A Clever Puppy Who Yips Loudly In Restaurants

Crucify (1992)

Some decent writing, good (well, not bad) covers, and a nice vocal performance all add up to one halfway-decent effort.  The cover of Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit” is mournful and beautiful, with the same power (if not power chords) of the original.
(“Smells Like Teen Spirit”, “Crucify”)

Grade: B

Under The Pink (1994)

No covers to save her this time out, she attempts to write them all herself.  Clearly, this woman is a flake.  But that’s not really the point.  Her mission is not to please the public, but to express her thoughts and emotions in her own way.  Both may be exceptional, but unfortunately that doesn’t automatically equal good art.  She hits the target a few times and meanders quietly and contentedly through the rest, taking it at her own pace.  Me, I wish she’d ditch the meaning, pour on the hooks, and try for pop superstardom.
(“God”)

Grade: C+

Facelift (1990)

“I Can’t Remember” “borrows” (nudge nudge…wink wink) a riff. From where, you ask? From “Man In The Box”, three tracks previous, that’s where. Shame shame…if you’re going to rip off music, at least have the sense and common decency to rip off an old dead blues musician like everyone else. “Put You Down”, too? Sigh…not good, not good.

Normally, two very good songs guarantees at least a C/C+ when all is said and done. But with filler this bad, it takes a moderately interesting track eleven to push it over the top.
(“Man In The Box”, “Sea Of Sorrow”)

Grade: C+

Sap (1992)

I’m not sure exactly what to say here…

“Congratulations on showing your soft side, which isn’t really any better than your hard side”? “Bravo on making your filler marginally more interesting”? “Where’s the eject button”? “I feel very sorry for the one good song here”?

“I use question marks, they don’t use me”?
(“Got Me Wrong”)

Grade: C

Dirt (1992)

I’m moderately amazed. Where are the horrendously weak tracks? How the hell did they write this? It’s a little too heavy on the heroin quotient, sure. But this is a solidly enjoyable album, with several transcendent moments to boot. It has vocal AND musical hooks, and some fairly decent/mysterious lyrics.

Bravo, and thank you.
(“Them Bones”, “Down In A Hole”, “Would?”)

Grade: A-

2010: Even better than I thought. In retrospect, Layne Staley’s cry for help…and therein lies the power. The riffs don’t hurt, either.

Brilliant display of desperation…RIP Layne.

Grade: A

Jar Of Flies (1994)

Amazing. Just as ‘Dirt’ was the unexpected progression from ‘Facelift’, this is the even-more-unexpected MAJOR progression from ‘Sap’. Six out of seven songs kick in very nicely, and track seven is obviously just a throw-away but still manages to generate a bit of interest.

Underrated, out-of-the-blue, one of the best albums of the year.
(“Rotten Apple”, “Don’t Follow”)

Grade: A

2010: Well…the last track WAS intended simply as a bit of fun, so…

Grade: A+

Alice In Chains (1995)

You’ve just put out one of the best albums of ’94 (and probably the best album you’ll ever make), so what do you do?

Take your time to write a solid follow-up (e.g. Soundgarden post-‘Superunknown’), or rush something out to sell it while you still can,
before you inevitably fade away with the rest of the “Seattle Sound”? Yup, sounds about right.

Grade: C

2010: I think I was too harsh…unbelievable disappointment, after all, generates unbelievable frustration.

Grade: C+

Unplugged (1996)

Live albums, in general, are a good barometer for differentiating between a good band and a good studio band. Stripped of their power and the aided-by-studio vocals of frontman Layne Staley, this performance is almost embarrassing. Power and/or melodic appeal without mechanical aid are indications of a good natural singer, and Staley displays neither here. I can’t pretend I even listened to the whole album more than once. I don’t get paid for this, and my paranoia kept insisting it sucked.

Grade: D+

2010: Horrible renditions of really good songs can’t destroy them completely.

Grade: C+

Aerosmith (1973)

Witness the first evolutionary steps of a middle-income man’s Led Zeppelin.
(“Dream On”)

Grade: C

Get Your Wings (1974)

Less stupid, more tuneful.
(“Lord Of The Thighs”, “Seasons Of Wither”)

Grade: B-

Toys In The Attic (1975)

I start this review project on this album because I have never actually heard all the songs on their debut, and have only listened to their second album once or twice. In future, albums of different bands may or may not be included in my reviews, depending on how comfortable I am with the material. Otherwise, it could be doing a band a great disservice if they’re better than I thought, or doing the consumer a great disservice if they’re worse. That being said, this is an album that you should buy if you like hard rock. Yes, the obvious songs appear later on compilations (they’ve got a small handful). But I’d rather own the original article, despite my affinity for greatest-hits packages, because it has some truly worthwhile material that might not be up to greatest-hits snuff, but which is very enjoyable to listen to in this context.
(“Sweet Emotion”, “No More No More”, “Round And Round”)

Grade: B+

2010: I looked over the song list, listened to them again, and lo and behold…even better than I thought. I didn’t give Tyler’s lyrics enough credit the first time around. This rocks.

Grade: A-

4/10/16: Retcon info: Ignore the “start this…” section and the over-wordy parts. That should trim it down to about three lines.

Grade: A-

Rocks (1976)

Not the masterpiece some people consider it (I count four mediocre-at-best songs out of nine total), this is still a very good album. The reason is that the other five songs are well above mediocre, especially the multi-riff soft-to-hard (nice intro, guys) controlled chaos machine “Nobody’s Fault”. This would have made a great EP, and you can make it one. Just push “stop” (ha ha, inside joke) right after “Nobody’s Fault”.
(“Last Child”, “Nobody’s Fault”)

Grade: B+

4/10/16: Three things: Reading these now I get both a pleasant sense of nostalgia towards something well-meant and a cringe towards over-writing and just plain mediocrity. Three, I hesitate to criticize because some of my writing is still just as bad. Well, at least I’m not really trying anymore. You know, I don’t give a fck. IT’S AUTHENTIC.

Grade: B+

Greatest Hits (1980)

Now THIS is a Greatest Hits album.

Not a single weak track, and they had plenty more to back it up with too. In fact I think the selection is a little off, with some songs not included that should be here. In fact part two I think the selection is, at fifth glance, a good deal off. This could have been much better than it is. But, that’s saying something, as it’s still D@MN good. They might have even been able to make a double album out of this. Oh wait…they do, eight years later. Anyways, this is a must-own for any hard rock fan that doesn’t mind some melody with the crunch.
(“Dream On”, “Sweet Emotion”, “Come Together”)

Grade: A

Gems (1988)

Posing on the back cover so confidently, you’d think they actually created something interesting and new (or at least vital) here. What they HAVE done is sat on their rich tushes and sucked every last worthwhile beat and riff from their catalog. I’m sure the ‘Permanent Vacation’ fans of ’87 will eat this up and then promptly spit it out in horror…God no, a collection of REAL Aerosmith songs, not a song-doctor hack job. What’s next, a live double? The sad decline of a (once) really good band that should’ve fallen on their collective swords years ago.
(“Nobody’s Fault”, “Round and Round”)

Grade: B

2010: Has aged more like bread than wine.

Grade: B-

Pump (1989)

“…For five songs, everything loud and acrid about them just keeps on coming–not even tune doctors can stave off the juggernaut. Of course, this band’s idea of a rock dream is also the traditional “Young Lust” and “Love in an Elevator”–OK as far as it goes, but I could do with more “Janie’s Got a Gun,” in which an abused teenager offs her dad…”
– Robert Christgau

I love that guy.
(“Janie’s Got A Gun”)

Grade: B

4/10/16: I cannot echo him, I can only hope to badly emulate him.

Grade: B

Back In Black (1980)

When they’re REALLY on, the lyrics don’t seem quite so inane…
(“Back In Black”)

Grade: B-

2010: Having gone through my fascination with blatant sexuality and my subsequent disdain for blatant sexuality, I have come to the conclusion that at least they’re honest: They want sex.
Who doesn’t?

Grade: B

Who Made Who (1986)

It’s not bad, but without “Back In Black” it’s not definitive.
(“You Shook Me All Night Long”)

Grade: B

311 (1995)

3-for-14 will give you a marginal backup career in baseball.  Music is more forgiving.

Grade: B-

3/16/14: 3-for-14 with no clear favorite is not “pretty good”.  If it’s above average that’s sad, but at least plausible. 

Grade: C+

Transistor (1997)

Reviews have, at times, been completely re-written.  Why?  Cuz they stunk, that’s why.  If you don’t have anything inspirational to say…
(“Beautiful Disaster”)

Grade: D

Soundsystem (1999)

Virtually worthless, unless you cannot live without “Come Original”.  I can.

Grade: D-