Mystery Science Theater 3000: Terror From The Year 5000 (1997)

Lots of boredom from the year 1950-something.

Riffing: first half enlivened only by voiceover mockings, second half slightly better.

Highlights:
Over-excited “terror” voiceover and repeated mockings of it.
attacking the water tag-team

Inspirational Quote: “…magazines expect me to perform EVERY time…”

Grade: D

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Sinister Urge (1994)

Ed Wood’s exceedingly boring portrayal of the police force’s courageous struggle to protect the public from dangerous slightly-less-than-fully-dressed-women films.

Highlights:
Keeping Clean And Neat short
BRILLIANT fight scene
Wood-en acting

Inspirational Quote: “Someone hit someone or we’re going back to our porn.”

Grade: C+

6/17/16: It’s a horrible movie, of course. But it’s also laughable, as with most Ed Wood; the premise is incredibly stupid and some of the acting just MST’s itself. And the riffing is actually pretty good. Grade: B-

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Incredible Melting Man (1996)

He’s not all that incredible.
No, incredible in the sense of not believable.
Oh.

Riffing: good stuff 
Movie: tortuous

Highlights:
Earth vs. Soup: behind the creation process
ultraaaaaaa slooooooo mooooooooooo
cracker controversy
general riffing

Inspirational Quote: “Hodgka!”

Grade: B

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Horror Of Party Beach (1997)

Cr@ppy beach party movie/musical intruded upon by guys in stupid monster suits.  Boredom ensues.

Highlights:
cr@ppy lip-synching to even cr@ppier music
BRILLIANT beach fight scene featuring human battering-ram
incredibly mockable scenes/dialogue
pretty good riffing
sodium

Inspirational Quote: “Yes, the sweet majesty of young white Republican love.”

Grade: B-

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Being From Another Planet (1992)

Listed some places as ‘Time Walker’, but since the movie SUCKS I feel no urgency to be true to the memory of it.  It’s introduced by the mads as how I titled it and the opening title says the same, and that’s good enough for me.

Movie: stupid, pretentious adventure/drama/horror with a (sort of) mummy
Riffing: pretty good

Highlights:
Invention exchange: Tragic Moments/Jack Pallinator
BRAINS!
yummy donuts
music mocking

Inspirational Quote: “Ditch the coffin, we got what we need.”

Grade: B-

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Santa Claus Conquers The Martians (1991)

Santa seeks to expand his empire by stretching out his tendrils into…

Nah, just a cr@ppy Christmas movie.  Well-meaning, of course, and sweetly stupid. 

Very sweet, very stupid.

Highlights:
pony/deciding who lives and who dies/etc…
Wish-Squisher
P. Swayze Xmas song
custumes
laughably cheezy “plot”/”acting”
consistently good riffing

Inspirational Quote: “Get the Hell out of my shop!”

Grade: B+

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Brain That Wouldn’t Die (1993)

First Nelson-hosted episode.  A few interesting rookie bits, pretty good riffing on the movie.

Movie: cr@ppy “sci-fi” monster/”drama”.  The acting is actually decent but the script is mediocre and it’s very pretentious/wanna-be-“thrilling!”.  It does have a certain gruesome film-noir-ish feel to it though, and some of the FX are nasty enough to make this somewhat PG.

Highlights:
Signs of Life!
obvious (but amusing) anatomy jokes
skewering of anti-female/anti-trust messages
bad end credit

Inspirational Quote: “It’s nice and all, but I want something sleazy…”

Grade: B-

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Projected Man (1998)

Plot: you find out how Pearl and company got to the castle.  Who cares?  Not me.

Movie: Sci-fi with lots of annoying orange.  Mediocre in conception, boring first half, slightly better (to watch and to hear mocked) second half which transforms it from putrid to barely passable.

Highlights:
massive unnecessary projection sketch

Grade: D-

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Deathstalker And The Warriors From Hell (1996)

Most annoying opening in MST history.  Repeated briefly at the end for your annoyance.

But the movie is an extremely bad/cheezy/pretentious D+D fantasy attempt, good for mocking. 

And, thankfully, riffing.

Highlights:
cr@ppy ren faire sketch
cr@ppy sounds
cr@ppy villain
cr@ppy hero
REALLY cr@ppy ending fight scenes

Inspirational Quote: “The chilling sound of cardboard against cardboard!”

Grade: B

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Stranded In Space (1991)

The movie opening has sort of a mish-mash thrown together ‘Master Ninja’ feel to it. 

Usually tv movies suck (see ‘Riding With Death’) and are great for riffing, but this one is unusually decent.  The riffing seems content with “predictable and tolerable” and the only real inspiration seems to go into the host segments.

Highlights:
weird-weapon-sound escalation segment
bad insinuation segment

Grade: D

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Squirm (1999)

‘Spring Fever’ short is alternately boring and really annoying.  Mocked well later, though.

Movie is cheezy 50’s horror updated for the super 70’s: color, better cr@ppy acting/fx, even dumber “monster”…riffing: not bad.

Highlights:
Sprites for every occasion
incoherent hick ramblings
Tom Servobelle

Inspirational Quote: “Well then there’s sex, that’s another minute.”

Grade: C

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Alien From L.A. (1993)

Kathy Ireland whines with the best of them in this really bad modern “fantasy” flick.

Very pretentious, so it makes a great choice.  Unfortunately the riffing is only ok (and usually obvious), but with material this easy to rip that’s enough to make it a decent watch, AND you get the “Hey!  I thought of that too!” achievement feeling.

Highlights:
gut-vending and Kathy Ireland game host segments
intermittent Australian-ness
persistent whine jokes

Inspirational Quote: “Cuz I’m turned on by squeaky toys!”

Grade: C+

Mystery Science Theater 3000: It Conquered The World (1991)

Back when Roger Corman gave a d@mn.  I think.

I actually sort of LIKE this movie…the fx are HORRIBLE and the acting isn’t all that good, but it’s an interesting story.  Good riffing on the really horrible parts, too.

‘Snow Thrills’ short is only mediocre, although it does provide a good quote.

Highlights:
short-mocking sketch
sudden realizations
movie-mocking sketch
MPFC Cycling Tour reference
ending…ending…ending…

Inspirational Quote: “Yeah, well you’re full of skit.”

Grade: B-

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Tormented (1992)

Yet another exciting Bert I. Gordon messterpiece.  Very dark this time.

It tries, like early Roger Corman, to be dramatic and meaningful.  And it’s not really HORRIBLE, it’s just not very good…and the pretension allows for very effective mockery.

Joel and the bots rip very (and tastelessly) well into every supposed “dramatic” moment.

Highlights:
great invention exchange (Aunt Catherine wheel/drinking jacket)
SOL family shenanigans
consistent riffing
wishful lighthouse plummets
headshots
Pagan Earth Ceremony (every Tuesday)

Inspirational Quote: “Look Tom, I got a friend at the DA’s office, if I don’t show up they open my lunchbox.”

Grade: B+

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Final Sacrifice (1998)

Canadian modern fantasy/adventure stupidity.  Good riffing, especially for a post-Frank/Trace  episode.  I actually like Canada, for the record.  And this is trying…but that only makes it funnier to rip because it SUCKS so much.

Highlights:
rampant Csonka references
rampant Canada jokes
Royal Canadian Mounted Servo
inept BDSM brigade
feral Red Green guy

Inspirational Quote: “You know it’s Spring when the executioners start gettin in the house.”

Grade: B

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Amazing Transparent Man (1995)

Man gets busted out of jail by yet another short-sighted/far-reaching villain. 

Really good short riffing, mediocre movie riffing. 

Suggestion: Watch the short and the llama bit, skip the rest.

Highlights:
Mikey and the scared Crow-llama
The Days Of Our Years – give or take a score
charades

Inspirational Quote: “It all sucked.”

Grade: B-

2/28/13: Not sure of the composite here…let’s see…short around an A, rest a low D.  Grade: C

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Space Travelers (1992)

I don’t understand this choice at all.

The movie isn’t great, but it’s certainly not horrible.  Nowhere NEAR as bad as the typical MST movie, anyway.  You almost want to watch it, at times…but you can’t, because three annoying voices keep interrupting it with unfunny comments.

If this was the ONLY episode of MST3K, it might be worth watching.  But it isn’t, and it isn’t.

Grade: F

Mystery Science Theater 3000: I Accuse My Parents (1993)

This is actually very well-meaning and all…but stoo-pid. 

J+TB seem inspired by the short.

Highlights:
The Truck Farmer: How to raise healthy, happy trucks
host segments: bot therapy, bad singing bit, guy from the movie analysis
exciting action/intrigue
dumbest great liar ever

Inspirational Quote: “So, Jimmy…do you like your kneecaps?”

Grade: B+

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Fire Maidens Of Outer Space (1992)

Horribly dull “sci-fi” movie with a lot of stock footage and extreme boredom.  Riffing can’t do much for it, but host segments bring it up from fantastically unbearable to barely tolerable.

Highlights:
“evil” Crow brings DOUBLE Crow action…OH!
DOUBLE entendres…OH!
DOUBLE lever action…OH!
‘Aliens’ parody…OH!

Grade: D-

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Human Duplicators (1992)

Richard Kiel does his best Das But impression as a dull, line-forgetting robot with occasional violent outbursts and failed poorly-conceived world domination aspirations.  Very cheezy all around, good riffing.

Highlights:
host segments, esp. cute hat on Joel and the fridge alert
ConHugeCo
Richard Kiel trying
attempts at serious/menacing
high-security motel

Inspirational Quote: “Well if ya don’t know what it is don’t put yer finger on it.”

Grade: B

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Earth Vs. The Spider (1991)

Movie is Creature-Double-Feature quality (cheezy, stupid, etc…) and riffing is particularly vicious and tasteless.  Good stuff.

Highlights:
Speech: Using Your Voice short – very pleasing lip and tongue action
Earth vs. soup
amazing spider fx
deadly crane shots

Inspirational Quote: “He died as he lived: with jelly all over his face.”

Grade: B

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Invasion U.S.A. (1994)

If you don’t like this movie treatment, you’re probably a Communist.

Highlights:
A Date With Your Family!!! Brilliant!
A Date With The Bots
intense wine study
huge tracts of stock footage
retrospectively sad full-length movie propaganda

Inspirational Quote: “This makes me pine for ‘Red Dawn’…”

Grade: A-

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Invasion Of The Neptune Men (1997)

Really cheezy Japanese sci-fi flick.  You can watch it to make fun of it, you can stick it in a bottle, you can hold it in your hand.

Mike and the bots don’t really do a very good job of helping you along…and since that’s the whole point of the show, it’s pretty dull for the most part.

Highlights:
Noh theater – THIRD BASE!
‘Prince Of Space’ guy cameo

Grade: D

Mystery Science Theater 3000: City Limits (1992)

The movie isn’t really HORRIBLE…just…not good. Whole thing’s got a funky 80’s “sad rebellion” vibe to it.

The riffing isn’t really GOOD…just…not horrible.  Like a semi-vacation for the writers.

Highlights:
stay-fresh Morrissey
skull from B. Bunny/B. Buzzard cartoon

Inspirational Quote: “Jeepers creepers, Tom…you’ve got Crow’s peepers!”

Grade: D+

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Painted Hills (1993)

Expectedly cheezy Lassie movie about gold, greed, and friendship.

But I’m not ashamed to admit that I find parts of it kind of touching and sweet, other parts kind of sad, and the extremely non-subtle tugs at the heartstrings actually affect me.  I can’t help it…it’s the dog lover in me.  So I feel a bit conflicted, at times enjoying the sentiment and at times laughing at the riffs.  And of course, when neither is working, being bored.  But that’s not all that often.

Great short, solid riffing, pretty good host segments.

Highlights:
Body Care And Grooming short – brilliant
Lassie
snausages
conflict sweet conflict

Inspirational Quote: “I’m late for my Hitler Youth meeting…”

Grade: B+

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Undead (1997)

Short setup into fairly cr@ppy Roger Corman “medieval” movie.  Riffing is better once the “medieval” part starts, because it’s so easy to mock.  Still, this is fairly well down on the “MST-to-watch” list.

Host segments outside Mike and the bots (excepting the Witch of Wonder visit) are typically boring and show the impact of losing Trace and Frank and replacing them with Mary Jo and Bill.

Inspirational Quote: “He leaves as he entered: sliding down a wall in greasy anonymity.”

Grade: C+

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Dead Talk Back (1994)

They say “Yakkity Yak”. Solid episode.

Highlights:
pretentious guy
preachy guy
exciting chase

Highlight that becomes a Johann G. Lowlight:
Crow’s eternal solo

Inspirational Quote: “You know, not kneeing you in the groin is a constant struggle.”

Grade: B-

7/1/16: Aldo Farnese IS Krasner, and incredibly bad. Grade: B