Is There Life After Death?

My site’s been pretty darn still (there, it moved!) for a while now. And the way I determine that is: I don’t post much at all.

Now, popularity-wise, I’m pretty sure it’s maintained the standards set forth by me when I posted the critical masterpiece ‘Equilibrium’. Of course, it would take a Patrick Batemanian view to properly, monotonely settle that issue with certainty. Yes, it would!

I think a random group of four would probably offer this sort of view:

Results: Inconclusive.

FAIR USE: CRITICISM – For a group sketch in which only one person makes any attempt at speech or movement, not bad at all.

Deep Puppy Thoughts (Part 201)

I’d like to be one of the following:
– happy and without any mental illness
– completely insane in such a way that I’m content with how things appear to be, to me
– completely insane in such a way that I get fan mail from fcken weirdos
– a newborn baby
– an old man about to die
– living alone away from everything else with an awesome (though admittedly not BEST, RIP Duchess) dog
– A vampire, werewolf or some fantasy sh1t along those lines
– Member of some group that loves me, that I love, and that does good
– a magician
– painlessly dead and in the Great Unknown

Any of those would be great.

Interested? Just make a comment on this. Thanx bunches.

Deep Puppy Thoughts (Part 200)

There’s one feeling/emotion that’s very difficult to experience, both in terms of actually finding oneself in an appropriate situation and in terms of the resulting brief lack of functionality.

It’s beyond despair and above hatred…it’s more akin to incredulous disbelief: How could you possibly do something so vile? How could you, WHY would you rip out my heart like that?

FAIR USE: CRITICISM – Good scene from a great movie. Robert the Bruce never actually DID that, but it’s a good scene nonetheless.

Deep Puppy Thoughts (Part 199)

You most certainly CAN win a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. But why the fck would you play the game when ANY other game would be more interesting?

Unless you’re prepping for surgery, of course.

FAIR USE: CRITICISM – Great scene. I did live through the end of the Cold War, after all.

As far as the Stooges go, well let’s just say that they were plucky little fellows.

Daejavu

I like the music I like.
You like the music you like.
Everyone likes the music they like.

The point is, EVERYONE likes music. Of some sort. Even just chiming in while someone else does karaoke.

And, given that, I find it difficult to simply let a (good) song disappear…which this one is (or seems to be) doing.

Heck I tried to buy the d@mn thing, no sh1t.

FAIR USE: CRITICISM – Good song, decent album…tell your friends.

Is There A Problem, Officer?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MeRghYqi090

FAIR USE: CRITICISM – Don’t care much for the movie, but this scene is pretty darn cool. Perfect “backstory” for the character that would eventually emerge. You see, establishing a BACKGROUND (realistic, that is) is a good thing. It’s not as necessary as establishing a character who goes through at least MILD changes in likes/dislikes/personality quirks in 50 years, but it’s up there.

A tiny bit more risky/impulsive than Anakin in Episode One. And he turned out quite different, in a good way.

It takes effort.

“Alright…we’ll take the girl if you take Frasier.”

House On Willow Street (2016)

Lots of creepy images and scenes. Somewhat predictable. Actually VERY predictable, if you just go by the scary music warnings.

Not much character development.

BUT…the actors are decent enough. The idea isn’t exactly fresh and innovative…they seem to borrow a little here, a little there; stuff they liked, stuff they wanted to imitate, stuff they wanted to make their own…that’s my guess, at least.

So…predictably creepy, and interesting enough to give it a shot if you like that sort of thing.

ITMOM (Nice picture), ‘Night’ re-make uncle, ‘The Dead Zone’…you’ve seen some things before, but they’re not the WHOLE movie, so they’re kinda cool actually.

Zombieish, found footagey.

Inspirational Quote: “You should really let me go.”

Grade: D

Sarah Silverman: A Speck Of Dust (2017)

Gets off to a bit of a slow start, but then gets to her talent level fairly quickly.

Nice timing, some good jokes, some bad jokes, and LOTS of bad taste.

It just came to me: Sarah Silverman is Louis C.K.’s female understudy.

Clever girl.

Inspirational Quote: “I love them like my very own aborted fetuses.”

Grade: C+

Here Alone (2016)

Despite the 1-3 person drama (done tolerably well), this is a (tolerable) failure.

Because I don’t think it’s good enough to “believe” in the characters.

Because this is a zombie movie where the only echoes of zombie danger until about 20 minutes left are some weird screams (always in the background).

Only in the end does it get truly dramatic.

Stephen Donaldson, give me strength.

Grade: D-

A Jumble I

I actually was gonna make a point with visual aids about how Johnny Ringo acts cowardly in ‘Tombstone’. But silly me, I overlooked a MUCH more obvious choice: Ike Clanton.

Ike Clanton takes every chance he can get to PUSH the other side (the Earps, Holiday), but in the end, in the MOMENT (see…some moments have more importance than others…that’s why you have to live in them: you never know when a nothing moment will turn into a much more important moment), he runs away, leaving his younger brother Billy (who by all acounts fought valiantly) to die.

If you push, if you keep pushing, you better be ready for a push back. And that’s the moment of truth: Are you a coward, or aren’t you?

Of course, most people/times/occasions/etc that bluster collapse when their bluff is called. BUT…there is always the smallest chance that you’ll find someone who is NOT bluffing. And THAT (the odds) is the ONLY thing that keeps wannabes in business.

I guess the world needs ’em, huh?

Great odds they won’t call…but IF…IF they do, you better be better than Ringo vs. Holiday.

I still think that, as adapted movie warnings go, this is pretty d@mn good:

“If you ever X, I’ll make John Doe’s “SLOTH” look supremely merciful in comparison.”

Course, that’s just BS from me. But it makes a somewhat interesting reference.

FAIR USE: CRITICISM – Great clip from an underrated movie.

The Match Game

SPOILER: ENDINGS (Two of ’em! THINK OF IT!)

I would think it’d be pretty d@mn hard to find two more disparate “characters” that both, nevertheless, share the same cardinal virtue.

(0:33-1:20)

FAIR USE: CRITICISM – A good clip from an otherwise fairly meh movie.

(0:00-1:57)

FAIR USE: CRITICISM – Good clip from a very good movie.

Deep Puppy Thoughts (Part 193)

HERE’S something not to do:

Manage to acquire some sort of business, make it really really suck, then have two friends come in during peak hours. Wait for any sort of complaint from any customer, and then…

(Friend One) :Speaking up as they stand, as if to corroborate the complaint, and saying the long insult by the Waldorf Salad guy altered as necessary, but clearly on the complainer’s side:

THEN, very quickly, friend two stands as if deeply offended, speaking up as the Major did in the Waldorf Salad episode of ‘Fawlty Towers’, and making his punchline be another crummy business that does what yours does but is even WORSE.

It’s so simple it’s BRILLIANT.

Deep Puppy Thoughts (Part 192)

James Tiberius Kirk handled it very well, of course…but I think there’s another scenario response that ought to be tried. You’ll still LOSE, of course…but you lose in STYLE, baby.

*Kobayashi Maru Commander* “This is the Kobayashi Maru…we have struck a-”

*Cadet, Interrupting* “Yeah, I know. Look, here’s an idea ladies and germs – next time your navigations officer or whatever-spacial-dangers officer says ‘Captain…we appear to be headed toward some sort of mine’, DON’T say “Ehhh…keep going”.

OR…

*Kobayashi Maru Commander* “Steady on course, helmsman.”
*Helmsman* “Ummm…begging the Captain’s pardon, but this is the area that has contained a mine each of the past 237 times we’ve entered it. Maybe we should just hook a right, or something?”

Norm MacDonald: Hitler’s Dog, Gossip & Trickery (2017)

The great thing about Norm’s act/performing style is that it will go completely unnoticed when he finally goes senile and starts just rambling incoherently, without timing or interest in whether people can understand or not.

I’m sick of calling his attitude “brave”. It’s just fcken smug-a$$ dull by this point. If a bit of good humor comes out now and again, credit the law of averages.

Grade: D-

Pupdate – 5/12/17

‘Semper Puppy’ Update: R.I.P.

LCL: No Change.

Movies: MORE TO COME!

Grade For My Grade-Giving/Reviews: Sometimes they suck, but usually there’s SOME bit of interest in them, at least. And occasionally I pull some great inspiration from out of nowhere. That’s for you Mortone!

Louis C.K. – If you find a clip you haven’t seen, give it a watch. Never bad. His specials are probably his best (I haven’t seen EVERY C.K. bit) but there’s small bits of inspired tastelessness out there all over the place. That’s a Bingo!

Anne Frank: The Whole Story (2001)

You know the story, of course. So the question is “how well will they tell it?”

This particular version has impressive performances by the female lead and Ben Kingsley.

The other characters seem peripheral – not bad, but not really good…”capable”.

It’s a little bit too teen-angst/cliche for me at parts in the beginning, but overall this is a pretty good movie. Nowhere near the power of ‘Schindler’s List’, but something I think should at least be given a chance.

Builds somewhat slowly after the capture – shows the gradual loss of anything that even resembles humane treatment.

Grade: C+

I Don’t Feel At Home In This World Anymore (2017)

Ignore the title. Ignore the description. Hell, ignore the movie.

Tired of creating innovative and interesting series, NF apparently decided to momentarily rest on their laurels and give us this movie-long hunk of total sh1t.

It’s not NEARLY as “menacing” as the title and description make it seem. That’s just BS advertising.

Of course, since it’s really stupid BUT well-written enough and well-acted enough to be convincing in its stupidity, this will be seen by some as a marvelous accomplishment; a prodigious achievement.

You said it, it’s putrid.

Upgrade to an A if you thought ‘The Big Lebowski’ was brilliant cinema.

Grade: F

Lessons From The Screenplay (Youtube Series)

I’ve only watched two of them (One on suspense and ‘Inglourious Basterds’, the other on creepiness and ‘The Shining’) but from what I gather they’re well-made, well-researched, and interesting…the analysis is intelligent without being smug, sort of “I want to talk, right down to earth, in a language that everybody here, can easily understand”.

Recommendation: Watch the ‘Basterds’ one first. If you like it, give the ‘The Shining’ one a look-see, then maybe try some more if you’re impressed.

(Dis)Honesty: The Truth About Lies (2015)

A documentary on how people lie, why, different circumstances, different perceptions, etc.

It’s a bit slow at first, and there are tedious moments.

However, the main speaker (who they cut to frequently) is both interesting and somewhat amusing.

And the overall interest factor in learning about the subject should keep your attention for the most part.

Grade: C+

The Elegant Gentleman’s Guide To Knife Fighting (6 Episodes, 2013)

Australia Australia Australia!

Python comparison: None, nowhere near as good.

KITH comparison: Pretty close at times, but not quite.

Best Guess Reference: ‘The Vacant Lot’.

Basically it’s a sketch comedy show/series that sometimes has themes reappearing later in each episode.

I can’t see hating it, nor can I see loving it. But it is quite tasteless, while at the same time being moderately amusing/entertaining.

Mildly recommended to fans of KITH, TVL, and general tasteless comedy.

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Return

Unfunny bordering on embarrassing.

I was worried it might be this bad, and it is. I only have one episode to work with, because I refuse to waste more time on this when I can be wasting it somewhere else.

At no point do I get the feeling of “hey, that was inspired” or “hey, nice message in joke form”.

By now there are so many people doing this sort of thing that it’s just another failed re-creation.

Let it go, guys.

Inspirational Quote from a long-ago MST3K sketch: “It stinks.”

Skins (2017)

It’s about people with major physical deformities: how they act, how they’re treated by “normal” people, how they feel about themselves, and their various friends/family.

Some of the visuals are disturbing, and parts of the movie are disturbing.

A bit difficult to grade…the makeup is very convincing, the characters seem real enough, and its message is at heart positive, about such people and the things they have to endure…AND about how they’re almost invariably better people than the ones that look “normal”.

But I think the idea of it could have been realized a lot better than it was.

If it sounds interesting, try the beginning, and go from there.

Grade: D

Mulholland Drive (2001)

Ha ha. Kangaroo Court. Ha ha.

Having established and accepted that his films suck, I thought I’d try to just summarize David Lynch for people who may be a bit confused.

Lynch is a writer/director whose “talents” are in the “director” part.

I mean, it’s got mood (LOTS of it), it’s got slowwwww building sequences, it’s got weird images, it’s got too many eyeball closeups, it’s got 1 minute scenes stretched out to 5 by means of standing/sitting around doing nothing, and it’s got a script that some may consider brilliant but that is, in reality, sh1t.

I mean, hell, even Ed Wood wrote better lines than this.

So unbelievable, so cold, so NON-reality-escaping.

So PLEASE-don’t-take-me-to-this-fantasy-world-for-two-hours-and-change.

I mean, the dialogue is mediocre at best. And the delivery is like a cross between Flying Circus’s ‘The Free Repetition Of Doubtful Words Thing’ and Ed Wood’s old buddy Kline.

It’s not dream-like unless your dreams are stupid and pretentious at the same time.

Horrible movie.

Grade: F

Patrick: Evil Awakens (2013)

An eerie doctor does some eerie tests on some eerie patients in an eerie hospital.

I was going to dismiss this as yet another totally cliche, predictable “horror” movie that loves sudden, SCARY music and actions. And doesn’t bother too much with acting.

But there was something about it (maybe the other second-banana nurse looking GREAT in her uniform, RAWR) that intrigued me just enough to keep watching. And by then, it wasn’t a film, it was a meal.

The creepy moments are there, so if you’re desperate for a horror/”thriller” movie, you MIGHT find this of some interest. But don’t be desperate, watch something else.

The ending sucks, if you like that sort of thing

Inspirational Quote: “My strengths are…bodily fluids and spongebaths.”

Premature IQ: “I’m okay.”

Grade: D-

Kung Fury (2015)

This is INCREDIBLY silly.

Pay no attention to the back story, or the main story.

Just watch as some guy battles rogue arcade games, Der Fuhrer and other nasty foes.

Personally, I find it stupid enough to be amusing at times. Other times, just stupid.

But it’s short…if you like sh1tty movies, why not give this sh1tty short film a try?

Grade explanation: Not quite top-shelf enough to qualify for a sh1t-C.

Inspirational Quote: “Knuck-les.”

Grade: D-

Louis C.K. 2017 (2017)

Louis’s still got his edge; I was worried.

If you don’t like edgy/tasteless, stay away.

There are a few bits that miss but overall it’s good, clever, and utterly tasteless.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen him more tasteless, actually. I chalk it up to two things…just guesses, but here they are:

1) He’s pissed off and bitter.
2) He’s pushing as far as he can while still making people laugh; it’s sort of like this is Louis’s version of Chapman/Cleese saying “Let’s see how offensive we can be…I mean, let’s PUSH IT” via the ‘Undertaker Sketch’.

Best bits:
Baby killing rant
Anti-Love rant
Elegant fingering
Dick sniffing

Grade: B