Big Brother Is Swabbing

‘Supreme Court: DNA Samples Can Be Taken From Arrestees Without Warrant’

“According to the FBI, DNA from people who have gotten the
charge dismissed, who were acquitted or from whom no charges
were brought are supposed to be expunged from the federal system.”
-Jesse J. Holland

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAH…Oh…they’re serious.  “Supposed to be”????? They can’t even LIE categorically?

Now, after taking a long step away from both the “Anarchy-In-The-USA,K?” side and the “I completely trust my government” MORON side, here’s something to think about:

DNA can be obtained a number of ways.
DNA is INDISPUTABLE evidence in a court of law.
The only people that “control” the “DNA banks” of the FBI are the FBI.
The FBI has long performed illegal activities (See ‘Hoover, J. Edgar’)

So, while I’m not “morally outraged” that DNA can now be taken “just like that”…

(Why?  Because it ALREADY COULD.  Think about it.  Just because it isn’t legal doesn’t mean it can’t be done).

Here’s the problem (Well, one of many obvious and blatant ones):
Any intelligent person will admit that NOT ALL government employees operate within the law.
Any intelligent person will admit that NOT ALL government employees operate outside the law.
Any intelligent person will admit that NOT ALL people operate within the law.
Any intelligent person will admit that NOT ALL people operate outside the law.
Government employees = People.

Potential for abuse: Ummm…if you can’t see it…*Shrug*  That’s kinda sad.

I mean, the ONLY reason that (hypothetically) ANYONE can’t be found guilty of ANYTHING now (hypothetically) is that you need a REASON to HAVE “indisputable evidence”.

BEFORE:
“Your Honor, we have a swab of DNA that connects the suspect to the crime.”
“Where did you get it?”
“Ummm…nevermind.  And ignore the other person’s name on the vial.”

NOW:
“Your Honor, we have a swab of DNA that connects the suspect to the crime.”
“Where did you get it?”
“Routine swab, your honor.”
“Have you anything to say, suspect?”
“That’s not my name on the vial.”
“Oops…ummm…misfiled.”

I mean, I’m trying not to go ‘1984’ Conspiracy Theory crazy here, but anyone who would suggest that the MANDATORY taking of DNA samples BEFORE ANY GUILT OF ANY CRIME is proven could NEVER be used in an illegal/unethical fashion by the FBI/Other Authorities cuz…”well, they wouldn’t do that!  It’s just wrong!” is a total and complete MORON.

But the government is glad to have you.  You’ve chosen…SECURITY!
Congratulations. 
Baaaaa.

“They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety.” – Benjamin Franklin

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Curly Howard – Moments Of Genius (Part 20)

*Woman* “Oh, how can I ever thank you?”
*Curly* “Don’t try.  By the way, here’s fifty-two dollars I just found in my hand.”
*Woman* “Why, that’s the amount I gave Mr. Scroggins!”
*Curly* “Now ain’t that a coincidunce!”
…
*Moe* “Say…did you notice the beautiful watch Scroggins had on?”
*Curly* “Notice it?  I got it!”

Rodentz (2001)

Killer rats with the psychic ability to shake cages and anticipate phone calls.

Oh, and one of them eventually turns into a remarkably human-sized rat.  Convenient for the costume guy.

Bad acting, no budget, no horror, red rat-cam, and lots of rat footage.

The “scary” scenes are only scary if quick cuts, stock rat footage, really fake blood and/or people holding rats/fake rats against themselves while also pretending to fight them off scare you.  Think of the dynamite rabbit in ‘Holy Grail’, but not quite as scary.

The second plotline consists of freeway footage and bad acting, until it merges with the first after absolutely nothing happens in terms of interest or character development.  Oh…you do find out that one of the young ladies enjoys wearing a persistently high out-of-jeans thong.  That’s her “thing”.

And the others try/pretend to have “things” too.  And perform lots of dramatic…pauses.

What made someone write this movie?  Head dents.
If you were a car, what would watching this movie be like to you?  Road dents.
And so on, and so on…

Unbelievably brief breast shot of thong-lady.  Then the worst porno music (without porno) I’ve heard since the 70’s (including me going “Boom-Chikka WAH WAH!”), leading me to this:

Inspirational Quote: “There’s so many nooks and crannies…”

IQ2: “UH…Oh, uh…UH!…UH…OH…oh…uhh, oh…uh…uh…oh…”

Grade: F-

Robert Christgau – Inspired Mockery

If I try really hard, and I’m inspired, I can come up with sh1t that rivals his off-days.

Part two of two:

‘Guns N’ Roses

“The Spaghetti Incident?” [Geffen, 1993]
Talk about your anxiety of influence. As someone who never
thought punk had much to do with musicianship or musicianship
much to do with GN’R, I remain impressed even with the excitement worn off. I mean, Axl Rose damn near stealing “Human Being” from David Johansen? Because his drummer is so fierce? Fear and
UK Subs (!) and Nazareth (!!) tunes that belong on the
same record? What would Harold Bloom say? Something about Axl
being a sh1tty songwriter, I hope. Which wouldn’t be altogether
fair. But hey–criticism is unfair. A-‘

Puppy Edit: naughty word made less naughty.

Robert Christgau – Inspired Praise

This is what got me into (amateur) criticism in the first place.  If you haven’t, you should buy his music guides for the 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s and read them cover to cover, repeatedly.  Doesn’t matter if you agree with anything he says…if you aspire to be a critic, he’s the man. 

And now, part one of two, in true Jarmuschian fashion:

‘R.E.M.

Document [I.R.S., 1987]

Their commercial breakthrough eschews escapism without
surrendering structural obliqueness, and after six years of
mushmouth I wouldn’t have thought it possible either. Maybe
they finally figured out that intelligibility doesn’t equal
closure (can’t, actually). Or maybe they just wanted to make
sure everyone knew how pissed off they were. In any case, these
dreamsongs are nightmares of a world in flames, the kind you
remember in all their scary inconsistency because you woke up
sweating in the middle. How it will all end I couldn’t say, but
it’s a healthy sign that their discovery of the outside world has sharpened their sense of humor along with everything else.
Inspirational Title: “It’s the End of the World as We Know It
(And I Feel Fine).” A’

– Robert Christgau (Robertchristgau(dot)com)

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Sword And The Dragon (1994)

Stupid fantasy cr@p.

Pretty generic, and the riffing is mostly uninspired.  A few good quips scattered throughout.

Definitely getting near the end of the “worth reviewing” pile here.

Highlights:
really quick D+D
lots of dogs

Inspirational Quote: “The legend of Boggy Creek had more depth.”

Grade: D

Star Wars: Return Of The Jedi (1983)

An OK movie made better by nostalgia and utterly overrated (like the rest) by a rabid fanbase.

Better than the second, not as good as the first.

To put this in perspective, here’s a realistic appraisal: Not QUITE as good as ‘Clash Of The Titans’.

Grade: C+

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Despite being cheezy, it’s too fun (in the “entertaining” sense) to not be a wee bit higher. Grade: B-

Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back (1980)

Very dark compared to part one (or four, who cares?) and not as good.  More cheezy, less charming.

And more boring.  A necessary middle.

Fav. New Observation: Hey, that rebel commander sure looks like he could use a Waldorf Salad.

Inspirational Exchange:
*Luke* “I don’t believe it.”
*Yoda* “That is why you fail.”

Grade: C-

FINALLY – A Federal Crackdown On Bad Comedy

Headline: “Two men facing federal charges for prank-calling Buddy Nix, Mark Dominik”.

“They could face up to five years in prison.”

Is there ANYONE who thinks they’d be facing anything more than a disapproving tweet or FB rant if the two guys they pranked weren’t really, really rich?

What a load of sh1t.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Star Wars: A New Hope (1977)

In the spirit of alienating what little sci-fi/RPG fanbase I have, BUT in strict adherence to critical integrity, here goes.

Star Trek’s better.

I do like this, to a certain extent.  I saw it when it first came out, at an age when it seemed like the most amazing and absolutely epic thing possible.  Obviously it’s not nearly as enthralling now as when I was a tot, but I still enjoy it, and not (just) as nostalgia.

I love the somewhat Buddhist one-ness of “The Force”, the Butterfly Effect quote “Hold your fire.  There are no life forms aboard”, and the (still, fairly) fun escapism.

Negatives: Vastly overrated, obviously dated, too cheezy, Mark Hamill.

Inspirational Quote: “We meet again at last.”

IQ2: “I find your lack of faith disturbing…”

Grade: B-

5/24/16: Hmmm. “Alienating”. That’s not bad. Grade: B-

Resident Evil: Extinction (2007)

Don’t tease me, title.

Ummm…’Mad Alice, Beyond UmbrellaDome’?

Umbrella Corp has learned from their mistakes (and, quite obviously though not very well, ‘Day Of The Dead’ and ‘The Birds’), and could no doubt repeat them exactly.

Only 94 minutes but seems MUCH longer.

That these movies made Jovovich a Comic-Con idol is undeniable empirical evidence that not all geeks/nerds/dorks are smart.  Some of them are just plain fcken stupid.

Let me up, I’ve had enough.

Grade: F-

Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004)

Umbrella Corp, a subsidiary of ConHugeCo, presents:

Lots of action (w/ sloooooo mooooooooo) and precious little else.

I mean, really, why not just play the video game at this point?  Acting can’t be any worse.  Nor can the story.  And the visuals are probably better.  And you have a tiny vested interest in giving a sh1t.

Grade: F

Resident Evil (2002)

Why did I get in on this so late?  I’ve found that video games turned into movies tend to suck.

But this is zombie/rage-ish related, so I thought I’d give it a whirl.  Also, a certain fondness for Milla Jovovich played into my decision.  She did play one of my heroes, after all.

Conclusion: Interesting premise that far too often devolves into dumb zombie/infected/video game quality gore sh1t.  And this movie’s Vasquez copy isn’t nearly as cool.

Grade: D

5/28/13: I actually watched the first three, painful though it was.  I thought I needed to show the very minor movement from movie to movie.  But I started off at the wrong point.  Grade: D-

Young Frankenstein (1974)

One of my (two) favorite Mel Brooks films.  Why is that not saying much?

Because it has plenty of dull, failed jokes…just like every Mel Brooks film.  On only two occasions do the good ones (and there are definitely some good ones here) generally outweigh the bad ones.  And even here (and there, probably…need to watch it again) parts are still so dull and predictable that it’s a fairly close call.

I give a little of the credit for saving it to Gene Wilder, who helped write it and who acts brilliantly in it.

I give a little of the blame to Brooks’ Madeline Kahn fixation, which makes the ending fairly dull.  And the rest to the often painfully predictable nature of Brooks’ humor, which he manages to overcome…barely.

Inspirational Quote: “Abby someone.”

Grade: B-

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. I think this is the first one I’m actually LOWERING the grade on. Grade: C+

Primer (2004)

A quite cerebral look at some (mainly two) scientists and their attempts at discovery.

Focuses on their passions, motivations, and personalities as well as their methods and what they actually do: make a time machine.

This started off fairly interesting, and by half an hour in I had moved well past “Am I going to like this?” to “Just HOW good is this going to get, and for how long will it stay there?”.

I understand very little of the terminology and theory…just trying to wrap my mind around all of it completely makes my brain hurt.  But I understand enough, here and there, at a certain level, to have it seem “genuine”.  Since this is a sci-fi drama, that is key.

Odd, original, minimalist, and very interesting.

Grade: B+

Tomb Raider (2001)

A really dumb lump of sh1t.

Great if you wanna see a young(er) Angelina Jolie in tight black and sweaty.

Oh, and she takes an apparently AMAZING shower…hairflip…ahhhhhh…

No nudity.

And hey, don’t get me wrong…I’m not making fun of Jolie here.  She probably laughed when she read the script, then said “ok” because she knew it’d be the easiest movie she ever did (minimal dialogue, minimal acting, lots of stunt double) and if people were stupid enough to see it anyway, that’s their problem.  I actually saw this when it first came out…well played, Angie.

Suggested sorority-ish parody for this movie’s target audience:

‘Lara Croft: The College Years – Panty Raid Her’

Grade: F

The Addams Family (1991)

Delightfully galoomy.

Ah…what might have been.

Especially Huston and Julia, who are both remarkably elegant and have brilliant chemistry.

The rest…not as much.  But those two are enough, along with some clever sight/wordplay gags, to make this, the first (and ONLY this, the first), worth watching.

P.S.
(Puppy) Hey soundtrack/score…you sound pretty good to me.
(Soundtrack/Score) “If I only didn’t have a Hammer.”
(Puppy) I hear ya.

Inspirational Quote: “You frightened me.” *Dramatic Pause* “Do it again.”

Grade: B-

The Cabin In The Woods (2012)

(Puppy was impressed)

I’m impressed.

(But how to convey that…)

But how to convey that…

The first 35-40 minutes I’m thinking: It doesn’t take itself seriously and it’s kinda clever/”cool”/witty in a somewhat predictable sense.  Yup, Joss Whedon. 

A dark comedy that is all polish and expertise but not quite enough inspiration – Whedon can pump out stuff like this in his sleep.  Pick a genre, pick a setting…

Then it really gets good.

A little (vastly-improved) ‘Evil Dead’, a little ‘Truman Show’, a little pathos, a little “So Much For Pathos…”, a little RACE AGAINST TIME action mockery, a LOT of horror-movie mockery, some horror-AUDIENCE mockery…even some specialized Asian Horror+AdorableAnimeCuteness mockery!

And, my favorite, Cthulhu-esque mythos mockery featuring Whedon’s idea of the final guardian.

Great makeup, really good FX, great timing, and…and this is the KEY part…it still retains the Whedon-esque nature that was the first 35-40 minutes.

It’s gory…but it’s not a horror movie.  FAR too tongue-in-cheek for that.

Inspirational Quote: “He’s got a husband bulge.”

Grade: B+

9/27/13: I have to.  I just HAVE to.  I mean, when the worst thing you can say about a movie is that one of the brief mythicals is out-of-character, that’s something.  And if those aren’t the twins I saw, they’re close enough.  Grade: A-

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Zombie Nightmare (1994)

Apparently this is what zombies dream about.  Poor things.

Cr@ppy 80’s “zombie” version of ‘The Crow’.  No flesh-eating; one slow, buff, hairy dead guy.

Riffing only ok, unfortunately.

Highlights:
really sad “rebellion”
low-key sheep lady: a fascinating practice
ratty guy invents new alignment: “Chaotic Stupid”

Grade: C-

6/25/13: Sometimes when I’m in a good mood I give too high a grade.  Also, sometimes when I’m in a bad mood I give too high a grade.  I forget which was responsible for this.  Grade: D

Pulp Fiction (1994)

The stylish, smooth, better-written, polished-to-a-gleaming-shine second draft of ‘Reservoir Dogs’.

What is it about?  Watches up a$$es, gimps, bandaids, glow, random rants/comments, visible L7’s.

In other words, nothing.  But it’s pretty d@mn fun to watch.  Except “the date”, which is tedious.

Standouts: Willis, Keitel, The Ending.

Recommended Afterwards: Norm MacDonald’s SNL Version

Inspirational Quote: “That’s how you’re gonna beat ’em, Butch.  They keep underestimating you.”

Grade: A-

Boston Vs. New York – Sporting Events, An Unbelievably Anal Analysis (By Puppy)

Based On Total TY (Team years, one year of one team in one sport = 1 TY)

So if 2 teams in 1 sport the same year, that’s 2 TY versus Boston’s 1 TY.

TY:

NBA (Including BAA)
Boston = 67 (Boston Celtics)
New York = 93 : 67 (New York Knicks) + 2 (New York/Brooklyn Nets) + 9 (Rochester Royals) + 15 (Syracuse Nationals)

NHL
Boston = 88 (Boston Bruins)
New York = 185 : 17 (New York/Brooklyn Americans) + 86 (New York Rangers) + 40 (New York Islanders) + 42 (Buffalo Sabres)

MLB (Modern Era)
Boston = 164 : 7 (Boston Americans) + 104 (Boston Red Sox) + 53 (Boston Beaneaters/Boston Braves)
New York = 275 : 50 (New York Mets) + 10 (New York Highlanders) + 99 (New York Yankees) + 58 (New York Giants) + 58 (Brooklyn Dodgers)

NFL (Super Bowl Era)
New England = 47 (Boston/New England Patriots)
New York = 141 : 47 (Buffalo Bills) + 47 (New York Jets) + 47 (New York Giants)

Argument: “New England isn’t just Boston”.  New York has plenty of fans in New England too, so get over it.  Games are played in Massachusetts…close enough.

Total Championships:
NBA:
Boston: 17
New York: 4

NHL:
Boston: 6
New York: 8

MLB:
Boston: 8
New York: 35

NFL:
Boston: 3
New York: 5

Total:
Boston: 34
New York: 52

Total TY:
Boston: 366
New York: 694

Championships Per TY, as of 5/17/13:
Boston: .09289
New York: .07492

But who’s counting, it’s just a game!!!  <=== I’m a funny guy!

Deep Puppy Thoughts (Part 35)

I think, for comedic value, ‘Con Air’ should be remade EXACTLY the same as the original, except for the following slight alteration:

*Dumb Guy* “What’s that?”
*Malkovich* “That’s a rock.”
*Dumb Guy* “Ok, what’s this movie?”
*Malkovich* “‘The Flying Rock'”. *Picks up rock and donks guy on head with it, then proceeds*

Exchange of the Day (Part 4)

:Hopper: “What is it then, huh?  It’s the map.”
:Costner: “She’s my friend.”
:Hopper: “Golly gee a single tear runs down my cheek *vis* I mean you’re gonna die for your friend…”
:Costner: “If it comes to that.”
…
:Hopper: “…I don’t think you’re gonna drop that torch, m’friend…”
:Costner: “Why not?”
:Hopper: *In a calming voice* “Because you’re not crazy.”

-Waterworld

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Parts: The Clonus Horror (1997)

Actually somewhat interesting, as far as these movies go.  Cheezy but creepy.  Tolerate the Pearl and Co. bits and you’ll probably enjoy it.

Highlights:
Vague ‘1984’ nostalgia factor
rampant Americana
EXCITING childrens shows (y en Espanol!)
solid riffing
Peter Graves end-mocking

Inspirational Quote: “Now let’s put out our flaming crotches and we’ll find your nose.”

Grade: B-

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Day The Earth Froze (1993)

Dreadful Finnish fairy tale.  Good for mocking, not for watching.

Highlights:
Unhappy Meals
Here Comes The Circus short
circus-mocking sketch
Sampo obsession
Python/Fawlty references
pretty good riffing (such an easy target, but still)

Inspirational Quote: “Is there another wise man we can talk to?”

Grade: B

The Insane Idiot – 5/2/13

“Can’t believe everything.” -LaLa, actress(?)

Yeah, like Carmelo Anthony saying he “just wanted to talk” to KG when he went to the C’s bus.

Hey, Puppy, why doesn’t LaLa get any work?

“You on the bench for a reason.” -LaLa, actress(?)

BTW, memo to Toronto fans: I feel your pain, but attempting to displace your anguish over the Jays and Leafs onto a single Red Sox player is simply unhealthy…work THROUGH your grief, guys.  I’m pullin’ for ya.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Thoughts While Watching The Bruins/Celtics/Red Sox – 5/1/13

Bruins:
Hey, is that really a Vezina Trophy potential candidate playing in net for Toronto?
Nice observation by A.B., something to the effect of “Both teams have a lot of tough guys…the difference is the Bruins tough guys can play hockey.”

Celtics:
Hey, is that really a number 2 seed playing against the Celtics at home?

Red Sox:
Sorry guys, didn’t see much.  Nice job, though.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

ParaNorman (2012)

Animated feature about a kid that can communicate with the dead/mostly-dead.

Kinda cute, but not creepy enough for zombie fans.  And nothing you (probably) haven’t seen/heard before.

I get the message (tolerance/acceptance) but I don’t think this is the animated movie to have your kids see if you’re doing it for the message.  It’s just too mediocre, beyond being creepy.

Recommended only to those that absolutely must see everything animated AND zombie.  And that’s a pretty odd combination, so very few.

Inspirational Quote: “There’s nothing wrong with being scared, Norman.  As long as you don’t let it change who you are.”

Grade: D+