Armageddon Mud – Final Thoughts (THANK GOD)

I mean, it was REALLY fun for a while…when Inky thought I was female playing a female character.  Since then it’s just been a world of fcken annoyance.

From an Administrator:

“Given that you’ve decided to take this to your blog…”

Right…MY blog.  My blog, where I post MY opinions/jokes/sarcastic remarks/etc…not yours. 

But hey, thanks for the hit!  Every little one counts towards that million.

“and seem unwilling to discuss this with staff,…”

Unwilling to discuss with staff???  Are you high?  I traded like 6 messages back and forth with an Imm EXPLAINING the ENTIRE thing.  It got so right-adjusted that I could barely read it, like one word for each line.

“your account on the game as well as on the GDB has been temporarily banned. “

So…a ten year vet cheats (IMPO…I’m 6.9 on that), I (a newbie) complain about it, as I was ENCOURAGED to do by an Imm response…and I get banned?

“Remove your posts on your blog and we can talk then. 
Nyr
Administrator
ArmageddonMUD Staff”

This is my favorite, no question. 

A MUD Admin (in my subjective opinion) trying to bribe me to censor my free speech in exchange for game access.  Well…POSSIBLE game access.  That’s just…sad. 

Oh, and go fck yourself.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Event Horizon (1997)

Very mediocre and disappointing sci-fi action/drama with the feel of ‘Aliens’/’Sphere’.  Not very good at either, and not very good.  I stress “feel”…not quality, in any way.  Well, regarding ‘Aliens’, that is.

So if you wondered why it wasn’t a hit, that’s why.  It is NOT an overlooked gem.

Fav bits: Sam Neill getting a bit Trent-ish.

Inspirational Quote: “She’s ready to blow.”

Grade: D-

Iancu Attempts Snarky – Fail

You send this message to the staff:
“Is there any reason that a player who knows I am planning on retiring this character and who has abused OOC info should be contacting me IC, when I only logged in to make the previous “wish”?”

(Puppy Edit: He would know not to contact me because of our last communication, in which I responded to his request to use OOC info IC…as follows – “When I said “tone down” I basically meant “No Mudsex”, not “you can decide to change your character’s clearly expressed feelings…Completely unacceptable.”)

Re:
The stocky, spade-bearded man sends you a telepathic message:
 “A peaceful morning?” (Puppy suggested addition: “Did you feel it?  Maybe next time.  BTW, I have an aversion to RPing with males playing female characters.  Fortunately for you, I’m also a fcken dumba$$…so I’m rather obvious about it.  Now, go off and die, my sweet concubine.)

BOOM CHIKKA WAH-WAH!

Response:
“OOC: I am here to wish, not to play.  Please don’t compound your OOC info abuse by being snarky about it.  Nice illegal artifact, btw.”

Too bad mindbenders can read Psi’s, huh Inky?

You don’t have to worry about poison with that glowing, shining ring though.  At least, unless a Templar finds out about it.

Now…keep in mind, you CANNOT use this info IC.  BUT, if you’re clever, you can find a way to use it IC without being obvious about it…same way Inky was gonna ditch my character.

I’m not SUGGESTING you do it…but you could, rabbit, you could.

Oh, P.S. : You also can’t IN ANY WAY use the fact that he has allies in the Labyrinth that work for him.  Now, I mean it!

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Armageddon Rules And Violations – A Serious Critique

First, direct quotes from some section of Arm/GDB/helpfiles/etc:

“Role-playing…is not considered an option by the creators of the world, it is a strict requirement. If you do not want to role-play, please go elsewhere.”

“…it is expected that you will play your character consistently…”

“Although it is just a game, try to imagine yourself as your character, and act as your character while in the game.”

“…try not to let your own desires get in the way of role-playing your character…”

Second, my complaint based on this:

“…My character, Evalyn, was named “formally” as “assistant to Lord Oash”.

Privately, she was assured she was now “Aide/Concubine”.  Player of Iancu Oash apparently found out Evalyn (character) was played by me (male) when, after HE requested it, I registered for the Oash GDM forum…

“His response (PUPPY EDIT: see below) makes clear, to me, that his intent is to ignore/phase out my character, or simply avoid her until – without the intimate roleplay connection she had for four days straight with a Lord, including being told intimate secrets/shown around his estate/being promised-offered anything I basically wanted in shops…etc… gone – she inevitably gets killed or just fades away until such time that he can use his OOC distaste to “legitimately” alter his IC play enough to dismiss her.

Suspending his character basically would give him what he wants – I would die or fade away, problem solved.  So I’m hoping there’s some way you can tell him, basically: roleplay your character as your character, without (potential) homophobia creeping into it, without using OOC feelings to (not so subtly, or) subtly alter your play until it’s seen as “acceptable” IC to dismiss someone you basically gazed at with doe-eyes until you found out OOC info.

Third, quotes from Iancu’s player:

“…I would be more comfortable toning down the more intimate aspects of the character relationship, honestly.”

Puppy Translation: You’re a guy?  I gotta cut you loose…I’ll find out some way to do it “IC”, cuz I’m a ten year vet and know how to abuse the system.

“It should be easy enough to make the decision ICly.  I was already sort of hedging my bet with what role would be best for Evalyn in the clan you – might have noticed…”

Puppy Commentary: Complete lie.  See evaluation, part four, below.

“Hopefully it’s not too awkward or upsetting to Evalyn if other aspects seem to cool down.”

Puppy Translation: I hope you don’t mind me using OOC info to alter my IC behavior.  Hopefully it won’t be TOO annoying to you, cuz I’m gonna do it, one way or another.

I mean, this guy’s running slipshod over the rules.  OH!

Fourth, summary of Inky situation:

Well basically, it Orinoco blows.  But here’s more detail:

It’s supposed to be, as empirically proven by their own discussion board, website, rules, constant arguments on the subject…a ROLEPLAYING mud.

So…I made a female character.  Because I liked the character idea.  Not to seduce some poor unsuspecting male into MUDsex.  Evalyn, based on Evelyn from ‘The Mummy’. 

I watched the flippin movie like 6 times in 3 days just to get EVERY mannerism down:  how she smiles, WHEN she smiles, how she talks, what words she uses, what words she avoids, how she walks, how she sits, how she talks to herself…EVERYTHING.  Why?  Cuz I like to ROLEPLAY well on a ROLEPLAYING mud.

So I’m playing the female character, not once saying “Hi. I’m a female player.”  Why?  Because it’s a ROLEPLAYING mud, not a play-your-own-sex MUD.

In fact, nowhere (I looked) in the: helpfiles, website, discussion board, all going back OVER A DECADE does it ever once, in any way, explicitly or implicitly say (or suggest) that you should play your own gender.

Ok, so I roleplay Evie AS Evie.  Cuz, you know…ROLEPLAY.  And I meet this other character…let’s call him Mr. I. 

(Although his real name is this: Iancu Oash, Lord of a Noble House, the stocky, spade-bearded man, tiny penis (that last one is pure conjecture))…

…Played by someone who’s been playing Armageddon for TEN YEARS…so…you’d expect they’d know how to/want to ROLEPLAY. And they’d know the rules about NOT USING OOC KNOWLEDGE IC.  Huh?

And there’s HOURS and HOURS and HOURS of roleplay, eventually, between myself and Mr. I.  EVERY time he sees me, he seeks a way to RP…and vice versa, cuz that’s…IN CHARACTER (see “ROLEPLAY”) since our CHARACTERS really like each other/work closely together.

He says how much he adores me, how wonderful I am, how in 20 years he’s never blah blah blah but with me blah blah blah, how he very much (in slightly subtle terms) wants to sleep with me, how he wants to take care of me forever, how he wants me to never touch another man, how he’s “willing to go as slow as I need” (Puppy translation: I wanna fck you so bad that I’ll wait for the MudSex until you’re good and ready, just PLEASE don’t fck anyone else cuz I’m like, sensitive!).  I mean, he ASKED me to be his concubine.  FLAT OUT.

Then, after he finds out PLAYER is male (because he ASKED ME PERSONALLY to request access to a board which ASKED ME to give my GDB name, which SAYS my gender…not like I said “haha I’m a guy!”), I send him two messages.  Both to the effect of:  I realize that now that you know player is male, you may feel uncomfortable with certain aspects of roleplay, I would be HAPPY to change (WITHIN REASON) as long as it’s IC if you are uncomfortable, please write back I just want to keep playing…all very polite, respectful…respecting PLAYER as a person.

And what do I get?  No response, even though he got my message (at least the first one the same day…)

And CHARACTER suddenly, for no adequately explored reason, goes from “COMPLETE DEVOTION” to “casual business relationship”???.  NO in character reason…at least, that’s what he suggested in his (eventual) reply.

*After I spend HOURS rearranging his barracks with him gone for male-playing-female avoidance reasons…”Let’s let the newb do the grunt work before we ditch her/him”*

Ummm…this is one of our VETERANS, Armageddon?

I mean, I’m not saying that anyone’s homophobic, but let me quote Kurt Cobain:

“I am not gay.  But I wish I were, just to piss off homophobes.”

A ten-year-vet NEWB.  SAD.

Oh, on a side note:

Orin, who appeared as soon as I logged on (Day two, A.I. (After Iancu)) and seemed to be trying to annoy ummm…my CHARACTER…and who was, out of four applicants, the only one selected to join Iancu’s House):
Date Player Registered: December 15, 2002

Player Of Iancu:
Date Registered: December 19, 2002

WELL GOLLY GEE WHAT A CO-IN-KEE-DUNK!

“Why, that’s the exact amount I just gave Mr. Scroggins!”
“Well ain’t that a coincidunce!”

“All I want is what your MUD claims to be: IC handled IC.  If he doesn’t like it, and thinks it’s “unfair” to have to RP with a male player…well, to quote one of Armageddon’s rules…tough.  Live
with it or not.”

“I mean, I’d say just ask him.  Ask him if we RPd very intimate scenes, he told me a secret that would get him killed, he offered to buy me anything I wanted, he said “You are my Aide and Concubine”…and if he’s slimy enough to lie, I guess I get screwed.  Because he did all those things, and now he’s trying to say “well, I actually wasn’t even sure what role she would have…”.  Because he found out I’m male.  OOC info, used IC.  It’s as simple as that.”

“It’s about the fact that he told me he would radically alter his IC roleplay based on OOC information.”

Sad.

I’d like to point out, any opinions expressed are all my SUBJECTIVE OPINI ONS, for purposes of CRITICAL ANALYSIS.  I COULD be wrong…I mean…yeah…but I COULD.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

I ‘An See You (SATIRE…SATIRE…SATIRE)

Gonna need some visual aids for this…

“Wow, this RP is gonna be great.  Now, all the hours of effort will…oh sh1t.”

He SEES me!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8_HPFoelMQc

Well, tell him I said screw you.

This is now the “Lord Iancu Oash Bad Roleplay Alert System”:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v1MQ1IkKZaI

-Puppy >.< Yip!

10/16/16: FAIR USE: CRITICISM – First clip is the ending from a very good movie with a very Cthulhu-esque flair to it; the best I’ve seen in that vein, actually. The second clip is a bit of fun mocking how AWFUL an actor Nic Cage is. (housekeeping)

It’s Finished! My Masterpiece!

I shall call it ‘A Maid On A Night Out, Winding A Grandfather’s Clock, With Her Left Hand’.

But first, a bit of fun.

Ok, so pretend Evalyn is the mummy, and Iancu Inky-Baby is Beni after finding out that Evie is played by a male.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pDWR5RkWRTY

-Puppy >.< Yip!

10/16/16: FAIR USE: CRITICISM – An interesting bit with an interesting character from a pretty good movie. (housekeeping)

Roleplaying – How To Do It

First, pick an interesting character.

Second, research that character (if based on existing person/historical person/fictional person/etc).

Third, stay in character.

Fourth, and this is key…DON’T USE OOC INFORMATION TO INFLUENCE YOUR RP.

My research, in this case, involved watching a movie SIX GODD@MN times in three days.

Did I “ENJOY” it?  No.  I was trying to put an investment into a character I liked.

Same reason I logged 60 hours in a week.

What’s the point of this?  Can’t say.  We’ll see.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tNfGyIW7aHM

-Puppy >.< Yip!

10/16/16: FAIR USE: CRITICISM – Clip is a satire of an actual show, I believe. It’s quite good, and also very useful as a piece of satirical material re: other things. (housekeeping)

Thoughts While Watching The Patriots – 1/11/14

Dan Dierdorf: Belaboring inside the box.

So he goes ON and ON and ON and ON about how BAD a play it was to give up 2 points.

Now, the score was 21-10 New England.  That’s a two score game.  (TD +2 and FG)

A safety makes it a…two score game. (TD and FG)

And the other team gets it (probably) about 80 yards from your end zone.

Dierdorf apparently thinks it’s ABSOLUTELY the thing to do to give the other team 1st and goal at YOUR OWN 2 yard line…very probably 7 points, a virtual CERTAINTY for 3.  Either way, making it a ONE SCORE GAME.

Jesus H. Christ…(Yes?)…no, I was talking metaphorically (Oh).

I mean I “see” the argument for both sides, cuz I’m not a moron.  There’s odds for both things to work or not.

But a color analyst who is SO ingrained in his little box of thought is a color analyst that needs to retire.

I’m writing this before I see the results.  It’s my opinion cuz it’s my opinion, not cuz it worked or didn’t.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Zombi Holocaust (1979)

Oh, what lovely intro music.  Someone diddling on a synth.  I mean doodling…or diddling, whichever.

Wikipedia describes this as a cross between ‘Zombi 2’ and an Emmanuelle flick with cannibal action.

More the second, actually.  Without the porn bits.

5:36 – Anacanapooner…
5:38 – *knowingly* Aaaanacanapooner…
5:41 – *With a frustrated glare* AnacanaPOOner!
5:42 – Ohhh…

1:20:05-07 – HAIKIBA!

Inspirational Quote: “It was the most beautiful part of my life…I wouldn’t want to see those places again.”

Grade: F

Tales From The Crypt – Episode 24 (The Secret)

12 year old orphan is adopted by a weird couple with an extra guy along for the ride.  Good buildup, somewhat disappointing ending. 

Larry Drake (Dr. Giggles) plays the normal one of the three adults. I KNOW, right?

Curly describes their house: “This ain’t a bad lookin’ dump…”
Moe concurs: “Reminds me of the penthouse we were thrown out of.”

Armageddon MUD Joke – Rice Lied Style

Then smothered in gravy…TEXAS STYLE!

Anyway, if I had a character that was in the main city with a labyrinth in it, and I woke up dazed and confused next to a pile of vomit (not sure whose, but vomit), and some person tried to convince me that I was in fact in the city of Tuluk, I’m pretty sure I’d realize it was Allanak.

GIB, DOLB, NAD SRABSY!

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Armageddon MUD

More harsh than ‘Harshlands’.

Takes place in a desolate desert world where survival is quite difficult.

The harshness seems uniform: I’ve seen no evidence of any sort of preferential treatment.  Everyone suffers just the same.  (That’s a compliment, and a joke.  Ha ha)

The application process requires approval, which keeps vaguely interested people out.  This helps weed out the poor RPers…but I stress “helps”.

Now, to survive takes a certain amount of intelligence and/or luck.  That selling point is true.  So, if you don’t excel at either, you shouldn’t play.  If you want a “test”, this is as good as I’ve found in a MUD.

On the other hand, to “survive” and to “roleplay well” are not inherently intertwined.  Intelligence/luck (survival) and roleplay ability (imagination) have very little to do with each other.

So contrary to what you might hear, this is not a den of roleplaying excellence.

It’s what every decent MUD is, in that respect:  There are a few GREAT roleplayers, there are a lot of good roleplayers, there are a lot of mediocre roleplayers, there are a fair amount of poor roleplayers, and there are a few wretched ones.

I do have a more-than-vague suspicion that there are SOME people that play because they’re nasty IRL and use this as an outlet (hey, as long as it’s in character) and a very few that play because they’re sadists.  But the majority are relatively sane.

Written while playing actively and in a good fcken mood, so take this above any prop sh1t you read anywhere else.

Ai!

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Spookies (1986)

Dreadful cheezy 80’s “horror” flick.

Sufficiently ridiculous and unscary to enjoy laughing at, on occasion.  But there are many better/worse things to laugh at.

Question: How can you, “once again”, “be together for all time”?

Well, I asked for it.  To paraphrase ‘I’ll Never Heil Again’:

“I want some new ideas of sh1t movies to review!”
“Ohhh, so you want some new ideas…”
“Yeah, give ’em to me now!”
“You got ’em- *SPLAT*”

59:08-21: SLEDGEHAMMER!

Grade: D-

Zombie Undead (2010)

Clumsily borrows the ignorantly-into-the-aftermath format from ’28 Days Later’, only with a bad leadup and maybe a minute of confusion before the inevitable sh1tty zombie flick part starts.  And it goes on from there until the end.

The female lead is the best of the lot, and she has some decent moments…but even she’s in way over her head, and without a script.

9:49 – Monty Python tryout

12:24 – (in the spirit) We do not know which stall door he/she/it is behind.  But we can soon find out.

Also, the woman around 16:30 whose intestines are being gnawed on by a zombie – isn’t she dead?  And if she’s not, why isn’t she doing much of anything?  And if she IS, why is she smiling and blinking?

Grade: F

Useful Information

“Tax evasion is the illegal evasion of taxes by individuals, corporations and trusts. Tax evasion often entails taxpayers deliberately misrepresenting the true state of their affairs to the tax authorities to reduce their tax liability…”

“For years for which no return has been filed, there is no statute of limitations on civil actions—that is, on how long the IRS can seek taxpayers and demand payment of taxes owed.“

“For each year a taxpayer willfully fails to timely file an income tax return, the taxpayer can be sentenced to one year in prison.  In general, there is a six-year statute of limitations on federal tax crimes.”  -Wikipedia

Now, I’m not accusing anyone of this, but if anyone at the IRS was interested in checking back say, oh I don’t know, 20 or so years of perhaps no returns, they might want to talk to:

Robert Lowe
44 Webster Street
Watertown, MA 02472

(As of at least mid-2011, although his “listed” address may be elsewhere…this was where he actually lived.)

Hope this helps out.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Bobbing Low’s Guide To Life – Part One (SATIRE…SATIRE…SATIRE)

Rule One: If someone whose house you live rent-free in – despite the fact that you make a LOT of money that goes completely undeclared to the IRS, and have for YEARS – complains honestly and justly about horrible mistreatment and verbal/mental/psychological abuse to you, threaten to kill them and then advance towards them in a very threatening manner.

The Sixth Sense (1999)

A beautifully made movie about loss, pain, confusion/compassion, love, and redemption.

The music is appropriately sad but beautiful.

There’s an air of sadness and loss throughout the entire film that is understandable given both its subject matter and the ending twist.  It’s there, for me, as it was 14 years ago when I saw it the first time…when I DIDN’T know about the twist, not til the end.

Willis is good, Osment is great.  Shyamalan has never come close since in my limited experience.  The movie of his career, I’d say with virtual certainty, before his career is over.

VERY creepy, even after repeated viewings.

Quite touching in parts, especially as it gets closer to the end; sometimes sad and/or creepy at the same time.

There are a few lulls…but very few.  A great film.

And perhaps it’s because it reaches into some part of me, and some part of what was – but I can’t help but cry when Osment and his mother talk in the car, near the end.  It’s very comforting to know I can still do that, sometimes.  If you don’t understand that’s alright…this is for me.

Inspirational Quote: “They don’t have meetings about rainbows.”

Grade: A

4/16/14:  Instead of the joke I planned – which doesn’t fit here, or HERE, in my mind – I will just say that I think I knew I was using the same word multiple times but the REASON I didn’t alter that wasn’t because I couldn’t think of a synonym for “sad” or “beautiful”…I think, and hope as this to me is somewhat of a beautiful memory, that I used the words because they fit.  And I didn’t care if they echoed.  As with almost all my, or anyone’s, best work, there’s feeling in this.  Grade: A

11/12/16: Edited to remove spoiler, just in case. Grade: A

To Protect And…Ehhh, to HECK with it.

Recent headline: ‘Former DC Detective of the Year Guilty of Secretly Videotaping Stepdaughter in Shower, Bedroom’

“…This is the fourth time recently an incident has come to light
involving a D.C. police officer and women or girls, says WJLA. Officer Marc Washington died in an apparent suicide after he was
accused of having a teen runaway take off her clothes for pictures. Officer Linwood Barnhill Jr. is accused of being a pimp in an underage prostitution ring out of his apartment. And, officer Samson
Lawrence was recently accused of trying to kill his wife.”

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Violent Years (1994)

Ed Wood’s riveting portrayal of the danger men face from violent girl gangs.  His message: with a dress, caress.  And so the MST reviewing ends.

Great holdup scene re-creation in the ending host segment.

Highlights:
Young Man’s Fancy short
Wood jokes
brilliant direction
brilliant acting
girl jokes
Ministry samples (sounded vaguely familiar…thanks, A.S./cute kitty)
pretty good riffing

Inspirational Quote: “Hundreds of men flock to crime scene”

Grade: B

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Colossus And The Headhunters (1994)

Cr@ppy wanna-be Hercules type guy leads a stupid adventure.  Lots of stomach clenching, lots of padding.

Highlights:
NummyMuffin CooCooButter
oily cheesesteak
Interesting bridges (Temple of Doom, a foot over shallow water)
dance for the Gods of Awkward Movie Padding
decent riffing

Inspirational Quote: “For the first time people don’t know where to look.”

Grade: C+

Tales From The Crypt (1972)

First tale: About a murder and a guy in a Santa costume, remade (unnecessarily and worse) for the show.

Second tale: Interesting take on death perception.

Third tale: Horrific treatment makes a man commit suicide, and his corpse returns to his main tormentor in poetic fashion.

Fourth tale: Three wishes, used unwisely and twisted as usual.

Fifth tale: Nasty man takes over a home for the blind and treats them horribly, they turn the tables.

Somewhat cheezy, but they’re fairly interesting without being too gory, and they get better as they go along.

Grade: C+

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: B-

Deep Puppy Thoughts (Part 49)

So, lots of companies/products advertise as “Since X” (X = year of origin)

That’s not necessarily a sign of quality.  I mean, if a car was made the same today as it was a long time ago, would that be a good thing?

“Chevy: Building the same cars since 1929”

“Ford: Stuck in a creative rut since 1934”

I especially like when they advertise as “Quality Products…” or “Made With Care…” in front of the “Since X”.  Not because I give a sh1t, or believe them, but because it presents a great means of deceptive advertising.

I don’t know about you, but if a company advertised something as “Made With Pride Since 1979”, and then I found out they started making that product in 1945, I’d buy one.  Cuz hey, at least they’re honest.

“Oh yeah, we’ve made them since ’45…but we were pretty ashamed of ourselves for quite a while.  In ’79 we took out all the ingredients we knew were harmful…we’ve felt a lot better since then.”

*SATIRE…SATIRE…SATIRE*

47 Ronin (2013)

Pre-emptive review (very rare):

“The ronin spent more than a year waiting for the “right time” for
their revenge. It was Yamamoto Tsunetomo, author of the Hagakure,
who asked this famous question: “What if, nine months after
Asano’s death, Kira had died of an illness?” His answer was that
the Forty-seven Ronin would have lost their only chance at
avenging their master. Even if they had claimed, then, that their dissipated behavior was just an act, that in just a little more time
they would have been ready for revenge, who would have believed them?
They would have been forever remembered as cowards and
drunkards—bringing eternal shame to the name of the Asano clan.
The right thing for the ronin to do, wrote Yamamoto, according to
proper bushido, was to attack Kira and his men immediately
after Asano’s death. The ronin would probably have suffered defeat, as Kira was ready for an attack at that time—but this was unimportant.

Ōishi, from the perspective of bushido, was too obsessed
with success, according to Yamamoto. He conceived his convoluted
plan to ensure they would succeed at killing Kira, which is not a
proper concern in a samurai: the important thing was not the death
of Kira, but for the former samurai of Asano to show outstanding
courage and determination in an all-out attack against the Kira
house, thus winning everlasting honor for their dead master. Even
if they had failed to kill Kira, even if they had all perished,
it would not have mattered, as victory and defeat have no
importance in bushido. By waiting a year, they improved
their chances of success but risked dishonoring the name of their clan, the worst sin a samurai can commit. This is why Yamamoto
and others claim that the tale of the Forty-seven Ronin is a good
story of revenge, but by no means a story of bushido.” – Wikipedia

Yeah, and it STINKS too.

The Crazies (2010)

The story of a town that slowly becomes infected with something that turns people into psychotic, bloodthirsty lunatics.  Each in their own way, so it’s not a “zombie” or “infected” flick – they each have a somewhat unique personality, a different take on the psychosis.

The acting is good enough to make the extreme creepiness believable (therefore creepy) and it’s fairly well-written.  There’s also plenty of gore for people who want that.

Unfortunately it’s got about an hour’s worth of good horror movie and it stretches to 1:33.  Best in the beginning til it gets whittled down to 4 (the second time), then clever at the very end.

Grade: C+

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: B-

Zombie Ass: Toilet Of The Dead (2011)

Once I realized this Japanese “zombie” (not really) flick was total horsesh1t, I tried to enjoy it as such…like many movies in the past, to one extent or another.

Unfortunately the almost complete lack of intelligence, even in coordinating the stupidity in a mockable pattern, made that very difficult.  With their best efforts, I laughed once, near the beginning.  Then I just waited for the d@mn thing to end…it peaked very early in both stupid and disgusting, and more of the same without anything new for almost an hour was just fcken DULL.

Unless you enjoy lots of a$$ shots, terrible dialogue, vomit, sh1t, farts, fake blood, incoherent plot twists, eyeballs captured in mid-flight, and double replays of a head crushed by buttcheeks, you can skip this.

It’s not, despite its best efforts, as amusing as a superior total-sh1t film: ‘Hobo’, ‘Nazis At The Center Of The Earth’, etc…

Why?  Because there’s almost no intelligence to it.  It’s just supremely weird disgustingness.  Asia seems to specialize in these, for some unknown reason.

To the country that was producing Samurai as opposed to sh1t films with regularity 300 years ago, some advice from one of your ancestors:

“It is said that what is called “the spirit of an age” is something to which one cannot return. That this spirit gradually dissipates is due to the world’s coming to an end. For this reason, although one would like to change today’s world back to the spirit of one hundred years or more ago, it cannot be done. Thus it is important to make the best out of every generation.”

Is this your best?

Inspirational Quote: “My balls!  You flattened them!”

Grade: F

Zombie Hunter (2013)

This one tries to be clever and also epic.  It fails.

It’s got lots of REALLY dumb voiceovers, lots of REALLY dumb dialogue, a cr@ppy hero, and Danny Trejo for about 2 pages of dialogue/lots of mean faces.

The fact that it tries helps, if only to mock it – especially when the POWERFUL music kicks in to back up the failed attempts.  Oh, and when the TITLES pop onto the screen for each CHARACTER and sometimes INANIMATE OBJECTS.

Three menaces: zombies, chainsaw guy, bad CGI.

It made me laugh a few times, so I upped the grade.

Inspirational Quote: “It’s quiet here…it’s almost too quiet…”

Grade: D-