A Clever Puppy Who Yips Loudly In Restaurants

An action/drama set in Medieval Times, with the emphasis on characters over action.  That is to say, on actionS and dialogue about/between characters instead of “action scenes”.

I had no idea it was going to be set in Medieval Norway, I thought it was going to be modern.  My hopes sank a bit when I realized my mistake, as I feared it would be some overwrought Medieval-esque cr@p or some horribly acted ‘Deathstalker’ fluff-and-cheeze.

I was pleasantly surprised, however, when it turned out to be a decent film.

Basically a bunch of bandits kill a girl’s family and take her hostage,
with the leader (and mother of a littler girl) intending to have
her men rape her to conceive a “little sister” for her daughter.  Her daughter is meant to learn how to be “strong”, but in fact is a naturally decent person (the only one of the group, excepting the
kidnapped) and learns from her mother what NOT to be.

Positives: The relationship between the two young heroines is convincing and sweet, the obviously well-intentioned nature of the film, a decent character the girls run into who tells a story that somewhat explains the mother’s cold nature, mostly interesting and occasionally compelling overall, pretty scenery, and being reminded of ‘Braveheart’ for some reason.

Negatives: A few obvious lapses in the quality of the dialogue and the acting, absurdly horrid bandit watch duty, and breaking my suspension of disbelief near the end when things go beyond “extremely lucky” to “No way in Hell pure fiction – even for a fiction”.

Grade: C

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: C+

A bunch of backwoods lunatics worship a big hole in the ground.

Interesting intro…I like the riff, even if it’s borrowed.  And I like the tone in the beginning – it seems “real” enough, it’s buyable.

But it slowly moves from the initial creepy vibe to a mostly obvious-and-silly vibe.  It becomes a chore to watch before all that long, and not even an angry pit can stave off the tedium.  Sure it’s gross…but it’s dull, tedious, pointless gross.

The pit (or something in it) really has powers, too, made vaguely clear by close camera zooms and fake blood and guts.

The effects are mediocre, and the limited interaction with them is below mediocre…it’s cheezy.

Two closing points, which are both more interesting than the movie and the rest of this review:

1) One of the main hick lunatics sorta looks like a really grungy, hairy Will Ferrell.

2) Executive Producer Lucky McKee, apparently not content to simply make his own bad-to-mediocre horror flicks, here nurtures another mediocre horror filmmaker.

Grade: D-

Extreme audience over-reaction to mediocre material.

A bit better in the second half, but nothing special…a couple of smiles, no laughter.

Grade: D-

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: D

The difference is 6 minutes between this and the rated one, so I figured I’d watch the longer one since there was no way in Hell I was watching both.

The fairly quick introduction of the chaos after a brief, life-is-good opening is pretty disturbing and believable; it builds quickly layer after more unusual layer while Pitt and family are stuck in a traffic jam.

The intro of the infected (they’re ’28 Days Later’ types; the only thing “zombie” about them is how they’re mentioned) is believable, capturing with major help from a big budget the actual chaos of a city suddenly struck by infection/panic, as opposed to just the aftermath.  So it’s got that going for “new” genre ideas, and it’s pretty scary to see how enraged these things are…

The acting is pretty good, i think…teamed up with the budget it makes for a pretty d@mn scary start…20 minutes or so of mostly believable mass chaos; not a dollar wasted if you’re up for that sort of thing.

The tenacity of the infected is terrifying and amazing – watch them do their best lemmings impression as they try to catch a helicopter if you don’t believe me.  They believe they can FLY…they believe they can…so on, so on.

After the shock of the initial huge-scale portrayal, it does sort of calm down a bit…briefly.  And it’s in the calm moments (few though they are) that the movie is weakest: this is best watched as a thriller and a horror flick.  As a drama, it leaves a bit to be desired.

Infected effects are impressive, and the makeup is quite convincing.

The mass massive-wall-climb (and what follows) is impressive, too…probably the signature image of the film.

On a negative note, the infected plane scenario seems UNBELIEVABLY implausible, considering the VERY well established behavior pattern of infected up to that point (you’ll know when you see it, I think).

There are a few interesting defense/offense ideas vs. zombies/infected presented, and a somewhat-original possible solution proposed and attempted near the end.

The ending is a bit disappointing and generic, unfortunately, but if you like thrillers this movie generally delivers.

Recommended strongly to zombie/infected fans, not because it’s GREAT but because it’s better than most of the sh1t you’re used to. How do I know that?  I’ve seen most of the sh1t you’re used to.

Grade: B

A zombie flick/parody featuring a college campus and some alien slugs.

It’s got a gruff cop with some bad lines – I actually like him.

Campy but not often funny.  Still, if you like anything zombie or are a sucker for camp, it has enough moments to be worth a watch.

Inspirational Quote: “Thrill me.”

Grade: D

A decent unknown NF Streaming movie for a change.

It’s about a woman who is mentally imbalanced, trying to live out the somewhat-normal life she has no doubt struggled to build for herself after a horrific childhood and lots of abuse.  It’s obvious from the start that she is at least somewhat odd/troubled, as she just seems out of place wherever she is; even at the bookstore that she owns.

The only connections that evidently mean anything to her are her books, her cats, her a$$hole ex-bf, and (most of all) her childhood friend and foster sister.  Indeed, these are the only “things” she appears truly comfortable with; the sister especially seems to be vital to her tenuous hold on sanity.

Basically this film is a portrayal of her slow descent, further and further away from her somewhat-ordered and somewhat-normal world, and at the same time the nobility and loyalty of the sister, whose dominant initial nature proves to be necessary and a product of caring, not manipulation or self-gratification.

For quite a while, the lead seems like she’s TRYING as hard as she can to be “normal”, despite obviously losing the battle.  So she evokes sympathy, making it that much more painful when she sinks below a certain point; one beyond sympathy.

The flashbacks and obvious signs of her horrid past, too, evoke sympathy for her.  At least for a while.

The overall mood is dark, foreboding, and disturbing: the music is almost always perfect in reflecting these, as is the acting; which is solid, especially by the lead.

Overall a very dark film, from start to finish – even the lighter parts seem surrounded by lurking shadows.  And it gets better…and more creepy…as it goes along, culminating in the high point of
its effect, which comes a little bit before the ending.

The ending is a disappointment, unfortunately…but til then this is a decent, interesting movie.

Available on Netflix Streaming until 6/15/14.

Grade: C+

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: B-

Terrible, pretentious artsy/goth flick.

The intro monologue is actually promising…until the first special effect, which is so bad that it both disappoints and amuses.

Not quite down to the depths of ‘Vampegeddon’, but close.  Turns out it’s bad acting, bad effects, and lots and LOTS of monologue.

00:20:Something – That’s the director fleeing the scene.

Available on Netflix Streaming until 6/15/14.

Inspirational Quote: “Jesus Christ, it’s like a made-for-tv movie in here…”

Grade: F

A zombie flick.  Imagine my surprise.

The theme is actually somewhat promising, as is the opening; which gives a small but convincing backstory about the female lead, and why she thinks/feels/acts the way she does during the film.

A zombie epidemic is survived by humanity, partly due to a vaccine that “returns” zombies to a normal human state.  But it has to be taken every day, and supplies run short…with the inevitable
reactions both by those infected, those affected, and those just plain scared of the whole situation.

So it’s an unusual, non-redundant take, I’ll give it that.

But it’s pretty slow after the beginning until near the end.  I keep watching because I have to, and because it seems like it MIGHT get better at any moment…but it never really does til the ending.

Points of interest: believable loyalty/devotion of the female lead, a few moving/disturbing parts, and some bits near the ending.

But Chris Cornell’s unintended review of ‘The Crossing Guard’ is too often applicable here, as it just doesn’t live up to the promise.

Grade: D+

This is an artsy German flick (In English).

Not horror, not thriller, mostly dull.

Basically it’s a bunch of scientists arguing/intriguing over research and discovery.  With a backstory, and stumbling to the ending.

I suppose if you like artsy you might like this – it’s got lots of different cuts, camera angles, points of view, flashbacks, etc…

But if you’re looking for what it seems to advertise itself as, you’ll be disappointed if not bored.

The acting is decent, I admit, especially bald creepy-guy.  But I never feel drawn in at all…I never FEEL for any of the characters.  It seems as cold and clinical as its setting.

The music is annoying and out of place a lot.

There’s one interesting plot point and a few cool/weird visuals, and a whole lot of mediocre tedium.

Grade: D-

Pretty much the same as the first, only not nearly as good.

The difference is more marked in the mediocre second half.

Nothing special, so unless you liked the first a LOT, probably safe to skip it.

Grade: C

I like both beginnings: in space and at sea.

And this is a necessary link between old and new, both to announce the definite end of “old” and as a symbol of “unity” to bring fans of each together.

Sounds a bit silly, but it’s true.  And when I say that, I’m including myself in those that are glad it was done this way – with the symbolic handing-over of the torch.

Favorite parts:

– Data’s “emotion chip” insertion and subsequent results.
– Nexus experiences/emotions/discussions.
– Of special amusement: Data’s little song.
– Kirk/Picard interaction

Good transition, good movie.  Good…moving.  At times, at least.

Inspirational Quote: “Humor!  I love it!”

Grade: B

00:10 – Why don’t they look?

Begins with lots of mayhem and extreme character stupidity.

I watched it because I thought it might be a zombie-ish movie.

It’s not.  It’s about some cannibals, but only vaguely.  Mostly it’s about misogyny, bad dialogue, and gratuitous violence.

Both detestable and incredibly stupid.

‘Butcher Boys’ was filmed on location in a vacant slum.

Inspirational Quote: “AHHHHHHH!!!”

Grade: F-

Off Netflix Streaming 6/7/14.

WARNING: SPOILER

WARNING: Not fully viewed.

Ok, so I wrote this huge review for this film after stopping partway through due to moral concerns…and then I found out that it’s not real, as it pretends to be.

It’s people shown filming other people, but they’re all actors.  Subject of fiction: someone wanting to film someone suicidal up to the point of suicide.

So, if you want to discuss the subject of suicide/assisted suicide, the ethics surrounding it, etc…why not just discuss the subject?

Why does ANYONE need to see a group of (fake) people (that is, these people are all acting, to a SCRIPT) go through the obvious moral questions/concerns/dilemmas?

Unless you get off on the dark voyeurism of the whole thing – even though it’s fake – there really is no point, other than to be spurred into thinking about a subject that either a) doesn’t affect you anyway or b) has already occurred to you without prodding.

Note: I stopped when I was unsure if the portrayed-as-real filmmaker interviewed two little girls, one of whom said she wanted to be the subject of the film.  I started again once he revealed he called Social Services.  I stopped again when I realized it was all fake.

I suppose the argument is they had to pretend it was real to evoke real, strong emotions and reactions from viewers.  And it did succeed there.

And I did find myself asking…why WOULD you have watched it if it was real, but NOT continue watching knowing it was fake?

That’s an interesting question.  I can say with certainty that I was rooting for the subject, whoever it may have been, to NOT go through with it.  I was hoping for a realistic (as I thought it was real) story of someone who feels they want to kill themself, but gradually realizes that life (despite how horrible it sometimes can be) is worth living.  I wanted a voyeuristically POSITIVE result, as I believe this to be the case.  Finding out it was fake made it much less interesting…probably because it would require GREAT acting (which I hadn’t seen so far and wasn’t expecting), whereas if it had been REAL, there would be no “acting”…so it would seem real, because it WAS.

So I’m disappointed and a bit frustrated, because it would have been heartwarming to see someone realize that – despite how horrible your life may seem – it’s worth living…to never give up hope.

Grade: D-

6/3/14: Why didn’t I finish this movie, you may ask.  Laziness?  Fear? I just can’t bear to deal with the emotions involved?  No, no, and no.  For anyone that has any experience with extreme depression and/or suicidal ideation, it’s simply not necessary.  Their (and my) real ruminations are infinitely preferable to someone else’s fake ones.

If you have no experience at all with aforementioned subjects, you may find this extremely intriguing.  In that case, up it to a C- from what I saw before stopping, with possibility for a great rise or fall depending on the rest.

For anyone (like me) who has been in such a position and has decided, emphatically, that life IS worth living, and that suicide is NOT an option, it would be redundant at best. 

I’ll take my own genuine realizations and revelations, thank you very much.  Grade: D-

Without – for the most part – the two best characters from II (Spock and Khan), this is a fairly unremarkable, mediocre necessary link to IV – except maybe the last 10 minutes, which are all that’s needed.  And even then only as a warmup to IV if you want one.

The other cast members have to act more to compensate for no Spock, which isn’t so good as they invariably overreach themselves.

Tribbles good, dog putting up with Klingons bad.

Grade: D

Wow…12 years ago.  And to me it seems modern.  Guess I’m getting old.

Parts I remember and parts I don’t…but the one thing I kept remembering throughout was that I liked 2 better.

It’s pretty d@mn fun in the beginning, especially Peter Parker discovering his abilities…cute, both lighthearted and serious.

Tobey Maguire is really good as Parker, but to me the only other standout is the gruff yet oddly charming greedy newspaper chief.  That’s not a good thing, since he has maybe 5-10 minutes total screen time.

Dunst and Franco I find decent but not much more, and the one actor I’d expect to like the most – Willem Dafoe – is actually pretty mediocre.  As the “good” side he’s fine, but the Green Goblin side is overacted and is far more annoying than menacing.  And that’s PRETTY annoying.  I’m not a fan of the comics and I don’t have anything else to go on, but I don’t care…even if Dafoe is portraying him EXACTLY as written, then he’s written pretty badly.

Some dramatic parts believable, others cliche/grandiose.

The camerawork is great, but the FX they capture are sometimes impressive/sometimes Ehhhh…

There’s too much sloooo-moooo, and especially near the ending (and at the ending) it becomes more persistently cliche – not innovative, not “felt”, and just plain not enjoyable.

And there’s far too much Basil Exposition for 2.

Off Netflix Streaming…in a few hours.  Or a few +24, if they show it ON the expiration date and not just TIL it.

Inspirational Quote: “With great power, comes great responsibility. Remember that, Pete…remember that.”

Grade: C