A Clever Puppy Who Yips Loudly In Restaurants

“part mockumentary” – Yes, really dry and fairly dull for the most part.

“part unabashed gore-fest” – Very, very little of that.

Gets a bit Blair-Witchy in the second half.

Grade: D-

‘Glory’ is the story of the forming, training, and performance of the 54th Massachusetts Regiment during the American Civil War.

Based upon letters written from newly-commissioned Colonel Robert Gould Shaw to his mother during the period of events chronicled, it is as interesting for its character development and interaction as it is for its (obvious) social and historical message.

Matthew Broderick is excellent in an (appropriately) understated performance (rare thing to say for a lead, I know…) as young Colonel Shaw, convincingly portraying both the naivete and conviction of a young man thrown in quite over his head into something he believes in but can’t quite fathom, at least in the beginning.

Morgan Freeman is brilliant (as usual) and Denzel Washington fully deserves the Academy Award he won for playing the passionate and defiant runaway slave Trip. One of the most powerful scenes in the movie occurs when these two actors, whose characters could barely be more different while still respecting each other, bring their conflicting philosophies to a logical argumentative conclusion.

I only have two complaints about the movie.

First, the battle scenes are a bit hokey and dated (not to the period of the movie, which is a GOOD thing, but to the limits of the battle “choreography” and the acting talents of the very extra extras), and second (and most annoying) the comparatively embarrassingly mediocre performance by Cary Elwes, who hit his professional pinnacle with ‘The Princess Bride’ and seems to be unsure if he’s a dramatic actor or a satirist, which, in a movie of this caliber and type, is a bit of a problem.

One last thing…

Roger Ebert, in his long-ago review, complained about the movie focusing on Robert Gould Shaw, saying it was racist and merely playing up to a “white” audience to focus on his contributions.

This is nonsense.

Shaw was the driving force behind the 54th, and is no less a hero than the brave men that fought alongside him. Saying that the movie focuses unnecessarily on his role is ignorant and just plain false, the sort of nonsense that gives Liberals (of which I am, to a certain extent, one) a bad name.

I mean, Shaw WAS their leader…the actions of the 54th are displayed exactly as they should – a brave leader and his brave men, together, each no better and no worse.

Grade: A

11/16/23: Just a little cleanup.

Hey, Jason Mewes.  At first I was like “Hey, that guy looks and sounds kinda like Jason Mewes”…then I realized it was.

It’s a dark comedy, the tasteless but (in this case only kinda) funny sort you’d expect from Jay. And he basically plays Jay here, not quite as constantly-jabbering and with shorter hair, but pretty much Jay.

There’s really nothing more to it than that.  So, in the category it squarely falls into, it’s not nearly as good as ‘The Return Of The Living Dead’, or even ‘Idle Hands’.  But if you liked both of those, you could probably sit through this tolerably if you had nothing better to do.

Inspirational Quote: “Is she dead…er?”

Grade: D

It’s a zombie movie set right after the Civil War.

So I guess that’s how it’s “different” from other zombie movies.  That’s the hook.

Otherwise it’s the same old sh1t, nothing special.  Kinda pointless, really.  Unless you want a historical fictional account of how the whole zombie thing started.  Very dull, though.

The great thing about making this movie is that it must have been REALLY cheap.  I mean, a few uniforms, some old pistols, lots of make-up, and rent a national park or forest.  There you go!

Inspirational Quote: “She was very different from me.  She was…younger.”

Grade: F

*SHUDDER*  Comedy For Dummies.

Dated, dated, dated.  Before he departed on his really mediocre film career he made a lot of mediocre sketches, only occasionally saved by the people he worked with and/or who wrote for him.

This sh1t was barely worth watching when it was new, never mind seeing a whole stinking pile of it many years later.  Recommended only for the very young and the very stupid.

Grade: F

11/23/12: “occasionally saved by the people he worked with and/or who wrote for him.” Grade: D-

Extremely simplistic “modern” re-telling of ‘Inferno’, the first part of Dante Alighieri’s ‘Divine Comedy’.

The “animation” is truly wretched, and the “modern” references just make it seem absurd/silly, not more relevant.  So it’s pointless. 

I only really watched it because I saw James Cromwell’s name in the credits.

Not for kiddies…the little jokes and quips aren’t really funny, so only watch this if you want to know the story (sort of) without having to read it.  But I can’t imagine this would possibly scare anyone, and unlike the original poem, it’s completely without majesty.

Grade: F

Featuring:
The McLaughlin Group
Massive Headwound Harry
Gerald Ford (and wolves)
Carsenio
Grumpy Old Man
Swayze fantasy
affectionate Italian restaurant
psychic game show contestant
“Choppin’ Broccoli” and other hits
George F. Will’s Sports Machine
‘It’s A Wonderful Life’ lost ending (You won’t find it on the Netflix Shatner episode)

Little bits:
Jimmy Stewart
porn hearing
McCartney and Sinead
Dylan translation
Dennis Miller/Dennis Miller
Bush V. Dukakis
Bush impressions

And of course some really dated stuff that ISN’T funny.  But not too much.

Grade: A-

2/25/13: Ehhh…let me amend: some REALLY dated stuff that ISN’T funny AT ALL and is borderline painful.  And too much.  This could use a little trimming.  Grade: B+

The cover and the description make it seem like it’s about a woman who seduces men and then eats them.  It’s not.

She doesn’t have an “insatiable appetite”.  Her vagina does.  It’s insatiable.  And very talkative.

So if you’re looking for shock/horror/controversy/gore/drama, this is akin to ‘How To Get Ahead In Advertising’.  But it’s not even good for a burlesque laugh because almost all the scenes involving her vagina also involve her being raped.

She does try to limit it to only the sleaziest of men, so there’s the “tragic hero” part. I guess.

It’s also very badly made…half of the extras apparently either don’t know they’re extras or forgot NOT to look at the camera.

Unlike ‘Lo’ (I did it again), this is not something to watch again.  In fact, having read this, the only reason to watch it at all is if you like rape scenes, plain and simple.

Inspirational Quote: “They can’t find him, they found his car down by the har-bar!”

Grade: F-

Watching this, I didn’t care whether he succeeded or not. I did, however, noticing his ‘Reservoir Dogs’ resemblance, dub him “Annoying Orange”.

Just as quirky/weird as ‘Lo’, but not nearly as interesting despite the topic.  In fact, my favorite part of writing this review has been getting to reference ‘Lo’ again. Amidst a sea of sh1t, a B is a beacon of light.

If this isn’t a parody of ‘Fight Club”s flagrantly absurd quasi-Nietzschean gibberish, it should be.  I take it as such, to get any enjoyment out of it.

Aleister Crowley wasn’t talking about this guy…

Inspirational Quote: “Eww…Stop! God!…I mean there is so much fcked up sh1t in this world that we can’t control, why the FCK would you ever wanna add to it??”

Grade: D

10/4/12: I’VE GOT IT!  How could I have been so BLIND?
There are 5 messages in this movie:
1) ALWAYS explore fantasy/roleplay before venturing into reality (e.g. cutting your arms off)
2) All anyone with a major anxiety/panic disorder really needs is a good SHOCK to the system (take THAT, psychiatric profession!  And Bembridge scholars!)
3) When writing a movie (or sketch), it’s important to remember that there should always be a “beginning”, a “middle”, and an “ending”.  Writing only one usually leads to poor results. (See ‘Kids In The Hall – Episode  17’ (Kevin’s middle) )

Inspirational Answer To My Question From The Movie: What does this movie have, after the premise? – “There’s nothing there…there’s nothing there…”

Grade: D-

Pretentious dull nonsense/nasty quasi-religious bdsm nonsense breaking up scenes of women dressed as nuns having softcore sex at:

26:25, 33:07, 1:00:05

You’re welcome.

Grade: F

With the two exceptions of 1) featuring REALLY has-been scream-queen Linnea Quigley (who is best watched in ‘The Return Of The Living Dead’) and 2) featuring cougar-heads that made me actually half-laugh/half go “Oh, COME on…” this can be best summed up, as it relates to the indescribably no-genre ‘1313: Frankenqueen’, by the following exchange…

“So…what do you think?”
“I THINK…that it’s exactly the same…yeah…it’s exactly the same.”

Grade: F-

“Shock The Monkey” has nothing to do with animal testing.  But it does make an appropriate theme song.

After ‘WarGames’ in 84, where he successfully played a kid, I believe this is Broderick’s first real “grown-up” role.  Unlike ‘WarGames’, this movie is not terribly dated.  It’s actually quite well-written and well-acted, and the sympathy it evokes in me is real.

Here’s my take on omnivores: As one, I feel no responsibility to act any better or worse than is expected of any other.  Therefore, as all other omnivores do, I eat both plants and animals.  No other omnivore is criticized for behaving as is in its nature.  However, by the same reasoning, no other omnivore kills, or even hurts, another animal unless it is in direct self-defense of self or “family”, or to eat them.  They don’t do it for sport, or “research”, or “enjoyment” (see sadist).

That’s why animal testing shows that we are, in fact, lower than chimps if we watch this movie and do NOT feel great sympathy for them and great resentment at the humans willingly doing things such as this to them.  Human beings are the only natural life forms that ever behave contrary to the basic laws of nature.  No wonder we’re the only ones actually destroying the nature that provides us with life.

All that being said…after the initial premise is established and taken to its logical conclusion, how much do you really want to watch “Chimpanzees Gone Wild”/”The Great Chimp Escape”?

I said I felt sympathy for the chimps, not the movie.

Inspirational Characters: Virgil/J. Garrett

Grade: C+

A collection of chapters forming a short “film” (about 50 minutes).

The animation is horrid and it’s nothing special…but if you want to see something zombie-ish that’s both kinda cutesy and kinda gross, you might want to check it out.

Also, the music’s cool.

Grade: C

3/1/13: Nothing special.  I was in a generous mood.  Grade: D+

For those that might watch for this reason: there’s NO nudity.

This movie brought to you by the random rounds of ammunition corporation, who remind you to use random rounds of ammunition every day as part of a healthy diet. 

Also the make-a-zombie-movie-to-get-your-friends’-music-into-it foundation.

And the HAIKIBA!-jumping-ZV’s foundation.

And finally the Mad-Cow-induced-Ebay-Selling-Vampires foundation.

Have I mentioned there’s absolutely NO nudity?

This got the same Netflix rating as ‘Lo’???!!!

The only way to enjoy this movie, supplied by a character from it: “You have to destroy the brain completely.”

This review inspired in part by the rip-MST3K-and-MPFC foundation.

That comment inspired by the UAF foundation. (Figure it out…come on…it’s easy).

Inspirational Quote: “Wanna shower first?”

Grade: F-

I know this is supposed to be deep and “meaningful” and touching and all, but to me, after watching ‘Lo’ – which I don’t know why I’m invoking except it’s fresh in my mind – it just seems a bit pretentious and overly dramatic.

Actually perhaps that’s why I’m invoking ‘Lo’…because it isn’t pretentious and overly dramatic.

There’s lots of fast-motion effects, like ’28 Days Later’-ish, but they don’t seem to be for any apparent reason…other than to be impressive. OK during fight scenes, not so much during the shaving scene.

There’s a time theme here…I get that.

The girl looks more bored/annoyed than scared…and rightfully so. So am I.

I guess I appreciate the symmetry…but everything: the flashbacks, the SFX, the lighting, the arty shots, (the symmetry), the wonderfully touching meaning/purpose…can’t hide the fact that this is still a fairly dull movie.

The idea is really great…but the script and the actors don’t even come close to fully realizing what the dream of that idea could be.

Grade: D