A Clever Puppy Who Yips Loudly In Restaurants

Come On Pilgrim (1987)

No hooks (except maybe on “Vamos”), lots of stupid lyrics (including “Vamos”) and Black Francis’ sometimes annoying voice lead to a total clunker.

Grade: D-

10/17/23: “Vamos” is better on ‘Surfer Rosa’, rendering this completely irrelevant. And embarrassing.

Grade: F

Surfer Rosa (1988)

Solid, solid. The decent songs just keep on coming, with only minor setbacks (what the hell were they thinking with “Tony’s Theme”??). Definitely worth owning; it’s got some great rock guitar on it. Just don’t pay too much attention to the lyrics.
(“River Euphrates”, “Where Is My Mind?”)

Grade: B+

2011: I still hate “Tony’s Theme”, which I could have written in about 3.2 seconds, but every other song is decent. Which is good and bad. “Where Is My Mind?” is the only one that REALLY sticks, and in today’s age, that’s dangerous. Luckily it already sold oodles of copies.

Grade: A-

10/17/23: I’d LIKE to have more albums on my A List, but this is too much of a reach.

Grade: B+

Doolittle (1989)

Solid ALL the way through for fifteen songs is quite some achievement. Unfortunately, only “Monkey Gone To Heaven” even hints at anthem status. They try to make up for good-but not-great quality with mass quantity. If you like to be moderately interested in an album uninterrupted by filler or failure, you’ll love this. If you want killer tracks, not so much.
(“Monkey Gone To Heaven”)

Grade: B+

2011: Take ‘Surfer Rosa’, scramble it around, and VOILA!

Grade: A-

Bossanova (1990)

I used to absolutely ADORE this band, and especially this album. The love affair has fallen off, though, and I believe I can grade them impartially. The music is almost always interesting here, but (as with all Pixies releases) the lyrics are sometimes just plain stupid, and a nice instrumental becomes a tolerable bit of noise.
One of the worst lyricists that I actually LIKE (because he can write catchy tunes), Black Francis enjoys indulging himself far more than he enjoys pandering to his audience. Fair enough, but don’t expect anyone to stay for the words once the music starts to fade.
(“Rock Music”, “The Happening”)

Grade: A-

2011: Space-Age Prog-Rockish Mysticism livens things up a bit.

Grade: A

Trompe Le Monde (1991)

The drop-off is obvious, and this is their worst album since ‘Come On Pilgrim’. That said, it’s still pretty good (all of their albums since ‘Come On Pilgrim’ are at least pretty good). I’m just begging Kim Deal to start writing more of the lyrics. When given enough good musical backup, Black Francis’ subpar lyrics achieve a semi-mystical quality. Otherwise they’re there to be focused on and laughed at.
(“Alec Eiffel”, “Space (I Believe In)”)

Grade: B

2010: Spacey.

Grade: B+

Death To The Pixies (1997)

LOTS of music here, good and bad. It doesn’t get all their best songs, and dismissing “The Happening” in favor of the utterly f’n ridiculous “Tony’s Theme” is beyond my comprehension. But, as written previously, there IS a lot of good music here, easily outweighing the bad. Their “Greatest Hits” could have been so much better. But hey, you take what you can get.
(“Monkey Gone To Heaven”, “Rock Music”)

Grade: A-

Missundaztood (2001)

I put this album on fully expecting to either hate it or find it dreadfully boring and/or sappy.  Then I heard the first song…not bad.  Then the second…hey, I’ve heard this one before.  Then the third…ummm, this is getting scary.  Then the fourth…alright, alright d@mnit.  I was wrong.  It does not suck.  It’s pure pop, which I often loathe, and it’s GOOD.  D@mn thing is actually good.  But not great.  After all, I didn’t stop at track four.
(“Numb”)

Grade: B

Meddle (1971)

The composition on side two has its moments.  Not enough for 23 minutes of your time, but decent background music.  The songs on side one include a very moving “Fearless” (with some help from “You’ll Never Walk Alone”) and a scary/funny/very bass-heavy “One of These Days”.  So they go 3-for-6, with a single, a double, and an inside-the-park home run.  Not bad.
(“Fearless”)

Grade: B

Obscured By Clouds (1972)

Thoroughly relaxing and potentially sleep-inducing most of the time, this album mainly serves to illustrate how much Roger Waters and Company eventually improved from as writers.  It’s not horrid, it’s not even bad, really…just nothing special, nothing of particular interest with the possible exception of “Free Four”.

Grade: C-

Dark Side Of The Moon (1973)

I’m not sure exactly what the concept here is, but all the guitar noise and bass and synth hooks and strange, unexpected sound effects merge together quite nicely, thank you very much.  Since it’s made to all blend and work together, single songs maybe don’t have as much chance to stand out from the rest quite as well as one might like.  But I’ve heard this album a million times, and I can still get into some songs more than others, either disregarding or enjoying the effects around the tune.
(“Time”, “Money”)

Grade: A-

Wish You Were Here (1975)

From all accounts that I’ve heard a tribute to former leader Syd Barrett, this is a good album bookended by “Shine On You Crazy Diamond” (Parts 1 and 2) and featuring a great guest vocal on the vitriolic “Have A Cigar”.  Roger Waters is taking over here, and thus the cynical and depressed will find a nice pleasant place to hang their hat.  He’s a bit of a downer, but the man can write.  And, more importantly, the other Floyd members can’t, unless you count the lessening and lessening contributions from lead guitarist David Gilmour.  Nothing here to knock your socks off…the peaks aren’t all that high, to be honest.  But the only real failure is “Welcome To The Machine”, which fails musically and as an album cut that fits well with the others.  I mean, I’m a big Roger Waters fan…and he always will be Pink Floyd to me.  But “Machine” makes no attempts at commerciality or even listenability.  Perhaps Roger just did it for himself.  If so, he has really bad taste.
(“Have A Cigar”)

Grade: B

2010: Andy Kaufman was never anywhere near this entertaining when indulging his whims.

Grade: B+

2011: “Machine” isn’t really all that bad…the sound effects are decent and the lyrics are good, I just don’t care much for the music. But with subject matter as depressing as this, it’s not really a good idea to have a lot of catchy hooks, I suppose(?). The whole album is sad, and besides “Machine”, it’s really good. Sort of like ‘Animals’ except thankfully “Machine” doesn’t go on as long as “Dogs”, but without a “Sheep” to really push it over the edge. Very borderline, but…

Grade: A-

Animals (1977)

It was a bit difficult for me to grade this one.  I knew its approximate grade, I just had to decide exactly how much damage David Gilmour’s “Dogs” did to the overall proceedings.  In the end, though, I decided that even that song had its moments, and then my decision became clear.  Based loosely (I think) on George Orwell’s ‘Animal Farm’, or at least an homage to it, it commands attention to the lyrics even as the hooks come out and grab you.
(“Sheep”, “Pigs On The Wing (Part Two)”)

Grade: A-

The Wall (1979)

I enjoy a fair amount of these songs, but Roger Waters sounds so pretentious and self-pitying that I’m turned off enough to skip a track unless interesting music accompanies said track.  I mean, I still think Waters thinks way too much of himself, but he does produce results the majority of the time (‘Animals’ and ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ both attesting to that).  So perhaps his pretentiousness is justified by his results…in the past, that is.  Here we see a sharp decline in the quality of his material…I never thought I’d say this, but here at least, David Gilmour is the best songwriter.  He’s got the first writing credit on no less than five of the best songs here.  Without him, this album sinks into a murky, bloated Roger Waters experiment.  Sad as it seems, Waters may have run out of material.  The decline here only hints at the poor quality of the next Floyd album and the subsequent splintering of the band.  From what I’ve read and heard, Waters doesn’t even approach a quality Floyd-ish album in the 25+ years since.  All that being said, this album has quite a few good tracks/moments on it that I can’t help but enjoy…I refuse to listen to the album all the way through, but I occasionally enjoy it in limited doses.
(“Run Like Hell”, “Comfortably Numb”)

Grade: B

2010: Limited by concept, it exceeds the boundaries.

Grade: B+

A Collection Of Great Dance Songs (1997)

The choices are good, if not perfect for me (I’ve found very little use for the Syd Barrett tribute song “Wish You Were Here”).  Even there, though, it has its moments, and there isn’t a bad section on the album.
(“Sheep”, “Another Brick In The Wall (Part Two)”)

Grade: A

Echoes: The Best Of Pink Floyd (2001)

What a waste.  What could have been an absolutely fantastic 2-part release is reduced to a pretty great one.  The reason?  The inclusion of Syd Barrett songs, most notably for their awfulness: “Jugband Blues” and the indescribably bad (or insane, you pick) “Bike”.  Most of the material is Roger Waters-era material, and is consequently quite good.  I hate to say this, but Barrett’s insanity may have been the best thing for this band.  The way he was leading them was most certainly not towards stardom, or even competence.  Anyways, with that said and my mind cleared from a rather pissed off state, this is a great Pink Floyd album to own if you only want one.  But don’t take the bait…go out and buy their individual albums from ‘Meddle’ up until ‘The Wall’, excluding ‘Obscured By Clouds’.  Then you’ll have all you really need, and have it in the correct context.
(“Sheep”, “Time”, “Money”)

Grade: A-

Billy Breathes (1996)

They’re not the next Grateful Dead.  The Grateful Dead, at least many years ago, could write some decent songs.  It’s hard to get into their famous twenty minute jams when they’re forced to go into the studio and actually pare them down to the trifles that they are.

Grade: D

Exile In Guyville (1993)

She’s got a lot of attitude.  She’s not in Tori’s or Ani’s class popularity wise, and that’s no surprise after listening to this.  I don’t hear anything except annoying and/or boring noise, some soft and some hard.  Infinitely overrated.

Grade: F

Whip-Smart (1994)

Phair.
(“Supernova”)

Grade: C

Mer De Noms (2000)

When this works I love it: dignified beauty and plenty of power to call upon to blast away any doubts.  Unfortunately they can’t keep it going past the halfway point.  Their songwriting fits Keenan’s output with Tool in terms of quality songs per outing.  I actually prefer their sound here to Tool’s usual sound.  But despite my weakness for them in theory, their musical dropoff mid-album makes them unable to get any grade better than this.
(“The Hollow”, “Magdalena”)

Grade: B-

Thirteenth Step (2003)

One of their best songs yet is on here.  So I didn’t buy it totally without reason.  And I sort of liked ‘Mer De Noms’.  So it’s disappointing that nothing else here comes close to their best songs.  As always with a Maynard James Keenan band, there’s filler (more here than on ‘Mer De Noms’).
(“Weak And Powerless”)

Grade: C

Emotive (2004)

An anti-war album of covers, that’s what this is.  Just in case you see a new cover and think they’ve put out something truly new.  The covers aren’t bad, but there’s nothing really revelatory.  It’s basically a statement album, with songs only because albums without them don’t generally sell all that well.  There’s nothing much here of any real consequence.

Grade: C

Full Moon Fever (1989)

Not a bad album.  I once adored it, but then again I once adored Heart when I was young and impressionable (and, in Heart’s case, horny).  Some of the songs have lost some of their power over the years, at least to someone who had them playing for hours and hours for days and days and weeks and weeks.  But “Free Fallin'” is still nearly irresistible pop/rock, “Runnin’ Down A Dream” is a true road anthem, and songs like “Love Is A Long Road” still kick pretty well.  Decent Byrds cover, too.
(“Runnin Down A Dream”, “Love Is A Long Road”)

Grade: B+

2011: There’s really only one bad song on the entire album (“Zombie Zoo”), and while the good songs aren’t usually VERY good songs, it’s remarkably consistent and manages to sound fresh because it mixes up the approach from song to song.

Grade: A-

Greatest Hits (1993)

I guess he senses the end is near, or maybe he just wanted to give us regular non-fans something worth buying, which this is.  Either way is fine with me, and this serves as an excellent sampler of all his worthwhile work.  In retrospect, he should have waited at least a few more years…I’d like to have “You Don’t Know How It Feels” on this, and a coupla others.  Oh well, life’s not fair.
(“Refugee”, “Runnin Down A Dream”)

Grade: A

Ten (1991)

There are FOUR truly classic songs on this eleven song album. I’m not talking about four good ones, I’m talking about legitimate anthems, on the level of Nirvana’s best and Soundgarden’s best. In fact, probably a tiny step above both of those bands on this album, because while this has brief valleys that ‘Nevermind’ doesn’t, it also has four great songs, which ‘Nevermind’ doesn’t. Most groups would be plenty happy with one anthem. The “filler” is pretty d@mn good itself. The result: a classic debut, which hasn’t aged a bit in 20+ years.
(“Black”, “Jeremy”, “Alive”, “Deep”)

Grade: A+

Vs. (1993)

The follow-up to their amazing debut, it doesn’t disappoint (much). The strong songs at times aren’t as strong and the weaker songs at times are weaker. It’s as if a magic wand was waved over ‘Ten’, draining it by a small but noticeable amount and effecting each and every track. In other, plainer and sadder words, it’s ‘Ten’ without the instant-classic anthems.
(“Dissident”, “Rearviewmirror”)

Grade: A-

2012: Very small…maybe a magic twig.

Grade: A

Vitalogy (1994)

Here’s where things begin to go bad. ‘Vs.’ was a worthy followup to ‘Ten’, if not as strong as the debut. That could be overlooked, though…after all, their debut is one of the best albums I’ve ever heard. This isn’t as good as ‘Vs.’ The dropoff is clearly noticeable. I’m hoping the dropoff effect goes away and doesn’t infect future releases, or this band will become embarrassing, given enough time. Get it while you still can.
(“Stupid Mop”, “Tremor Christ”)

Grade: B

2010: (too)-Much maligned.

Grade: B+

2011: Listening to vast amounts of sh1t makes me realize just how non-sh1tty this is. There are low points, and it’s very weird. But it’s also very good.

Grade: A-

No Code (1996)

Yet another album worse than the previous one. Pearl Jam better take care that they break this pattern next time, because the songs here are not top-notch. There are some decent ones, but nothing that could properly fit on ‘Ten’, or even ‘Vs’. Maybe Eddie’s just a little tired. I certainly hope so. Take a long nap, big fellow.
And awake with music to go with your passion.
(“Red Mosquito”)

Grade: C+

2012: The decision to write less-pop-friendly songs was fine. But why did they decide to write less-good songs?

Grade: C

Yield (1998)

A very mild retreat from ‘No Code’, which is very bad news to those who thought maybe ‘No Code’ was an aberration and not a dire statement of decline with each passing album. So they maintain a level of averageness that has probably cost them a lot of potential new fans and fickle (intelligent?) old fans.
(“Given To Fly”)

Grade: C+

2012: Again…the good songs question.

Grade: C

Binaural (2000)

Another mediocre album from a band we know can do better. Believe me, my heart is still with them, I still love the band, but the decline here is
undeniable. They’ll probably never write another ‘Ten’-ish anthem, but decent and nicely strange is hopefully still within their reach.

Grade: C

Riot Act (2002)

Now I know how fans of the Rolling Stones feel. Not that I’m comparing this band to the Stones. But Eddie Vedder is either hoarding good songs for one GREAT album, or he’s lost it. But on and on they go…outlasting all the rest, the once-mighty Seattle rockers of Pearl Jam begin to look like an oldies act. Sure, great song catalog.
Nothing new, really, but you still pay the money to see them live or to hope that maybe, just maybe, they’ll snap out of their nearly decade-old collective funk and rock out to a GOOD new album. I’m waiting…

Grade: D-

Pearl Jam (2006)

Keeping in mind that I did, do, and hopefully always will love “grunge” music or the so-called “Seattle Sound”, and that I’ve given this band chance after chance to right their ship, this is the final straw for me. They don’t like Bush or war. Neither do I. So what? I don’t listen to PJ or any rock act for political commentary to latch onto. I listen to them because they (used to) rock with hooks galore, musical and vocal. I think this is finally the end, the last gasp for PJ for any casual (NEW) listeners. If they want, they can tour on their oldies for many years, as their oldies were at times truly great. They could also release a half-dozen compilations and other bullsh1t albums to have something to tour behind. Sad. Very, very sad. I hope this is the end. I don’t want their star to diminish any more than it already has. I mean, I waited four years for THIS? Fck ‘Backspacer’, I’ve had enough.

Grade: D-

Clumsy (1997)

Superman’s not dead, but this band’s career is.

Grade: D-

The Ozzman Cometh (1997)

I’ve always been a fan of his.  Sure, his theatrics are way overboard and at times maybe a bit distasteful, but he had a very early knack for songwriting (starting with Black Sabbath) and a definite appeal to “rebellious youth”.  He was a safe Marilyn Manson…you knew he didn’t actually believe one tenth of the cr@p he was writing.  I was a rebellious young lad once…allright, maybe I didn’t rebel until my 20’s.  I’m just a late bloomer.  And hey, you have to start somewhere.  In any case, there’s a decent selection here that I wouldn’t much quibble with.

Grade: B

2011: I don’t see how anyone can truly hate him.  It’s like hating Nigel Tufnel.

Grade: B+

In Sides (1996)

Alright.  So Orb sucks.  Now here’s Orbital. The name is so close it makes me shiver with fear and rage.  But when I LISTEN to it, it causes no pain and has some nice, even MOVING portions to it.  I’m calm now.  In fact with the help of this album I might just take a nap.  That’s not a putdown…the melodies are just so gentle at times.
ZZzzzzz.
(“The Box (Pt. 2)”)

Grade: B-

The Orb’s Adventures Beyond The Ultraworld (1991)

Who the hell signed this band, and why? Why oh why did I buy this album in desperate hope, and instead of hope to at least listen to a few tracks first.
Purchasers will be happy to know that there is at least one decent song here, “Little Fluffy Clouds”, whose spoken-word comments only add to the music’s appeal. Unfortunately, after “Clouds”, there is about 2 hours of almost completely useless music/half songs/etc. I VERY rarely throw out CD’s, but if I had to sacrifice one, this would be right near the top. MAN do I want to fail them, fluff or no fluff.

Grade: D-

Orbus Terrarum (1995)

I blame the record company. Or maybe it’s like Tori once said: “God, sometimes you just don’t come through”. I don’t usually throw away CD’s (See 1991 album review).
So give me a hammer. Or a crowbar, a baseball bat, anything with good dense strength perfect for mangling a poor defenseless CD.

Grade: F

Definitely Maybe (1994)

The next Beatles? The Fab Four return? Hardly. And if another band comes out and goes after that position, please bury them under guitar noise. I’ve actually always preferred the Stones to the Beatles, myself, but the Beatles were undeniably great. The reason doesn’t lie in their meaningless pop period, but in their concept albums and more unique beautiful songs and melodies. Oasis might be able to approach the “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” period, but who really cares at this point? They need to learn how to CONSISTENTLY write good songs before we heap even a tenth’s praise as is heaped upon The Beatles. They do have some talent, but let’s wait a few dozen years and then try the comparison, hmmm?
(“Supersonic”)

Grade: C

(What’s The Story) Morning Glory? (1995)

A giant step in no particular direction. They cut down on the hard rock guitar, up the melodies, polish the lyrics to a lustrous shine, and end up not a bit better than they were. I mean, at this pace, they’re barely edging out Ringo Starr, and are in a dead heat (No joke intended or implied) with George Harrison. The problem is the songwriting. How to fix it? Well, sometimes you’ve either got it or you don’t. Inspiration can be a fickle thing.
(“Wonderwall”)

Grade: C

2010: Almost good enough to be a Beatles throwaway.

Grade: C+

Smash (1994)

Here are the three hits and what I assume is the best of the rest they had to offer.  Then again, maybe they’re pulling an early Cheap Trick trick and rationing out good material to prolong album sales and keep all the money rolling in.  I eagerly await their next album for purposes of my theory, and I listen to the three good songs on this.
(“Self Esteem”, “Come Out And Play”)

Grade: B-

Statement (2000)

I don’t know if I like their sound as a general rule…some bands have such a great sound that even their weaker tracks retain some interest. I find the lead singer quite obnoxious and loud (I know, loud isn’t necessarily bad. But obnoxious certainly is). His voice just rubs me the wrong way. What saves this album (and, for now, this group) for me is the power and momentum of the music. The loneliness of the long-distance rocker.
(“What A Day”, “Endure”)

Grade: B-

Development (2002)

Sometimes grades are relatively easy to give. Other times I think (or try to) and consider the possible placement based on several factors. I don’t think there is anything here that could at least be called “decent”. I’m so happy they made it easier for me. Anything at all would have taxed my brain.

Grade: F

Recoil (2004)

A quantum leap forward from a total music disaster, this album features enough hooks and melody (REALLY!) to make it a decent hard-rock statement. The real winner is in Spanish, so I don’t know exactly what it’s about, but it’s angry (like all the other songs here) and catchy. Now let’s hope they don’t fall backwards again into utter failure.
(“Rabia”)

Grade: B-

Oyster (1995)

I used to be enraptured (I say that a LOT, I’ve noticed.  Very sad) by this young woman and her moderately pretty voice.  I still like the hit, and “Island” has some great lyrics.  Recommended to anyone who didn’t think a young white female would put a song about sex two songs before a gentle, lovely song about killing a man via drowning.  Nice touch, I think.

Grade: C+

Bleach (1989)

The best piece of discordant random noise ever recorded, dollar-for-dollar.

Grade: C

Nevermind (1991)

A masterpiece of early 90’s grunge-rock, not a single poor track on the whole thing. “Smells Like Teen Spirit” sounds like an anthem that will never lose its power, starting things off with a thunderous, defiant blast. “Something In The Way” finishes it off with a haunting, lovely, faintly eerie performance. Everything in between is worth your time to a certain extent. They could never hope to top this, so maybe it’s (in some small way) a good thing they made only one other studio album. It’s better to burn out, of course, according to Mr. Young. I certainly agree here. A must-own.
(“Smells Like Teen Spirit”, “Lounge Act”, “Something In The Way”)

Grade: A+

Incesticide (1992)

Not much here of note. Stick with the big three (‘Nevermind’, ‘In Utero’, ‘Unplugged’) and you’ll get all you really need, with the exception of “Sliver”.
(“Sliver”)

Grade: D

2012: “Aneurysm” isn’t worth listening to the rest of the sh1t between itself and “Sliver”, but it ain’t bad.

Grade: D+

In Utero (1993)

Yes, they’ve done it. A follow-up almost as good as the original release. In fact it’s better than ‘Nevermind’ overall, but it doesn’t have a killer track to match “Teen Spirit”. “Rape Me” is as close as they get this time, and I have amazing difficulty playing that song around any member of the opposite sex.
(“Rape Me”, “Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge On Seattle”)

Grade: A

Unplugged In New York (1994)

Why the HELL did they cover two mediocre songs here? (“Plateau” and “Oh Me”). Because Kurt liked them and he doesn’t pander to or even really care much about his “audience”. No “Smells Like Teen Spirit” acoustic version here, but that’s a good thing: Tori Amos already made a “soft version” that is definitive. Some nice covers, one of which is from the same group as the two bad ones. I could argue with some songs (“Polly” was always the worst song on ‘Nevermind’, even if it wasn’t a bad song at all), but the atmosphere is wonderful, the ambience welcoming and forgiving, and this captures the group at its absolute best acoustically. Hear them display their mastery over light, after having done so with dark on ‘In Utero’.
(“The Man Who Sold The World”, “Where Did You Sleep Last Night”, “Lake Of Fire”)

Grade: A

From The Muddy Banks Of The Wishkah (1996)

I love Nirvana, but this live one just doesn’t capture their power and melody the way the studio does. A bad day at the office? No, because the selections were taken from different concerts. Bad days, I guess.

Grade: C+

Nirvana (2002)

“You Know You’re Right” isn’t worth it. And neither is “Been A Son”. Everything else you should have already, and if not you should buy ‘Nevermind’, ‘In Utero’, and ‘Unplugged In New York’ instead of this. Maybe ‘Bleach’, too, if you really want to. Too many good songs on the first two to be covered here. But if you have a choice between this or no Nirvana (and almost anything else), take this.

Grade: A

Live At Reading (2009)

I’m sure if I was there I’d probably appreciate it a lot more. But I wasn’t. Concert albums are invariably wonderful nostalgic mementos to those that were at said concert, but no set is perfect. You can’t multitrack, you can’t re-do fck-ups, you can’t try 10 takes until you get it just right. So the only reasons I’d ever listen to this again are “Drain You”, “Lithium” (which Kurt really rips into), and “About A Girl”, because they’re the only ones as good as the originals, or different in an interesting enough way. But that doesn’t mean they’re not still d@mn good songs, at least until you get near the end and Kurt decides to fck around. Good for him, but not for me.
(“Drain You”, “Lithium”)

Grade: A-

Icon: Nirvana (2010)

See ‘Nirvana (2002)’, scratch the “Been A Son” comment.

Grade: A

Silver Side Up (2001)

It’s difficult grading this album as high as I have to, because the songs all have a sort of sameness that can be good if you’re a great band, but if you’re a mediocre-to-average band it’s generally not so good.  I can play it in the background without wincing or worrying someone else will hear it.  And it does have one song I actually like.  Take this advice to heart- if you didn’t like the single, you’ll hate the album.  You might not like it much anyways…but I grudgingly must admit it’s not as bad as I thought it would be.

Grade: C+

Pretty Hate Machine (1988)

Not a big Nine Inch Nails fan, here. I was, when this was the entirety of their catalog, oh so many moons ago. But their later output never really struck any chords with me. Personally, I think Trent Reznor is vastly overrated in the long haul, but he’ll survive. He looks good and there’s always a whole new group of angst-ridden teens at the ready for his product.
(“Head Like A Hole”)

Grade: B-

2010: As good as they ever got.

Grade: B

Isn’t Anything (1988)

This is mood music, but it’s not good enough to immerse yourself into and go for a trip. I find a couple of songs decent and worthy of existence, but most of them are either completely forgettable (moreso than normal, that is) or mildly annoying. I can’t bring myself to truly dislike it…it’s so soft and gentle, and I would probably hate myself in the morning.

Grade: C-

Loveless (1991)

This is soft, pretty trance music for the most part. Great for when you want something pleasant to wash over your ears. It’s slightly hypnotic and lyrically indecipherable (to me at least, feel free to try), but the point isn’t in the words anyway, it’s in the music. Adjust the grade accordingly if you need to hear the lyrics to enjoy a song.

Grade: B+

2010: I mean, it’s flawless…but what IS it?

Grade: A-

7/30/23: I must have been in a really good mood, or just *SO* into new music-type interests, because this is pretty good background noise and nothing more. And that’s not an A-. Not to me, at least. In my defense, this came out a LONG time ago in a musical setting far, far away. It was a *LOT* harder to create something this “polished” and “trancy” that stood out in a good way. Also in its defense (and mine), not being able to hear the potentially stupid/horrible/annoying lyrics does really help you just lay back and let it wash over you…ahhhhhhhhhhhh… *snore*

Grade: B-

m b v (2013)

Don’t bother. More of the same, only worse.

I would say that it leans more heavily on (mostly non-hooky) guitar than previous full-length works (all two of ’em), but that’s not really accurate. It leans on…nothing. It’s just a bunch of dull noise that for some reason took a billion years to perfect in all its dull imperfectness, leaving you waiting for the good stuff (that never arrives). Every time they approach a hook they seem determined to veer away from it and get back to the annoying cacophany that is most of the album.

“Nothing Is” is the one decent exception, IMPO. But if the idea of that being extended to 46:37 and cutting the rest can be viewed as a definite improvement, that’s kinda sad.

Inspirational Quote (from a Mel Brooks movie): “Hold it, hold it…what the Hell is that sh1t???”

Grade: D-

Substance (1987)

Gods have mercy on my soul…I had to listen to all 24 of these songs.  I learned two things during my horrific experience – New Order basically sucks, and I HATE double albums that weren’t even good enough to be singles.
(“True Faith”)

Grade: D

Mother Love Bone (1992)

EVERY-thing Seattle to the music stores at once! Yes, they did it, Nirvana debuted on Headbanger’s Ball and delivered the killing blow to an already quite-ill collection of music dubbed “80’s hair pop/metal”! Now let’s rush out and sign EVERY Seattle band we can get our hands on! What’s that you say? MLB had Pearl Jam’s bassist AND lead guitarist??!! Release it, you fool, release it NOW, before it’s too late!
No, there’s no need to listen to it first. It’s certified gold upon release!

Grade: D-

3/5/13: Slight overreaction caused by HUGE disappointment. As you can probably tell by all the caps. I mean, I was expecting Pearl Jam, or Temple of the Dog…and no offense to the guy, I know all his friends loved him and all (and he did inspire some GREAT music) but Andrew Wood was no Eddie Vedder. Or Chris Cornell. When I’m in
the right mood, though, “Stardog Champion” can blow me away given all the layers of historical context and the energy, gone with Andrew’s death.

Grade: D

Every Good Boy Deserves Fudge (1991)

Curse you again, Nirvana! Curse you for opening the floodgates for this kind of cr@p! I mean, did they have to release this album and have it land in ANY music store to fool passersby into thinking it might be worthwhile? There’s virtually nothing here of any discernible interest.

Grade: D

2012: Really, this is the sort of tuneless, non-melodic noise that grunge started off as before Kurt Cobain decided to introduce something called a “hook” (vocal or musical).

Grade: F

Greatest Hits/Legend Of A Band (1989/1990)

Addition by subtraction.  They later subtracted by adding.  (See Below)
(“Ride My See-Saw”, “The Story In Your Eyes”)

Grade: A-

The Best Of The Moody Blues (1997)

I’ve never heard a single one of their albums straight through in entirety, and from what I gather I’m not any worse off for it.  However, unlike those who despise the Blues and their drenched-in-syrup ballads and rockers, I happen to enjoy their vocals, occasionally beautiful harmonies and often intriguing music.  In limited doses, of course.  And like a pile of tomatoes (so I hear) you have to go pawing through the bad ones to get to one that’s worthwhile given all your musical choices.  This takes a steep plummet around the middle to d@mn near the end.  But their best is in the beginning, and it’s worth listening to when you’re in the right mood, aided or not by certain substances.  I just don’t understand how “Legend Of A Mind” could possibly be left off given some of the weaker songs that made it.
(“Ride My See-Saw”, “The Story In Your Eyes”)

Grade: B

2010: Listening with a clearer head.

Grade: B+

Jagged Little Pill (1995)

Q: How much of this did she write (music-wise) and how much was Glen Ballard? Was she really a Mouseketeer (or something similar that’s not important enough to recall)?
Is there anything at all worthwhile after the juicy, biting kiss-off song?
A: I have no idea and my lack of interest in the artist makes it easy to remain ignorant.
A(part two): Yes!
A(part three): Well, sort of. A couple more hard ones, some soft ones, and some half-and-half ones. Listen to them all and you’ll probably find a coupla other songs you like. At least, for a while. Then they may seem dated or just plain stupid (e.g. “Ironic”).
(“You Oughta Know”)

Grade: C+

Play (1999)

When Moby lets loose with certain genres in full force, the results are extremely impressive.  Those genres would be pure dance and pure pop.  Don’t believe me?  Listen to “Porcelain”, as beautiful a pop song as ever I’ve heard.  Or the amazing “Bodyrock”…not so amazing because it’s (pretty) good, but because the sound doesn’t seem like it could possibly come from the same artist.  When he dabbles in blues, however, the results are decidedly mixed.  The first two songs on this album could turn anybody off…but “Natural Blues” is an inescapably good song.  He obviously likes old-school blues, but I’ve never been a fan of the original articles, so there’s only so much anyone can do to salvage them.  A very admirable and polished product, however.  Even when it’s bad, it flickers at mastery.  And you never know what he’s going to do next.
(“Porcelain”, “South Side”)

Grade: B+

18 (2002)

It starts out with two fairly good, typical Moby songs.  A repeated phrase/refrain and some interesting backing music for it seems to be what he’s best at.  I won’t knock him because I happen to enjoy what I’ve heard from him so far.  The problem here is that since the musical attraction of the songs is similar to a mantra, if the backing music is no good it comes off as annoying trash rather than beautiful art.  Alright, so I’ll knock him a little bit.  But Godd@mnit, the sneaky bastard just KEEPS on rolling out perfect background music for his chants and occasional singing parts.  Perfect in the sense that it always sounds “right”…the limit of his debatable genius, though, lies in the fact that the sameness of a lot of these songs doesn’t allow for a killer track.  I know he wrote a couple of those on ‘Play’, but here it’s strictly for mood, it seems.  When he does try to stray a bit, he finds failure instead of the overall success on ‘Play’.  Will it make you feel eternal inner peace or put you right to sleep?  Try it, and find out.  Track 18: “The Streets Of MobyDelphia”

Grade: C

Twitch (1986)

This is where things begin to get interesting.  Moving towards heavy industrial but still in flux, it’s a lighter sound than their soon-to-come “classic” period.  It does have its share of moments, and is an interesting memento at least.  Recommended for any die-hard fan: you’ll get a kick out of their former incarnation and hear them edge slightly towards their triumphant sound.

Grade: B-

The Land Of Rape And Honey (1988)

Some rather nice industrial music here.  Interesting in most places, more often than not hooky, with brief periods of tedium.  I hate “Stigmata” and wonder how it made the album let alone led it off.  But the magic of MP3 players allows me to discreetly cut that little low point out.
(“The Land Of Rape And Honey”)

Grade: B

2010: Album title of the year…look it up.

Grade: B+

The Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Taste (1989)

A solid step or two from ‘The Land Of Rape And Honey’.  Almost totally devoid of clunkers, it does contain one song that lowers the overall quality slightly (guess the song and win a prize).  I’m a bit hesitant to hand out A’s, but I can’t see how this could rate any lower.
(“Thieves”, “Dream Song”)

Grade: A

In Case You Didn’t Feel Like Showing Up (1990)

Some good material here, obviously, since they’re drawing from two good albums.  But it’s an extreme disappointment based on what they COULD have made if they picked the best songs.  Also, all the songs are better in their regular album format anyway, so there’s really no need to buy this unless you want to contribute to the Al Jourgensen support fund.  Buy their last two albums and listen to them repeatedly.  Don’t bother with this.

Grade: B-

Psalm 69 (1992)

Three years after a surprising industrial masterpiece, Jourgensen shows no signs of letting up, making this one of the few non-grunge popular “rock” acts to survive the Nirvana-induced musical upheaval of the early 90’s.  The ferocity is there, angry lyrics with exceptional music to back them up.  The only track here I’d replace is the much-touted guest appearance by the mostly useless Gibby Haynes.  Otherwise, it’s a keeper all the way through.
(“Just One Fix”, “Scarecrow”)

Grade: A

Filth Pig (1996)

Mostly ferocious in sound (at least on the title cut and several others), the riffs (musical or samples) just aren’t there anymore for the most part.  Where did they go?  I don’t know.  If you find out, send a letter to Al.
(“Filth Pig”)

Grade: C+

Dark Side Of The Spoon (1999)

Displaying the slow but steady decline from deserved industrial king to just another noisemaker in the clearance bin, this has too few moments to make it recommendable.  It is, however, not unlistenable, with hooks emerging at occasional points, both vocal and musical.  The problem is the occasions are too infrequent to warrant anything close to their most productive period, quality-wise.
(“Kaif”)

Grade: C+

Animositisomina (2003)

A great industrial act several times and several years removed now.  This is purely product: throwaway, filler, forced songs, and a cry for help and direction.  Only “Animosity” saves it (barely) from total obsolescence.

Grade: D-

Houses Of The Mole (2004)

I’ve followed this band through Heaven and Hell, but I think it’s really time to call it quits.  One or two marginal songs per album does not warrant musical existence.  Jourgensen will retire, or continue pumping out product to a continually decreasing fan base.  As for new fans, this flop isn’t going to garner any.

Grade: D-

Tigerlily (1995)

This album, “Carnival” excepted, has dated very badly in a rather short period of time.  If you want to, lower it one grade level for the next few years until it (possibly) seems fresh or at least not rotten again.  I don’t think anyone will really notice, or care.

Grade: D+

Kill ‘Em All (1983)

The product of anger, defiance, anger, horrible songwriting, and anger again.  Vastly overrated.

Grade: D

Ride The Lightning (1984)

Talk about a turnaround.  After their near-embarrassing debut, they come up with a hard-rock/metal classic or at least near-classic.  This album features some terrific riffs, some pretty (yes pretty!) chords, and some solid vocals.  I’m hungry for more.
(“Ride The Lightning”, “Fade To Black”, “The Call Of Ktulu”)

Grade: A-

2012: If you like your rock hard, you’ll love this.  It’s not really “metal” by today’s standards cuz it has, you know…melody.

Grade: A

Master Of Puppets (1986)

A huge relief after worrying about them falling backwards after ‘Ride The Lightning’.  This album rocks hard and causes no pain lyrically throughout.  Good job, boys.  Keep it up.
(“Master Of Puppets”)

Grade: B+

2012: More intelligent, less tuneful.  Their last album featuring Cliff Burton is their second and last album worth owning. 

Grade: A-

…And Justice For All (1988)

Their first ever video was made for “One”.  Appropriately enough, it’s easily the best composition here.  In fact it’s the only one that sinks into my fancy after (trust me) REPEATED listenings.
(“One”)

Grade: D+

2012: How many good songs are on this, anyway? 

Grade: C-

Countdown To Extinction (1992)

Two good songs and a lot of anger, frustration, and filler.

Grade: C

Capitol Punishment (2000)

I’ve always respected Dave Mustaine for some unknown, intangible reason.  Maybe because he didn’t heed the call of pop music until well after Metallica sold their souls for mass acceptance.  What’s that you say?  They already HAD mass acceptance before their self titled release?  Yes, but I mean MASS mass acceptance.  I’m talking Aerosmith, The Beatles, The Stones, etc…bands that pop fans like but that don’t get you ostracized by the metal community all that much.  Problem is, he’s never written as well/consistently as James Hetfield and company.  So, AGAIN, a disappointing best-of, even though it happens to be a very good album.
(“Sweating Bullets”, “Peace Sells”)

Grade: B+

Contraband (1996)

These guys seemed so nice and polite that it’s a shame they weren’t better than this shows.

I don’t have the faintest idea what else to write about them.
(“Down Under”, “It’s A Mistake”)

Grade: C+

9/2/12: A poor man’s Police. Is that so bad?

Grade: B-

The Visit (1992)

Lured in by “The Mummer’s Dance”, I was AGAIN disappointed in a critically respected release. When will I learn?

Grade: D+

The Book Of Secrets (1997)

Now this is one kind of music I HOPE to enjoy. I’d prefer not to be hooked by jazz or hardcore rap, thanks. But a beautiful woman with a beautiful voice can up your grade in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, she (or they) don’t write as well as they play. At least, not consistently.
(“The Mummer’s Dance”)

Grade: B-

2010: Did I mention she has a beautiful voice?

Grade: B

Marcy Playground (1997)

Not as bad as you might expect after recovering from the annoyingly catchy first single.  And when I say not AS bad, I mean still fairly bad.
(“Saint Joe On The Schoolbus”)

Grade: C-

Above (1995)

Supergroup, huh?  Well it sure beats the hell out of Audioslave (sorry, Chris).  Also, it gives Layne Staley something productive to do after Alice In Chains.  Too bad he eventually chose drugs over music.  I don’t grieve rock star deaths any more than I grieve the death of any other stranger to me, but I do grieve the loss of talent and music in his case.
(“Long Gone Day”)

Grade: B-

Rubbing Doesn’t Help (1996)

One song has nostalgic and mildly pop charm.  That’s about it, although the rest is tolerable.

Grade: D

Hybrid Theory (2000)

Like many perfectly reasonable and intelligent people, I happen to get a fair amount of enjoyment out of this album.  I don’t care how you characterize their sound or their influences, what we have here is some catchy hard rock/pop.  And when I say some, it’s with a bit of disappointment.  I was looking forward to more after the first five tracks, but the quality definitely dips a bit.  Some good songs here, though, and definitely worth a listen.
(“One Step Closer”)

Grade: B-

Throwing Copper (1994)

The problem here is too many flippin’ songs that are marginal filler, as is often the case.  Listen, all you album-stuffers out there- write GOOD songs and ONLY good songs, and release an album when you have enough of them.  I don’t care about your bottom line once you’ve sold a million copies.  Cut out the cr@p, stop milking a used up album for more singles, and get your mediocre noise out of my ears.  The few worthwhile ones here shouldn’t be surrounded by mediocrity.
(“Lightning Crashes”)

Grade: C+

Led Zeppelin (1969)

Their initial release leans heavily on blues influences and shows very little of the mixture of melodicism and hard rock that would develop soon. The lyrics can be horrible (this applies to most Zeppelin albums, actually) at times, but the music does the talking when it has to. “Dazed And Confused” is the perfect example of this.
Just based on this, there’s no way I’d think this group would go onto anything more than blues remakes and bluesy, stoopid semi-originals. I’m glad I was wrong.
(“Dazed And Confused”)

Grade: B-

2010: Really GOOD blues remakes and bluesy, stoopid semi-originals.

Grade: B+

2012: Yeah, it’s really good. But it’s not great. Not with lyrics that make Black Francis look good.

Grade: B+

9/25/24:
“Good Times Bad Times” is pretty good.
“Babe I’m Gonna Leave You” sucks despite Jimmy Page’s best efforts…I mean, make up your fcken MIND Robert.
“You Shook Me” plods, but is…ok.
“Dazed And Confused” ROCKS if you can ignore Plant’s blatant/stupid sexism.
“Your Time Is Gonna Come” has too much synth but is…ok.
“Black Mountain Side” – Page shows he can play acoustic pretty darn well.
“Communication Breakdown” – Page shows he can play electric pretty darn well. Plant wails about something, but who cares?
“I Can’t Quit You Baby” takes up some necessary space to make a full-length album.
“How Many More Times” is cool and has some nice tempo changes and compelling musicianship.

Inspirational Quote: “SUCK!”

Grade: B (And this time, I MEAN it!)

Led Zeppelin II (1969)

More blooze, stupid lyrics, and blatant sexual references from the boys. All three of these things can be overlooked when the band is rocking the way it can.
Here, that’s limited to just a few songs. Their second worst studio album, after the posthumous ‘Coda’.
(“Whole Lotta Love”)

Grade: C+

2010: Testosterone poisoning…I mean, how STUPID can you get?

Grade: C-

2012: Ehhhh…testosterone doesn’t poison the riffs, and there are riffs. Some.

Grade: C

9/25/24: No change, see above.

Led Zeppelin III (1970)

A switch from overkill hard rock/blues, this album contains mostly ballads. It shows promise in points – the Page and Plant synchronization of guitar and vocal on “That’s The Way”, the “Stairway To Heaven” prequel “Tangerine”, etc…
I don’t think anyone had any idea what was to follow after this.
(“That’s The Way”, “Immigrant Song”)

Grade: B

2010: Upped a notch for radical transformation, and meaning well.

Grade: B+

2012: It’s actually very good because it’s very good. They drop the overkill of I and II and add melody and harmony in believable (and more importantly, listenable) ways.

Grade: B+

9/25/24: No change, see above.

Led Zeppelin IV (1971)

Their generally acknowledged masterpiece, and who am I to argue with songs like “Stairway To Heaven”, “When The Levee Breaks”, and others. Plant manages to write some interesting lyrics for once on this album. Some of them I don’t fully understand, but at least they’re not obviously and embarrassingly stupid. The whole band
contributes to make this a seriously great album/undeniable classic.
(“Stairway To Heaven”, “Black Dog”, “Misty Mountain Hop”)

Grade: A

2010: Transcendent.

Grade: A+

2012: They get by with a little help from their Spirit.

Grade: A+

9/25/24: No change, see above.

Houses Of The Holy (1973)

A great follow-up to IV, this album shows no signs of Zep letting up in their current formula (that is, light and shade mixed together for a wonderful end result).
I’ve become a little bit sick of some of these songs after playing them repeatedly, and I wonder (as I always do) if the music is dated and not as good as originally thought, OR if I just got sick of it for a time. With this album I think it’s mostly the second option.
(“Over The Hills And Far Away”, “No Quarter”)

Grade: A-

2012: Only “The Crunge” makes me cringe.

Grade: A

9/25/24: No change, see above.

Physical Graffiti (1975)

A double album that, for a change, doesn’t make me wish they’d chopped it down into a single one. There’s a little bit of filler here, sure. And the best songs aren’t exactly what you would call “classic” (“Kashmir” excluded). But there’s a whole lot of good-to-very-good stuff here. Disc one I could truly call great. Disc two gives a slight feeling of Deja Vu (“Sick Again”, try to find its near-twin) and isn’t so great. But it’s interesting and at least fairly good. An album worth listening to all the way through.
(“Kashmir”, “The Wanton Song”, “Trampled Under Foot”)

Grade: A-

2010: Pride before the fall.

Grade: A

9/25/24: Borderline, but closer to A than A-.

Grade: A

Presence (1976)

The worst Zeppelin album (yes, including ‘Coda’) of them all if all you’re looking for is the killer track. If good, solid music is what you’re after (or at least, willing to accept) then it’s not a bad selection. I listen to it…occasionally.
(“For Your Life”)

Grade: B

2012: It’s only got two good songs on it. And they’re not all THAT good. “Achilles Last Stand” is an interesting but failed attempt at “Stairway, part 3” or “Kashmir, part 2”. And the fact that every song is at least ok shouldn’t be regarded as a monumental achievement.

Grade: B-

9/25/24: I think it’s good, and I wonder how I could ever have given it below a B until I get to “Tea For One”, which sucks. Fortunately, that’s the last song, so just stop listening when it starts playing: problem solved!

Grade: B

In Through The Out Door (1979)

“In The Evening” was quite enough to sell me on this album for a long time. Jimmy Page’s repeated hooky riff and Robert Plant’s perfectly synchronized vocal response are upstaged only by the mid-song solo, one of Page’s best ever. One of ANYONE’S best ever. Unfortunately, after that song the album is a bit of a let-down. They always did like light and shade, but here the shadiness fades quickly, and what is left behind is a great hard rock band either running out of hard music or switching to synth-pop. Neither of those options do all that much for their legacy. “All My Love” is a fine song, but it just somehow doesn’t seem quite right for Led Zep. Calling it quits here seems (now) to have been a good idea, John Bonham or no John Bonham.
(“In The Evening”)

Grade: B-

2010: “In The Evening” is really really really good.

Grade: B

10/3/16: Ok, take away one really.

Grade B-

9/25/24: No change, see above.

Coda (1982)

When I first started listening to this album, I wasn’t surprised that the tracks weren’t particularly good. After all, they’re admittedly scraping the bottom of the barrel with songs that weren’t good enough for previous release. I fail to see how John Bonham’s death makes them worthy of release now, excepting the possible tribute to him, “Bonzo’s Montreux”, which fails to produce much excitement. The only track that kept me wavering on trashing this album was “Wearing and Tearing”: A nice, fast, riff-heavy, meaningless song. Then I realized I wasn’t giving a couple of other songs their due, mainly “I Can’t Quit You Baby”. It’s still the worst studio album
they’ve ever released, but as is always the case with Led Zep, even their failures have bright spots.
(“Wearing And Tearing”)

Grade: C

2012: Still their worst.

Grade: C-

9/25/24: If it wasn’t Led Zep I would have graded it lower to begin with. But I mean…mediocre is mediocre. Take away “Wearing And Tearing” and this isn’t even that.

Grade: D+

Led Zeppelin: Boxed Set (1990)

Why this? Because I bought the four-CASSETTE box in the HOPE of liking it. Really, I was pretty darn ignorant musically.

Thankfully, this introduced me to the consistent very-good-ness of Led Zep, a brain-rewiring event of GREAT pleasure for a then-impressionable teen. Classic rock, and then very quickly grunge…I was wired to like them both, and in terms of quality I think I got very, very lucky in being chosen-for what I adored musically.

No longer relevant because “format” is no longer relevant since it’s so variable and available, if you listened to this all the way from beginning to end you would probably have a really good time, with a few surprises and an easy pass over the few duds knowing “well, next one’s gotta be good then…”.

Grade: A

Three Dollar Bill, Y’All (1997)

I expected to dislike this, hearing it as I did after ‘Significant Other’.  To the hardcore fans this is LB’s shining moment, before the great sellout of 1999.  But you know what?  It doesn’t sound all that different.  It’s just not as good.  The problem isn’t street credibility or putting the music before the money.  The problem is that when they tried to write hits this time, they bombed.  So they tried again and somehow pulled hit singles out of their a$$es.  So you could say this is a demonstration of how they sound without any truly powerful song to lean on.

Grade: C+

Significant Other (1999)

I knew about “Nookie” and “Break Stuff”, of course, the same as anyone else listening to rock radio at this time.  But I never bought the album, so I never listened to the rest.  Turns out they had a coupla other hits that I forgot about.  Worthy hits, at that.  And even a few album tracks that demanded my attention even if they weren’t single material.  They crammed a lot of good stuff on here…which may or may not bode well for their next album.  But I’ll take this, right here right now, for what it is.  Message?  Get it while it’s hot.
(“Break Stuff”, “N 2 Gether Now”)

Grade: B+

2010: In retrospect, everything after this really sucked, huh?

Grade: A-

Follow The Leader (1998)

While I had never considered the possibility before, having never seen the disturbing cover art of their albums and the possible insinuated (or obvious, you pick) illegality (or at least immorality) of their name, I think my policy of assuming the best is put to work here.  I’m not just speaking from a personal revelation…I’m speaking based on reactions and opinions given by people whose judgement I admire and find wise.  I’ll ignore the fact that Jonathan Davis and company seem quite interested in children (Davis was abused as a child, yes, I know) and pretend their name doesn’t threaten to signify/promote Kiddie porn.  Rating them just on musical value, I can with relief say that they’re not very good at all, and will hopefully be burning out sometime soon.

Grade: D+

In The Court Of The Crimson King (1969)

I think the title tune’s really weird and kinda creepy, but it’s also got real song structure, decent rhymes, and some interesting music. A few vocal and musical hooks, actually.

The rest is sh1t.

Upped a notch for better color choice.

Grade: D+

Red (1974)

The instrumental lead-off, “Red”, gave me some hope that perhaps this purchase, guided by glowing album reviews, was FINALLY going to be the one that paid off for me.

The rest, however, is alternately boring and annoying. Never again. And this time, I MEAN it.

Grade: D

Retro (1998)

Even the best songs here are so poor lyrically that they’re very difficult to listen to, especially with another human being around who wouldn’t hesitate to inquire “What the Hell is this sh1t???”.  If you want good industrial, go pick up some Ministry.

Grade: D

Greatest Hits Volume 1 & Volume 2 (1985)

I harbor a perhaps-unfair distaste and bordering-on-technicolor-yawning instinctive reaction for/to most of Joel’s catalog. Let me clarify…the albums themselves don’t bother me so much, from what I’ve heard of his catalog (Yes, I have heard all the songs here. I would never blindly slam an artist based on incomplete data, no matter how much I KNEW they deserved it). What bothers me mostly are his earliest hits and semi-hits: the bathetic, pathetic, sickeningly maudlin and/or pompous things that he calls “songs”. I never liked Harry Chapin, and I don’t like Mini-Harry that much either. Admittedly, Joel isn’t nearly as bad as Chapin. Why? Because he graduated from pathetic and annoying to hooky and annoying. Nevertheless, even the Joel songs I LIKE still stir up a bit of bile in my system. While I do not deny the man’s “talent” at what he does, I simply don’t like it. I know many intelligent people that do (to various degrees). If you liked “Piano Man” or (Blech!) “Scenes From An Italian Restaurant”, you’ll love this hunk of pure pop melodrama. If you only liked “Captain Jack” because it has a killer voice/music hook, join the club.
(“Captain Jack”, “Big Shot”)

Grade: C

2010: What the Hell was I thinking?

Grade: A

Devil Without A Cause (1998)

There’s something unshakably annoying about the Bull God. Even when enclosed in a good song, I wish I could change the vocalist. Maybe this is just an overreaction to repeated playings of “Cowboy” on the radio. But it makes me hypersensitive to his failures. In conclusion, this album is mildly entertaining if you can take the Kid as the joke he is.
(“Bawitdaba”)

Grade: B-

Jupiter(Swallow The Moon) (1999)

I bought this for “Emily”, which I found softly mournful and emotional at the time, and still do.  The rest is inconsequential.
(“Emily”)

Grade: C+

The Worst Of Jefferson Airplane (1997)

There’s nothing worthwhile here except for Grace Slick’s two (VERY) early triumphs.  The rest is garbage or throwaway that makes me seriously wonder how they held onto an audience since the 60’s.  This is a sad overview of another band that simply refuses to lay down and die.
(“White Rabbit”)

Grade: D

Original Masters (1985)

Another best-of that isn’t.  It could have been better, but the first-half selections put it over the top and silence me for a while.  The rest is listenable.
(“Aqualung”, “Bungle In The Jungle”)

Grade: B

The Best Of Jethro Tull (1993)

Not ALL the best, but there are plenty of interesting songs here.  I happen to like their sound, so even the not-so-great songs don’t annoy me as much as they otherwise might.
(“Teacher”, “Aqualung”)

Grade: B

Kick (1987)

Their major breakthrough to (temporary)(super?) stardom has just enough on it to linger on the album charts for a fair amount of time. If only I could switch track eight and track one, I’d be content with it for a five-song fix.
(“Never Tear Us Apart”, “New Sensation”)

Grade: B-

The Greatest Hits (1994)

Well, it gets all the hits, as least as far as I know (or care). They don’t sound bad today, either. But since their quality output was always outnumbered by their quantity output, this is a bit spotty. This band doesn’t really have much worthwhile filler on their albums that I know of. If you want to own something by them, buy this and take my word for it: you’re not missing much.
(“What You Need”, “Never Tear Us Apart”)

Grade: B+

Nothing’s Shocking (1988)

Some critics deplore this band as over-hyped and vastly overrated.  Others think they’re an amazing, influential, “important” band.  Me, I don’t see what the big deal is.  Perry Farrell likes to do many things and puts his unearned fame to good use.  So bravo for using influence for good, and not eeeee-vil.  Now start making music to match your myth.
(“Mountain Song”)

Grade: C

Dreamboat Annie (1976)

The debut by the Wilson sisters (Ann and Nancy) and their fellow bandmates/boyfriends is not underrated, nor is it overrated. Robert Christgau, whose opinions I respect a great deal, said basically that it was a moderately interesting piece of work, but nothing special. I haven’t found a single non-diehard-fan that calls it anything near a classic. I’m going with Rob on this one…after “Crazy On You” and the full version of “Magic Man”, there isn’t much left.
(“Crazy On You”)

Grade: C

2010: Atmospheric mysticism…my heart was broken when I read a review referring to “Tugboat Annie”.

Grade: B-

8/8/12: “Alright…we’ll call it a draw.”

Grade: C+

Little Queen (1977)

From the fanciful if slightly laughable costumes the men were forced to wear on the cover, to the striking/alluring poses made by Ann Wilson on said cover, you can tell the sisters put a lot of work into trying to create something mystical and beautiful. Unfortunately it drags considerably after a great opening salvo that shows you both soft and hard. Some of the rest is derivative, some of it is pitiful, but “Little Queen” salvages the second side from complete irrelevance. Barely.
(“Barracuda”, “Love Alive”)

Grade: B-

2010: Giving Ren Faires a good name.

Grade: B

8/8/12: “Dream of the Archer” and “Barracuda” rip “The Battle of Evermore” and “Immigrant Song”, respectively. But who cares? Every Zep song was a rip. The thing is, Zep made their rips BETTER than the originals, and while “Barracuda” > “Immigrant…”, “Dream…” is redundant. “Love Alive” and “Little Queen” are the other two songs of any discernible interest whatsoever.

Grade: B-

Dog & Butterfly (1978)

The mammoth hooks AND gracious melodies on “Mistral Wind” blew me away for years, and are deserving of praise. The rest is mostly filler, served hard AND soft, just the way it always is.
(“Mistral Wind”)

Grade: C+

Magazine (1978)

Before I savage this release, let me explain that this is not a regular Heart album release. It is in fact Heart’s old label releasing some substandard Heart material to cash in on their success. So it’s not Heart’s fault if most of it sucks, and it does. A couple of interesting songs start and finish the album, and in the middle it’s pure tedium.

Grade: D

Bebe Le Strange (1980)

Here’s where they start to turn from an incredibly inconsistent but occasionally very interesting group into a sad and slightly Spinal Tap-ish joke. Sure, it’s mostly hard and the music isn’t half bad, but even on the best songs you wish someone would put a muzzle on both Ann and Nancy to prevent the rather embarrassing lyrics from ever being sung. This shows once again how many potentially good songs are ruined once they’re actually given WORDS.
(“Rockin Heaven Down”)

Grade: C

2010: Riffs Never Sleep.

Grade: C+

Greatest Hits (1980)

It’s sad when a great song is left off a supposed best-of. It’s even more painful when you hear the doo-doo that took its rightful place. Mostly they got it right, though…the “hits” portion is quality. The live portion, on the other hand, is tedious and frustrating, showcasing some poor-to-wretched covers, which is punishment enough. Then they somehow take most of the life out of their best song ever. The sad fact is, this probably only charted well because of a cover of “Tell It Like It Is”. Bleh. Yes, I joined the Heart fan club when I was an impressionable (and horny) teen. But I’m much better now.
(“Crazy On You”)

Grade: B+

Private Audition (1982)

Horrible. Without their former lead guitarist, Roger Fisher, the sisters have no one who can write quality music, even at an inconsistent rate. Thus we are left to ponder Annie’s vocals and discover the hidden treasures lying therein. Right.

Grade: F

Passionworks (1983)

Following the absolute commercial and artistic disaster called ‘Private Audition’, they ditch the artistic integrity idea and start screaming for outside songwriters to bail them out. Unfortunately, they don’t arrive until after this one flops, big time. The finished product CAN – I repeat CAN – be played without a wince or a hearty belly-laugh. If you want something so bad it will make you question the existence of a higher power, try ‘Private Audition’. If you want something good, buy ‘Greatest Hits’.

Grade: D+

Heart (1985)

I don’t see why I’m even bothering to review this as a Heart album. The four hits (and four best songs, what a surprise) were all either written or co-written with a song doctor. So sure it charted high, stayed there, and sold millions of copies…it’s designed to do exactly that. They even let it be self-titled so young impressionable fans wouldn’t accidentally discover their back catalog and instead would buy the new Heart version 2.0 (a bit Spinal Tap-ish, no?). The Heart originals get an F, and the Heart fakes get an A. The A is stronger, I think, and it balances out well for their commercial future, if not their artistic one.
(“Never”, “These Dreams”)

Grade: B+

8/8/12: Blech…only two songs (see above) have aged tolerably. The rest is bad female Nelson.

Grade: C-

Bad Animals (1987)

One album after being saved by outside songwriting, they start to tank it again, even WITH outside help. This is becoming very sad. And very annoying. The ratio isn’t as good here, and once again all the Wilson-penned songs are pretty much garbage.
(“Alone”, “Who Will You Run To”)

Grade: B-

8/8/12: Two songs – a “rocker” and a “ballad” – that aren’t as good as last time.

Grade: D+

Brigade (1990)

Scratching and clawing to survive, this band is plummeting in a free-fall…again. And that is even WITH a heavy prescription of song doctors. Dated, sad, not as embarrassing as ‘Private Audition’, but much too close. This is a band that doesn’t know when to quit. Think Monty Python and the Black Knight. Can the sisters Wilson pull themselves out of the grave again? I certainly hope not. To end, a piece of advice for Ann: if you’re going to sing blatantly about sex and use it to sell your albums, you shouldn’t be afraid to actually appear in full view for your audience to see during the music videos.

Grade: D

8/8/12: Well…”Stranded” is almost as good as “Alone”.

Grade: D-

5/1/24: No it isn’t. But who cares?

Grade: D-

The Essential Heart (2002)

Disc 1 mostly gets it right from when they wrote their own songs. Disc 2 mostly gets it right from when they didn’t. Which is better? Depends on your taste.
Get both, enjoy one (Or both, if you’re a really big fan).

Grade: A-

8/8/12: See Rush: Chronicles review, replace “one” with “two”.

Grade: B