Category: Puppy

Trains

The ONE thing I like about trains is that when they stop, let people off, let people on, and then get ready to start going again, it very briefly sounds almost exactly like the opening of ‘Land Of The Dead’.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JTVDOx35FNg

-Puppy/Monty Python >.< Yip!/Splat

10/16/16: FAIR USE: CRITICISM – This is a decent clip that leads into a much more interesting little frantic, bizarre rant by John Cleese in a very bubbly chair.

10/18/16: Hmm. This particular clip stops after the railway timetables sketch. Not worth your time, really. Though if you can find Cleese in a big blue chair throwing out big words and clever references mixed with nonsense, you’re on to a winner.

7/13/18: The other thing: When you’re going up the escalator after leaving the train, just before reaching the top the sound of the escalator vanishing into the cycle sounds a bit like the pods spewing people as Donald Sutherland takes a short-but-far-too-long nap with unwanted ultra-closeups in ‘Invasion Of The Body Snatchers’. What a sentence.

Lethal Weapon (1987)

Intelligent, well-acted, “action-packed”, intriguing…the prototypical cop-buddy action (as opposed to comedy) film.  Better than ’48 Hours’ because Nick Nolte kinda sucks.

Even the soundtrack is good…Eric Clapton does what he does best- play some really cool notes without having to actually construct a song out of them.

Why, then, is it not rated even higher? 

There’s a limit to how good cop-buddy action films can be.

1:30:48- Cyndi Lauper!

Grade: A-

Erik The Viking (1989)

Like, wow.

Behold the damage caused by ‘Monty Python’s Flying Circus’.

Yes, it was brilliant, and inspired a lot of not-quite-as-brilliant-but-still-really-good comedy.

But THIS…THIS is what happens when someone (Terry Jones) is given complete artistic license to make a vanity project movie based on his own book SOLELY because he was a member of Python, albeit the least talented member.

I’m sure the executives watched this before agreeing to release it, just like they read the script before agreeing to fund it.  But when they found both of them dull and almost completely without humor, they just shrugged and said “Well, that’s what the critics said about Python…we don’t get it, but it MUST be funny…let’s give it a go.”

Well, this is like a mediocre Jones/Palin sketch, only worse because it’s got no Palin, stretched out to movie-length with no increase in the volume of laughs along with the volume of material.  The opening scene is the only thing I remembered from the first time I watched this, and that’s because it’s the only scene with “Python-esque” qualities, in the good sense(intelligent, well-written, funny, and in terrible taste).

The rest is, as cameo-appearance-for-old-time’s-sake John Cleese might describe it, “Irrepressibly drab and awful.”

Grade: F

Trainspotting (1996)

After having seen this and ’28 Days Later’, I’ve concluded that Danny Boyle directs with much the same quick wit and precision as Quentin Tarantino, only Boyle’s movies are just as stylish but much more substantive.

Twistedly brilliant at times, morally ambiguous all the time, darkly comic and at times very disturbing.

They’re a bunch of ar$eholes and they don’t “Caaaaaaaaaaaaare…”

Near the middle it gets dull and repetitive for a bit, just like the lives of the characters.  But it picks back up enough near the end to make it necessary viewing for anyone that gives a fck about my ‘A List’.

Grade: A-

8/1/12: No, it doesn’t.  I mean, I REALLY want there to be more movies that I think are A’s…but if there aren’t, there aren’t.  And this isn’t one.  Grade: B+

Troll 2 (1990)

FINALLY, a movie that reveals the murderous danger we face from militant vegetarians.

Yes, I watched the whole thing.  I still staunchly maintain that ‘Manos’ is worse than this, but I must admit…this SUCKS.  In a pretty funny way.  Better than ‘Hobo’, even…

‘Troll 2’ was written and directed on location in two vacant heads.

Inspirational Quote: “HOSPITALITY!”

Grade: C (That’s a composite.  A+ if you like sh1t, Z- if you demand quality)

“My Lack Of God, It’s Trotsky!”

The comparison of Atheists to “non-skiers” is flawed, in that non-skiers don’t ski, but they don’t necessarily “disbelieve” in skiing, or in the existence of the act of skiing, whether they themselves ski or not.

The attitude of the Crusading Atheist, as observed by Albert Einstein, Neil DeGrasse Tyson and others, is I believe this…

A Crusading Atheist who goes out of his/her way to “inform” believers how “deluded” they are is EXACTLY the same as a Crusading *Insert Name Of Faith Here* who goes out of his/her way to “inform” unbelievers how “doomed” they are.  Basically, they become what they are screaming so strongly against.

Or, look at it this way…let’s say, in your mind, you KNOW the Easter Bunny doesn’t exist.  I’m not comparing religion to fairy tales, but Crusading Atheists do, and so I’m just using their own “logic”.
So, you “know” that the Easter Bunny doesn’t exist.  The role of the Crusading Anti-Easter-Bunny-Theist is to inform all small children all over the world that, while believing in the Easter Bunny may give them comfort and joy, it is their DUTY to inform them how deluded they are, on mere PRINCIPLE.  “You, little girl…how can you believe in it when you’ve never seen it??!! They’re just fooling you!  WAKE UP!!!!” *Little girl cries* “Ahhh…my work here is done.”

Nice people, huh?

As to the notion that religion is harmful and the Easter Bunny is not, and therefore on that basis alone religion should be done away with, the LOGICAL facts do not support this.  And, since Fervent Atheism is supposedly based on “logic”, it is self-contradictory.  To say that removing religion from the world would remove much conflict from the world is true.  It is also true that if we removed politics from the world, conflict would be removed.  It is also true that if everyone was the same race, we would remove conflict from the world.  It is also true that if everyone was genetically engineered at birth to “love” who they are and what they do, no matter how horrible their life is, we would remove conflict from the world.  And that if we all took “happy pills”, we would remove conflict from the world.  And if we therefore modeled our society on Huxley’s ‘Brave New World’, the world would be a peaceful, gentle, harmonious place.  By the same token, if we all loved “Big Brother” and stopped thinking for ourselves altogether as in Orwell’s ‘1984’, the world would be a peaceful, gentle, harmonious, tranquil place.

“Mission Accomplished…What’s Next?” … “Hurting the ones you know and love?  Chasing rabbits on a minibike until their hearts explode?”

We would also cease to exist as legitimate life forms and would be nothing more than organic robots. 

People do fcked up sh1t because they’re scumbags, where applicable.  Religion is just one excuse…JUST ONE EXCUSE…there are millions of others! (Guess the sketch and win a prize).
We can’t get rid of them all unless we want to become identical mindless drones.

Me, I’ll take the inherent conflicts that come with freedom of religion, thought, and expression.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

5/10/16: Assuming the (impossibly) complete success of Antitheism, the end result moved towards (in one way of many ways possible, see above) as described by a logical Theist (My Lack-Of-God I LOVE using this quote…): “This is a soulless society, Captain. It has no spirit, no spark. All is indeed peace and tranquility: the peace of the factory, the tranquility of the machine. All parts working in unison.” – Spock

5/10/16: CLARIFICATION FOR CA/A’S: Spock is using the words “soul” and “spirit” in the metaphorical sense, not the strictly and pedantically literal, “religious” sense…something made clear by the rest of his statement. And if you think all words must be used always and only according to their strict literal meanings, you have some serious vocabulary editing to do. Words are used to convey feelings, beliefs, impressions, etc…therefore, an imperfect word that captures the feeling and belief well is MORE appropriate than a perfect word that does not.

If you don’t agree with that…well, stop reading 95 percent of the books ever written. And for the love of God/lack-of-God, stop watching “comedy”…I mean, a lot of that is BASED ON improper use of words. We are not amused.

5/10/16: “Pedantic” is my current word-du-jour. Of course, I probably didn’t really NEED to say that…

Comedy Central Roast: William Shatner (2006)

Funny: Lisa Lampanelli, Patton Oswalt, Jeff Ross, Greg Giraldo
Surprisingly Funny: William Shatner, George Takei
Not Funny: Jason Alexander, Farrah Fawcett, Artie Lange, Nichelle Nichols, Betty White
Cut But Who Cares: Fred Willard
Wasted: Farrah Fawcett
Freaky: Andy Dick
Funniest: Clips of Shatner “acting”/”singing”

Grade: B (The clips are moments of sheer comic genius)

The Captains (2011)

It flows gently along just like the jazz cocktail music it uses for its score.  If you don’t fall asleep to it, you might be occasionally entertained, but it’s more about Shatner and the travails of being an actor, as well as about acting and theater in general, than it is about Star Trek.

When Shatner attempts to put himself in the same company as Patrick Stewart, a classically trained Shakespearean actor, it should be funny…but it’s not, really.  That’s Shatner…he’s always thought of himself (Whether as Captain Kirk or as himself) as a lot more than he really is, and that’s part of his charm, I suppose.  At least he’s sincere in his self-absorption, there’s no false modesty here.

As a fan of the original series and certain of its offshoots(but not certain others), I think the attempt to chronicle the “Captain” experience is an abysmal failure…it’s more a blanket commentary on the stresses of being a full-time performer.  So it’s certainly not a must-watch for Trekkies, and because it’s not all that great as a documentary, it’s not a must-watch for anyone else.  What is it? 

It’s relaxing…very, very relaxing.  Ahhhhh….bop de doo be doo wop…

Grade: D

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’.  Grade: F

9/15/13: F List pruning.  Grade: D-

Nightmares In Red, White And Blue (2009)

Lots of EXTREMELY-over analysis of analysis-unworthy “horror” flicks with intermittent flashes of Kubrick and Romero.  And if you want Kubrick and Romero, watch them.  Not this.

It’s not going to convince non-fans to watch horror films, it’s not going to make intelligent horror fans believe Roger Corman films/Friday the 13th/other schlock doesn’t suck, and it’s not even well-made enough to convince really STUPID horror fans of anything. 

I mean, come on…yes, there are horror films that have “messages”, but there are a lot that are made cuz the director wants to make money and knows that people are stupid enough to watch sh1t that can be created with very little effort.  Every movie shown here is “analyzed” by “experts” and given a deep meaning…most of those meanings are probably gonna be news to the directors.

The 2009 American Cr@p Horror Film Party version of ‘Triumph Of The Will’.

Advice to pretentious roundhead goatee/glasses guy- “Why don’t you get a toupee with some brains in it?” – Moe Howard

Grade: F

WarGames (1983)

It’s actually very difficult to review this, because almost everything about it (the state of computers, the state of the world, the state of “video arcades”, the state of your average high school student, the state of Dabney Coleman) is pretty much archaic and obsolete.  The first time I saw it, I thought it was amazing, scary, and brilliant.  But I was 9 years old then.

Now, when I watch it, I’m surprised about the opening scene (that it exists, and that it isn’t anywhere near as cheezy as I figure the movie experience is going to be) and then I’m mostly just amused/nostalgic/rolling my eyes/saying “oh gawd”. 

The thing is, plenty of movies were made in 1983 or before that HAVEN’T become comical after being released as “thrillers”.  So I think that, despite a few moments of genius/brilliance/burnt-into-the-social-lexicon-ness, this is a (relative) failure today because so much attention was devoted to concept and message and so little was devoted to dialogue/believability/continuity/acting.

Favorite Character: Joshua

Grade: C+

7/25/12: The ending visuals alone urge me to shove it up a grade…  Grade: B-

In Descending Order Of Profundity

“Love, and do what you will” – Saint Augustine

“Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law” – Aleister Crowley

“An it harm none, do what ye will” – Wiccan Rede

“I like to rip off smarter people” – Anton LaVey

The first is the most difficult to follow, the second is the most difficult to interpret and determine, the third is a nice compromise, and the fourth is a hack.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

A Pun By Puppy (7/21/12)

I think, if you’re walking down the street in a public area in which it is legal for people to play music without a license (where applicable, Puppy does not confirm or deny legality in any particular area), and you happen to pass someone with a guitar or other instrument, who also has a container of some sort nearby for the purposes of collecting “tips”/”donations”/”etc” (Where legally applicable, of course), and they happen to be playing a Jim Morrison song (not all Doors songs qualify, check to be sure), and they finish and then, without hesitation, throw up both arms and exclaim “I am the Bus King!!!”, you should give them at least a dollar.

A pun.
“A pun??”
“No, not a pun…what’s that thing that’s spelled the same way backwards as forwards?”
*Pause* “A palindrome?”
“Yeah, yeah.”
“It’s not a palindrome…the palindrome for busking would be “gniksub”.  It don’t work.”

-Puppy >.< Yip! (w/ J. Cleese and M. Palin)

Follow-Up

Is there anyone in the world, honestly, that has read both ‘The Satanic Bible’ and ‘Hagakure’ that actually BELIEVES the former is more profound than the latter?  (Conditions:  All contestants must be over the age of 21 and have the ability to read/compare/think).

It’s like looking at the work of a brilliant artist after seeing your three-year-old’s latest stick-figure scribble masterpiece…everyone else might SAY they like the scribble better, but you know deep down in your reasonable mind that while you might find it charming for subjective reasons…that’s all.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (1986)

Awwwww…

It’s a cute, sweet, amusing, well-meaning little sci-fi drama that succeeds because it doesn’t aspire to heights it cannot attain.  The same cannot be said for most other Trek movies.  It’s ‘The Trouble With Tribbles’ to II’s ‘Space Seed’/’Balance Of Terror’/’Mirror Mirror’, II being the only Trek movie I’ve seen better than this one.

If you’re going to San Fran cis-co, don’t forget to pick up some humpback whales…

Inspirational Quote: “Ah…the giants.”

Grade: B

RoboCop (1987)

I most certainly CAN enjoy a relatively obvious escapist shoot-em-up cop-buddy flick!

It just has to be well-written and well done.  But not over done.  Maybe over under…

This is the first and (as is usually the case) by far the best in the eventual “franchise”.  The extreme violence that made this movie so controversial when it was released, even with the scenes that were edited to tone down said violence restored, is highly unlikely to shock or offend anyone in the target audience today.  At least, anyone that has seen what violent films have so commonly devolved into…useless bore and gore fests that feature nothing except shock value.

The admitted cheeze is offset by the intentional cheezy commercials and constant satire throughout, and by the precision and focused direction of the film.

I think, having seen many of these types of films (sans script/interest), and being fairly convinced that the brilliant filmmakers of this generation have conceived and realized every possible gruesome, disgusting, and pointlessly sickening violent idea imaginable while still, AMAZINGLY, failed to generate interest for the most part, that this is a welcome blast from the past.  If only movies like this had…you know…stories, anymore.

Inspirational Quote: “Iiiiii LIKE it!”

Grade: A-

The Anti-LaVey

Alternate Title: “Don’t Try To Warp This Into Doom and Gloom Bullsh1t”

“…becoming one with death in one’s thoughts, even in life, was the highest attainment of purity and focus. He felt that a resolution to die gives rise to a higher state of life, infused with beauty and grace beyond the reach of those concerned with self-preservation…” – Wikipedia

For the actual depth, read ‘Hagakure’. Or, at the very least, watch ‘Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai’.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

The Crow: City Of Angels (1996)

Aptly titled.  It’s ‘The Crow’, set in Los Angeles.

Imagine watching the shot-for-shot ‘Psycho’ remake.

Now imagine expecting it to be different in some way before starting to watch.

For hard-core goths only…the same way the animated ‘DragonLance’ movie is for hard-core D+D geeks only.  But unlike that movie, not quite laughable.

Grade: D-

7/25/12: The standard for awful has been raised.  Therefore, this ascends.  Grade: D

Falling Down (1993)

Background: A world filled with chaos, pollution, hunger, poverty, injustice.

Take said world and introduce into it first a character (Michael Douglas, in the best performance I’ve ever seen him in) that seems to amplify the chaos of every situation by ten, and produce it where there is (or seemingly is) none (at least on the surface).  A character whose focus becomes more and more clear in his mind as his mind becomes more and more chaotic and without focus.

Introduce into that scenario a character (Robert Duvall, who is excellent as per usual) whose life is the very definition of tame, sedate, tranquil…non-chaotic.  A character whose focus gradually but surely lifts him out of that sedation, re-invigorates the true “will” in him, makes him alive again, so to speak.

Place these characters at such a point so that only one of their focuses (focii??) will be realized.

And one will.

Two ways to escape “drudgery”…fantasy and reality.  I’ll take reality.  (That would be Duvall).

Grade: A-

Best Worst Movie (2009)

I wrote a partial review for this and then threw it away halfway through.

I threw it away because while it’s hilarious to see horrible movies that aren’t meant to be horrible, and actors that realize their movie and their acting stunk and don’t mind, even ENJOY being objects of camp affection, when you go out of your way to embarrass someone who really doesn’t even understand they’re being made fun of instead of honored…that’s not funny.  That’s just mean.

And a mean geek is just as nasty as a mean non-geek.  I’m a non-mean geek. 

So call the first half an A- and watch the rest if you like sh1t like The Jerky Boys.

(‘Manos: The Hands of Fate’ is worse than ‘Troll 2’ anyway)

Grade: C

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’.  Grade: D+

Day Of The Dead (2008)

It’s got minor “star” power in Ving Rhames, who appears to be channeling ‘Pulp Fiction’ while getting ready for his recent “intimidation” car commercial.

It’s got nothing else that isn’t elsewhere in vast quantities, some better, some worse, a lot just as good.

It’s competent.  Totally, completely, boringly, meaninglessly.

To take the potential of the original ‘Day’ and squeeze everything out of it that made it interesting and replace it with professional dullness is such a mystifyingly stupid act that I had to watch this several times to confirm they had in fact succeeded in this.

Romero’s original had only one weakness, albeit a glaring one: EXTREMELY cheezy acting/dialogue.

This does away with that, and replaces it with nothing.  Worthless if you’ve ever seen any halfway-decent zombie/infected/undead/deadalive/etc movie before at any point in your life, ever.

Grade: D

The Pulp Fiction Effect

Mediocre actors given painfully long careers due to appearance:
John Travolta (ick)
Samuel L. Jackson (enough is ENOUGH)
Ving Rhames (Nooooo moreeee zombieeee moviieeeeesssssss)

Mediocre films inspired by it:
‘Destiny Turns On The Radio’
‘2 Days In The Valley’
Probably dozens of others that I either luckily avoided or that didn’t make it to the cinema.

“Tarantino represents the final triumph of postmodernism,
which is to empty the artwork of all content, thus avoiding its
capacity to do anything except helplessly represent our agonies….
Only in this age could a writer as talented as Tarantino produce
artworks so vacuous, so entirely stripped of any politics,
metaphysics, or moral interest.” – James Wood, The Guardian

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Autopsy (2008)

Real Critical Analysis: Not serious enough for people that like gore films, not funny enough for people that like cheezy gore parodies like ‘Hobo’, not cheezy enough for people that like ‘MST3K’, not gory enough for people that insist on ALL gore, ALL the time. 

Now, on to mocking it savagely.

Opening scenes would make a nice FB vacation collage if you could take out the music, which I assume is the latest and greatest project of the director’s best friend’s friend’s band.

‘Autopsy’ was filmed on location in a vacant hospital. (I LOVE that one)

Notable Characters:
O.W.A. Giveaway: Orderly who attempts to wheel a cart of body parts past a policeman.  Long pause.
Wandering Wasted Dude: So sad to see him go after they spent 15-20 whole seconds on developing character/relationship with female/conflict with male in the beginning.
Brain-Surgery-Surviving Heroine: Lots of stair-climbing.

1:10:45 – I don’t know whether to laugh, cry, or throw up.  Apparently neither does the actress.

Inspirational Quote: “Ohhhh…you got me dirty!”

Grade: D-

10/25/12: I SO want to be able to change my grade, so that I can say…

Cause of F: Stupidity.

But, sadly, I must retain my critical integrity.  Grade: D-

VampireFreaks Update – The Stupidity Continues

I read a surprising (“Oh, I don’t know…”) article about Luka Magnotta attracting LOTS of female FANS…and so, on a TOTAL RANDOM HUNCH, I searched to see if he had, oh, I don’t know…any VF fans.

See for yourself…these are the people that populate that online cesspool of stagnant stupidity.

Google search keywords: “vampire freaks luka magnotta”

Also applicable would be “psycho”, “serial killer”, “fascism”, “Nazi”, “racist”, “whites only”, and “We’re a bunch of fcktards”.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

This Is Always Just The Case

“People are monogamous only because they’re told to be by society/are repressing their own sexuality/don’t want to risk losing one person by being with another.”

“People are polyamorous only because they’re too ugly/stupid/weird/boring to have anyone actually want to exclusively date them.”

Both of the above are false.

The difference is, believing the first is often thought of as “progressive”.

Making blanket judgements and labels is just as ignorant when it’s done by a minority.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

What Planet Are You From? (2000)

It starts off, very briefly, as a cheezy sci-fi movie.

Then, for quite a while, it becomes a cute, sweet, amusing-bordering-on-funny, fun comedy.

Then, when that’s done with, it turns back into a cheezy sci-fi movie, plus sappy.

If it had a real beginning and ending they’d really have something here.

Grade: B-

7/5/12:  Well, I forgot about the MASSIVE holes in the “plot”.  But, it’s still fun.  And cute.  Grade: C+

Kill The Scream Queen (2004)

This is already far more publicity than the hack deserves, but here it is…

Bill Zebub(yeah, he’s searchable, go ahead.  Or just find any local BDSM scumbag) apparently HATES organized religion, especially Christianity.

Which makes sense.  I mean, since he also hates and detests women, he can’t really ascribe to anything associated with Jesus Christ, who did NOT hate women.

Why does he hate women?  Who knows…there’s always the small penis theory, or maybe he’s just a misanthropic, misogynistic sadist.  OR…maybe it’s all an act. 

But if it’s all an act…what’s the point?  An “act” should be entertaining in SOME way, however trivial.

Bill calls women…I MEAN “scream queens”…”useless except for their *insert least witty term for breasts here*” 

Well…what the fck does that make you, Bill, since you don’t have them and can’t direct any more than the worst “scream queen” can act?  I mean, you tie up your victims before you do anything to them, you miserable little coward.

The character, I mean…

Grade: F-

Scar (2007)

Cr@ppier, completely unmotivated version of ‘I Boob what you Breast last Cleavage’ with intermittent flashbacks to cr@ppy gore film with unfulfilled cr@ppy aspirations to ‘Saw’.

Scorsese/DeNiro >
Burton/Depp >
X/X >
Y/Y >
Z/Z >
McKee/Bettis >
Weintrob/Bettis

Where X = Decent, Y = Mediocre, and Z = Poor

Make it STOP, Jimmy…make it STOOOPPP…

Inspirational Response: “No.  It never stops.”

Grade: F-

7/25/12: “Well…it’s not as bad as ‘Kill The Scream Queen'” – Me, echoed for many movies upgraded to an F.  Grade: F