “I bought that Nyquil for colds not for you to make Nyquilatas!”

Grade: B+

Roger Corman flick.  The short rocks, the movie sucks.

Highlights:
Frank’s colon
re-animated chicken fight
Home Economics short
Waffley, cousin of Coily
Minnesota Vikings references
No! Time To Lose!
pretty good riffing

Inspirational Quote: “Your period, and mine – A lecture.”

Grade: B+

It takes a stronger man/woman than I to resist this pro-radar propaganda.

Highlights:
Hypno Helio Static Stasis (and Frank’s professor impression)
Last Clear Chance for fantastic savings!
rampant radar jokes
rampant weird-round-thing-on-top-of-car jokes
good riffing

Inspirational Quote: “Only radar knows what the Hell is going on.”

Grade: B+

This starts with a short (X Marks The Spot), but it’s pretty dullllll and, well, long.  Skip it.

And then Crow goes onnnnnn and onnnnnn about it.  Only tedium pads the episode.

Movie is a short slice of typical cr@p/cheeze from Bert I. Gordon.  Awfully bad.

Highlights:
Joey the lemur (original long version)
pretty good riffing (during the movie)

Grade: D+

Biker film with lots of “intrigue”/”drama”.  In quotes because it’s not intriguing or dramatic. 

Most of the riffing is mediocre, unfortunately.  Good host segments though.

Highlights:
NooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooOOOO’s
Star Trek hands
funny/unfunny (floating)

Grade: D

Wretched.  Unbelievably bad, even by MST standards.  Without good riffing it would be torturous, but the riffing makes it pretty decent.

Guest Review: “So Ray Dennis Steckler just filmed an open stage night and made it half his movie?” – M. Nelson

Highlights:
over-acronyms
ticket monkey
Confuse-A-Cat reference
solid riffing

Inspirational Quote: “…noone’s ever attempted an interpretive dance of ‘Mein Kampf’ before.”

Grade: B-

Thrilling expedition into the newly found continent of Smallus Islandus Rockus Climbus Stupidus.

The saddest moment was when I wondered if perhaps ‘Congo’ ripped off the ending.

Highlights:
rock climbing (dismal but brilliant…?)
white male reality sketch
cool thing
sameness as youness speech
ending bits
solid riffing

Inspirational Quote: “Why do the violins always trill when he’s climbing?”

Grade: B-

Cr@ppy biker movie, featuring cr@ppy music, dancing, and acting.

Highlights:
intro stuff (Gypsy’s Richard Basehart wail, tapping the Servo, Frank’s noise)
eloquent piece of low-life scum
Kix/Wild Rebels cereal
song-mocking sketch
decent riffing

Inspirational Quote: “Oh, just cuz I’m white you think I can play the blues!”

Grade: C+

Lots of stock footage and exposition shots and a little jungle worship/rescue/drama story.

Highlights:
Dr. “Sax” Forrester
Bela mocking (most Phantom Creeps are pretty dull, but part one is well-mocked)
Phantom Creep mocku-info-mercial
Joel’s wonderful world of scopes
pretty good riffing
ending origin of Art Crow

Inspirational Quote: “Uhh, when you were in flight school did they teach you how to scream?”

Grade: B-

One man’s vision of a time traveller and his adventures becomes dull and stupid in conception.  It’s really well-intentioned and all, but it’s just bad – terrible at its worst, totally cliche at its best.

Highlights:
‘Lost In Space’ lure/gag
well-meaning but wimpy hero
time-travel bits with past-Mike
good riffing for most

Inspirational Quote: “So in the future kids become gay agents?”

Grade: B

Mediocre, boring sci-fi flick.  The first episode with TV’s Frank and without Dr. Erhardt (TGIF).

Riffing isn’t bad but they’re still working the kinks out and this is nothing special (IMPO).

Highlights:
seeing Frank as a trainee

Grade: C

A group of clothing-averse students and their ample-chested teacher pursue a dull creature of legend seen mostly in cr@ppy flashbacks.

Highlights:
flashback mockeries
flashback sketch
consistently pretty-good riffing

Inspirational Quote: “I gotta get home and not talk to my wife.”

Grade: B-

It’s that really cr@ppy, ultra-cheezy sci-fi flick with that bulky many-named hero.

The movie and accompanying riffing make even the Roman-Era Pearl F. junk somewhat tolerable.

Highlights:

horrific graphics/fx/costumes
horrific script/acting/editing
bulky-guy names
women randomly gyrating around lightning globes
extreme railings
good riffing all the way through

Inspirational Quote: “Passed from editor to editor in a desperate attempt to save it.”

Grade: A-

4/1/17: Slight over-rate…it takes a little bit to get going. Grade: B

“Kinda like ‘Manos’ without the lucid plot” – TV’s Frank

Co-starring coffee.  Decent riffing.

Highlights:
Why Study Industrial Arts? short
amazing editing errors
sex-for-acid plot
completely unexplained/non movie related off-camera scream

Inspirational Quote: “If only he’d taken an industrial arts class…”

Grade: B- (C/C+ without the short)

One of the cheeziest, least scary, most laughable/mockable, least deadly-without-LOTS-of-help monsters ever eats lots of people.

Other star of the movie: extreme voiceover guy

Highlights:
pretension mockery
voiceover guy mockery
politely climbing into the monster
handy life advice from the narrator
good riffing (especially in the first half)

Inspirational Quote: “Yes, they did the nasty.”

Grade: B

See Pearl Forrester for the first time, if you want.  Nothing special there.

Movie: Most Dangerous (but STOO-pid) Game feat. Mr. Brady

Riffing: decent

Highlights:
Uncle Jim’s Dairy Farm short
tree of death/novelty items/interminable dialogue

Grade: B- (Call it a C without the short)

Beach jiggling, shenanigans, and music.  All incredibly boring.  One of the last to watch if at all.

Highlights: tank tops and the times noone is singing.

Grade: D-

3/21/13: “It stinks!” Grade: F

Joel’s last episode: see how he goes and Mike arrives.

Lots of Mike-as-a-temp action and good-vs-bad-plotting action.

Movie: sleazy/lumpy/stupid guy as hero against sleazier guys in dumb and boring crime flick. 

Riffing: mediocre…a few good moments and otherwise useful for the between-movie intrigue.

Highlights:
terrifyingly disgusting sex scene
tender love songs and Schlitz

Grade: D+

Voiceover guy co-stars in bad mad-pseudo-scientist movie as Mike and the bots mock it.

Highlights:
community theater love story
imitation exchange
What About Juvenile Delinquency? – I dunno, you tell me.
brilliant kitty imitation
very consistently pretty-good riffing

Inspirational Quote: “I sort-of think, therefore I sort-of am.”

Grade: B

Lots of evil scientist stuff goes on in and around a house.

The short riffing/host segments are much better than the movie riffing, making “watching the shorts and skipping to the host segment bits then turning it off” a good, sensible option. 

Or, to be even more efficient, turn it off after the shorts.

Highlights:
hard pills to swallow
Posture Pals/Appreciating Our Parents shorts combo
movie home-game sketch
lingo bits at the end

Grade: C+

Movie alternately boring and dark/”dramatic”, always stupid. 

Riffing alternately boring and pretty good.

Highlights:
SOL shenanigans feat. “peep” and Gretchen the slinky
sidehacking commentary/graphics/commentary mocking sketch
“Only Love (Pads The Film)”

Inspirational Quote: “Hai…kiba!”

Grade: C

Cr@ppy ‘E.T.’ ripoff, right down to the food smuggling. 

Features lots of pretentious artsy music and cr@ppy fx.  And lots and lots of fog.

Highlights:
public domain ka-row-key
“Idiot Control Now”/subsequent mocking sketch/wait-for-it ending reference
pretentious artsy music mocking sketch
pretty good riffing

Inspirational Quote: “Bambi, humans are basically good.”

Grade: B-

Master Ninja Opening!
little break…
Njorl’s Saga-ish backstory/flashback
little break…
Mrs. Premise
cr@ppy Dungeons and Dragons/Conan-type movie
Mrs. Conclusion
Master Ninja Ending!

Highlights:
host intro bits
really cool cr@ppy credits sketch
incredibly pretentious evil guy
not-all-that-deadly pit of growling snakes
foley art sketch
consistently pretty-good riffing

Inspirational Quote: “Ouch, I landed on my eight-sided dice!”

Grade: B

If you thought ‘Charlie’s Angels’ was stupid, so did I.  This is a lot stupider. 

The “serious” parts are utterly cliche and dumb and the “light-hearted” interludes are utterly non-funny and dumb.  Easy target, pretty good riffing.

Grade: C+

Fairly dull but not truly horrible western/drama.  Riffing = decent.

Highlights:
‘Mirror, Mirror’ Trek parody, esp. seeing Trace and Frank in the theater (for the first part)
J.T. Lemur

Inspirational Quote: “Well here, take her for a drive!”

Grade: C

Cr@ppy Tony Travis vehicle featuring bad songs/bad acting/cliche bad-guy-goes-good story.

Highlights:
extreme pocket billiards
General Hospital short/mocking feat. “The Booze Ditty”
song mocking
sketches, esp. song mocking/teen idol worship/song mocking/mooning Crow/last wishes of T. Servo
consistent riffing

Inspirational Quote: “There are a million stupid stories in the naked city…this is the stupidest.”

Grade: B+

Really bad barely-sci-fi/horror flick.

Highlights:
horribly stupid/cliche “romance”
bad-movie-joke mocking sketch
“California Lady” – Behind The Music
good riffing (better in the first half)

Inspirational Quote: “Oh no, don’t touch it…let me do that.”

Grade: B-